PIED and Married

It's been over a month since my last edge and even longer when I actually sat and watched P and had a O. Lol, this is new territory. I don't believe i've ever been this far out before! I'm going to keep going too!!

I know I spoke about morning wood before, but it's almost like clockwork now. I'd probably say most days out of the week i'd wake up with morning wood. This was DEFINITELY not the case in the start of this cold turkey process. Especially when I'd have relapses, just prolongs the morning wood occurrences. I spoke to my wife again about sex on a walk yesterday. I told her whenever she's ready to have sex, i'm ready. It's a bold statement that I've never really been able to say to her in a long time. She replied that "she's good" and I said, i know i put you in that place and i'd like to slowly but surely get you to the mindset of wanting a healthy sex life. I've definitely done damage. I accept that and I have to give her as much time as needed. Now when's she's ovulating, i definitely have the green light, so i'm almost just waiting for that.

I still wake up every morning, drop to my knees and pray. I let Him know that we did all we can do, during this last ovulation cycle, and it's up to Him to allow my sperm to meet her egg basically lol. I wish this stuff was guaranteed to always work, but little did I know, it's not. My wife is only 31, still relatively young, so we'll see. I also pray that He erases those brain pathways i made from watching P and to bring my mind back to it's natural state, before ever watching P. I believe this is working.

Let's keep going!!
 
been a while...she's ovulating again and IT was dead again smh. I didn't edge but I did look at some screen stimulation this past week. I haven't actually looked at a screen and really jerk off, let alone ejaculate, in months. I was sooooo good like 2 months ago smh!! She says sex is like a chore, which i take the blame for. I masturbate in the shower with no fantasies, no screen stimulation...i thought it was ok. Is that not ok? I know people use no PMO but I always connected that with P, so if I wasn't masturbating while watching I thought i'd be fine. Either way, seems like i'm in a sort of flatline. Terrible timing. Last month when she was ovulating we did it like ONCE! I was pissed and disappointed which led to me watching some screen stimulation. Terrible cycle we have to fix!!!

Let's get back to forum posting. Let's call this Day 1, no PMO. I'm also uninstalling instagram and tiktok.
 

casanova

Member
Hi Brandon, I have just read your entire journal. I would suggest going hard mode, no O actually, for 2-3 months (reboot). And then when your libido is high, you try to rewire with as much real sex as possible (rewire).

As you want to get pregnant, I would suggest O only when having sex. No P or M.

But its just my personal suggestion. You can see the reasons on my journal here: https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/20169/
 
thanks casanova...i appreciate your reading of my story and providing input! I'll check out your story too. I definitely will try my best with no P and even M. It's hard not to have O when trying to get pregnant. We'll see lol. If i can't get it up anyway, the O won't happen anyway lol.
 
Day 2 no PMO...technically it's more but i'm just saying Day 2 since yesterday was marked as day 1. My wife is asking for sex...woke up with morning wood but that was 4am and was too tired. I only woke up because she had to go pee. I hoped i'd wake up again with morning wood, but nope. Over the past 2 months I could play with it for 30 seconds and i'd be full on hard but now it's GONE smh. This is the worst. It's my fault, i slipped and looked at some stuff so it's on me. Back on the horse i go! But at least i know there's DEFINITELY light at the end of the tunnel!
 
Welp, did it twice yesterday....can't be mad at that. Took a lot of prepping time...who knows. Just tryna get it done. By IT i mean had sex with my wife, successfully, during her ovulation period.
 
No pregnancy, trying again like Sunday. Still no masturbation. Let's see what today will mark it. Day 29 no PM the O is from my wife, not from P or fantasies, or M so i'm good with that. My morning woods are coming very frequent. We'll see on Sunday how it goes. She apparently found my 2nd instagram that's pretty much reserved for visual stimulation. I check that from time to time, i know i shouldn't but it gives me something. Right now we only have sex during her ovulation periods. Speaking of that, what a let down this last one was. She really had me thinking she was pregnant. She even said she was. I went to go get the test, she started recording my reactions and everything. Then the stick said not pregnant. HUGE LET DOWN! I'm surprised I didn't PMO that whole day. It had the adverse effect. I wanted to get her pregnant even more so, which means ZERO PMO even longer! I guess that's a good thing. I'm so tired of this issue.
 
Day 1

Starting back again. Wow, been gone a while. BIG NEWS...we're PREGNANT!! Today would mark 12 weeks since my wife has had her period and all I can do is give GOD the praise! First trimester technically isn't over until week 13 though. I'm going to start journaling again because I do believe it's helpful and as addicts I believe we need every bit of help possible. Today let's choose to be positive, to be happy, to remain disciplined!! One day at a time fellas, one day at a time! Remember, seems to be my mantra "there's always something to do", so you don't have to have a setback.
 
Day 2

Going well. I just got a upgrade to the Samsung Galaxy S21, yes i'm team android over apple! lol But yea it has a feature where I can have a picture on the phone screen when the screen is off. I put the ultrasound photo of the "fetus" there. In the coming weeks it'll be classified as a baby. But I say that to say it's serving as more motivation to keep going! My future child doesn't deserve to have a addict as a father. As an addict I can't love on my wife and the child's mother the way she deserves to be loved! Period! Watching P takes away time and attention away from her. It must be done. We spent time together today and everything is going well. Stay focused. We have to want to beat this thing really bad, we have to strive for it. Makes me think about the story my guy ET, the motivational speaker spoke of. ET is a famous motivational speaker and he said that he had set a meeting with a guy at a beach one time. The guy met him. ET said let's walk into the ocean and not stop. They started walking. Soon they got to the point when they couldn't stand without the water coming over them. At this point the guy wanted to tread water so he could breathe. ET said how bad do you want to breathe?! When you get to the point when you want to succeed at the same level as you want to breathe right now, THAT'S when you'll succeed! We have to want to beat this thing THAT BAD!! LET'S GO!
 
Day 3 and 4

Got into a argument with my wife, which is usually a easy trigger, but i didn't even think about P. I think i recognized it as a usual option and then I was like screw that. I think the danger it making her my constant motivation is that when we do eventually get into a disagreement then the motivation is lost at that moment and all we need is a moment to go backwards. My unborn child can't argue with me lol so they're automatically a safer option. They won't be able to argue with me for years so it'll remain a safer option lol. All in all, we just need as much motivation as possible to get through this thing. I saw several people come back to this forum after YEARS and have to start over, so just KNOW it's a every day decision. Let's keep pushin! The grass is greener. With the hobbies that you pick up instead of binging on P for HOURS, will help you grow as a person and enjoy life that much more. I could be a great pianist or be playing the guitar for money now if I just put more time into practicing instead of WASTING time and deteriorating my mind by watching P.
 
Looks like i missed Day 5, 6, and today is Day 7...no P.M.O.!

Today's marks the end of the first trimester! Which means that the chance of a miscarriage drops a lot, which makes me happy! What I told my accountability partners was that my unborn child doesn't deserve to have a father addicted to P. I didn't have one and we're supposed to give our kids more than we had. I WILL! I feel good and motivated, but I realize this is only day 7. I can't wait for day 77. Even coming down here to the computer while my pregnant wife takes a nap, a tinyyyyyy thought said you could look at a lil something...i shut....it....downnnnnnnnn. I turned on the song "no child left behind" by kanye west. "He's done miracles on me". I owe our God more than I can give. Let's continue to push fellas!
 
lol I keep missing but i'm glad it's not because i'm binging! Day 8, Day 9, Day 10...today starts day 11 so i guess i can't count that one yet. But yea, no PMO!

I work at home alone so i have plenty of opportunity. I give God the praise first and foremost. 1 time I had a thought like let's login to "that site" to at least get hard and i just verbally yelled "NO!", yes i talk to myself lol. I then yelled "AHHHHHHHHH!" and then I was good. I then refocused and looked at my phone to see me and my wife's little sonogram that I put on there. Find your why, remember your why as often as possible fellas! Make it visual! Something you can touch or see, keep it on you so you can look at it or feel it to make you snap out of it! Just try it.
 
Day 11, 12, 13....no PMO

Let's go...that's it! lol Opportunity will always be there, especially in this age of technology. We can see anything on our phones and our phones are always on us. Discipline is huge and if we master this, we will probably master life! We know better so let's do better!
 
Day 14, 15, 16, and today is day 17! No PMO

I don't know how long i'll have the O because i am married, but i'll killed it with my wife's trust over these years of using P. And you all know P can be used as a door to do more and physically and mentally cheat on your spouse or girlfriend. I remember she saw my "second" instagram account where I'd follow pretty much nothing but thirst traps and porn stars, and i'd just comment on their photos and IG stories. Of course it made her cry which hurt me. I swear, addiction doesn't care about anyone else's feelings...it wants what it wants. It's completely SELFISH!! smh It must be killed. It also kills discipline and is a huge hurdle in just truly living life. We weren't made to be constantly stimulated by screens! Human interaction is the best since it can please all of our senses. We have to get back to having a normal, natural life. This aint it. I have to regain my wife's trust slowly but surely. I need God's help. I need you all's help. I need all the help I can get. I want to make this the longest streak of my life and to completely turn my back on screen stimulation! 1 day at a time, let's go!!
 
Day 18, Day 19...no screen stimulation or hard on's period. I'm not even gettin morning woods. I can't wait for at least that again. I know all about the nocturnal wood's too, either way it doesn't appear that i'm getting either. Last time I had them at 3 weeks of no screen stimulation.

My wife and I are also inactive. Dunno when she'll trust me again to allow us to attempt to have sex. Right now I'm just trying to focus on making her happy and building up trust. The grass will be greener on the other side.

Curiosity kills the cat every time. You know the curiosity to see what new videos are out or what girls are posting what. It's all BS.
 
Day 14, 15, 16, and today is day 17! No PMO

I don't know how long i'll have the O because i am married, but i'll killed it with my wife's trust over these years of using P. And you all know P can be used as a door to do more and physically and mentally cheat on your spouse or girlfriend. I remember she saw my "second" instagram account where I'd follow pretty much nothing but thirst traps and porn stars, and i'd just comment on their photos and IG stories. Of course it made her cry which hurt me. I swear, addiction doesn't care about anyone else's feelings...it wants what it wants. It's completely SELFISH!! smh It must be killed. It also kills discipline and is a huge hurdle in just truly living life. We weren't made to be constantly stimulated by screens! Human interaction is the best since it can please all of our senses. We have to get back to having a normal, natural life. This aint it. I have to regain my wife's trust slowly but surely. I need God's help. I need you all's help. I need all the help I can get. I want to make this the longest streak of my life and to completely turn my back on screen stimulation! 1 day at a time, let's go!I
I am currently in a situation where I betrayed my wife's trust enough to start heading for the door. We just talked it out today actually.

Understanding betrayal and trauma helped me understand her side. I agree that someone with a negative compulsion to P has no consideration for their partner nor themselves. There is no benefit in this addiction.

Educate yourself on how your wife is feeling. It helps!
I'm sure all she wants is to feel validated and loved and to believe that their childs future father is strong, loyal and dependable.

There is a YouTube channel called Affair Recovery and there are some really good facts there.

Stop the cycle! Keep it up!
We are all in the same struggle
 
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