Journal

[0123456789]

Hi,

I'm on day 6 without pornography. Day 1 of journaling. Things come up. Real fears, resentments and excuses to escape. To relapse. I have some tools from my time spent in twelve step groups, and my twelve step groups continue to be my foundation, but not being able to share/express myself is holding my recovery back i guess. I don't share much because of where i am. In my apartment i have a roommate and i dont want to talk aloud about this. I don't want the neighbors in my building hearing either. Looking ahead, my first goal is to use my phone and share outside during a meeting. To do that i have to get my data fixed on my phone (it's on a MVNO), or figure out if my ISP wifi has coverage around here.

Ok so there's another thing: I'd like to journal here so that i'm accountable. I have been operating in this mode where i'm half-way in, half-way out and it allows me to not be accountable. I want to commit to not looking at porn anymore. "I am a person who no longer looks at pornography."

So what's going on now? I have a job that i don't like and i'm trying to get another: And i have a job interview tomorrow. It's the second round of interviews and i need to prepare more. It's also my Friday today! So i want to do things, too. My interview is tomorrow at 11:30 so i'll report back about that, too. I know during the day i lose faith and just feel stuck, telling myself "i'll never get beyond where i am" and just get really irratble. I have to be mindful of that because i work in customer service. Being an asshole will get me fired.

Be well everyone. I'm thankful for this website and will formalize things a bit more later. For now I just wanted to get on the board

Thank you,
0123456789

 

[Mike_1980]

Good luck man! But what about that you don't to hear your neighbours? Am I missing something? I'm sure you can talk without your neighbours hearing?

Anyway, good luck on your journey, seems like we started on the same day, so let's make it a trip together!

 

[EKoty]

Well I know that writing things down on paper is helping me as well.  I post here to help myself and hopefully help someone else as well.  I can understand not wanting others to know.  Try to find someone you think you can trust to be a confidant for you.  It has helped me to talk out loud about it.  It seems to give my addiction a voice and an outlet, like if I am angry and I go work out or yell in a field, its just to get it out. I have a meeting later this week to meet with someone I hope I can share all this with myself.  I hope you find your outlet and good luck in the interview.  I know one thing that worked for me with past interviews was to write down something positive and motivational or inspirational and tape it to my mirror, so I saw it in the morning.

 

[benb]

Hello 0123456789,

I agree with Buck here. It always helps to share your addiction with you friends and family. I think it is part of the process to humble up and tell the truth about what kind of addiction drives us. However, it is totally fine not to be ready in the beginning, but as time will pass, you probably will notice that the best statement you can make is to open up about every little secret.

Don't be affraid to share the details of your addiction here. Very similar to the 12 steps, nobody will judge you at RN, as we all have shameful experiences and thoughts in our "closet".

Keep your head up bro!

 

[0123456789]

11/4 at 11:00am

Day 7 off porn. I haven't refrained from porn this long in at least six months. I am feeling better and less compulsive and reactive. I am getting upset, irritable and angry during some periods of the day. I'm also being judegmental of others. I have off from work today and tomorrow.

I did have two interviews yesterday morning (via Phone and Zoom) which i think went ok. The Zoom interview was for a tech company that seemed cool, where the customers would not be as wild as the ones i deal with now and the hours are a lot better. So that's great because it's addressing resentments with my current gig. The interviewer is sending over a writing assignment (customer service-oriented) so i'm waiting on that. If i do well on the writing portion, then i have another interview with someone else. The first interviewer said the next interviewer asks questions like, "So at this job we do [whatever], I wouldn't want to do that?" which is an indirect way of asking me why i want to do this job. I have to be attentive and catch those nuances.

The phone interview also went well. It is for a position that puts me into an industry i've been hoping to start my career in so i'm more concerned about it. I did get to a second interview but i'm concerned about my qualifications so i'm brushing up on all i can and will work towards getting it. If i don't? I have to keep trying. Actually, i can't assume anything and have to keep dedicating time to applying to other positions everyday. The follow up interview was supposed to be today but was cancelled for some reason. Office manager said it will be next week. In preparing, i'm using YouTube but i should probably also review the job description more, my resume, and the interview calendar item (i'm literally adding that to my to do right now). Again, i can't focus too much on one interview or job, and have to keep applying and trying to get another job.

So my days off: Today and tomorrow. What am i going to do? Laundry, groceries, job applications, interview prep, exercise, and share at a meeting. Also going to do something recreational. Raeding, work on my website? Tomorrow: prepare for next week. Other stuff: want to say hello to my brother and cousins. Also want to review this board a bit. Thank you so anyone who's replied.

 

[Mike_1980]

Good luck with the free days ahead, they are the thoughest in the beginning! Good thing you have them fully booked in advance for sure!

 

[0123456789]

9:58am

Another day of sobriety behind me.

There are two meetings tonight, and I am more likely to share at one of my fellowships than the other. Because it's important for me to share with others, i am going to the one i am more likely to share at. I moved to a new area, and one of the meetings would be my first time going to (the meeting, not the fellowship it is a part of). The other i've been going to for over a year but just haven't been to in  while.

So that's a big thing i'd like to do today. Because expressing myself is important. Having a voice.

Yesterday was ok. I went to return a library book, checked to make sure the library was open on their website, but when i got there they were closed (boarded up due to fears of rioting). Not a big deal, i went to a clothing store and looked around, then took a walk through a park and really just enjoyed my day off. I stopped into a coffee shop to send out resumes (outdoor seating), then a grocery store and bought some fruit and dinner on my way home. When i got to my apartment i spoke to my roommate a bit. That's good (and relatively new). I just need to be mindful and control myself because i do get lonely and want to talk about everything. Anyway, i capped my night by doing laundry and going to a Zoom meeting for Al-Anon, then working on my interview next week.

I do want to say: When i left the grocery store yesterday (and when i was inside, too)- i did cry a bit. I just feel a bit lonely and cold. Was also a bit triggered; objectifying women in the grocery store. Anyway, aside from my fellowhsip meeting later that night, and brief convos with my roommate- i'm really not interacting with anyone. On my way home last night i did call my mom as i was walking to the subway. That did help. But I want to get in touch with someone and i don't knwo who or how. I don't have many friends at all anymore and it's terrible.

I'm not going to chase any of my old friends. I've reached out to a few and knowing that they haven't been touch, and that i won't ever speak to them again is not easy to deal with. Rejection has been a trigger in the past. The idea that i don't fit in. How do i keep relationships? Are those relationships worth keeping?

Ugh. More later. Take care.

 

[0123456789]

Nov 6 2020 at 8:31am

Day 9 off porn.

Today is my Monday (i work fri-tues). I went to a meeting and did say hello (feelings check) but didn't share formally. I know i told you guys i would but i don't want to be too hard on myself for now. I will very soon. All in all yesterday was ok. I went to the museum yesterday, then got groceries, then to a meeting (Zoom). When i got home, i spoke with my roommate a bit again and that was cool, too.

I did masturbate when i got home. Again, i didn't look at porn but i did have some euphoric recall. I don't feel horrible about it. In the past, i've always refrained from masturbation but i want to approach this a little more relaxed. I have gotten in trouble in the past with 'my addict' telling me i can change the rules as i go along. but i have established that i do not want porn in my life anymore. I will dedicate some time to putting together a program soon.

Other things: I reached out to my brother and we've made plans for next weekend. I'm really excited about that. I have some other things i need to take care of this morning before work, so for now i'm going to go.

Take care.

 

[EKoty]

It sounds like you are starting to find some things to bring joy into your life.  One thing that I have been doing is starting to write down 3 things I am grateful for each day.  It can be little things like I am grateful that my car is nice or that I have nice coworkers that treat me well.  It helps me to shift my focus from things I don't have in my life to things that I do have and I appreciate.  It has been really helpful to me to look at the positives in a focused manner, so I don't focus on things I wish were going on or whatever.  I hope you have a great time with your brother!