The struggle towards freedom

happydude, even though it sounds like you still occasionally consume PMO from time to time, have you maintained improvements in energy level, mood, and etc. regardless? How long was your initial recovery or how long did you abstain from PMO before starting to use it again, even on an intermittent basis?

@lukeman3000, firstly, apologies for not replying sooner; it's been a while since I posted on the site. Also, I won't go into huge levels of detail as I don't want to monopolise addictionbreaker's journal. In answer to your questions, I have definitely had far better moods and energy levels (overall) even if there is an occasional slip or trip. If I do PMO, my mood takes a rapid nosedive and remains this way for maybe a week or so and it's about two weeks (post-PMO) before I feel fully myself again. However, I think my mood takes such a hit nowadays because my P usage is extremely low (compared to during my addiction) so I feel that the intense nature of P affects me a lot more due to the desensitization not really being there anymore.

And way back in 2011/2012 (when my recovery first began), it maybe took 6 months of (on average) weekly slips before I managed to get properly sober. This sober period lasted 6-7 months before I slipped and then I went through a year or so of intermittent slips (maybe more than once a month) before I got my s**t together and then went 9-10 months sober. Since the initial breakthrough in 2012, I can happily say that there may have only been two occasions where I've PMO'd twice in quick succession (i.e. within the same week). Otherwise, I seem to yo-yo between long periods of sobriety (5-6+ months) and shorter periods (<1month) but for the most part, I rarely PMO.
 
I'm back. It was more than 6 month since I last posted here...
I just let go, Let go of my fight and went back in the arms of my destructive habit.

So...since the beginning of 2021, my relationship with my addiction was an on/off one. Periods of sobriety (up to 10 days) followed by crazy binging, mostly edging to hundreds of rather disgusting videos. I wasn't feeling strong enough to go "cold turkey". I wasn't motivated enough and was rather depressed most of the time.

It was a really bad, depressing time for me, and this spring I almost hit rock bottom, as I was considering doing something which I found now, being sober so disgusting. I'm glad I didn't cause the consequences would be unbearable.

I finally parted with my longtime GF. I'm glad it finally happen. Our relationship was basically over a long time ago and sex life non-existent due to my addiction. Sex in a committed relationship was such a turn off for me. I just couldn't bear it. No arousal whatsoever.

Also, my other relationship with a woman with whom I have been obsessively in love didn't work out. We were involved with each other emotionally, but we didn't move it to the physical level. It was over before it started. She ghosted me for a couple of months, then she returned then disappeared again. Probably she had a borderline personality disorder and once drank she admitted to having....a sex addiction (what a pairing!). In hindsight, I'm glad we didn't end up having sex. In my case...trying to, cause for the last 10 years I'm struggling with chronic PIED. It would be probably embarrassing, as now I can't even properly get up during PMO sessions.

In June I finally decided to get clean once more! And this time keeping track of my progress, journaling and interact with you.

It's now Day 8. I didn't feel any withdrawal symptoms until today. Mood swings, depressive states, melancholy, apathy, brain fog, feeling tired.
I have been through this so many times before. I feel like an old junkie now. I'm addicted since 2005 and this habit it's a huge burden for me. I feel my addiction and my destructive abnormal sexuality is slowly killing me. Hopefully is never too late to pick up a fight for a better tomorrow.

Thanks for reading! I will keep you updated!
 
Last edited:
Hey, man, we're here for you. Congratulations on Day 8. I wish you all the self-compassion that you can afford on this journey. Self-compassion isn't self-pity but it is simply warmth and concern and good wishes for yourself just like compassion for another person. Don't be too hard on yourself. I am with you.
 
Hey, man, we're here for you. Congratulations on Day 8. I wish you all the self-compassion that you can afford on this journey. Self-compassion isn't self-pity but it is simply warmth and concern and good wishes for yourself just like compassion for another person. Don't be too hard on yourself. I am with you.

Thank you very much for your kind and uplifting words. I wish you the best on your journey too.
 
Hello warriors!

So far I'm on rather calm seas. It's day 11 and so far feeling rather good and balanced. This time I didn't experience strong withdrawals like the last time, except feeling really bad on day 8. I don't have strong urges to watch porn, but I'm getting more and more interested in real-life females, but it's well...extreme, in my imagination. I just don't get dopamine from PMO so I'm getting it by looking up all the females on the streets with revealing clothes (pretty hot in my part of Europe now). Sometimes I get that sick feeling that I would love to f....every woman from the age of 16 to 50 who will happen to be somewhere near me. Of course, it's my dopamine sex-starved mind telling me, and I'm pretty good at recognising the voice of my addiction.

No urge to PMO, not in the flat line yet. Last night I had an extremely vivid dream. If I were on day 70 for example, it could easily turn into a wet dream. It was a dream, about real, relational, intimate sex with an attractive female. I didn't wake up with a boner and I didn't have an urge to jerk off. Strange experience.

Wishing you fast recovery and strength to carry on your journey. Be strong!
 
Day 13

So far, everything is fine. I'm still having occasional obsessive thoughts regarding sex, but is that really sex that I'm after or just dopamine?! The more I become mindful the more I'm aware of what's going on in my damaged mind. The longer my streak gets the more I think about real-life females, obsessively, but it kinda cooled off a bit, as I'm slowly entering flatline. Completely dead down below, expect few morning hard-ons which didn't last long. It was around that "testosterone spike" days.

Be strong, urges will pass, freedom will come.
 

yogi

Active Member
My previous experience during long streaks (7+ days) has been exactly the same bro.

As the addiction to internet stimuli weakens, my attraction to real females increases. But it's not exactly a healthy attraction. I tend to see any hot women, especially curvy ones and imagine what they would look like naked. This is not healthy thinking, but more of a messed up brain in the process of rewiring.

Hang in there buddy!
 

AJM

Active Member
Day 13

So far, everything is fine. I'm still having occasional obsessive thoughts regarding sex, but is that really sex that I'm after or just dopamine?! The more I become mindful the more I'm aware of what's going on in my damaged mind. The longer my streak gets the more I think about real-life females, obsessively, but it kinda cooled off a bit, as I'm slowly entering flatline. Completely dead down below, expect few morning hard-ons which didn't last long. It was around that "testosterone spike" days.

Be strong, urges will pass, freedom will come.
Hey Brother, its my day 13 too.
I get you when you say "completely dead down below" - having the same experience ,
 
My previous experience during long streaks (7+ days) has been exactly the same bro.

As the addiction to internet stimuli weakens, my attraction to real females increases. But it's not exactly a healthy attraction. I tend to see any hot women, especially curvy ones and imagine what they would look like naked. This is not healthy thinking, but more of a messed up brain in the process of rewiring.

Hang in there buddy!
Thank you yogi. Hang on here and be strong.

Same here. It's getting sometimes really crazy, especially when I'm travelling on a bus and I see a lot of women with fewer clothes (hot summer days!). I get the feeling like they notice my stare. It's sick, I'm feeling like a pervert. Of course, I totally objectify them. Even had rape fantasies. Of course, I would never act upon those, but it shows how my mind is fucked up due to years of abusing PMO heavy drug.
 

yogi

Active Member
I do not stare at women even if I want to, for I consider it unbecoming of a gentleman. It's something I trained myself to do many years ago (nothing to do with my addiction).
But when I say I start undressing them in my brain, just a glance is enough.
Anyway those tendencies weaken once the streak starts prolonging and you acquire greater control of your thoughts. Mindfulness and meditation play a great role.
 
No fap journey is actually more than just cutting PMO...

Day 17 so far. Sometimes I get the feeling that it's getting better, but my mood fluctuates. I'm flatling and urges decline.
I get the feeling that at this stage real work begins. And it's not about fapping, but your emotional states.

For years I have been medicating myself with PMO. Now when I stopped many difficult emotions have emerged and I have to deal with them. It's heavy stuff really. Years of neglect, issues of low self-worth, loneliness. Everything was repressed or medicated with PMO. I don't have an urge to fap anymore, but I'm actually sad. I think modern times are so depressing, everything is fake and human connection it's almost impossible.

Wish you success in your journey. For all of us, it's a bumpy ride...
 
Hello, fighters!

Yes, Day 27 already!

Last fall, when I started posting here, my streak ended on that number 27. Now, it's completely different. Although it's very hard, I'm not feeling like going back to my addiction. Actually, my overall mental state improved. I'm more balanced and I'm not that prone to frequent mood changes. I'm more grounded and happy for even small things. Guess my dopamine levels are slowly starting to rise.

I'm in a flatline phase, but it's a strange one. Still "no life" down there, but I do crave sex on a mental level and urges are very strong. I guess it's typical for my brain, when I quit PMO I'm starting to lust after real females. I can't remember how last time I was so obsessed with females around me. It's hard, yesterday 80% of my thoughts were about sex, females and their body parts. It was so annoying, and the energy cumulated in my head giving me headaches, but I managed to break free from that pattern of recurring sexual thoughts.

It's almost 5 AM now when I'm writing these words. Feeling, ok, relaxed, life is good. Wishing you all success on your journey to freedom!
 
Top