When would be a good time to start having sex? Is it 6-8 months or longer without p&m? Or is it something I need to explore with my wife? I will always keep God in the middle of my decision-making, marriage, and life.
Mr R - I'm sure you will get a variety of answers on the right time to have sex when you are rebooting. My take, for what it's worth, is that you should consider having sex sooner rather than later because you stand to benefit in more ways than one. First, you will have an outlet sexually that will provide you with a sense of relief without the accompanying feelings of guilt or shame. However, I should warn you that, like everything else, this approach is not without certain risks. Many but not all people who have sex while going through the rebooting process are vulnerable to the "chaser effect," which can stir up compulsive urges to act out with P and could derail your progress if you're not adequately prepared for it. As long as you are aware that this is a possibility and are prepared to deal with these urges when/if they arise, you won't be caught by surprise.
In the long run, the goal should be to disassociate sex with your wife, which is a natural and healthy behavior, from the unhealthy sexually compulsive behavior that you associate with P. I would argue that separating these two behaviors in your mind takes practice, a lot of practice. It's not something that simply comes to you automatically by being abstinent for a long period of time. It requires awareness and intention to get to the point where you no longer see these two behaviors (sex with your wife and acting out with porn) as two sides of the same coin. Again, this is just my perspective, as one who is in a married relationship and who has continued to have sex infrequently while rebooting.
Here's a last bit of food for thought. If you find yourself barely hanging on by a thread and feel like you could relapse at any moment, why not just have sex with your wife and see how it goes? I would argue that if your instinct is always to act out to P instead of having sex with your wife when you're feeling horny, you're just going to keep reinforcing that old unhealthy pattern of behavior. That's if you even have the option to have sex with your wife. Few of us control the timetable around when we can have sex with our wives, so it's not always an option when we're feeling horny. But if it is for you, why not do it? Why not have sex knowing that it is a healthier alternative to P? Even if there is some risk that it may set you back in your reboot, wouldn't it be better to get your jollies from a natural act with your wife than acting our with P?
As for exploring it with your wife, that is a very personal decision. You said your wife is aware of your issues, but it really depends on how open she is discussing your issues and helping you with your struggle. If your recovery is an open book, and you two are on the same page about what you're doing and why you're doing it, then by all means explore that option with your wife. If she only knows part of the story, and there's a great deal she doesn't know about your reboot, then you may want to use some discretion about what you share with her. Only you (and God) know what your relationship can handle, and whether the decision is just between you and God or between you, God, and your wife is entirely up to you.
Good questions here, friend. Take care.
