Day 112!
This is 14/15 toward my overall goal of 120 days.
This is also 3 months and 20 days or 16 weeks into this recovery effort.
Today I hit my goal of 112 days without P, PMO, MO, and without P-Subs or edging.
I have only 1 more mini-goal to hit before reaching my 120 days! This is only 8 days away!
How do I feel?
Yes, I am excited! I plan to celebrate with a long cigar and a big bottle of beer! It doesn't sound like much, but it's how I kind of ruminate and take in the good things God's doing in my life.
My libido is good, and- when we do have sex (my goal is at least 1x a week), it's good. I focus on the tactile, on simply being present in the moment, and enjoying her. She usually initiates it, but I think I prefer it that way. Sometimes, deep in the night, I'll initiate it.
I typically don't think about the former habits, except when I'm on this forum. Yes, I'll remember as I practice my new habits surrounding iPhone use, or interact on social media, but throughout the day, it's not on my mind.
Deeper issues or concerns?
Social media still remains a place to be wary, to be mindful and on purpose, as I interact or simply entertain myself. I still get algorithmic suggestions that sometimes hit me spot-on toward certain tastes. I know when to mindfully set my phone aside or change the pc screen, take deep breaths, be sure I'm in the moment (not fight-or-flight), and assess what my next step should be. 'Next step' because of how I've hacked into this habit, I know what will lead into obsessive thinking, or what will demystify a profile, etc, so that I can more easily dismiss it. This also reminds me that I'm in control- whether I stand or fall- and not an outward stimuli. This is said in the context that I'm already making decisions that don't put me in dangerous places, where I simply act according to old patterns of behavior.
Much of my decisions is a refusal to be legalistic with myself, too, for the reasons stated above. For me, doing a scorched earth approach only leaves one in a white-knuckling, nail-biting place where it's only a matter of time before a lapse, because they've so disempowered themselves, and given too much power to outward (or emotional) stimuli.
In the spirit of extinction therapy, I'd rather desensitize those neural pathways by non-response, or at least a different response, rather than the fight-or-flight that breathes life into this monster.
This takes me deeper, particularly as a believer- though I think we can all find ways to apply what I'm about to say. What is needed for me now is a more deeper repentance. A heartfelt change of attitude toward pornography, p-subs, masturbation and edging that is an actual hatred of it. We may hate P/MO, but maybe only because we'll get caught by our wife, or lose our job, or it makes our noodle not work anymore. But can we hate this for its own sake? Can we hate this thing for what it is in itself? We may not like it, but morality comes into play here- at least for myself.
Care must be taken as I've been given such a chance to change, to be different to (as Joe Panic recently put it), to be the man that doesn't use porn.
Just as in the moment of temptation, between cue and response, there's that sweet spot, that sacred space where we can make a better choice, a better decision, so too is this moment. Between my old habits, decades old patterns of behavior, and my future with all its dreams fulfilled, is the sweet spot, this sacred space of (what will be) 120 days. Can I not now make a better choice for my future? I have this 'breather', I can- and plan to- take full advantage of that to be as I am now:
I am a man that does not use pornography.
...that does not worship himself (like an idol) through autoeroticism.
...that respects women, and not take advantage of them.
...that is not a predator, always on the take.
...that is in control of himself, online and in public.
...that is a man under grace, holy as He is holy.
I am forgiven of all my sins, past-present-and future!
This is 14/15 toward my overall goal of 120 days.
This is also 3 months and 20 days or 16 weeks into this recovery effort.
Today I hit my goal of 112 days without P, PMO, MO, and without P-Subs or edging.
I have only 1 more mini-goal to hit before reaching my 120 days! This is only 8 days away!
How do I feel?
Yes, I am excited! I plan to celebrate with a long cigar and a big bottle of beer! It doesn't sound like much, but it's how I kind of ruminate and take in the good things God's doing in my life.
My libido is good, and- when we do have sex (my goal is at least 1x a week), it's good. I focus on the tactile, on simply being present in the moment, and enjoying her. She usually initiates it, but I think I prefer it that way. Sometimes, deep in the night, I'll initiate it.
I typically don't think about the former habits, except when I'm on this forum. Yes, I'll remember as I practice my new habits surrounding iPhone use, or interact on social media, but throughout the day, it's not on my mind.
Deeper issues or concerns?
Social media still remains a place to be wary, to be mindful and on purpose, as I interact or simply entertain myself. I still get algorithmic suggestions that sometimes hit me spot-on toward certain tastes. I know when to mindfully set my phone aside or change the pc screen, take deep breaths, be sure I'm in the moment (not fight-or-flight), and assess what my next step should be. 'Next step' because of how I've hacked into this habit, I know what will lead into obsessive thinking, or what will demystify a profile, etc, so that I can more easily dismiss it. This also reminds me that I'm in control- whether I stand or fall- and not an outward stimuli. This is said in the context that I'm already making decisions that don't put me in dangerous places, where I simply act according to old patterns of behavior.
Much of my decisions is a refusal to be legalistic with myself, too, for the reasons stated above. For me, doing a scorched earth approach only leaves one in a white-knuckling, nail-biting place where it's only a matter of time before a lapse, because they've so disempowered themselves, and given too much power to outward (or emotional) stimuli.
In the spirit of extinction therapy, I'd rather desensitize those neural pathways by non-response, or at least a different response, rather than the fight-or-flight that breathes life into this monster.
This takes me deeper, particularly as a believer- though I think we can all find ways to apply what I'm about to say. What is needed for me now is a more deeper repentance. A heartfelt change of attitude toward pornography, p-subs, masturbation and edging that is an actual hatred of it. We may hate P/MO, but maybe only because we'll get caught by our wife, or lose our job, or it makes our noodle not work anymore. But can we hate this for its own sake? Can we hate this thing for what it is in itself? We may not like it, but morality comes into play here- at least for myself.
Care must be taken as I've been given such a chance to change, to be different to (as Joe Panic recently put it), to be the man that doesn't use porn.
Just as in the moment of temptation, between cue and response, there's that sweet spot, that sacred space where we can make a better choice, a better decision, so too is this moment. Between my old habits, decades old patterns of behavior, and my future with all its dreams fulfilled, is the sweet spot, this sacred space of (what will be) 120 days. Can I not now make a better choice for my future? I have this 'breather', I can- and plan to- take full advantage of that to be as I am now:
I am a man that does not use pornography.
...that does not worship himself (like an idol) through autoeroticism.
...that respects women, and not take advantage of them.
...that is not a predator, always on the take.
...that is in control of himself, online and in public.
...that is a man under grace, holy as He is holy.
I am forgiven of all my sins, past-present-and future!
