This is 1/9
toward my current abstinence challenge of 90
This is also 1
week, and 3 days into this recovery effort, building on previous streaks (139, 19, 53
[19, 35], 2
Today I hit my mini-goal of 10
days without P, PMO, MO, and with earlier episodes of p-subs and edging.
I have only 8
more mini-goals to hit before reaching 90
How do I feel?
I feel better, like my efforts toward recovery are normalizing, stabalizing. The edging has stopped, and I am consciously dismissing any urges or desires to do so deep in the night.
I am seeking to be more vigilant and keep my recovery efforts in my 'right hand', like they matter, like I am to take this thing: seriously.
I am happy and hopeful that I will walk this out toward a new sweet spot beyond the 90 days, where I don't have to count days but that I simply live life in abstinence. I'm a ways before I get there, but what else would I be doing? I want to end this in my life, and counting days right now makes sense. Again, I would be living each day in abstinence from unwanted and former behaviors anyway, so may as well count for now to ensure that this is the direction I'm going.
Deeper Issues or Concerns?
Grateful to report that my daughter and I were recently able to iron out several issues surrounding certain unfortunate events in her life, and the fallout regarding these. We were out of town at another graduation party, and were able to talk and to cry together. She and I have let go of any anger toward each other, and have come to a deeper mutual understanding. Our relationship is better now than it's been in years... Seeking to build on that.
During the 139
days of abstinence from November 6, 2020 to March 25th, I'm sure I endured several other stressful and emotionally challenging times, such as fights with the wife, and other stressers. What was different about this time? Perhaps it was effectively having to wrestle a 'big kid' to prevent them from taking pills, yeah, that wasn't fun- and very traumatic. I already say too much there, and so won't get any more specific. I'm just trying to figure why things unfolded (and along with it, my focus on abstinence) as they did...
Going forward, I need to expect that life will have its ups and downs, its smooth and calm rivers along with the occassional rapdis that need to be carefully navigated. But to determine that ...none of these things move me
- as the apostle Paul said.
Generally, I'm feeling better. I'm excited about the post I recently made where I sought to paint what a successful reboot
should look like for me. This gives me something to read each day, and especially as needed, to help me focus and have vigilance (without being hyper-vigilant) that I need to have that edge, that fire, in overcoming this.