How Shall We Escape?

[Phineas 808]

Great, bro! I'm happy for you! 4 months! I remember when you came here and you had messed around with porn and stuff now you're an inspiration. You've beat that streak.

Thanks, Escape! Actually, when I first came on here (this time around), back in November, 2020, I went 139 days (accomplishing a 120 day abstinence challenge) before lapsing on March 25th. Since then, it's taking me 4x tries before beating a 90 day abstinence challenge.

I will post again (in less than 20 days) when I've beat that highest streak recorded on here. Though I've hit higher numbers before, even before rejoining Reboot Nation.

I don't say that in any boastful way, but to encourage all that if I can do it, anyone can.

 

[EarthWalker]

I do not use pornography.

I do not masturbate.

I do not lust after women.

I do not need the affirmation of women.

I am a man in control of himself.

The past few days I am just like thinking...I don't even miss masturbating...It is not like I am missing out on something.

Let's keep on sailing. This looks like a good direction to sail in.

Much love
EW

 

[guitar1968]

Keep it going @Phineas 808 - you help me stay on track as well. I like your +1 idea. I'm really toying with not counting any kind of days and just seeing how I go from here. I always have April 15, 2021 as my starting date and unless I go down a real dark hole, I think a slip here and there won't kill me. As long as I keep the process going.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Thanks, Escape! Actually, when I first came on here (this time around), back in November, 2020, I went 139 days (accomplishing a 120 day abstinence challenge) before lapsing on March 25th. Since then, it's taking me 4x tries before beating a 90 day abstinence challenge.

I will post again (in less than 20 days) when I've beat that highest streak recorded on here. Though I've hit higher numbers before, even before rejoining Reboot Nation.

I don't say that in any boastful way, but to encourage all that if I can do it, anyone can.

Yes. Anyway, it sounds great. "Higher numbers" definitely sounds good. You seem to be handling this well.

 

[Phineas 808]

The past few days I am just like thinking...I don't even miss masturbating...It is not like I am missing out on something.

Let's keep on sailing. This looks like a good direction to sail in.

Much love
EW

Thank you, EW!

I know many have an ambivalent view of MO, whether or not they can 'do it' and reboot at the same time. Of course if they have PIED (which I did not), they should avoid it. Otherwise, for me at least, MO is all a part of the same beast we want to slay. For me, PMO is simply an elaboration on MO... That as a habit would certainly lead back into PMO.

 

[Phineas 808]

Keep it going @Phineas 808 - you help me stay on track as well. I like your +1 idea. I'm really toying with not counting any kind of days and just seeing how I go from here. I always have April 15, 2021 as my starting date and unless I go down a real dark hole, I think a slip here and there won't kill me. As long as I keep the process going.

I know all these things are important, particularly how we choose to frame our overall recovery, our overall struggle.

Whether to reset or not, or to count days or not, had long been a debate within myself. Was counting days counting against me? But I did realize that I seem to 'do better' when I have that focus. Left to myself and the 'occasional lapse', I trended to acting out from 2x a week to 2x a month. So, I could potentially lapse up to 8x or more a month, or 96x a year! Of course I never let it go on that long without intensifying my efforts to quit. And grant it, these numbers aren't "that bad" compared to what others are capable of. But then, again, who's to say that I couldn't escalate in frequency? What I was watching, over the past 2 years, were an escalation as to the content.

For me, I only count days in a more direct way during an abstinenece challenge. Part of my 'reward' is to no longer count days after accomplishing those. I still keep track, albeit more losely or indirect. I think this is important for me to maintain a focus on abstinence. But this is by no means obsessive or minute-by-minute, as white-knuckled approaches often are. Set it, and forget it.

I'll leave you with this quote,

Don't count the days, make the days count.

― Muhammad Ali

 

[Phineas 808]

Yes. Anyway, it sounds great. "Higher numbers" definitely sounds good. You seem to be handling this well.

Thank you, Escape. Definitely stringing together lengthier streaks is important in beating this thing. Very few people have a linear steak to victory. And how it looks isn't always 'black-and-white'. Of course we don't set ourselves up for failure, but we need to always frame, even our falls, into our overall victory.

Having a 'black-or-white' or an 'all-or-nothing' view of our efforts can hinder or hang us up in our overall recovery. So many give up because they don't understand this.

This might sound crazy, but I've even celebrated a 2 day abstinence as a victory! Of course I'm down on myself like anyone else is when I've lapsed, but I try not to stay there. I try to turn it around even the same day. And even if it's a prolonged struggle, I'll know when that sweet spot of equanimity comes, and I try to build from there with renewed effort and focus, but always with self-understanding and compassion.

 

[Phineas 808]

I am doing good, well enough to say that I am indeed going forward and not backward.

Today is 129 days without P, PMO, or MO (-1). And it does appear that I'm building on this current streak.

It hasn't been perfect, at times it was 'touch-and-go', at other times I walked right up to the red-line but didn't cross it. I had a back-and-forth with p-subs and edging since early August, which increased in intensity and frequency during the month of September. But I am now feeling good, and equanimity has returned. I'm no longer obsessing on images from social media, and am mindfully letting urges to edge during the night to pass. I'm not always perfect concerning this, but I understand that it's just my mind trying to offset stress, pain, deep loneliness, or it could also be a cyclic physiological 'horniness' or libido driving it, too (?). My brain is simply trying to reset to an equanimous state, illegitimately, or better, in a maladaptive way, but nonetheless... a sign of a healthy human being.

My go to response, in addition to mindfulness, is spiritual. I recognize that my deeper need, expressed illegitimately as sex, is for God- Who alone can meet the hunger and thirst of my brokenness. Turn to Him, and drink. I also recognize the spirit versus flesh dynamics discussed in Romans chapters 6-8, and approach it thusly. It's not the dualism of Gnosticism, where the body is evil and diametrically opposed to spirit, but a matter of renewing our minds after the truth.

These go-to methods have brought me out of this dangerous place where I all but expected, even anticipated a full on lapse to P, PMO. I do not say now that I will not fall, or that I'm cured. But will go on in equanimity, and enjoying life without P, PMO, or MO. I'm not doing those things, and I'm not obsessing over them. I'm not inching toward them currently.

Going forward

I am not closely counting days. Yes, I mark the time when appropriate, but counting time will no longer be my focus. What? Am I counting 'down'- or rather 'counting toward' my next lapse? Hopefully, that is a mentality I am moving away from.

In the event of a lapse to either P, PMO, or MO will be my 10 day probationary period, where if no other lapse is repeated in that time, I will simply go on as if nothing happened, just living life without the unwanted behaviors. But should the behavior, or same level, be repeated, than I'll perhaps do a 40 day abstinence challenge for the quicker win.

I'm grateful that I still feel that I'm in this to win this, and will not throw away my efforts because of some close-calls. I've done that before, but not today.

I have vowed that I will keep my journal and account this time, and not delete it. I may become more scarce, as part of me no longer focusing so much, but I will be around to support those of you I follow.

Be well, All!

 

[JerryTX]

Great catching up on your posts as always! Such an inspiration to everyone who reads them.

 

[Phineas 808]

Great catching up on your posts as always! Such an inspiration to everyone who reads them.

Thank you, brother!

 

[Orbiter]

No words of wisdom from me this time i'm afraid but I do want to extend a hearty congratulations for this enormous personal & spiritual milestone.

The rewards of being free of this are self-evident and i'm happy to read of someone who has gone through such struggle being able to reach such a point. Now as a reward you have the freedom to use some of that life focus that was on counting days to new pursuits, experiences & joys.

Great work Phineas, a true inspiration as always!

 

[Phineas 808]

What is this journal if I can't use it to keep myself accountable?

I said recently that I won't be on here too often, well that's the goal... (except to come by and help others).

Last night as I lay in bed, I wanted to edge- yes, wanted to... But I wasn't horny enough, so, what did I do? I looked up p-subs on YouTube.

How did I deal with this?

I know it may be confusing to others who read this, that I employ a different method (spiritual) than what I normally talk about (mindfulness), but when you've fought yourself for so many years, you pick up different weapons to add to your arsenal against this thing, and whatever will work in the moment.

I knew after looking at some things (non-porn), that I needed to address this in prayer in my office, and not just go back to bed to only end up edging... So, I did. I prayed it through, made sure to stay a while until the urges passed, and I felt well enough to go to sleep.

Going deeper

This has been ongoing for a while, and my lower brain is searching for that opportunity to P, PMO, or MO. It wants the massive dopamine dump that comes with a higher level of exposure. So far, we're not going there. We stop, we fight, or we back away with no response. We've come up to the red-line, but haven't crossed it.

This has been ongoing, and perhaps has increased due to this one thing: repetition. I'm still getting dopamine this way to soothe myself, to comfort myself. But this is not the answer, never was... despite the pleasure factor. There's harm done, there's hijacking and destruction of the pleasure or reward circuitry of the brain.

I need to go deeper. And for myself I've found a key...

This whole thing, the whole superstructure of this addiction, whether P, PMO, MO (red-line behavior) or p-subs and edging (orange-line behavior), are all based on one thing, a lie. Whatever that lie is, in terms of ultimate (identity) or proximate (excuses). So, what is my weapon? The word of God (truth, or scripture).

There's a political concept called speaking truth to power, and I hijack this for my own purposes to say,

Speaking Truth to Powers

Where [the] powers are principalities and powers (Eph 6:12) , and whatever psychological factors are behind our living a lie (2Cor 10:3-6). Because if my heart has come to see any of the above behaviors as something to depend on for my happiness, comfort, or equanimity, than obviously, I'm believing a lie somewhere.

How to apply it? I speak scriptural texts at any idea or excuse to use, any behavior that's toward any of the above behaviors, until the lie dispels, like shining light into darkness. I'll do this until the whole superstructure continues to crumble and collapse. If this thing has taken up residence in my heart, and apparently it has, I must follow this text:

Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee. - Ps 119:11.

I did this last night in prayer, and went to sleep with no further incident. No fault.

 

[Phineas 808]

Great work Phineas, a true inspiration as always!

Thank you, Orbiter!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Porn is in my opinion one of the hardest addictions to quit if not the hardest. Maybe alcohol and cigarettes can fit a little bit in this category of hard to quit because of how often you can find yourself in places where they are used by people but I still believe that porn because of its nature to hijack a very important role that we have (keeping the species from disappearing) could be the hardest of them all. And also soft porn can be found nowadays everywhere you look (I even saw some picture on a bottle of rubbing alcohol at work). There is no doubt that the temptation to use is so strong. Porn subs are probably our biggest problem because of how much they exist in a spectrum where they are not called softcore pornography. All this shit has become normal and we have a hard time dealing with it. It didn't take long for me when I was 14 to "figure out" that I could medicate myself with porn. Once you enter this "comfort zone" it's not easy to get out. But I like how you don't escalate like me. I very rarely stop. I should probably start praying too. I don't want to be handed the escape, I want the wisdom and strength to make it happen myself. I want to feel that I'm not lost anymore when it comes to this thing and I think I'm on something but I'm missing something at the same time, I don't know what, and I'm one step behind the escape. Anyway, man, I feel you can make it, you are further ahead and more in control than me. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

 

[Phineas 808]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Thank you, Escape. It can be 'touch-and-go' (no pun intended) at times, and even anticipatory toward full on using. But I'm addressing it through various means as discussed above.

Porn subs are probably our biggest problem because of how much they exist in a spectrum where they are not called softcore pornography.

That's it. And in the past, I've given up on a streak because of feeling like, what's the difference between p-subs and P/MO? When I rejoined RN last November, it was with seriously saying 'No' to p-subs, and I didn't edge much back then either. This gave me a 'cleaner' feeling reboot or recovery. But for now I'm going for the win, and seeing that my not crossing that line is a sign of self-control. So also is my stopping whatever it is I started acting out on, shows self-control.

I should probably start praying too. I don't want to be handed the escape, I want the wisdom and strength to make it happen myself. I want to feel that I'm not lost anymore when it comes to this thing and I think I'm on something but I'm missing something at the same time, I don't know what, and I'm one step behind the escape.

Yes, prayer couldn't hurt! It can shift dependence from ourselves to God, when He often proves stronger than we are anyway.

You will find what works for you, Escape! When I give you different things that have worked for me, or whatever you read that's helpful, other methods exist too, that I haven't even mentioned yet, all these things are different approaches that one has to make their own. That's what I did, back in 2014 -16 is study the science behind addiction (not just porn), and all kinds of ways to approach it, looking for that 'hack'.

I've made all the things I've learned my own, and know what works and what doesn't work for me. You will do the same. No one can hand it to you, all we can do is share. It's up to you to pick up whatever tool or method and apply it, make it your own. If something doesn't fit, chuck it, or shelve it, until it makes sense for your situation.

Just never give up, and always try something different to beat this thing.

 

[guitar1968]

Glad you're here @Phineas 808 - I need some good support right now and this site is giving it to me.

I'll continue to stay strong and with the help of this community I do believe I'll keep winning the battle.

 

[Phineas 808]

Glad you're here, Phineas 808 - I need some good support right now and this site is giving it to me.

I'll continue to stay strong and with the help of this community I do believe I'll keep winning the battle.

Thank you, Guitar! You will keep winning the battle, and you've already won in so many ways.

I know your struggles as you described them in your journal (to which I've responded), and in a lot of ways, I'm literally in that same place to a degree. Hopefully, from the nitty-gritty, and at times less than perfect skirmishes, you can find inspiration for your own struggles.

No matter what, always keep the bigger picture in mind, as we seek to train our brains and hearts to embrace the 'new normal' of living without these unwanted behaviors.

 

[guitar1968]

Thank you, Guitar! You will keep winning the battle, and you've already won in so many ways.

I know your struggles as you described them in your journal (to which I've responded), and in a lot of ways, I'm literally in that same place to a degree. Hopefully, from the nitty-gritty, and at times less than perfect skirmishes, you can find inspiration for your own struggles.

No matter what, always keep the bigger picture in mind, as we seek to train our brains and hearts to embrace the 'new normal' of living without these unwanted behaviors.

Yes. I've surrendered to the fact that it will be a life long commitment to stay away from it. It's not something that will just heal itself. I'm hoping the need fades and that I restore some of my function with normal sexual encounters. That is the goal. I may be able to heal some of those issues, but I'm sure I'll have to keep fighting the fight against the addiction.

 

[Phineas 808]

Yes. I've surrendered to the fact that it will be a life long commitment to stay away from it. It's not something that will just heal itself. I'm hoping the need fades and that I restore some of my function with normal sexual encounters. That is the goal. I may be able to heal some of those issues, but I'm sure I'll have to keep fighting the fight against the addiction.

Same for me. It's an area where I'll have to be diligent about for the rest of my life. This doesn't mean a constant state of white-knuckling, as I mostly come into a place of peace and equanimity, and am not constantly pining away for porn.

But I do also have my moments (semi-often lately) where I'm thinking about it, entertaining the idea, and even acting out to varying degrees (orange-line behaviors) toward it. It's kind of scary. But this place will change for me eventually: either I'll full on lapse, and reset to 0, which will at least give me a 'fresh start', or through repetitious denial, or dismissing the urges, the urges and their rationalizations/emotions will subside.

Of course the first possibility is true, but more than likely it wouldn't just be the 'one-off', but a strong pull to repeat the behavior will keep me from just establishing a lengthy streak right away... (nature of the beast). The second possibility is of course more desirable.

The need will fade for you, Guitar. Keep on Keep'n on, as they used to say. Eventually, the neural pathways through lack of use, will subside and all but deaden. Neuroplasticity is your salvation. The brain will change, rewire, reboot, and your reward center will be acclimated toward sex in the real world, with real human beings. Touch, smell, sight, hearing, will all be geared toward real women, and not pixalized images.

Be blessed!

 

[Phineas 808]

I want to make a brief entry regarding an apparent ambivalence toward using.

It seems like I'm being wishy-washy, or making compromises, or not caring about my recovery at the moment. While this is possible, I want to say that this is not the case.

I'm recognizing that there's two parts of the brain that explain this: the lower limbic system, where these urges and addictive voice come from, and the cerebral cortex, our thinking and judgment center, where the 'better part' of us wants to do the right thing, the healthy choices.

I'm currently 134 days without any P, PMO, or MO (-1), still, even with my latest struggles.

I feel good, even though I had thoughts of using a while ago (home alone), but I didn't act on them, no strong urges to act on them. I'm continuing on, and am actually in line to beat my longest streak on here (139 days), which I will report on next week- and the Lord is willing.

Be strong, everyone. Dismiss the urges.