Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Outstanding inspiring progress, man! Porn robs everything from you, it makes you function like a mediocre human being. Run away from porn and you will be a tank.
How Shall We Escape?
- Thread starter Phineas 808
- Start date
Checking in to give an update as to where I'm at...
Days Currently Abstinent:
PMO > 207 days
P > 50 days
MO > 29 days
I wish I didn't have separate counters going, and I can state that for all the above (P, PMO, and MO), I'm X days free. I guess I can state that I'm currently 29 days free from everything... But even stating this, while the above numbers are certainly a good thing, it doesn't mean that I've been struggle free.
Coming into Christmas time has been stressful and emotionally trying on different levels. We had a good holiday overall, but there were stresssors from the wife, and an unexpected guest who literally injected themselves into our holiday plans uninvited...!
There were p-subs via social media and edging (4x) for the last 3 days or so. Being honest in my own journal is important to me, where stating exactly where I'm at is needful. Prior to leaving for our X-mas vacation, I was all but convinced that I would've acted out to P... But enough time passed that the urge passed. I know this is 'lower brain' and all that, but I was there in my head...
It is a curious and dangerous place where I'm at now. It's looking similar to between August and November. At least now, if I'm acting out via IG, YT, or other social media, I know it, I'm aware. That awarness is key to change. All I can do now is observe myself nonjudgmentally, and make decisions in the moment that will simply allow the urges to pass on their own. I did this a number of times, which averted one or two MO episodes.
Coming out of 2021, I'm overall happy with my progress made during this year. I came out of 2020 (November 6th) already abstaining when I rejoined Reboot Nation (the 17th). I hit two lengthy streaks from all as posted above 2x, one of those streaks continue as a separate counter from full on PMO.
I know that I've changed this habit for the better. Other than my momentary challenges with social media or edging, most days I don't think about it, don't struggle with it. I have a sense of what normalcy should be for me. But I also know I'm in a dangerous place, and could very well lapse to either of the above.
I know that I have deep areas of brokenness that need healing. I have strategies on how to address that spiritually, but in the mean time, the beast-brain is competing to (illegitimately) meet those needs.
I know that, if I fell or lapsed, I will bounce back and reestablish control. I see self-control as continuous, and not as black-and-white, all-or-nothing. In that vein, should a lapse occur, can self-control be reestablished? If not, I'll implement a 40 day abstinence challenge.
I'm not there, and I'm very hopeful (if not cautious) that I'll leave these behaviors behind in November of 2021, and leave them behind as last year's news as I enter the New Year.
Days Currently Abstinent:
PMO > 207 days
P > 50 days
MO > 29 days
I wish I didn't have separate counters going, and I can state that for all the above (P, PMO, and MO), I'm X days free. I guess I can state that I'm currently 29 days free from everything... But even stating this, while the above numbers are certainly a good thing, it doesn't mean that I've been struggle free.
Coming into Christmas time has been stressful and emotionally trying on different levels. We had a good holiday overall, but there were stresssors from the wife, and an unexpected guest who literally injected themselves into our holiday plans uninvited...!
There were p-subs via social media and edging (4x) for the last 3 days or so. Being honest in my own journal is important to me, where stating exactly where I'm at is needful. Prior to leaving for our X-mas vacation, I was all but convinced that I would've acted out to P... But enough time passed that the urge passed. I know this is 'lower brain' and all that, but I was there in my head...
It is a curious and dangerous place where I'm at now. It's looking similar to between August and November. At least now, if I'm acting out via IG, YT, or other social media, I know it, I'm aware. That awarness is key to change. All I can do now is observe myself nonjudgmentally, and make decisions in the moment that will simply allow the urges to pass on their own. I did this a number of times, which averted one or two MO episodes.
Coming out of 2021, I'm overall happy with my progress made during this year. I came out of 2020 (November 6th) already abstaining when I rejoined Reboot Nation (the 17th). I hit two lengthy streaks from all as posted above 2x, one of those streaks continue as a separate counter from full on PMO.
I know that I've changed this habit for the better. Other than my momentary challenges with social media or edging, most days I don't think about it, don't struggle with it. I have a sense of what normalcy should be for me. But I also know I'm in a dangerous place, and could very well lapse to either of the above.
I know that I have deep areas of brokenness that need healing. I have strategies on how to address that spiritually, but in the mean time, the beast-brain is competing to (illegitimately) meet those needs.
I know that, if I fell or lapsed, I will bounce back and reestablish control. I see self-control as continuous, and not as black-and-white, all-or-nothing. In that vein, should a lapse occur, can self-control be reestablished? If not, I'll implement a 40 day abstinence challenge.
I'm not there, and I'm very hopeful (if not cautious) that I'll leave these behaviors behind in November of 2021, and leave them behind as last year's news as I enter the New Year.
I'm seeking to relate to my journal in a new way...
This journal is still an important tool for me yet, here on RN. Though perhaps I may post less often...
It won't be about tracking days as closely, and it may be rare from here on out that I post updates about X-amount of days. This is because the number of days do tell a story of self-control, but it's not necessarily the whole story. It may appear that I 'have it all together' when in fact I don't. I've made a lot of progress this past year, that's true, but I can tell I'm not yet done. There's still something that brings me back to the behaviors that I term 'acting out', I still have occassional episodes.
I need this journal to honestly assess where I'm at, and that's a scary place because it makes one vulnerable, exposed, and this is true even with anonymity. As such, the journal has to be a platform first and foremost for my own journey and how I define that- with all the freedom that one can muster to be as honest as possible. At the same time, it's a social platform, an online anonymous support group as it were.
If my posts may seem cryptic at times, it's simply me trying to find a balance between total honesty, and yet doing so in the context of the social dynamic.
Will I be on less? Maybe. Will I post less often? We'll see. Again, I've no intention of deleting my journal as before (2016), and I still seek to help others. But knowing that I'm still in a vulnerable place in my journey right now, I wish to be cautious, and have that self-care my journey may currently require.
I am still very much a work in progress.
Happy New Year! Peace and love to all.
This journal is still an important tool for me yet, here on RN. Though perhaps I may post less often...
It won't be about tracking days as closely, and it may be rare from here on out that I post updates about X-amount of days. This is because the number of days do tell a story of self-control, but it's not necessarily the whole story. It may appear that I 'have it all together' when in fact I don't. I've made a lot of progress this past year, that's true, but I can tell I'm not yet done. There's still something that brings me back to the behaviors that I term 'acting out', I still have occassional episodes.
I need this journal to honestly assess where I'm at, and that's a scary place because it makes one vulnerable, exposed, and this is true even with anonymity. As such, the journal has to be a platform first and foremost for my own journey and how I define that- with all the freedom that one can muster to be as honest as possible. At the same time, it's a social platform, an online anonymous support group as it were.
If my posts may seem cryptic at times, it's simply me trying to find a balance between total honesty, and yet doing so in the context of the social dynamic.
Will I be on less? Maybe. Will I post less often? We'll see. Again, I've no intention of deleting my journal as before (2016), and I still seek to help others. But knowing that I'm still in a vulnerable place in my journey right now, I wish to be cautious, and have that self-care my journey may currently require.
I am still very much a work in progress.
Happy New Year! Peace and love to all.
I added this to my post on Social Media to address an ongoing fight to make a necessary social media work for me, without contantly bringing me to temptation or a high-risk situation.
Addendum: I will continuously have a purge mentality (Phineas) toward all social media platforms. I will be watchful (alert) for when a particular follow or profile is provacative to me beyond the natural admiration of beauty. I will be alert for when my 'discover' area on IG has an algorithm lending toward my acting out.
This above will put me on a better war-footing going forward into the New Year.
Addendum: I will continuously have a purge mentality (Phineas) toward all social media platforms. I will be watchful (alert) for when a particular follow or profile is provacative to me beyond the natural admiration of beauty. I will be alert for when my 'discover' area on IG has an algorithm lending toward my acting out.
This above will put me on a better war-footing going forward into the New Year.
Happy New Year, RN!
It's perhaps the biggest thing for me to take into the New Year, but that for me at this point, it's all mental.
I ended the year rough, I won't lie. I acted out on urges, lapsed and re-lapsed. It was an obsession, but each thing done while acting out was hollow, empty, and obviously fake. But nonetheless, there was obsession. Was it going to cease? When would I return to normalcy or a sense thereof? Or, worse, would I just enter into a prolonged period of acting out and obsession?
My 'stats' were good in all three areas of P, PMO, and MO, counted as they were differently at the time, at the time of my lapses.
But how demoralizing to set my counters back to 0 which I had to, to be honest. The next day, lapsed again. This occurred on both the 29th and 30th of December. It was all my fault, and similar culprits of p-sub and edging activity lent to the lapses. It seemed that I purposely used one to prime the other.
Of course I should be 'passed all this', but obviously I'm not. I'm still a work in progress, and I'm still healing. I will work on what porn 'means' to me, why I keep returning back to it, or back to pixalized beauty for comfort.
Yet something changed, I flipped something on its head. Of course I cleaned up my social media (once again), and changed the algorithm in the 'Discover' area. But the main thing that helped me was in deciding to not count my streaks, but simply to record my lapses (on a different page) and just go on, doing what I know to do, doing what I know gives me lengthy periods of abstinence.
This is not said to tell anyone else how to do their journey, just me, and to say what's working for me right now. No sooner did I clear out my streaks count, and my zero count, I felt a return to normalcy (no obsession).
Coming into the New Year is exciting and hopeful, as I'm not working toward any 'lapse challenge' or counting 'sobriety days' as such. If I lapse, I'll simply get up and keep going. If I come into an extended period of struggle, I'll come back down to equanimity, we all do. And I'll learn my lessons from each lapse (should they occur), and come at this wiser and smarter.
It seems counter intuitive, but allowing space in one's journey for lapsing (as typically occurrs in recovery), enables me to keep going with less and less lapsing.
Be blessed, All.
It's perhaps the biggest thing for me to take into the New Year, but that for me at this point, it's all mental.
I ended the year rough, I won't lie. I acted out on urges, lapsed and re-lapsed. It was an obsession, but each thing done while acting out was hollow, empty, and obviously fake. But nonetheless, there was obsession. Was it going to cease? When would I return to normalcy or a sense thereof? Or, worse, would I just enter into a prolonged period of acting out and obsession?
My 'stats' were good in all three areas of P, PMO, and MO, counted as they were differently at the time, at the time of my lapses.
But how demoralizing to set my counters back to 0 which I had to, to be honest. The next day, lapsed again. This occurred on both the 29th and 30th of December. It was all my fault, and similar culprits of p-sub and edging activity lent to the lapses. It seemed that I purposely used one to prime the other.
Of course I should be 'passed all this', but obviously I'm not. I'm still a work in progress, and I'm still healing. I will work on what porn 'means' to me, why I keep returning back to it, or back to pixalized beauty for comfort.
Yet something changed, I flipped something on its head. Of course I cleaned up my social media (once again), and changed the algorithm in the 'Discover' area. But the main thing that helped me was in deciding to not count my streaks, but simply to record my lapses (on a different page) and just go on, doing what I know to do, doing what I know gives me lengthy periods of abstinence.
This is not said to tell anyone else how to do their journey, just me, and to say what's working for me right now. No sooner did I clear out my streaks count, and my zero count, I felt a return to normalcy (no obsession).
Coming into the New Year is exciting and hopeful, as I'm not working toward any 'lapse challenge' or counting 'sobriety days' as such. If I lapse, I'll simply get up and keep going. If I come into an extended period of struggle, I'll come back down to equanimity, we all do. And I'll learn my lessons from each lapse (should they occur), and come at this wiser and smarter.
It seems counter intuitive, but allowing space in one's journey for lapsing (as typically occurrs in recovery), enables me to keep going with less and less lapsing.
Be blessed, All.
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Hey, man, I'm with you. We will do well this year. 
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Happy new year Phineas. Sorry to hear about the P use. Not a big deal. We have another year to figure it out. We are learning and growing. I wish to be able to connect more with my emotions. I find us guys tend to be a bit too mental and ignore emotions. Left + Right side of the brain might be what is needed to heal this addiction. In any case, you know how some people thank ___ as their teacher. Well looks like I'll be able to say that P addiction has been my biggest teacher.
Much love
EW
Much love
EW
Hey, man, I'm with you. We will do well this year.
Thank you so much, Escape
Yes, we will. It's like, what am I really thirsting for, an empty well?
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I can feel it. I believe you have enough control over this thing from what I saw last year. As for me, even though I ended up the year with the same kind of routine, I believe I've accumulated more knowledge than I used to have and this should help me more this time. We got this.Thank you so much, Escape
Thank you, EW! Yeah, it was PMO > x1, and P > x2 between the 29th and 30th of December.
Yes, treating the lapses as not as big a deal, as we're getting up, going on, striving to be better- as we're certainly better than this stuff- has been so helpful in simply jumping up and going on. Having a severe non-global cold, too, helps
.Yeah, I appreciate what you've been suggesting lately about left/right brain in relation to unwanted habits. Those of us who're more cerebral may have trouble accessing their emotions, but I'm an exception to that. I'm aware for me that emotions are a very important part of this, especially if the urges seem insistent or intense... The cue may call toward a deeper emotional need, an inward brokenness yet needing healing...
Yes, as they say, Life is the Teacher, and like it or not, these unwanted behaviors have certainly been a necessary teacher.
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Definitely, Escape! The repeatability, the patterned behavior is this thing's weakness. This is why I like to say, '...hack into this addiction or habit', because we can use the pattern against itself. For example, if bringing the laptop into bed with us is the repeated behavior, then we can start leaving it in another room at bed time.
At the start of last year (Oct 2020 into 2021) I began to simply address 'when' and 'where' I looked at my phone, including not bringing it into the bathroom if I get up to use it in the middle of the night. It doesn't mean that I haven't, but if I do, I know that the purpose is because I'm acting out to some degree...
And of course addressing my social media use has continued to be all-important in making real change. So, building on last year's (and the years before that, ha!) lessons, I can only get better and better. I may have my moments, but I can't go back- to do so, I'd probably have to escalate, and I really don't have the stomach to escalate. The danger with me is, I'm so darn creative...
New year, new us! Let's do this, brother!
zaraki888
Active Member
Hello Phineas,
First of all I wish you and everyone a Happy New Year! And second, well done having an amazing streak.
What happened to you and to me on 24th is the reason why I finally figured out for myself also I should stop counting days. The thing is, when I count days, I have the feeling I am still not there yet and need more time. In my mind I had the believe I need to reach 100 days. But after 100 days I didn't feel any difference. And so I thought I needed more time but nothing happened.
Every time I was about to reach an end date, 90, 100, 120, 140, I almost relapsed by the end of each goal.
I unfortunate made a slip up while I was reading Rational Recovery. I think I mis-understand the instruction and thought I had to feel the urge and craving again to feel the beast and learn from it.
When it happened again I stopped reading.
I realized I forgot 2 instructions from the book Easypease. 1. Fear and uncertainty, doubt creates pangs. According to Easypease, we are already free, already a non user when we close the browser. No need to wait for the moment of revelation. ''it is only doubt and waiting that makes it difficult to quit''
Another instruction from Easypease: there is no such thing as a peek. ''the confidence trick'' thinking I can get away with it.
In other words, you are already free Phineas! Have no doubt. You have already kicked the addiction from your life.
I find it absurd the 90 challenge. First, 90 days or 16 weeks feels like climbing Mount Everest. When I do achieve but make a slip up right before 90 days, it feels like I have to start all over again and when I do go beyong 90 days and don't feel any different (as neurological changes happens so slowly), I begin to doubt myself and then doubt creates fear and fear leads to pangs, cravings and urges.
I would like to quote from Easypeasy:
''What’s the difference between users and non-users? Non-users haven’t any need, nor desire to watch porn,
they’re without craving and don’t need to exercise willpower in order to not watch it. ''
So I decided to stop counting days. I will only remember the date when I started and will mark my slip ups in a spreadsheet. I read in the book Rational Recovery, counting hours is beast activity.
I will keep using Easypeasy and ''the no arousal methode'' from bigbookofpenis
Take care Phineas!
First of all I wish you and everyone a Happy New Year! And second, well done having an amazing streak.
What happened to you and to me on 24th is the reason why I finally figured out for myself also I should stop counting days. The thing is, when I count days, I have the feeling I am still not there yet and need more time. In my mind I had the believe I need to reach 100 days. But after 100 days I didn't feel any difference. And so I thought I needed more time but nothing happened.
Every time I was about to reach an end date, 90, 100, 120, 140, I almost relapsed by the end of each goal.
I unfortunate made a slip up while I was reading Rational Recovery. I think I mis-understand the instruction and thought I had to feel the urge and craving again to feel the beast and learn from it.
When it happened again I stopped reading.
I realized I forgot 2 instructions from the book Easypease. 1. Fear and uncertainty, doubt creates pangs. According to Easypease, we are already free, already a non user when we close the browser. No need to wait for the moment of revelation. ''it is only doubt and waiting that makes it difficult to quit''
Another instruction from Easypease: there is no such thing as a peek. ''the confidence trick'' thinking I can get away with it.
In other words, you are already free Phineas! Have no doubt. You have already kicked the addiction from your life.
I find it absurd the 90 challenge. First, 90 days or 16 weeks feels like climbing Mount Everest. When I do achieve but make a slip up right before 90 days, it feels like I have to start all over again and when I do go beyong 90 days and don't feel any different (as neurological changes happens so slowly), I begin to doubt myself and then doubt creates fear and fear leads to pangs, cravings and urges.
I would like to quote from Easypeasy:
''What’s the difference between users and non-users? Non-users haven’t any need, nor desire to watch porn,
they’re without craving and don’t need to exercise willpower in order to not watch it. ''
So I decided to stop counting days. I will only remember the date when I started and will mark my slip ups in a spreadsheet. I read in the book Rational Recovery, counting hours is beast activity.
I will keep using Easypeasy and ''the no arousal methode'' from bigbookofpenis
Take care Phineas!
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Thank you, Zaraki!
To be fair, I understand the 90 days as a rough baseline to work toward in 'rebooting' physiologically from a habit that has devastated our dopamine receptors, cutting link between true pleasure with a real human being, and our penis. There's also a roughly 60 days, more or less, to address brain-fog (hypofrontality) and p-memory (DeltaFos B). Also, it generally takes 3 to 4 months to change a habit...
So, in the beginning, counting days might make sense. But after a while, it quit making sense in my journey as it began to be a negative. I wasn't after any particular goal or 'abstinence challenge' (90 day or 120 day), which I had already completed a couple of times last year any way.
I can definitely relate to the fear or possibility of lapsing right when you're about to hit your target number...!
But now simply living life free from P, PMO and MO (which agrees with your EasyPeasy Method), counting days feels almost like 'counting down' to a lapse. Or it creates a false sense that I'm alright at X-amount of days, when other things could be going on against recovering.
Not counting days for me also diminishes porn in my mind, that it's not some all-powerful thing I'm trying to avoid, and it takes pressure off of me from failing. If I lapsed, I'm not stepping on the 3rd-rail of my recovery, it's not curtains or the end of the world. While not desireable, it's not a show stopper. Can neural pathways be resensitized? Sure. Can old habits become rehabitualized? Definitely. So, we address what needs addressing, but without all the pressure.
Good luck in your journey!
To be fair, I understand the 90 days as a rough baseline to work toward in 'rebooting' physiologically from a habit that has devastated our dopamine receptors, cutting link between true pleasure with a real human being, and our penis. There's also a roughly 60 days, more or less, to address brain-fog (hypofrontality) and p-memory (DeltaFos B). Also, it generally takes 3 to 4 months to change a habit...
So, in the beginning, counting days might make sense. But after a while, it quit making sense in my journey as it began to be a negative. I wasn't after any particular goal or 'abstinence challenge' (90 day or 120 day), which I had already completed a couple of times last year any way.
I can definitely relate to the fear or possibility of lapsing right when you're about to hit your target number...!
But now simply living life free from P, PMO and MO (which agrees with your EasyPeasy Method), counting days feels almost like 'counting down' to a lapse. Or it creates a false sense that I'm alright at X-amount of days, when other things could be going on against recovering.
Not counting days for me also diminishes porn in my mind, that it's not some all-powerful thing I'm trying to avoid, and it takes pressure off of me from failing. If I lapsed, I'm not stepping on the 3rd-rail of my recovery, it's not curtains or the end of the world. While not desireable, it's not a show stopper. Can neural pathways be resensitized? Sure. Can old habits become rehabitualized? Definitely. So, we address what needs addressing, but without all the pressure.
Good luck in your journey!
zaraki888
Active Member
Hello Phineas,
Thank you for writing back. Reading your post it reminds me of how helpful counting days was. Perhaps only counting days in the beginning might be beneficial until the habit has changed and then the right approach could be to forgot about porn all together. This was my idea to do it but I wasn't sure for how long I had to keep doing.
Yes it started to get negative for me too after I was finally able to reach 4 months but I didn't feel any change or there was but I wasn't aware of it. I have relapsed in the past on day 86 and day 82 and it took me a lot of time, years to get back to even reaching 21 days. So I got fearful.
I totally agree you wrote ''counting days feels almost like 'counting down' to a lapse'' To me it feels just like that, like an unease feeling of having to look over my shoulder if someone is there. Yes that is also true creating a false sense doing something like a hidden crime but lying to oneself of doing nothing wrong.
The thing I don't like about counters is when someone has to reset it to zero, even though he may have really reached a half year porn and MO free. That is amazing progress but day 0 feels like everything is lost. Much easier in those moments to have a binge session or 2 being on day 0 as tomorrow is day 1. I noticed by myself how strong I really was, reaching close to 90 days but after a small slip up, I completely lost myself while I could have just kept going no big deal. So angry, disappointed and having fears thinking I lost all progress, I might as well give up. This time I won't fall for it being resilient.
Yes I also agree not counting days does feel much different then when I did count days. Indeed I still should be careful with slip ups as my brain can wire back in no time.
Thank you Phineas and I wish you good luck too in your journey!
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It's all part of not being defined by the habit yes? Part of shedding any addiction is the point where one no longer identifies as an addict to it i.e we're not "trying to quit" because "we've quit". Though my struggles with PMO continue, I am over a year cigarette free and I honestly couldn't tell you the exact number of days it's been since my last one. There's probably some wisdom to the observation that counting days beyond a certain point actually becomes detrimental.
All these things are just tools in the end, constructs we make & use to the greater purpose of meaningful recovery yes? If the tool no longer serves a purpose, why continue to use it?
An update:
I'm doing well. Today is over 10 days since I acted out to P, PMO, or MO. I'm not calculating the days exactly, not to be fuzzy about it, but to say to myself that I'm not approaching this in that way anymore. At the same time, it's an assessment for where I'm at now.
I had ended the year rough, and it was the culmination of where p-subs had taken me. But I addressed, once again, my social media use: deleted this or that follow, unsaved this or that pic, and addressed the algorithm in my 'discover' area. So, we're also talking about a solid 10 days or so since p-subs or edging has been engaged in.
There is maybe one or two follows I overlooked (forgetting what they were) that are kind of provacative on IG. This is somewhat on purpose, as to not be overly restrictive, which would have the opposite affect on me, and perhaps encourage obsession. So, I kind of use them as 'exposure therapy', as not acted on or reacted to, which reminds one that they're in charge, not external stimuli.
There were, then, early yesterday morning about 3 different stimuli which kind of interested me, caused or cued urges to come up for me. I let these go, without acting on them. They were not an issue even by the end of the day. The urges were real, and if I gave them thought, emotion, or reaction, they would have grown stronger and demanded to be acted on. Instead, I dismissed them. I'm also keeping my time limit on IG to be around 15 minutes a day, average. IG provides 'tools' to control your time, but it's a deception to get you to actually use more. One has to be aware of that.
I'm doing well and feel good. I'm not obsessing on anything, and working my recovery.
@Orbiter > Exactly, and well said. We need to know what helps us currently, and discard what gets in our way.
I'm doing well. Today is over 10 days since I acted out to P, PMO, or MO. I'm not calculating the days exactly, not to be fuzzy about it, but to say to myself that I'm not approaching this in that way anymore. At the same time, it's an assessment for where I'm at now.
I had ended the year rough, and it was the culmination of where p-subs had taken me. But I addressed, once again, my social media use: deleted this or that follow, unsaved this or that pic, and addressed the algorithm in my 'discover' area. So, we're also talking about a solid 10 days or so since p-subs or edging has been engaged in.
There is maybe one or two follows I overlooked (forgetting what they were) that are kind of provacative on IG. This is somewhat on purpose, as to not be overly restrictive, which would have the opposite affect on me, and perhaps encourage obsession. So, I kind of use them as 'exposure therapy', as not acted on or reacted to, which reminds one that they're in charge, not external stimuli.
There were, then, early yesterday morning about 3 different stimuli which kind of interested me, caused or cued urges to come up for me. I let these go, without acting on them. They were not an issue even by the end of the day. The urges were real, and if I gave them thought, emotion, or reaction, they would have grown stronger and demanded to be acted on. Instead, I dismissed them. I'm also keeping my time limit on IG to be around 15 minutes a day, average. IG provides 'tools' to control your time, but it's a deception to get you to actually use more. One has to be aware of that.
I'm doing well and feel good. I'm not obsessing on anything, and working my recovery.
@Orbiter > Exactly, and well said. We need to know what helps us currently, and discard what gets in our way.
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Last night I lapsed to MO. It has been since November 28, 2021 for the last MO episode, that is 45 days since this particular behavior.
Since Monday night I've been struggling with p-subs and edging. Why? I had been doing so well in not dealing with these behaviors, however, that Monday my wife and I got in an ugly fight. It dug into core issues for me, and I lost control emotionally, in an uncharacteristic fashion.
My wife was very focused on a to-do list, and I pushed back on something (did I need to even do that?), and it triggered a fight. She attacked core issues for me, which maybe she meant in a more immediate sense but I took as an attack on identity and purpose. All illusory, all nonsense in the bigger picture, however, in the moment it struck a cord...
Not only did I feel emasculated and denigrated by her words during the fight, but I also felt extremely angry and disappointed with myself for having lost control like that.
I knew my use of T.V. later on that night was a search for comfort, and likewise how I've been dealing since with IG in the same-old way. This has been two nights of this, and last night it became a MO session.
I type this out now to head this off from descending further into other behaviors that are not too far away.
How do I plan to handle this as far as social media? The same as I've been doing. Anything saved or anyone followed out of this place of lust must be dealt with, and I have to once again deal with the alogrithms, which I was so proud I changed- but it is what it is.
How do I address the deeper issues? [trigger warning] I know that my longing to see heavy bosomed women is a yearning for love and nurturing I never received as a child. My mother was emotionally neglectful and abusive, and my deep needs for nurturing, comfort, and affection became sexualized even as a child. This is why these are for me maladaptive behaviors.
I am no longer that abused and neglected child. But recognizing the source for these wants and needs, the causes for this brokenness within is important. My answer as before is to turn to God to meet these needs spiritually. If I can make love to my wife (we made up yesterday), that's good. But even my wife cannot meet my inmost needs. Therefore, I'm seeking to meet my needs spiritually, as it's God that I'm truly thirsty and hungry for.
Since Monday night I've been struggling with p-subs and edging. Why? I had been doing so well in not dealing with these behaviors, however, that Monday my wife and I got in an ugly fight. It dug into core issues for me, and I lost control emotionally, in an uncharacteristic fashion.
My wife was very focused on a to-do list, and I pushed back on something (did I need to even do that?), and it triggered a fight. She attacked core issues for me, which maybe she meant in a more immediate sense but I took as an attack on identity and purpose. All illusory, all nonsense in the bigger picture, however, in the moment it struck a cord...
Not only did I feel emasculated and denigrated by her words during the fight, but I also felt extremely angry and disappointed with myself for having lost control like that.
I knew my use of T.V. later on that night was a search for comfort, and likewise how I've been dealing since with IG in the same-old way. This has been two nights of this, and last night it became a MO session.
I type this out now to head this off from descending further into other behaviors that are not too far away.
How do I plan to handle this as far as social media? The same as I've been doing. Anything saved or anyone followed out of this place of lust must be dealt with, and I have to once again deal with the alogrithms, which I was so proud I changed- but it is what it is.
How do I address the deeper issues? [trigger warning] I know that my longing to see heavy bosomed women is a yearning for love and nurturing I never received as a child. My mother was emotionally neglectful and abusive, and my deep needs for nurturing, comfort, and affection became sexualized even as a child. This is why these are for me maladaptive behaviors.
I am no longer that abused and neglected child. But recognizing the source for these wants and needs, the causes for this brokenness within is important. My answer as before is to turn to God to meet these needs spiritually. If I can make love to my wife (we made up yesterday), that's good. But even my wife cannot meet my inmost needs. Therefore, I'm seeking to meet my needs spiritually, as it's God that I'm truly thirsty and hungry for.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Hey, man, I believe it's actually a good thing that you only relapsed to MO and not full PMO. You have a degree of control over this thing that I like. Those addiction are really a form of comfort and medication, aren't they? I know how this goes, I've been a slave of comfort and self-medication since I was 7. It's not easy to get rid of this unhealthy coping after many years and maybe especially if they started as a kid when noone really has any good coping skills. When you talked about looking for comfort, I felt that. I don't know what the solution should be, building other coping behaviors that are not destructive? Or what. I mean, I'm sure you've made some considerable progress in this aspect so far but then what's the final piece? Why do we keep going back to porn or masturbation? I know it's a repetitive habit, ingrained habit and all this but is it just that? Or something deeper that I don't get.
Thank you, Escape, for the support.
Yeah, being able to keep this in a kind of 'graded approach' as it were, is a blessing of longer streaks. On a major level, I know I'm in control, even if occassionally I somewhat lose control.
Indeed these have been coping methods of mine for years, even if the behaviors themselves have changed forms.
There are three parts in answer to your question:
1) Changing coping methods to something more healthier, as you said. This is why I mention God (for me) because I know that these needs, though manifesting sexually, are a deeper spiritual hunger/thirst. So, in the past- and now- if I'm obsessing or acting out, I'll try and switch it up, and go to my office in the middle of the night, and pray or worship. This has helped me many times.
2) Learning how to sit with these raw emotions, feelings of neglect, rejection, anger, sadness or depression, etc, without the need to 'escape' them through these behaviors. This is part of my 12th principle of Increase resilience and endurance. This, too, is where mindfulness comes in.
3) Seeking to heal emotionally from past trauma and distorted thinking that leads into acting out sexually.
So, there is more than just the physiological and/or psychological habit, but also deeper emotional issues and past trauma. This is why it's so important to be patient with oneself. Again, there's no one-size-fits-all cure, and everyone is different and heals from this differently.
Another perspective:
In the last 223 days, I've only lapsed > 7x (counting between June 3, 2021 and January 12, 2022)!
This is a 96.86% success rate for the last 7 months, 9 days.
In the last 223 days, I've only lapsed > 7x (counting between June 3, 2021 and January 12, 2022)!
This is a 96.86% success rate for the last 7 months, 9 days.