End of the Month Report for January 2022:
In the month of January there were 2x episodes > MO, these occurred on the 12th and the 16th.
Both lapses were related to p-subs and a near habit of edging. There are currently 15 days since MO occurred.
P, and PMO are left in 2021 as last year's news. But I know given my current situation, diligence and focus are of paramount importance.
I'm coming out of January, despite last night's struggles, with a new and improved approach toward social media, as that continues to be an area deserving heightened awareness and a strict in-and-out approach, without being overly restrictive. I've improved in how I approach IG and YT, as well as FB, but these continue to be potential 'warzones'.
How did I do yesterday? The wife and daughter were out of town for an overnighter. I feel I let my wife down from being an emotional support for her when she needed me, but then again, by me staying behind, we earned a needed amount of money we perhaps wouldn't have made otherwise. Again, she gave me an out, and I took it.
I had a good day. Thoughts came to me about how great it would be to act out, but I ignored those thoughts. I was focused on finally making a teaching video that was in waiting for quite a while... I uploaded that, had a late lunch or dinner, and just watched T.V. before posting and watching the finished product.
Night time was different. And it could be that I put too much emotion, expectation, and/or anticipation, on how the night would unfold? It started off well enough, relaxing... But by bedtime I already had physical reactions to the night ahead, even shaking- how much from the cold, how much from the brain anticipating dopamine hits?
It was overall successful, despite some going back and forth [note: Reddit = porn gateway!], but not to the degree of obsession as in the past. A strange focus (audio) actually kept me from escalating any visual stimuli. Went to the computer once (compared to multiple times in the past), and didn't see anything, but came to RN instead.
Prayer was a little wishy-washy, perhaps due to the ambivalence?
Sleep was lacking due to the degree of obsessing that did occur, but no red-line behaviors were engaged. I did sleep and relax as best I could.
I'm hoping that this month of January was/is a turning point, and I still intend it such. But there was certainly struggling that challenged that. But even during my 139 day streak last year without P, PMO, or MO, doesn't mean that there weren't the occasional fight- or that it was always picture perfect.