How Shall We Escape?

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Yep, definitely same for me. In a way, I view P, PMO as an elaboration on MO anyway. It's kind of an enhanced way of MO for me.

My history of fighting MO goes way back to my early twenties, when as a new Christian, I had knock-down drag-out fights with it, and finally overcame for a good year (1990-91) until things took a wierd turn for me into P and Sex addiction...

You couldn't have said it better, bro! PMO as an enhanced MO. That's exactly what it is. It's masturbation taken to extreme.

 

[Phineas 808]

This will be my weekly check-in, though I may extend this to a bi-weekly, but we'll see how it goes.

It has been 24 days since any P, or PMO was seen, searched or engaged with.

And it has been 7 days since my last MO episode, which takes me out of that previous 4 day streak regarding this.

My new way of looking at abstinence days or lapses is kind of an inverse of counting days, though I obviously still do that time to time... And that is on a monthly basis I will reward myself with 0x lapses. Each new day, each new month begins with 0x lapses, and any day without porn is a day to celebrate.

And at the end of each 90 day period I will assess how well I did, with the goal of having 100% success rate. Each lapse, should they occur will of course diminish from this celebratory number. But, it will also help me to gauge period to period overall progress or regress.

What does a monthly 0x lapse mean? It means purity, holiness, abstinence, sanctification (lived out), discipline, watchfulness over myself, and a basis from which fruitfulness in my faith, and success in reaching toward my dreams can be realized. Stringing together months of these will mean that I'm on track for a perfect 90 day period as well.

I am currently doing well, sticking to my approaches on social media. There is no edging and no p-subs. I am challenged with a video I need to make, and other goals I need to execute. I'm also challenged with (again) ending a female friendship which is the best choice for my marriage, and I'm also challenged by my marriage, lol...!

But, I'm hopeful and grateful.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Everything looks good, bro.

 

[Phineas 808]

Everything looks good, bro.

Thank you, Escape! I'll do another check-in tomorrow, and I'll have some end of the month, and then end of a 90 day period to evaluate in the coming days.

 

[guiganvoger]

Thanks for the constant dedication Phineas! It is helping to come back to the site after some time away to read that others can struggle but remain fastidious to the cause. I need to remind myself that this is a place for honesty and healing not judgement for my mistakes.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thanks for the constant dedication Phineas! It is helping to come back to the site after some time away to read that others can struggle but remain fastidious to the cause. I need to remind myself that this is a place for honesty and healing not judgement for my mistakes.

Thank you, guiganvoger! 'Honesty, healing and not judgement' - Yes! I hope this place always remains that way.

Our struggles are themselves a very sensitive topic, and when someone just lapsed, they're vulnerable. We need to be there for each other for if we're struggling, or trying to find our footing again after a lapse.

Some (in the past) were like 'rock stars', and never lapsed. And so they'll be 6 months in, but then react insensitively to others struggling. Luckily there's no one around RN like that in a while...! Our goal is to not lapse, but if we're doing good, I pray we never forget where we came from- and pick each other up.

 

[Phineas 808]

Checking in for the week...

It has been 31 days since I've seen P, or PMO occurred.

It's also been 14 days or 2 weeks since the latest episode of MO.

There have not been any episodes of edging or p-subs.

One night I wanted to edge, but I knew that even if I started that would be a reaction to a cue (from YouTube), and so I laid my hands at my side, and let the urges pass without incident.

Last night I was cued very strong, and had strong urges come on me due to my wife and daughter going out of town today for an overnighter.

We know how 'triggers' or cues work, and whenever my wife goes out of town- especially for an overnighter, this initiates a schema that plays in my head. I suppose this is similar to an urge, but is more deeper because a whole story line starts playing for me. You can think of a schema like a record or tape that starts playing automatically when cued.

I know that this has to be met with diligence and watchfulness. It's so strong that it's almost assumed that a lapse goes with her being out of town for an overnighter. But I've been successful with this before, and I've come to handle this a lot better than I used to. But last November, I didn't do so well with this in terms of P.

I have focus points on this issue:

When wife goes out of town, nip any thought or behavior in the bud, before it becomes obsessive (don't go there to begin with! Drink from the Lord).

Dismiss lapse-anticipation as mere thought/urge.

And as a related regret:

No fun time for self, when wife goes out of town (too busy with obsession, regret and fear of discovery, despite the pleasures of indulgence).

So this caused urges last night and this morning, and thoughts keep arising that I'll lapse later, or obsess about this tonight, etc...

But my 'end of the month' report is coming up, as well as an end of 90 day report, and I don't want to add any more episodes to these times, especially if I want to be diligent and ready to do better for next month and beyond.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Sounds good, man! I understand how that cue works because I have this "Edging in the morning" thing that triggers me every morning. It goes from when I was 14. I know exactly what it's like to have an annoying, repetitive cue like that. But what we learn we can unlearn too. We've conditioned ourselves to react to the cue, we can condition ourselves not to react to the cue. I've been dismissing the cue every morning since the beginning of the year, I don't give it attention. You got this, man!

 

[Phineas 808]

But what we learn we can unlearn too. We've conditioned ourselves to react to the cue, we can condition ourselves not to react to the cue.

This is said perfectly, and agrees with the latest cutting edge science of addiction or behavior modification.

As I like to say, We walked into this addiction, we have to walk our way back out of it. This is done just like you said, not reacting or responding to the cues, consistently, and the habit will eventually alter and cease.

Thanks for the support!

 

[Phineas 808]

End of the Month Report for January 2022:

In the month of January there were 2x episodes > MO, these occurred on the 12th and the 16th.

Both lapses were related to p-subs and a near habit of edging. There are currently 15 days since MO occurred.

P, and PMO are left in 2021 as last year's news. But I know given my current situation, diligence and focus are of paramount importance.

I'm coming out of January, despite last night's struggles, with a new and improved approach toward social media, as that continues to be an area deserving heightened awareness and a strict in-and-out approach, without being overly restrictive. I've improved in how I approach IG and YT, as well as FB, but these continue to be potential 'warzones'.

How did I do yesterday? The wife and daughter were out of town for an overnighter. I feel I let my wife down from being an emotional support for her when she needed me, but then again, by me staying behind, we earned a needed amount of money we perhaps wouldn't have made otherwise. Again, she gave me an out, and I took it.

I had a good day. Thoughts came to me about how great it would be to act out, but I ignored those thoughts. I was focused on finally making a teaching video that was in waiting for quite a while... I uploaded that, had a late lunch or dinner, and just watched T.V. before posting and watching the finished product.

Night time was different. And it could be that I put too much emotion, expectation, and/or anticipation, on how the night would unfold? It started off well enough, relaxing... But by bedtime I already had physical reactions to the night ahead, even shaking- how much from the cold, how much from the brain anticipating dopamine hits?

It was overall successful, despite some going back and forth [note: Reddit = porn gateway!], but not to the degree of obsession as in the past. A strange focus (audio) actually kept me from escalating any visual stimuli. Went to the computer once (compared to multiple times in the past), and didn't see anything, but came to RN instead.

Prayer was a little wishy-washy, perhaps due to the ambivalence?

Sleep was lacking due to the degree of obsessing that did occur, but no red-line behaviors were engaged. I did sleep and relax as best I could.

I'm hoping that this month of January was/is a turning point, and I still intend it such. But there was certainly struggling that challenged that. But even during my 139 day streak last year without P, PMO, or MO, doesn't mean that there weren't the occasional fight- or that it was always picture perfect.

 

[guitar1968]

Sounds like you're fighting the good fight @Phineas 808 - I wish you success this year. You have found much success to be sure. I guess it depends what your thoughts are on MO vs. PMO. I want to get away from PMO for good. MO not so much. I really am finding I need it less and less, which is good. But, I'm feeling like I'm missing something. So, I'm dealing with that. But I think after last year I'm off to a decent start to the year and sounds like you are as well.

Glad you are here. Good luck.

 

[Phineas 808]

Sounds like you're fighting the good fight Phineas - I wish you success this year. You have found much success to be sure. I guess it depends what your thoughts are on MO vs. PMO. I want to get away from PMO for good. MO not so much. I really am finding I need it less and less, which is good. But, I'm feeling like I'm missing something. So, I'm dealing with that. But I think after last year I'm off to a decent start to the year and sounds like you are as well.

Glad you are here. Good luck.

Thank you, guitar.

Your relationship with MO versus PMO all depends on what you want out of your reboot. For me, I'm not dealing with PIED as much as many are here, especially the high-speed internet guys, those who grew up on it. But for me, MO leads me back potentially to P, and PMO. In fact, for myself, I veiw PMO as an elaboration on MO. Instead of fantasies in our heads, it's pixalized women on a screen.

If one can utilize MO without fantasy? If MO doesn't relate back to PMO for them? If one can 'mindfully masturbate'? I don't know. I do state in one of my 'principals of recovery' that MO could be used sparingly if it offsets urges to PMO, but of course MO can also become a habit, too.

I know you've always held a place for it somewhere in your journey, and if it doesn't hinder your goals, it's all up to you.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I've rarely had a normal experience with regular MO because it's porn I crave, I would start a MO session but shortly I would want more stimulation and start fantasizing about porn which is not good.

 

[Phineas 808]

I've rarely had a normal experience with regular MO because it's porn I crave, I would start a MO session but shortly I would want more stimulation and start fantasizing about porn which is not good.

Yeah, MO typically (though not always) puts me in the f***-it mindset, where anything goes. It could take me from 0 to 90, to where all restraints are out the window, and I could cross all my redlines. But, if the O is acheived, then hopefully that starts the decrease of dopamine, but both the getting there and the days following (as it tries to become habit) are where the dangers are.

 

[Phineas 808]

End of 90 Day Assessment:

From November 5, 2021 to February 3, 2022 there were 7x episodes (or lapses). This is a 92.22% success rate.

The lapses were:

PMO > 1x
P > 3x
MO > 3x

This was with 5x episodes to P, PMO, MO (1x) occuring between November and December toward the end of the year, and 2x episodes to MO occurred in January.

The success rate is based on a 90 day period, and I also experienced a 92.22% between May 5th and August 6th of 2021. But I also know that a 100% success rate is possible, which I experienced during my initial 139 day streak, between November 6, 2020 and February 4, 2021. This rate now is among the lowest, as I've done between this and higher since rejoining RN.

To be fair, I just started counting things on a monthly and 90 day basis, to measure my overall success in a wider scope of time. This post will also motivate me toward achieving a 100% success rate for February 4, 2022 to May 5, 2022. This will be, obviously, by attaining 0x lapses on a monthly basis.

The areas of focus to achieve this will be:

1. My approach toward social media (and t.v. in general), an in-and-out approach, purposeful and mindful.

2. How I respond toward 'inner cues' or emotional reactions arising from relationships with my wife, daughter, and any potential rejections in my work/ministry.

3. I need a solid plan (forthcoming) for when my wife goes out of town, which she plans to eventually travel to visit her friend in Germany.

Currently I feel good and not obsessive, despite my struggles last Sunday - Monday; by that Tuesday I was fine. This may be tested should I be cued in some way soon, but I'm of the mindset to dismiss urges, to be focused. I'm maintaining my approach to social media, though it was a part of my previous struggle. The wife is still sore with me for not going with her last Sunday, but we're not fighting, which is good.

This post is with a little lower success rate then I would've liked, but it serves as motivation to do better, to be better, and to aim at once and for all ridding myself of these unwanted behaviors. The danger here is to not think of it in terms of black-and-white, and so in a counter intuitive sense, space has to be held for the possibility of failure or of lapses. But as seen, my success rate was still over 90% successful, even with 7x episodes. I can and will do better!

 

[Phineas 808]

As promised, here is a plan for when my wife goes out of town for an overnighter (not rules, but guidance).

Edited in lieu of a recent 3-night trial run (July 5, 6, and 7).

This situation, even the idea of it, has been a major cue with schemas playing out. Though this has gotten far better over the years, it still remains a danger zone, and so necessary to focus on specifically. The hope is to not have lengthy periods of abstinence disrupted or longterm recovery threatened.

Overnighter Action Plan:

1. Appreciate what starts the obsessing, reaching for t.v. (day time, night time)? Video games (GTA V), searching for images, or 'strip-club' scene? Music videos, foreign or American, that are tantalizing? IG's suggestions area? TikTok? Emotions relating to 'how she left'- as in no kiss, or anger, or anything implying guilt or shame?

2. Appreciate the hours wasted in obsession, going back and forth, culminating in a lapse (P, PMO, or MO). Think about all the hours gone, and it's almost time to get up! Remember how it feels trying to squeeze in one hour of sleep!

3. Nip any thought or behavior in the bud. How? By worship, or doing something productive.

4. Zero t.v. policy (?) at night when getting ready for bed- unless it can be done in freedom without obsession.

5. Start in the Spirit, end in the Spirit (praying in tongues).

6. Associate iPhone with prayer, like strategically placing it in your office, unless you can use it (the phone itself) in the spirit of ERP.

7. Make a list of all the fun and productive things you want to do or accomplish.

8. Remember that time summers ago when the only thing you did was listen to an audio file, and then stopped?

- How did it make you feel to have a night free from obsessing?

- What 'tricks' did you do to offset obsessing?

- I neither fought nor fed urges, just breathed through them non-judgmentally (I waited, held space...).

9. Think about the next morning, will you be rested or too tired from obsessing?

- Will you be happy for abstaining or angry from wasting a potential fun time with stupid behaviors?

- Will you be able to talk to the wife with a clean conscience?

- Or will you have to rehearse how to answer, so as to avoid a voice weakened by a guilty conscience?

- Will you be confident without shame, or have more secrets to hide?

- Are you happy with how you spent your private time?

10. Can you enjoy alcohol mindfully without it lowering your inhibitions? Enjoying it means more than just physical safety, you also must be morally and spiritually safe.

11. If wife and daughter are both out of town, pc is a potential issue: go to RN, or look up self-help videos, pray it through (divert, disrupt).

12. In lieu of any urges, thirsts, hunger, drink from the Lord that thirst-quenching Living Water.

13. Create and maintain sacred space, inwardly and outwardly. Confront and cast down opposition (bind). Call out specifically what it is:

"You can't conquer what you don't confront."

14. Treat physiological phenomenon (like 'shakes') as mere thought-urges from the lower brain, and dismiss them by holding off, breathing deep.

15. Include God in all your time: good, bad or ugly. Include Him in all your temptations, or in the good times (drinking/socializing).

16. Hold off on any urges until sleep overtakes you.

17. Are you distracted? Do you feel in a negative mood? Do you have low energy? Physically do something, pray and worship in tongues!

18. Be non-judgmental on lapse-anticipation/planning, treat it as mere thought/urge from the lower brain.

19. If watching anything (p-subs or beyond), think of the existential oddity that you're trying to sexually connect with 2-dimensional images on a phone, t.v. or computer screen, rather than with people in real life.

20. Recognize anything (moods, behaviors) that serves as part of the greater ritual toward acting out, and undercut these by altering your mood and/or physical energy (physiology, self-talk, focus).

21. Radical acceptance > being non-judgmental with myself, even in lieu of a slip, a violation of my rules, or even a lapse.

22. Giving yourself space (holding off) for a better outcome, not resisting, just waiting.

23. Hard journal, or come onto RN to help others... (How to in lieu of moving on?)

24. Not wanting to mark a lapse, but to create as much distance as possible from the last lapse, but accepting that a lapse may occur.

25. Being successful for yourself alone, having no one with whom to report, to receive 'atta-boys', and no applause- but from yourself.

26. Don't interpret her not being here, or adding another night (even if it includes your birthday) personally. It's not about you.

27. In lengthier overnighters, it's okay to have 1, 2, or 3 normal (no frills) nights. Just do your normal routine.

28. If watching t.v., even if obsessing, know when to get out and turn off.

29. Challenge any acting out or obsessive behavior with prayer in the Spirit, in tongues. (Don't just pray about it, but pray against it.)

30. If intent on acting out with the phone, let benign videos give space, to hold off and give you pause to redirect your focus.

31. If obsessive with phone or in general, listen to the audio Bible on the earphones.

More may be added, or this list amended as warranted. This list could also apply for when I myself go out of town for overnighters.

 

[Phineas 808]

Checking in for the week, hoping you all are doing well.

It has now been 38 days since any P, or PMO occurred.

It's also been 21 days or 3 weeks since the last episode of MO.

There hasn't been any episodes of edging or p-subs.

I'm doing well. Seeking to be diligent on social media, as that is the main area of concern where if I approach it carelessly, mindlessly I would fall back into former habits.

There are no issues linking back to my struggles last week when the family were out of town.

I did make love to my wife last night, but I got in my head too much, and performance anxiety prevented me from completing the mission. But this is something that happens occasionally and not a major concern. However, we tend to have lengthy stretches of time between our love making episodes, and so I want to shorten that from what is maybe 2x a month to 1x a week.

It is a concern being in my head when I should just be in the moment, and to not rely on p-memory or fantasy to keep Ol' Willy engaged. I really don't need to do that, and so rewiring is definitely a part of my recovery effort.

I am still dealing with the female friendship (emotional not sexual), as it is difficult to let go of. I know I need to, so I'm not stuck in life and so I'm not dishonoring my wife in any way. But again, I don't have so many friends that I can pick-and-choose who to let go of, and who to keep. It's difficult when my wife can get on the phone and talk to her friends and family (daily), and I have literally no one to talk to outside my immediate family.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Sounds good, man! You got the plan!

 

[EarthWalker]

I am still dealing with the female friendship (emotional not sexual), as it is difficult to let go of. I know I need to, so I'm not stuck in life and so I'm not dishonoring my wife in any way. But again, I don't have so many friends that I can pick-and-choose who to let go of, and who to keep. It's difficult when my wife can get on the phone and talk to her friends and family (daily), and I have literally no one to talk to outside my immediate family.

I can relate to what you are saying about not having anyone to talk to.

About the female friendship. What does you heart say about this? If you would break this off simply because it might trigger trust issues in your wife...hm... maybe not the best reason? Anyway. Follow your intuition and heart and everything will work out.

Take care
EW

 

[Phineas 808]

I can relate to what you are saying about not having anyone to talk to.

About the female friendship. What does you heart say about this? If you would break this off simply because it might trigger trust issues in your wife...hm... maybe not the best reason? Anyway. Follow your intuition and heart and everything will work out.

Take care
EW

Thank you, EW. This has certainly been an ongoing issue, trying to 'end it' for 2 years now, lol...!

There are many reasons beyond what I mention above, personal feelings for her, dishonoring to my wife (it being secret), possible spiritual conflicts, which we needn't explore here.

I have 3 C's which I used to help in trying to decide what will ultimately happen, if the friendship doesn't end by my current efforts in the meanwhile...

Continuance, Containment, or Cessation.

Continuance isn't sustainable, as it amounts to a 'double-life' almost, living a lie...?

Containment is now where things stand, as I go into periods of silence, for 3-4 months at a time in 2020, but we always reconnect around holidays, birthdays, or if she's in need. She's ESL, and needs my help for her job relating to emails, etc... And sometimes we just miss each other...

Cessation is obviously the ending of the friendship, which if I was serious, I'd block her on all platforms, including emails, etc... But we have such understanding, she's been a trooper even with my 'containment' efforts...

You can see what kind of bombshell this would all be if it were made known to my 'better-half'. You can also see what conflict I have, too, in my soul. This has also been a factor in the past in my acting out toward my other issues (P, PMO, MO).