This journal is entering a new phase, turning a corner. Either that, or it collects dust on the shelf when in fact I still need it, need to engage it on a new level, a heart level.
I rejoined Reboot Nation back in November of 2020, having fallen back into an unwanted habit- an addiction- which was exacerbated by poor social media and phone use, losing a 22 year [non-] career, and a best friend (ongoing) along the way.
I was able to accomplish two notable lengthy streaks since that time:
139 days (11/6/20 - 3/25/21) and..
157 days (6/3/21 - 11/7/21) with 2x episodes of MO.
In between those streaks I've managed to get anywhere between 2 - 64 days free from P, PMO, and MO.
Right now, I'm in the in-between. And I'm having some success with p-subs and edging, but then I'll take two steps forward and three steps back with this... On Saturday I turned down a major opportunity to act out, even after being cued, and felt good to post here on Sunday. But by Saturday night, or Sunday morning I was down again.
Also, there's a part of me, as user LTE put it years ago, that still sees some kind of answer or solution in porn itself. I still perceive it, and the actions that lead up to or surround it, as being some kind of 'salvation'.
Going forward, I have no X-day challenge, I have no specific goal perse, except that I will live my life free from P, PMO, and MO. Everything else in this journal, all the abstinence challenges, were to be training wheels for this. But I feel that my efforts need to go passed the external question of whether or not I acted out, and go deeper to the heart level, as to why and what I'm actually going to do about it in such a way that it impacts me on a cellular level.
My interactions with my phone began here as a major catalyst for change, but did I go far enough? But this still serves as a major test as to where I'm at on a given day. I'm still working with my night-time use, with some promising success, but also with dangerous laxes.
This morning I am okay, but in a precarious and 'high-risk' place.
I know what it is to have a lengthy streak that one feels good about, without any (or very little) compromises in terms of p-subs and edging, and I also know what it is to have a lengthy streak that is more technical, where, okay, one hasn't crossed certain red-lines, but there's a going back-and-forth with p-subs and edging, and it doesn't feel like a win- at least not on a fundamental heart-level.
It is that heart-level I must now train my focus. Before, much was in my head- in terms of 'clinical' methods of abstinence and habit-change. But on a heart level, I have to get more spiritual in terms of discipline and walking in the Spirit. This may lose some. But I have to dig deeper to see fundamental change, and that's going to require that I reach for the Lord to drink of His Spirit each and every time I feel thirsty or hungry for the wrong thing.
The needs are real, and only the Real can meet those needs. Praying in the Spirit is the rope that pulls me out of the well.
