"How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation...?" - Hebrews 2:3a
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This text has much significance to me. The patriarch Joseph fled and escaped from Potiphar's wife, who was sexually aggressive. Potiphar's wife represents pornography. Joseph represents our ability to flee and escape PMO.
(Gen 39:7-12; 1Cor 6:18; 10:14; 2Tim 2:22; 1Jn 5:21).
My Story
I am a man in his early 50's. I am finding freedom and victory over addictive sexual behaviors. Through the decades old fight, I have found what works for me.
I grew up in a loveless home, where emotional and occasional physical abuse occurred. As a child, I found pornography on the playground in the 4th or 5th grade, and took it home as a keepsake. My neighborhood friend also had a stash.
I ran away from home at age 13, kicked out at 16, and grew up on the streets. I was the victim of a trauma as a runaway, which compounded shame based thinking.
I became a Christian at age 18, but struggled with lust and masturbation. I was in a legalistic and spiritually abusive church for 9 years. I overcame for a limited time (1990-91).
Sharing my trauma to my horrified (then) girlfriend, the death of my mother (Dec, 1992), and years of legalistic abuse caused new behavioral addictions to surface and escalate. These struggles included pornography and masturbation. Getting married didn't end the struggle, as I created a double-life. I also had an obsession with prostitutes (1993-94) and going to video porn stores (
6x ending 2003). I became secretive with T.V., home computer, and later the iPhone.
Trying different things to quit, I learned more about my addiction. I had different degrees of success (Patrick Carnes 2001; Desert Stream 2006), though often shame would drag me back down. Shame based thinking led to a lot of
white-knuckled approaches.
I embraced the
radical grace of God in 2013, and it began to undo my shame, a major driver of the addiction.
I joined Reboot Nation under a different name (2014-16), and accomplished long streaks without PMO or MO. I deleted my RN account after hitting my goals. I didn't want to identify with these behaviors any longer. I regretted this later...
I had hit
116 days without porn at least two different times. I even hit over
300 days, close to a year (March 2019 - March 2020) without going to porn sites!
Then the pandemic happened! I retired from a 22 year career and ended a close friendship at the same time (ongoing). Needless to say, I turned back to old habits of pmo
1-2x a week. This was due to unhealthy habits with social media: Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook.
Since June of 2020 I've been counting days again, at least until I can break this habit. My best didn't go past
24 days (July 2020), and I would average
8 days more or less without looking at porn.
I finally dealt with my social media use, and the relationship with my iPhone in general. This has so far given me
34 days free! This latest streak was significant, because I'm no longer using p-subs with social media, or edging! I'm yielding a more 'honest-reboot', a true and clean abstinence I can feel good about.
My Purpose in this Forum
First to help myself. This journal will help me to stay accountable to myself, and to focus on my current goals to end this habit. After reaching my goal of
120 days, I'll just live my life with new and better habits, without P, PMO, or MO.
Second, to help others in their journals with what works for me.
My Approach
All my successes have been without porn filters or blockers, and without accountability partners.
I focus on breaking the habit first without trying to heal the past, though we can do both simultaneously.
I do not embrace the disease model of addiction or 12-Step programs.
But if this helps you, I won't knock it!
My approaches are mainly-
Spiritual: This will include prayer, meditation, reading scripture, etc... But I have learned to not be moralistic with yourself, as that only strengthens the habit.
I've found the most success under hyper-grace. This is to believe that, no matter what, you're forgiven of all your sins: past, present and future. And to also believe that you're loved, made righteous and saved, before you were ever born (all you have to do is believe).
Mindfulness: It's about being in the present moment. Instead of fighting urges head on, I use awareness, focusing on the breath as I dismiss urges nonjudgmentally. I repeat this for every wave of urges that come (urge surfing).
Science of habit-change: We may retrain the brain (
neuroplasticity) away from these learned habits. This is more empowering to me than the disease model of addiction. We change the habits that surround our unwanted habit, as we take back our power.
My Plan Executed
My plan is to abstain from acting out to P, PMO or MO for
120 days. I'll have then retrained myself toward different behaviors and habits for life's circumstances.
Why this number?
120 is very spiritual (Gen 6:3; Acts 1:15; 2:1-4).
Also, it takes 90 days to promote habit change, and deal with the neural chemicals released during P, PMO:
DeltaFos B: 42-56 days (6-8 weeks), dealing with porn-memory.
Hypofrontality: 56 days (8 weeks), dealing with brain fog.
120 days =
15 x 8 (counting from 11/6/20, with completion dates):
8 days: 11/14/20
16 days: 11/22/20
24 days: 11/30/20
32 days: 12/8/20
40 days: 12/16/20
48 days: 12/24/20
56 days: 1/1/21
64 days: 1/9/21
72 days: 1/17/21
80 days: 1/25/21
88 days: 2/2/21
96 days: 2/10/21
104 days: 2/18/21
112 days: 2/26/21
120 days: 3/6/21
Goal Completed!
Blessings.
has to be stretched out from time to time, apparently you got this part checked out in your situation.
