How Shall We Escape?

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Phineas 808

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Hello, All.

I am now at a place, another turning point in my journey.

Since rejoining Reboot Nation in November of 2020, I've met my goals and hit lengthy streaks.

Beginning with my 120 day goal, the one I started with, I hit 139 days. This was followed by a 90 day goal, with which I hit 157 days.

Currently, I am doing good as recently reported.

I am, however, to no longer count days. I find it now 'counter-productive' and delimiting to me and my goals. My goals are of course beyond how many days I can abstain from P, PMO, or MO. It will still be important for me to abstain, and to move on from this in my life, but counting seems to tether me to the existence of the addiction, even if or when it becomes nothing but a faded memory. Am I still identifying myself with this thing?

From this day and forward I will not so closely link my journey with this site. I will not, however, discontinue my user or my journal (like last time in 2019). It will still serve to be a valuable resource to myself and others in their journeys.

I will continue the habit-changes I've implemented thus far which have been of immense help to me, and will continue to seek a deeper healing from all brokenness. But above all, I will be building my new life free from unwanted habits, and allowing God to work in me that new creation that I've always been.

I will still come by occasionally either to muse on some or other thing in my journal, or offer some help in another's journal- but I won't be able to post as often as before in other's journals. There are so many of you whose journeys I was sincerely and deeply interested in, my support is still yours- if not via keyboard, certainly in heart. I may come by and offer an occasional support, but I will always be mindful of your success.

To all who have helped me in this journey, from Gabe himself to so many of you who've shared this journey with me, I say, Thank you!

Phineas.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Sounds good, man. You're a good person, I can tell and you deserve to escape this stupid crutch. Being addicted for years, the crutch becomes the default. "This is me, this is my life, I walk with crutches." And we forget we can throw away the crutches and run. This action of throwing away the crutches is hard work but it pays off. 🤞I want to see you completely done with porn.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Phineas - I completely understand your post. Thanks for being such a help to countless people here at RN. I personally appreciate your honesty and GODLY approach. I have read through many of your posts countless times and the good news is people can still have access to some of the great resources you have provided. GOD Bless you brother in your journey!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Phineas, I understand your moving on, but I'll miss you all the same. You've been such an encouragement to me and everyone else that it's hard to believe you won't be here as much anymore. However, none of us are here to be here forever, but only to move on and get on with real life and out from the shadows.

I wish you the best brother.

Thanks again

Best

Blondie
 

zaraki888

Active Member
Thank you, Zaraki. You make a good point about recovery being a holistic thing, not just abstaining from the unwanted behavior. Are we working on the other parts of our lives? Are we maybe taking care of some of the deeper issues that became major drivers?

I do say that taking ownership, full responsibility (no one else's fault, nothing else's fault but my own) is the way to more quickly bounce back after a lapse.


P.S. I liked your quote from Marcus Aurelius.

Yes a holistic thing thank you. During my battles with porn in the past I never took care of myself on many levels. Now I do.

I agree. I should not blame events, situations or finding excuses but take full responsibility that I chose to lapse.

Thank you. I like Marcus Aurelius quotes and other Greek philosophers. :)
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Phineas,

I'm not going to lie, it feels sad to see you go. Your unwavering support, patience & advice to myself and many others has had a profound effect on many and has been a significant part of this board & community being as valuable as it it. But I understand and somewhat expected this was coming. The stage that you're at and the challenges you're facing go beyond the scope of this forum and the addiction itself.

We're not meant to be here forever, real life awaits us all beyond and it's up to us to be brave, move forward and live.

If it turns out you decide not to come back after all, I want to take this opportunity say thank you and genuinely wish you all the best for the future. You deserve it!

Take care.
 

zaraki888

Active Member
Hello Phineas,

I haven't been present much in your journal and couldn't support you. However I have this feeling that I also will miss you. You have helped me and countless others giving insight and help, being supportive, persistent and be there for us. It takes energy, time and many other things to do so in order to help. A true role model, a hero you are. If you may wonder, unfortunate I don't have the energy to be here often because of personal issues, my root trauma which I keep for myself.

I like it that you do not count days anymore. There is no reason for it I understand as you have become free from slavery. I understand it is time for you to go beyond this plateau. I will be there soon as well :) Well done and I wish you all the best!

May you be blessed by much love and happiness!

Zaraki
 

Phineas 808

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Thank you to all who posted replies and well wishes, you will all truly be missed...

@Escapeandnevercomeback ~ You won't have me to say sappy things on your journal anymore about self-love. But, and I mean this, the fact that you keep coming back says alot about you, that you will not give up until you're successful- and I believe you already are. Getting up and trying again is a success in and of itself.

@JerryTX ~ I believe with you for wider and more far reaching victories in your own journey. I hope you and your wife to have happiness.

@Blondie ~ Though it seems we just met yesterday, I think we would have a lot to discuss over a beer sometime, if that could ever happen. You have a lot of interesting things to say, and you deserve the best life has to offer. Thank you for being a stalwart example.

@zaraki888 ~ Though you just came around when you could, we've always had great interactions and seemed to always understand each other's approach. I certainly understand trauma, which my own I've only hinted at as well. I of course wish you the best and success in your life. Health and happiness!

@Orbiter ~ You make me second guess what the hell I'm doing, lol...! The offer I made a while back (in message form) still stands, and if you ever reach out- in your journal or via message, I will respond. I do say above, too, that I'll come by time and again, and that means to visit others in their journals as well. Your journey has been one to embed itself in my mind and heart for years now- I may have followed you before as my original user (2014 - 2016). I'll always be interested in your progress and success- and I know that the best is yet to come for you.

Blessings, All.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
i'm so sad to watch you go Phineas. i don't really know what to say man, the community will not be the same after you go.

but I respect and understand your choice, it's your life. you do you. i hope all the best and happiness in this world for you my friend.

all the members will miss you for sure, we will miss your guidance and wisdom. you are like that big uncle that always guides us to get out form this porn maze.

you are our Gandalf that guides the travelers and rescues them from trolls, Goblins, and Wargs of porn.

take care of yourself and your family, stay safe, and have a good one.

peace.

Ezel.
 
From this day and forward I will discontinue my journey here, at least I will not so closely link my journey with this site. I will not, however, discontinue my user or my journal (like last time in 2016). It will still serve to be a valuable resource to myself and others in their journeys.
Sad to see you go Phineas - but congratulations on reaching the next stage of your journey
You have inspired and aided many with your nuanced view of recovery and honest, introspective posts about your journey
I really appreciate your support - it helped a lot and advanced my understanding of recovery
I have reread your post about control and the power of porn many times - just one of many examples of the wisdom you've left here
Stay strong and healthy and enjoy the next phase. All the best brother! 💪
 

Phineas 808

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you are our Gandalf that guides the travelers and rescues them from trolls, Goblins, and Wargs of porn.

Thank you so much for your words, @Ezel. I can only hope to have the wisdom and wizardry that is the character Gandalf, to live up to that name.

For now, many times, I am still Frodo, taking the one ring to the fires of Mordor, to cast it in once and for all!

I know that you will continue doing well, and kicking porn's arse! I'm inspired by your efforts.

God bless you, Ezel- you are a good man, a forgiven man.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Wishing you continued luck and happiness on your journey. You have done good work here. I definitely get that same feeling. I can't come here forever, but for now a couple times a week still seems helpful to me. I'm hoping to eventually walk away into the sunset myself.

Take care!!!
 

Phineas 808

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I was part of a jury, the trial is over and a verdict of 'guilty' was reached as based on the facts presented to us.

The crime involved the sexual exploitation of children. This guy had on his phone, interspersed among 8,000 images of himself (yes, of his dick), his car, and [legal] gay porn, were 20 images of illicit material depicting and showing the actual abuse of children- in that way...

As part of our duty as jurors, we had to watch examples of this material. I looked away when I could, but in order to fairly ascertain the guilt or innocence of this person before us, I made myself watch what were mostly videos and a few still images.

This was disturbing to me for many reasons, and I could've followed some on the path of excusing oneself from their civic duty by stating my own trauma, or how it'd be too traumatic to see the abuse of children, etc... But I like how one fellow juror put it, a lady, who said that "We're here to do a job, and check ourselves at the door." She basically was saying, It's not about us, but the greater good.

Some takeaways:

1. Porn is escalatory in nature. The novelty of p-viewing, when the dopamine receptors are too fried to 'get off' on one's normal tastes, one begins to escalate- as this man did.

2. In the porn-world, there are always victims, whether or not the genre is legal. The victims may be actors, portraying victimhood, or they may be actual willing participants who enjoy what's happening- but they're all victims. Victims of a low self-esteem that they fail to value themselves as being worth more than being degraded. Or they're victims of a voracious demand for their material. Or, the viewers are victims of a multi-billion dollar industry that takes advantage of a man's brokenness and wounding.

3. The victimhood of the porn-industry, even as it insulates itself from the more horrific and illegal genres, nonetheless promote the dissolution of the family unit, which leads to the direct abuse of children- eventually. It's like my friends who used to glorify pot smoking, but let me pull back the curtain and you can see the deadly nature of the bigger drug dealers who kill each other to compete in getting the drug 'to market'.

4. The particular genres to which we may be exposed to (even if legal) numb us, dull us, redefine us and make us something less than human, even- and often- bestial. Two separate occassions I passed this person in the same public restroom, the defendant. The first time he looked at me, and I at him (before his case was decided). We exchanged no words, but my 'feel' of him was that he was callous, a monster, a beast- and not a man. This was not me pre-judging him, but a spiritual 'feel' of him- seeing a soul-less man looking back at me, instead of two humans looking at each other in a mirror... I saw no soul, no humanity.

Knowing the specifics of this case, this guy eats, breathes, and lives pornography (the legal kind), but after awhile, his tastes altered, and the legal kind (as gross and vile as that was) was not enough.
 

Phineas 808

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Damn, man, that was a hell of a story.:oops:

Thank you, brother. It was a little traumatic just to sit through this trial. I'm of the mindset that I 'love' the whole criminal justice system, it's right up my alley from the arrest, to the conviction (or exoneration), to the punitive side. It fascinates me- and yet, this was so difficult for its nature, and the children that are being abused around the world... :( Still processing that....

Just in case it comes up, I was in no way 'triggered' by having to do this, but certainly that weird 'porn feeling' was there when the evidence started to play- but it was more of a horror show that this is what the human condition can and has come to...

By turning ourselves around, we're the answer- one person at a time- in changing the downward spiral of humanity.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thank you, brother. It was a little traumatic just to sit through this trial. I'm of the mindset that I 'love' the whole criminal justice system, it's right up my alley from the arrest, to the conviction (or exoneration), to the punitive side. It fascinates me- and yet, this was so difficult for its nature, and the children that are being abused around the world... :( Still processing that....

Just in case it comes up, I was in no way 'triggered' by having to do this, but certainly that weird 'porn feeling' was there when the evidence started to play- but it was more of a horror show that this is what the human condition can and has come to...

By turning ourselves around, we're the answer- one person at a time- in changing the downward spiral of humanity.
Definitely man. I can imagine. But knowing about porn addiction, I could understand the guy. The escalating and shocking nature of porn addiction is crazy. Did anybody else in the jury knew about this?
 
Wow that is a crazy story Phineas
I hope you are taking care of your own mental state - it sounds kinda traumatic
I am sure all the mental fortitude you have been building through your recovery work must have helped
Inspiring to see you talk of it as your civic duty too. Probably I would have noped out at the first opportunity
Stay strong and take care of yourself brother 💪
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Wow that is a crazy story Phineas
I hope you are taking care of your own mental state - it sounds kinda traumatic
I am sure all the mental fortitude you have been building through your recovery work must have helped
Inspiring to see you talk of it as your civic duty too. Probably I would have noped out at the first opportunity
Stay strong and take care of yourself brother 💪
Definitely. I would have avoided to participate in that.
 

Phineas 808

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Definitely man. I can imagine. But knowing about porn addiction, I could understand the guy. The escalating and shocking nature of porn addiction is crazy. Did anybody else in the jury knew about this?

I definitely kept in mind that this was his addiction, and you could see the escalatory nature of it. The illegal downloads occurred at 3 different times, and each time you could see the number of videos increasing, like he found a new taste, an increase in his dopamine response.

That aspect didn't factor in, but all could see that porn was the 'love of his life'- the police raid occurred at 6 in the morning, and guess what was playing on the big flat screen t.v.? Yep, [legal] porn! These dudes were doing meth all night, and watching porn!

When one undecided juror was like, "Out of all those videos, how could he have known that those [20] images were on his phone?" My answer was, when you love something, really love something (as we all do), you know EXACTLY where that stuff is, and how to find it. Also, one has to purposely download that crap, as it just doesn't happen by happenstance.

Even though it was his addiction, he was by no means the victim here. He made a series of purposeful decisions that became an addiction, and he made a sereis of purposeful decisions that escalated it into illegal genres.
 
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