How Shall We Escape?

[EarthWalker]

The crime involved the sexual exploitation of children. This guy had on his phone, interspersed among 8,000 images of himself (yes, of his dick), his car, and [legal] gay porn, were 20 images of illicit material depicting and showing the actual abuse of children- in that way...

I don't get it - did the guy abuse children or just downloaded 20 illegal images from somewhere?

In terms of justice, there are the laws of Man and then there are the laws of God. In my understanding the laws of God are quite simple.

1. Do no harm, 2. Cause no loss, 3. Do not impede on the freedoms of others.

1. Did the guy commit harm to someone/children?
2. Did he cause loss (material, etc.) to someone?
3. Did he impede the freedoms (of movement, etc) to others?

I'd love to see people who made the illegal images in a televised court like the Depp trial. Epstein and the like.

 

[Phineas 808]

Indeed traumatizing to be exposed to materials like that. Hope you integrate it with ease and grace.

Reminds me also of people who work for social media platforms who look at reported content. Quite traumatizing stuff.

Indeed. I have nothing but the highest regard for the agent who executed the initial search warrant (she was awesome!), and her boss who heads up a unit that targets such crimes. They were amazing for what they have to do every day. The man who heads up the unit has 10 kids of his own..!

 

[Phineas 808]

@EarthWalker, as far as his case goes, his charge of which he was found guilty was the sexual exploitation of children under 18. He was not charged with producing this material, but nor was it accidentally downloaded onto his phone.

Apparently, one has to actively search this stuff out, find the disgusting groups that trade/make this stuff, build their trust, and then partake of their filth and victimization by demand. One has to actively seek it out and down load it on purpose. It then becomes a matter of guilt in becoming an exploiter of these young victims.

I'm having to process this in my journal, and the last thing I would want to do is retry this case here. The laws are clear, and I'm not here discussing God's laws, as that would be another matter altogether.

Again, God's laws undergird civil laws in spirit. It's not like God is going to be soft on the victimization of children.

 

[EarthWalker]

@EarthWalker, as far as his case goes, his charge of which he was found guilty was the sexual exploitation of children under 18. He was not charged with producing this material, but nor was it accidentally downloaded onto his phone.

Apologies. I misread your post and felt like the problem is just the illegal images. But the images are just added extra on top of the sexual exploitation. Very sad.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good morning, All.

I'm doing well, abstaining from P, PMO, and MO.

I'm not tracking the days too closely, though I have a general idea. I do track my latest episode in a journal, and periodically note how many days abstinent I'm currently at for awareness. So, it's not completely out of my mind- but it's also not something constantly on my mind. The above ought to be enough to indicate that recovery is important to me and actively pursued by me.

To post my days gives myself- as well as others- a false impression as to the true situation. Yes, it could be multiple days, a lengthy streak- but this may cause a pride or boastfulness in me (not to suggest by any means that others who do count their days are necessarily boasting); or if it's but a few days, that one is doing so lousy or is just 'starting off' on the reboot or recovery process. A 'lengthy streak'- while ideal, may mask a struggle with middle-circle behaviors. Or a 'short-streak' may discount the true efforts at recoverying surrounding the momentary lapse.

I find more dangerous than anything to my own recovery any kind of black-and-white thinking or an all-or-nothing approach. Thus not [closely] counting days is a way for me to truly practice living life without tethering myself to the past or the presumed existence of an addiction. It also accounts for a 'control-model' of recovery as opposed to an all-or-nothing approach.

That being said, I did have to dig deeper in order to purge my social media feeds from anything that could trip me up. The never ending tension between freedom versus being overly restrictive are always concerns. But I am mostly sticking to my new phone schedule and the once-a-week social media thing, unless I'm purposely posting. This continues to help me tremendously.

One night recently- in a mindless moment- after dinner with my family where my daughter was driving, I was 'shot-gun' and my wife sat in the back. Maybe the beer I had made me mindless? Maybe it was hubris? But I opened my phone, went to FB- saw a friend, a young lady who likes to be pretty- and I scrolled past, came back, and liked it- and my wife saw all this over my shoulder. She was hurt, felt disrespected and was angry. I assured her that it was a momentary reactive moment on my part, but she saw it as some kind of 'tip of the iceberg' type of sign.

Now, this could be true if I was still actively pursuing that double-life. But I am chipping away at all the 'beneath-the-surface' icebergs. Admittedly, that little protruding above the surface thing could be a sign of something deeper, but I'm working to dismantle all of that, so there's no secret. But I had to tell her the next day (as she was prying), "I will not hang myself based on a mindless moment."

 

[Blondie]

Nice job Phineas.

I find more dangerous than anything to my own recovery any kind of black-and-white thinking or an all-or-nothing approach.

I like this and probably should write a whole post on it sometime - just as a reminder for myself as much as anyone else.

Black-and-white thinking is a constant battle in my life, and especially in regards to getting over porn.

Keep staying strong Sir.

And thanks for all your encouragement!

 

[Phineas 808]

@Blondie > Definitely, brother! You may find the concept of AVE, or the Abstinence Violation Effect of use. Here's a link to check it out.

 

[Blondie]

Cheers! I'll check that out.

 

[Phineas 808]

Cheers! I'll check that out.

Also, I look forward to your post on black-and-white thinking that you're proposing to write. Just tag me in it, just in case I miss it...

 

[Phineas 808]

Still learning. Becoming more self-aware, but not fast enough?

Was in a down mood yesterday. I muted this, blunted its effects (or did I?), so as to not let it bring down my entire day. But I did think later, "This is the kind of mood I get in before I act out, or what seems to precede an episode, or a series of decisions that lead me to violating my red-line behaviors.

And so it was, a series of things that could've got me in trouble- but I stopped what was going on, and went to sleep.

Listened to a podcast this morning that was really helpful...

According to Tony Robbins, there's a traid of things to consider if we're not feeling good, or to change how we're feeling in the moment:

1. Physiology;

2. Focus;

3. Self-talk / Meaning.

We can think of these as pillars. And I know to change my mood as early as I can, lest I get stuck there. But I think lately I've entertained negative emotions, and my focus has been off. My self-talk has been negative, and I've assigned incorrect or wrong meaning to various things in my life when I could just as well assign positive and helpful meanings....

This is all a matter of having proper coping methods, so important to not going backward, not staying stuck in unhelpful and/or harmful behaviors. If our bad habits or addictions have been maladaptive coping methods, we had better figure out how to properly cope with stuff- or to at least sit with our emotions without reacting to them- for or against. Mindfulness.

 

[Blondie]

This is so true. Thank you Phineas! It's like I need a constant reminder of these things.

Nice job on realizing it and pulling through to the other side.

Another brick higher in your rampart of defense

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, Blondie! It's in keeping with making recovery a priority in my life. I mean, if things are good- things are good. But the vigilance of noticing a downward trajectory emtotionally, and knowing where that could lead if left to mindlessness or happenstance. I think a good maxim to coin is:

Recovery is on purpose, and relapse is in purposelessness.

This seems so true. When I'm full of purpose and pushing toward my goals, I'm aiming true and I have fantastic energy to do it. But if I let the wind go out of my sails, especially on some emotional level- or my focus is off, and I'm just being negative, then it won't be long before I'm reaching for those maladaptive behaviors to self-medicate.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, my name is Phineas- and I am NOT an addict. I am free from P, PMO and MO.

Focus is all important. There is an example from the gospels (see Mt 14:22-33), we all know that Christ walked on the water. But, Peter also walked on the water to go to Jesus, "If it's really you (and not a phantasm), bid be to come to you out on the water..." And Peter, as his eyes were fixed on Jesus, did the impossible, and walked on the water. But as soon as he looked around, saw the tumultuous waves, felt the strong wind, he faltered and began to sink- until he cried out, "Lord, save me!"

The point is that what we focus on either keeps us 'going under', or it supports us, and enables us to do the seeming impossible. If we focus on what's true- not on what we think is true based on circumstances (the wind and the waves)- like, "Well, I've always fallen in this area!" We will continue to sink. How do we rise above? How do we do the seemingly impossible, the miraculous? Can we be objective? Can we afix our attention to who we were meant to be in the grand scheme, or are we too focused on our problems?

If we're always falling, change focus. If we're repeating unwanted patterns of behavior, change focus. Even if we've slipped a little, it needn't become a full on lapse or relapse- change focus.

This is true of me, even recently. Certain behavioral patterns surface, especially when driven by emotional cues. And it used to be that the whole mechanism of acting out would be set in motion, even if it took days, until I'd finally cross my red-line behaviors. I used to even look forward to lapsing so that I could again refocus, and retool- if need be. But now I'm like, 'How do I prevent this from becoming my [seemingly] inevitable lapse? How can I disrupt this? In the moment I could disrupt, distract- but I'd be back, if not tomorrow, the day after. What could I do to pull back from this?

Change focus, even in the moment. Give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up over a little mistake. Yes, if resolve is needed, find it. If a tweek in your plan is needed, make it. But don't shame yourself for something that needn't drag you down. Every day is a new day to be a new you, not only so, but every moment seize the 'truest you' even if it seems outside of you- out on the water.

 

[Phineas 808]

I posted the above earlier, and focus has been a needful issue, and remembering this has recently helped me- even as I struggled a little. But I don't feel that I was able to access a deeper part of myself. If I fail to utilize my journal more honestly, more deeply, than what is it all for?

It's true that I don't count my days in terms of keeping track on a daily basis, that's true. But I still very much tally up the days on a weekly basis, at this point. After a certain number of days, this assessment may be even further out, perhaps in 'just checking in' with myself once in a while.

However, I finally listed out my streaks for the year so far, in a list that begins with November 6, 2020, and there's something worth noting. So far this year I've not had a remarkable streak that comes close to the 139 days without P, PMO, or MO or the 157 days (-2x MO) of 2021.

I've so far hit 64 days twice, oddly, albeit the first had 2x MO episodes in it (1/12 and 1/16). The 2nd was 'very clean' and was the direct result of my new social media and phone usage scheduling and/or habits.

I write this now so as to challenge myself to dig deeper, and go further. I'm currently in a 'good streak' and will celebrate when I've surpassed my streaks of last year.

 

[Blondie]

And it used to be that the whole mechanism of acting out would be set in motion, even if it took days, until I'd finally cross my red-line behaviors. I used to even look forward to lapsing so that I could again refocus, and retool- if need be

Phineas this is very true for me and is a pattern that I have noticed and I'm working on currently. Many times during this streak I have noticed when I'm starting to head down that all too familiar road, and I know if I get far enough I'll just want to go on and get "through it" so as to feel "God's grace" on the other side, or more likely these days, just "The high of getting back on track again" afterwards. I've often asked myself this question when it happens, "What the hell is going on? Why can't I, RIGHT NOW, experience God's grace or whatever without screwing up? That thought pattern or habit is ingrained in my head (I remember this pattern even in my early 20s) and these days I've had to just push on through to the other side to get past it; however, it still throws me off when it happens because it makes no logical or rational sense. Why would I purposely fuck up and hurry through my fuck up, just to feel "Good" on the other side? It makes no sense. It's like a post dopamine hit and porn is just the warm up!

I have often had these thoughts after a relapse, "Yeah, now I feel good! Sure I looked at porn again, but NOW I'm back on track!"

Damn our minds are crazy as hell!

Best brother

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you for your comments, Blondie! It is the darndest thing! And for me, it's not always an immediate return to 'sobriety'- though I'll make a go at it, but it may be just a number of days before another lapse occurs before- what? Until I feel low enough that I can now regain my footing, and come out with a longer streak?

It is an interesting study, and I'm sure others will come to different conclusions for themselves, but to write out one's lapse patterns, or streaks over a period of time... Mine goes back to at least November of 2020 (when I rejoined RN), though I could take it back to June of that year when I started tracking again.

When I go back and forth on counting days (typically after a lapse ), I'll be tempted to delete all of that. But I'm glad I didn't because it gives me perspective, both to encourage and to focus more intently on my goals.

But that now is the question: how to disrupt what appears to be a long protracted back-and-forth (especially before red-line behaviors are crossed) without having to 'resolve' it by actually acting out?

 

[EarthWalker]

But that now is the question: how to disrupt what appears to be a long protracted back-and-forth (especially before red-line behaviors are crossed) without having to 'resolve' it by actually acting out?

I am starting to come to the conclusion that redirection is the best and only solution. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. The urges are super annoying but they cannot be disrupted or actively suppressed or cleaned as this gives just more energy to them and increases resistance. This is the trick I'd say. Getting comfortable with the nag until redirected enough of times.

Just today went for a coffee with a friend. As luck would have it. Next table were 2 very attractive lesbians. They even made out. Nice. The addiction put the 2 very attractive lesbians in some P fantasy for me to enjoy. Thanks but...no thanks.

Can I purge this out of my brain? Not really. If I try to suppress this it will just increase resistance. It will just increase the power. What I can do is acknowledge, label it as coming from my addiction, not me but my addiction, assign value to this and redirect my attention (to the spiritual heart). I am starting to realize this might be the best way to go about. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. But it is super annoying. Like an itch you cannot scratch. Super annoying, but the alternative is worse. (Re)lapse.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, EW! You pose three very important concepts above, brother:

1. The addiction (as crafting tailor-made fantasies to act out on);

2. The spiritual heart; and-

3. Redirection (rinse and repeat).

'The addiction' and the voice with which it speaks (the AV, or Addictive Voice) is nothing but the lower animal-brain suggesting or demanding that we act out on the urges as if it were a matter of life or death (it isn't).

The spiritual heart is where our 'true self' is, our spiritual hunger/appetites, our connection with God, Self or Truth; and our prefrontal cortex, which is more aligned toward our heart (in accordance to Reason), has our best interests in mind. This lower/higher brain dichotomy creates the ambivalence we often feel toward porn or acting out.

The redirection is the 'trick'- to (gently) redirect our attention (focus) toward our higher goals, our truer self, our center of love and wisdom, our center- and away from the baser animalistic, survivalistic cravings. The repetition is key to making such changes stick, making them become better habits.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Perhaps also re-directing energy......

 

[Phineas 808]

Perhaps also re-directing energy......

For sure! Freeing up our sexual energy, instead of wasting it, we're able to rightly apply it toward creative initiatives and productivity. Further, it's redirected to discover and express true masculinity.