Phineas this is very true for me and is a pattern that I have noticed and I'm working on currently. Many times during this streak I have noticed when I'm starting to head down that all too familiar road, and I know if I get far enough I'll just want to go on and get "through it" so as to feel "God's grace" on the other side, or more likely these days, just "The high of getting back on track again" afterwards. I've often asked myself this question when it happens, "What the hell is going on? Why can't I, RIGHT NOW, experience God's grace or whatever without screwing up? That thought pattern or habit is ingrained in my head (I remember this pattern even in my early 20s) and these days I've had to just push on through to the other side to get past it; however, it still throws me off when it happens because it makes no logical or rational sense. Why would I purposely fuck up and hurry through my fuck up, just to feel "Good" on the other side? It makes no sense. It's like a post dopamine hit and porn is just the warm up!And it used to be that the whole mechanism of acting out would be set in motion, even if it took days, until I'd finally cross my red-line behaviors. I used to even look forward to lapsing so that I could again refocus, and retool- if need be
I have often had these thoughts after a relapse, "Yeah, now I feel good! Sure I looked at porn again, but NOW I'm back on track!"
Damn our minds are crazy as hell!