Enjoying a cloudy, breezy and rainy morning here where I'm at.
Core Question #5. Are you projecting your future self?
I am, though depending on the issue or what I'm aiming for, there's a different degree of, what should I call it, resistance? Maybe there's an element of unbelief? Do I believe that I deserve a better life? Do I believe that I deserve all toward what I'm aiming, hoping and working for? Is there a degree of self-sabotage taking place?
This may be a weird example, but something as simple as throwing a pair of balled up socks into the hamper I've noticed over the years that a part of me sabotages such an easy shot, almost like I don't let myself
make it... When I however take a deep breath, clear my mind, perhaps see myself making the shot, I make it. This is a microcosm of perhaps my overall life, lol... throwing dirty socks into a hamper, lol... Seriously, though, what is it that would take out my own kneecap before I succeed or make it in life?
My practice is to use visualization before bed to either see myself succeeding toward my ultimate goals of being a minister, or my proximate goals of succeeding in my more immediate business ventures. Trouble is, I soon fall asleep... (so if you're looking for ways to fall asleep fast...
). This kind of practice works best if you can put intention behind it. This kind of practice preceded obtaining what was to be a 22 year carreer, so... Recently, I'm seeing results along the business lines...
Again, projecting myself into or as
the person who does not use porn or masturbates, I'm doing well. This I truly feel is the 'ticket' for me now. To no longer see myself as struggling, as trying, as quitting- or attempting to quit, to no longer see myself as hoplessly uncured, 'still battling this after all these years', etc..., but to see myself as free, as quit, as recovered, not just in terms of visualization, but in equipoise, or attitude of heart, as belief. And I truly feel it, truly believe it. This must be, even if- God forbid- there were a lapse... Nonetheless, to believe it as true of me now, and if the brain needs to catch up, so be it.
Special Question #24. How are childhood and teenage traumas being healed through mindfulness?
This was quite uncanny to randomly get this question this morning. Now these are questions I've created, so that's why they may point back to specific things...
Just last night I suggested a show to my wife we could watch together. Based on previews, it looked like good acting, good drama, a good story line, and good cinematography. Mind you, there was nothing pornographic, no nudity was portrayed, nothing along those lines- visually. But there were elements in the show, and where the story was going (unlike anything in the previews of course) which had strong reminders for me of a teenage trauma that I endured as a runaway.
Earlier that day I was joking with my family about someone being 'triggered' or a 'trigger-word'- not that I don't take those seriously of course, and I understand their role in addiction- but last night I can say that I was triggered, something that was beyond being cued
, which is more toward getting us to act on our habit. I had a physiological response, not sexual, but shortness of breath and a heigthened sense of anxiety- which I don't normally feel. Of course we quit watching the show...
To answer my question, I'm wondering if perhapse I should've watched it? I would have to do it alone, get a glass of water, watch it (again, no scenes of nudity), and just breathe through it as a kind of exposure therapy? The moment has passed, so probably won't watch it. But that episode brings to surface this need to heal that past trauma, which became a major driver of my own addiction back in the day. To think, that something which occurred over 40 years ago can still affect me now is incredible.
I am a man who's still healing, still broken, but no longer a child, no longer a teenager, no longer a victim.
I am whole, healed, complete, loved, strong, undergirded by an everlasting mercy, given infinite grace, chosen and redeemed.
I am enjoying the fresh air of freedom, breathing the wide and limitless expanse, no longer confined by a set of behaviors or mentalities.
I'm free! I celebrate my freedom. I count each moment as precious, not taking for granted that this thing is no longer always on my mind.
I will fight to preserve this, I will do whatever is necessary to put my health and wellness first and foremost. If a thing hinders my wholeness and new found freedom, I drop it, I stand on a warfooting toward that thing, whatever it may be.
I am compassionate toward myself. I am recovered, and my brain just has to catch up.