How Shall We Escape?

[Phineas 808]

In answer to what was yesterday the perfect storm:

* Actively refuse adds on IG and FB, selecting 'Not Interested', if they're of an allurring and suggestive nature.

* Continue to proactively alter IG algorithms to steer away from the provacative in the suggestion area.

* Expect that, as I continue to say No to self-soothing behaviors and exhibit self-control, the opposite sex will be more attracted to me. This will include younger and older women. I need to know how to accept that, yes as flattering, but to also keep focused. I cannot afford to take this as any kind of affirmation or validation of my person or masculinity.

* With the earliest sign of edging or self-soothing, nonjudgmentally speak outloud words that snap you out of whatever fantasy and/or rationalizations. Get up, go to office, and pray it through.

* If you take the iPhone into the restroom in the middle of the night with that intent, as you sit there, type in searches that divert away from p-subs, or even searches that equal recovery or spirituality. Again, take it into prayer, and work it out spiritually.

* If undergoing strong urges, wake up the wife, and work it out with her sexually.

* Overall, relax but sharpen your focus, while being mindful.

Still on point: no reset, and no judgement. 

 

[Phineas 808]

Day 72!

This is 9/15 or 3/5 toward my overall goal of 120 days.

This is also 2 months, 11 days or 10 weeks, 2 days into this recovery effort.

Today I hit my goal of 72 days without P, PMO, MO, and with 1 episode of P-Subs and edging.

How do I feel?

I'm grateful that my processes are working. Changing outward habits, whether directly or indirectly related, have been of immense help. But in this regard, there may be yet some holdout behaviors that need addressing if I am to secure longer term behavior change, and freedom from P/MO.

An example of my processes working, earlier this week I was innocently scrolling through IG, which I do breiefly as I get ready for bed (then I'll check other things, like Youtube), I encountered a suggested picture/profile of a knockout lady. The picture (no surprise) was tailor made for my tastes... I set the phone down, was aware of my physiological responses to the cue, checked my pulse, was aware of my shallow breathing, then I breathed slowly and deeply for like 5 times, until I felt calmed down. To take away the power of that image, I visited her profile, intentionally and as briefly as possible. Otherwise, it would hold a certain power and mystique which could later become an obsession. One has to know themselves, as this isn't always the right response. This worked. And oddly- but not surprisingly- her IG account wasn't even all about that, it was just the picture the algorithm 'chose' for me... It was a non-issue after that.

Deeper Concerns or Issues?

The constant reminder that this forum can't be relied on presently to find support or maybe even emergency help in a time of reboot crisis. This isn't a slam on the RN itself, but just how it is now in this particular age bracket, like minimal participation...? Like, many rebooters I was hoping to help, and to assist me, are no longer here...?

Again, I myself am not on as often as I was before. I'm training myself to hold this place loosley. That said, I'm not (Lord willing) leaving the forum, nor deleting my journal, as I did back in 2016.

I'm so grateful for Reboot Nation, but I have to remember that I joined on here primarily to help myself, to give me that little extra edge in my goals. I'm not going to direct what I say in my own journal with any foolish expectation that anyone will even necessarily read it, much less benefit from it- but if that happens, all the better! But my posting here must be, can only be to work out my thoughts and issues as needed.

I'm also thinking about what my mindset and approach will be after 120 days? I know I'll stop counting days, but I do find myself now, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, waiting for the next 8 days... it's kind of strange.

Based on my philosophical approach toward addictions in general, and with hopes for my own actual recovery, I know I don't want to keep counting days. I'll keep doing what I do now, but without being mindful as much as to when my next mini-goal is to be reached. I'll just be mindful of it when I hit a certain symbolic time, like an anniversary, etc...

On that note, what of the possibility of a lapse? I know that to plan for such a thing counters the whole porn is not an option mindset we want to have. I do know myself, too. If necessary, I would simply restart my 120 day goal. If a lapse occurred after all my current goals have been met, I would deal with it non-judgmentally, and bounce back as soon as possible. Deal with any other behaviors that led up to it, etc... and just go on. But, if it became more habituated, old neural pathways resensitized, I'll simply perform my 120 day goal again.

But I do know that the longevity factor, the consistently changing and altering these habits have lasting effects for the better! An example, there were dangerous sexual behaviors, cruising for prostitutes and going to actual porno bookstores (6x), that I no longer engage in (since 1994, and 2003 respectively). That's habit change! Those things no longer even hold an interest or temptation for me- thank God. P/MO, and using one's iPhone to wank off to pixelized women will be the same for me, going to the trash-heap of history.

Speaking of history, I'm grateful that thus far, P, PMO, and MO have not been engaged in since November 6, 2020. I've thus far left all that as last year's news.

 

[Orbiter]

Hi Phineas,

I suppose it's good for all of us to remember (myself especially) that even in times of difficulty and perhaps frustration with the journey of recovery, there is often evidence such as you said of growth and habits that have been controlled & left behind. The cruising is a fantastic example and evidence that, if we can beat a habit like that, we can beat P use for good if we keep working on it.

Re the counting days - while it has an importance in appreciating certain milestones, I often feel like it can skew our perception of recovery and this process in a way that is not always helpful. While we will reach certain milestones that are to be celebrated, what should be celebrated is the real growth we experience during this. Sometimes focusing too much on days can make us forget of the real journey and forget to appreciate the real achievements along the way. Whether you are or aren't focusing on days too much is of course only something you would be able to answer, but it's probably important to keep in mind all the same.

Re the inconsistency in forum support. I can both relate to having difficulty with this and being equally responsible for dropping the ball in supporting others here as much as I should. People, particularly at a certain stage in their lives, do have other issues & commitments that get in the way. Sometimes when we are going through difficult periods of our own recovery, we don't feel like our advice or support would be of any value to others because we're doing so bad, i've felt this quite a lot over recent months. I guess because of all this, we need to make sure we do not become too reliant on a single pillar of support. Even if they are not aware of the exact problem, there is positivity & support to be found in many areas of our lives, not just here.

With all that said, congratulations on your milestones & progress. It is encouraging to read of the many positives it is bringing you as well as your continued mastery of urges & neurological junk.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi Orbiter, good to see you!

Re the counting days - while it has an importance in appreciating certain milestones, I often feel like it can skew our perception of recovery and this process in a way that is not always helpful. While we will reach certain milestones that are to be celebrated, what should be celebrated is the real growth we experience during this. Sometimes focusing too much on days can make us forget of the real journey and forget to appreciate the real achievements along the way. Whether you are or aren't focusing on days too much is of course only something you would be able to answer, but it's probably important to keep in mind all the same.

You're absolutely right! I've struggled with the concept years back. For me, in utilizing my hard journal, I found that I seem to do better when I'm counting days. At least I can realistically track my progress for when I've violated my lines in the sand, which would constitute for me an actual lapse, a need for a reset.

Resetting my number or date gives me a chance to start fresh, with a resharpened edge, a new determination.

I also know that having to reset one's days to 0 can have adverse effects given what is called the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE). This has created for me an ambivalence toward counting days.

My conclusion on counting days is that it's worth it for me to string days together whilst addressing the actual habit, and changing it. If I lapse, reset, than I can compare my streaks together, how often am I lapsing (is it more a relapse?), are my streaks getting lengthier? Having a certain goal in mind, can I hit it? In the process, can I affect the overall habits which have surrounded and fed the main targeted habit? By affecting is meant, replacing good habits, or at least other habits for the bad (this needn't be forced, but reinforced through consistency). Then, when the main goal is reached, I purpose to not track days, only to celebrate milestones. I don't need a 50 year blue-chip . I don't believe 'once an addict always an addict'- if I no longer drink (as an example), why would I call myself an alcoholic?

Re the inconsistency in forum support. I can both relate to having difficulty with this and being equally responsible for dropping the ball in supporting others here as much as I should. People, particularly at a certain stage in their lives, do have other issues & commitments that get in the way. Sometimes when we are going through difficult periods of our own recovery, we don't feel like our advice or support would be of any value to others because we're doing so bad, i've felt this quite a lot over recent months. I guess because of all this, we need to make sure we do not become too reliant on a single pillar of support. Even if they are not aware of the exact problem, there is positivity & support to be found in many areas of our lives, not just here.

Yeah, I get we're all busy and should be busy with other things.

I also understand what you say, and it's a good point, that if one is lapsing, or being inconsistent (compromising) with their recovery efforts, they will not feel helpful toward others. They may even feel hypocritical. I think this is why many of late have quit posting as often in their (or others) journal. This is unfortunate, because how serious are they about quitting, for starters? Second, if you're all in, lapses be damned, then it only benefits you (as well as the other) if you reach out and offer support or help. These habits are so selfish, narcissistic, that to support others has a kind of kryptonite effect against one's own self-focus.

For me, too, after I've been of some help to someone, and I'm faced with urges, it reminds me that there is a bigger picture out there. It pushes me toward being the kind of person that is more beneficial to society, and not that guy tucked away in a basement selfishly indulging in porn, robbing others of the otherwise helpful person I could be.

With all that said, congratulations on your milestones & progress. It is encouraging to read of the many positives it is bringing you as well as your continued mastery of urges & neurological junk.

Thank you, Orbiter! It is truly gratifying if good can come out of my years of struggling, and others can benefit from my own progress.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Congratulations on your habit changes, Phineas. You must have been to some dark places in those days, thankfully many years in your past. For me, my P and S recovery has been entwined, and it's been a war of attrition, with those victories I've had typically marginal, rather than transformational. So I appreciate and respect the victories you've already won in putting those behaviours behind you. And the same processes and thought patterns are hopefully enabling a recovery from your P addiction too.... increment by increment. We're all uniquely amazing and flawed, and each recovery is unique. But you're making great progress. Wishing you every success and strength.

 

[Aussie_85]

Hey mate,

Sorry to hear of your struggles - quite a life story to say the least.

I can somewhat relate, although you sadly had it much worse. I was homeless periodically 3 times, never sleeping on the streets though thankfully, couch surfing at friends places - strict parents thinking kicking a helpless child out will teach them a lesson type deal. Extremely damaging those thoughts of "no one cares" I'm alone" etc as a child, again your experience way worse than mine. Being a new father myself i can never imagine kicking out mine, no matter what she did. I've forgiven my parents now though and have a good relationship with them. I think they tried there best and just didn't really know what they were doing, i know they feel guilty about it.

Sounds like you really have your shit together now so I'll check back on your journal regularly.

keep going strong.

 

[Phineas 808]

@ WIP ~

Yes, in a sense I see all my addictive behaviors as all related, perhaps with different components, or mini-addictions if you will. Changing those habits were certainly life-or-death for my marriage, and so perhaps were more an imminent threat. However, they were habits, and if I didn't change them, they would have dragged me down eventually. So, like yourself, my p and s addictions were/are entwined.

The term war of attrition got me thinking along those lines... and I can certainly relate to that experientially. Our warfare in relation to these behaviors is so important, how we conceptualize it. The Art of War, famous for its applicability in various spheres of life, comes to mind:

Taking a state whole is superior. Destroying it is inferior to this. - Art of War, ch.3.

A war of attrition, seeking to grind down the enemy, is also costly to ourselves. Taking whole is superior, if we can avoid bloodshed, destruction of the economy we wish to take over, etc... (opposite of what happened in Iraq). Applying this to our addiction, warring with myself was at first very destructive and costly, as I attacked 'parts of myself' that had simply developed (albeit maladaptive) to simply deal with underlying and legitimate needs. Major victories became more possible when I began to 'save the whole', and non-judgmentally treat these issues as simple habit-change. Though, I do have other weaponry and strategies as needed (as the environment of the battlefield warrants), such as being more harsh, not toward myself as such, but toward a not-me, a false-self, if you will.

Yes, increment by increment is a good description. Even the habits of P/MO are being changed now, I'm aware of other areas of needed focus that will support this, and an overall victory over these maladaptive behaviors. 

@ Aussie_85 ~

Couch surfing, right? I can relate to that term, as well as not having any options whatsoever. But, whatever doesn't kill us..., lol!

You're right as to the damaged messaging those early years ingrained in me, and the poor if not dangerous behaviors that developed from them. Children should be loved, should be protected, provided for. Our children are certainly an opportunity to 'right that wrong' in our own story, and raise them opposite. My daughter certainly has no clue (she recently turned 18) what my story was like, though I've told her here and there...

Grateful that you came by, and it would certainly be an honor if my story and strategies help in your own.

Blessings! 

 

[Leonidas]

To just comment on what you said about members no longer being available on the forum:

Just like many other places, RN is a revolving door of people bustling in and brimming with renewed hope and optimism, whilst it scoops out the older members who've had their fair share of time well spent here or those who grew weary and tired of it, anxious to tackle new life challenges.  I think I'm somewhere between those two ends, after about a year in, I find my motivation is pulling me in a different direction now.  Still every now and then, I like to see how I keep up with things and gently remind myself that this habit change is a work in progress, even if it is no longer the top priority.  Also love seeing how others come back with stories of their adventures (or misadventures!)  :

I can see how this can feel disheartening, especially when you've gotten to know a few of the folks a little better.  The way of the world, I suppose?  Happy and memorable times often appear to be all-too-fleeting in nature so I guess part of the process of bidding goodbye to relationships that are destined to end, is to try and recreate some more of those moments with other people.  It's never easy, but we've proven to ourselves time and again that it is possible.

Wishing you a dose of strength for the New Year!

 

[anubu0]

Hi Phineas,

I just wanted to give my thanks for all the great material you've posted on the forum. Best of luck in your recovery. 

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, Leonidas!

I appreciate everything you said about that, and I can see that. I myself quit the forum back in 2016, really wanting to move on, and not even identify myself with this thing- and so even deleted my journal (oops!). I'm simply musing about the dynamics of it all, and it may be partly motivated by a social media addiction, the expectations that have we've all been conditioned for thanks to big-tech.

Again, the forum exists for this very reason, to encourage each other. If I can stay on, even after reaching my goals, to help others, I plan to do so. If others do or not do in my own journal, I'm not so concerned anymore (though I appreciate all who come by anyway). I am looking forward to what approach I will have when my goals are reached in early March. I am training myself to not be habituated to this place, but at the same time, not write it off, and be helpful to the men (and women) still struggling.

Life goes on, and I plan to do the same. At the same time, I wish to stay around in some capacity, check in every so often and see how everyone is doing- but, I'm not fully there yet either. I'm reminded of a certain user (no names!) who comes by like every so many years like, "I did it, it's been X-amount of years since I did [fill in the blank], and you poor saps are still struggling!" Not what he actually says, of course. But that's my feeling after reading his posts. I don't wish to be that guy!

P.S., I like your new avatar! 

 

[Phineas 808]

You're welcome, anubu0!

If others find the same freedom through the methods that have and are working for me, I'm all the happy to share!

Blessings.

 

[Chris Oz]

Keep doing what you're doing Phineas, we need more people like you in this forum.

 

[Orbiter]

In total agreement with everyone else here.

I for one am extremely grateful for the wisdom, patience & support you have provided in my own recovery. It is not unnoticed or unappreciated I assure you.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, Chris and Orbiter, for the kind words.

It is extremely rewarding and humbling to be of service as we walk out this victory.

 

[Aussie_85]

It's a very honourable thing to do, stick around well after recovery.

That's why people like Gabe deserve some kind of distinguished service to mankind medal.

Personally, and I hope this doesn't come across as selfish - I plan on writing a detailed success story - posting it here, on YBR, NoFap, Reddit and moving on from the nofap community, hopefully my story can help someone. And to be honest actual success stories, motivational ones are now kind of hard to come by. Not to take anything away from guys who post "yay made it to 30 days and now my dick works, peace out" with very little to no details in terms of outlining what they went through withdrawal wise, length and severity of addiction - lifestyle changes, mental and cognitive improvements. Stories that are short and sweet are the best like Gabes - "i was a loser, now i'm not - all i did was stick it out and work hard, these are the benefits, this is what i went through etc" And i also think it's important to give people the opportunity to read ones full life story so they can relate if they are in a similar situation. "this guy did it,so can i"

I feel for my recovery and my own peace of mind, to bury this addiction, recover from it - grieve it and move on with my life - forever remembering the pain and struggle so I never have to return.

You sound like a good guy Phineas  8)

 

[Phineas 808]

Agreed, Aussie_85!

Thank you for your words, and no- you don't sound selfish at all...

 

[stepbystep]

Agree with the others here: I appreciate all the encouragement and inspiration you?re providing in this forum. I?ve learned a lot from reading your journal about techniques and also benefited from your posts in my journal. Thanks for that!

 

[Phineas 808]

You're welcome, stepbystep!

It is an honor to be of assistance.

Blessings.

 

[Phineas 808]

Day 80!

This is 10/15 or 2/3 toward my overall goal of 120 days.

This is also 2 months, 19 days or 11 weeks, 3 days into this recovery effort.

Today I hit my goal of 80 days without P, PMO, MO, and without P-Subs or edging.

How do I feel?

I feel good, mentally and physically. There were a couple of nights during these past 8 days, including last night, where I lay awake in bed, and had urges to edge, masturbate, and even had thoughts of looking up a past porn video. I made sure to not react to these urges, meaning, I didn't do anything- move my hands toward myself, or try and fight the urges.

I had a sense that they'd pass easy enough, as I haven't been reacting in other ways (p-subs).

Some scam on Whatsapp, where someone reaches out, posts a racey picture of themselves, start some flirtatious chat, and then attempt to blackmail you for money. I did say, "Hi" out of curiosity (I know...), but when they sent their picture (which was blurred out), I did not open it or download it, but blocked them immediately. This was a win, though it may seem like cat-and-mouse, but there's a psychological reason for it, where I mindfully see what trap is being laid for me (if I may), and then not respond to it. It sounds dangerous, but it is a trick I use to not go into obsessing, which is full on reacting and acting on urges.

The couple of times (days apart) where I lay in bed with urges, these passed without incident. 

Deeper issues?

Something I am sensitive about, and so type cautiously is- as I mentioned in my story, that I had lost a job back in December of 2019, and the resulting loss of a good friend (female) was part of my resensitizing my old habits in March of 2020, along with the lockdowns, etc. We did (again) reconnect after Christmas of 2020, and have texted back and forth since then. But, being married, and this friendship has to be 'secret' and doesn't serve my overall life goals, I broke it off with them again this morning.

It is one of those 'doing the right thing', but it doesn't feel good, type of issues. So, this reinvites negative emotions, feelings of loss, and deprivation, and a "What the hell did I do that for??" type of emotions. Our friendship is strong enough, and this person is really great- and it sucks for them, too- but it needs to be done, like cutting out P/MO, for the salvation of my marriage, and my gifting and calling as a minister. Oddly, that, too, feels like quitting an addiction, oh well...

So, there's that.

Regardless, I'm on target toward my goals. I've already prepped myself that, emotional loss, continued lockdowns, or whatever government or society decides to do, or even if the whole thing implodes, that I am not going back to P, PMO, MO, edging or p-subs as coping methods again.

Now is the time to be free, and stay free. Now is high time to walk into my anointing and calling as a minister, and see God's will fulfilled in my life- insofar as He gives me grace.

 

[akpal2]

Quite an inspirational journal phineas and has deinitely motivated me. I also picked up some insights about not fighting the thoughts and urges. I also struggle when something comes in my mind and i try to fight it off, it comes back more forcefully.

I am going to try your method of looking at the thoughts dispassionately and see where it takes me, next time when urges and sexualized thoughts hit me. I had recovered once before too, but unfortunately relapsed after a year or two of recovery.