Quite an inspirational journal phineas and has deinitely motivated me. I also picked up some insights about not fighting the thoughts and urges. I also struggle when something comes in my mind and i try to fight it off, it comes back more forcefully.
I am going to try your method of looking at the thoughts dispassionately and see where it takes me, next time when urges and sexualized thoughts hit me. I had recovered once before too, but unfortunately relapsed after a year or two of recovery.
I set up a counter on my profile as well, makes me feel good to have a large number of days under my belt. Also I don't like resetting the counter, lol
Phineas 808 said:Thank you, Chris Oz, for your words of encouragement.
Yeah, I know..., this is like my 3rd attempt breaking it off with this person, lol...! I spent most of 2020 without interacting, but after a while I miss them- and we always can pick it back up.
It's kind of a strange situation, but it is the right thing to do because it has to be a secret, which is the telltale sign.
It's difficult too, because it's not like I have so many real friends to pick-and-choose from.
Be well.
I'm sure you are doing the right thing by both of you, and the vacancy/void/emptiness in your life this creates is now open to be filled with something new, rich & also rewarding. After all, every sunset is followed by a sunrise right?
Phineas 808 said:@ Chris Oz ~
I appreciate your thoughts, and where you're coming from. Please don't think of me less for what I'm about to say...
Back in the past, once of my own volition in 1994, when prostitutes were an obsession, wanting to relieve my own conscience, I confessed to my [new] wife, and while I did (selfishly?) get that relief, it devastated her.
A second time, when I made a stop off back in 2003 to a porno bookstore, to 'get one off' before going home (we left an event in separate cars), and she wondered why it took me so long to get home, I confessed to having visited porno bookstores. While I 'rescued myself' from a guilty conscience in the moment, I devastated her for a second time! This caused unprecedented devastation in our marriage.
I know that it's been my secretive double-life in the past that was the real injury to my marriage and my wife, but I've determined that for the sake of my marriage it's more important for me now to live the truth, even if I may not always divulge the truth.
Obviously, I don't want to live a lie, like I was doing in my double-life, or in my co-worker friendship, but nor do I feel in my situation that I should divulge everything, as that would do more harm than good. I've grown quite comfortable with this decision, necessary in my particular marital dynamics.
In fact, my wife isn't even aware of the resurgent battles with P/MO that I've had since last March. I've found in my own life that 'telling her' has only created false and superficial attempts to change, but in truth only drove me into deeper secrecy. Overcoming these things may not get me a pat on the back, but my wife won't have a husband who's living a lie behind her back.
I can totally relate Phineas. I haven't told my wife of my problems. I know telling her will devastate her and my marriage and my kids life will be ruined too. Better to believe that what she doesn't know won't hurt her, and in the meantime figure out a solution than to tell her and risk losing her forever. At least that is how I think.
Phineas 808 said:@ akpal2 ~
I can totally relate Phineas. I haven't told my wife of my problems. I know telling her will devastate her and my marriage and my kids life will be ruined too. Better to believe that what she doesn't know won't hurt her, and in the meantime figure out a solution than to tell her and risk losing her forever. At least that is how I think.
Exactly, brother! Thankfully, this isn't true for everyone- but unfortunately, it's true for some of us, that it's better to keep this fight to ourselves. Most women, I would say, are not equipped to handle the kind of mess we've worked ourselves into. For many, it would forever damage or even end their marriage.
It may seem like a perfect excuse to stay hidden and secretive, but you have to know what it is you want out of your lives, and who your wife is really married to. My wife says that she deserves or is worthy of the truth- but I know from past experience that she's not always worthy of my truth- but, she is worthy that I should live the truth, or be truthful in my actions, character and behavior when no one is looking. I think, in our cases, akapl2, that is more important.
I've also found it counterproductive in the past, when I've lapsed and told her- or she found out (very rare), she would lose it, be so angry, yelling, throwing stuff, etc... Mind you, the hurt is real, the pain is real, and all her feelings are valid- and we're the cause of them, but the impact of this is too much for me, and I fall into that dangerous place where we view ourselves as bad, evil, fundamentally flawed, and this only increases relapses in my case...
As men- and I know this will be old-fashioned to many here- as men, we got ourselves into this mess, we have to get ourselves out, without causing unnecessary pain on our wives, who are- as the Bible says- the 'weaker vessels'. If we (as men) can help each other out, great! If we can solicit the help of our wives in this area (as we no doubt do in other areas), all the better! Otherwise, we should shoulder it without devastating them with truths they can't handle.
Also, why didn't you use the mindfulness technique you taught me? It seems quite useful to me so far.