How Shall We Escape?
- Thread starter Phineas 808
- Start date
Chris Oz
Well-Known Member
Good going Phineas. I think practicing mindfulness in thinking about what you were thinking and being able not to react to it was great. And I think turning to your wife was an even greater response. It improves your connection with her and I bet it redirects the pathways of pleasure with sex from porn to your wife, which is fantabulous progress.
Keep at it man. 2 months + is a great achievement can't wait till I get there.
And I appreciate your encouragement on my Journal, it was really helpful.
Keep pushing man
Keep at it man. 2 months + is a great achievement can't wait till I get there.
And I appreciate your encouragement on my Journal, it was really helpful.
Keep pushing man
Thank you, Chris!
That's how I'm thinking about it, too. Turning to my wife is definitely a 'true rewiring'- away from the fantasy that is porn, and toward real human connection.
You will get here, brother! I have every faith that- if you did 1 week (or more), you can do 1 month, and if 1 month, you can do 1 year, and so on. You'll get to a point that you won't even have to count days anymore. That's my plan after my 120, is to only check progress once in a while, but to otherwise not think about it.
When my recovery was all over the board (before I rejoined RN), I made a list of the amount of days, from small to longest, and made that my incremental goals... that worked up to day 34, lol...! Now my strategy is a larger goal, but made up of smaller goals, that way I can celebrate the victories more often. Just an idea, if you wished to borrow, or improvise to suit your needs. If so, check out my page 1, my initial post, for ideas.
Blessings!
That's how I'm thinking about it, too. Turning to my wife is definitely a 'true rewiring'- away from the fantasy that is porn, and toward real human connection.
You will get here, brother! I have every faith that- if you did 1 week (or more), you can do 1 month, and if 1 month, you can do 1 year, and so on. You'll get to a point that you won't even have to count days anymore. That's my plan after my 120, is to only check progress once in a while, but to otherwise not think about it.
When my recovery was all over the board (before I rejoined RN), I made a list of the amount of days, from small to longest, and made that my incremental goals... that worked up to day 34, lol...! Now my strategy is a larger goal, but made up of smaller goals, that way I can celebrate the victories more often. Just an idea, if you wished to borrow, or improvise to suit your needs. If so, check out my page 1, my initial post, for ideas.
Blessings!
You're welcome, Chris!
Yes, good luck and blessings on however you make that translate into your own goals- I'm standing with you!
Yes, good luck and blessings on however you make that translate into your own goals- I'm standing with you!
Hey Phineas!
Just wanted to drop in and tell you congrats on getting passed 88 days /12 weeks! 8)
Also, it is great to hear improvement on anxiety and using porn fantasy... really, really awesome!
You're doing great in your journey and seeing you help others in theirs is inspiring. Keep truckin' and much love.
Just wanted to drop in and tell you congrats on getting passed 88 days /12 weeks! 8)
Also, it is great to hear improvement on anxiety and using porn fantasy... really, really awesome!
You're doing great in your journey and seeing you help others in theirs is inspiring. Keep truckin' and much love.
Thank you, Gabe!
I'm grateful for this forum, and all the hard work and effort you've put into this site!
I am, as always, greatly encouraged and inspired by you coming around to my lonesome journal.
Looking forward to hitting my main goal in early March, but seeing all this as training for the rest of my life.
Love and gratitude!
I'm grateful for this forum, and all the hard work and effort you've put into this site!
I am, as always, greatly encouraged and inspired by you coming around to my lonesome journal.
Looking forward to hitting my main goal in early March, but seeing all this as training for the rest of my life.
Love and gratitude!
Thank you, akpal2!
Definitely! It is doable, it can and must be done!
If one looked at my story from the outside, they could easily surmise that I wasn't "...as bad as others on here"- but my addiction was definitely real, and has lasted for literally decades. Perhaps my faith kept me from jumping headlong into it, but it was always something there, gnawing at my soul, always eating away at whatever resolve or self-control I had, and sought to always destroy me.
The addiction's idea of paradise for me was for me to be left alone in a motel room, or find some abandoned shack out in the middle of nowhere, with tons of pornographic material and the endless freedom/privacy to act out on it! :-\ Can anyone think of a lower and more pathetic place to end up? Divorced- with both wife and daughter hating me, living in a motel room by yourself, giving yourself over to all one's carnal desires? That was, sadly, my vision of the future at its extreme.
It would almost seem insignificant the amount of time, though I know it's definitely an accomplishment for me, if I don't take advantage of it to fully and completely break away and escape.
We can do this- for ourselves, and for our loved ones.
Definitely! It is doable, it can and must be done!
If one looked at my story from the outside, they could easily surmise that I wasn't "...as bad as others on here"- but my addiction was definitely real, and has lasted for literally decades. Perhaps my faith kept me from jumping headlong into it, but it was always something there, gnawing at my soul, always eating away at whatever resolve or self-control I had, and sought to always destroy me.
The addiction's idea of paradise for me was for me to be left alone in a motel room, or find some abandoned shack out in the middle of nowhere, with tons of pornographic material and the endless freedom/privacy to act out on it! :-\ Can anyone think of a lower and more pathetic place to end up? Divorced- with both wife and daughter hating me, living in a motel room by yourself, giving yourself over to all one's carnal desires? That was, sadly, my vision of the future at its extreme.
It would almost seem insignificant the amount of time, though I know it's definitely an accomplishment for me, if I don't take advantage of it to fully and completely break away and escape.
We can do this- for ourselves, and for our loved ones.
Leonidas
Active Member
I believe I may have harbored a similar vision as the one you describe. All variations aside, there is a common theme or pattern going on: the idea of escaping and using these devices as coping mechanisms. I used to think differently about this back then, mostly with self-loathing and self-pity. I can see it now from the perspective of a bird resting on a hilltop looking down: the sadness, loneliness and suffering I must have been feeling that made me do what I did. It's different from self-pity, more like a realization that there was pain and that the acts where ways for me to try to alleviate that.Phineas 808 said:
Still from time to time, a "carnal picture" will pop inside my head and sometimes I will let it run for a while (against my better judgment)... but there is now an understanding that it is just a random thought that isn't rooted in reality and by no means should I be taking steps to bring it into reality!! I tell myself that it is just a thought that nags for my attention like every other thought... and that I only need to calmly decide what thoughts can stay and which can be let go of. Doesn't that sound like I'm describing a new patent on a water pipe filter or something!?
@ akpal2 ~
I hear you, brother. Sorry to hear of your recent struggle with that. Don't be too hard on yourself, this is a mother to try to beat, but at the same time, within our grasp.
I kind of think of it like, each time I respond to an urge, I only further the habit. This isn't a failure, though, but part of your learning process. And each time I successfully dismiss an urge, ignoring it mindfully, I weaken and lessen the habit. It's one thing I think of that helps me in the moment.
@ Marco60 ~
Thank you, Marco! Yes, and I find that this motivation is something I have to be careful- even this far in- to keep up, or to sharpen. One moment of mindlessly scrolling around the internet and 'whoops!' There's a strong cue presented to you, and along with it possible urges, and now it's time to be mindful about what you're doing, and that you don't want to fall.
This 120 days, as I'm seeing it this time, is not the end-all, but rather a period of training to simply live my life, having changed my habits. Definitely well beyond the 120, I can see that I'll still need to be vigilant, and not take anything for granted.
@ Leonidas ~
I bet there were variations of your version (maybe you saw yourself in a palace surrounded by p-material ). My version points to poverty, which lends to my past, but it's also a metaphorical impoverishment of soul. To your point, it speaks of all the pain, the emotional deprivation in my own life, and seeing porn as if it were a savior, as if it were the only thing that cared for me. I know this to be quite the opposite now, and a complete lie!
That's a good thought process to have, seeing the fantasies, or memories of porn that come to mind time-to-time as unreal, and a puff of smoke with no real substance. The momentary pleasure always promises to satisfy, but never really does, and we're left hurting worse than before!
Thank you guys for coming by!
I hear you, brother. Sorry to hear of your recent struggle with that. Don't be too hard on yourself, this is a mother to try to beat, but at the same time, within our grasp.
I kind of think of it like, each time I respond to an urge, I only further the habit. This isn't a failure, though, but part of your learning process. And each time I successfully dismiss an urge, ignoring it mindfully, I weaken and lessen the habit. It's one thing I think of that helps me in the moment.
@ Marco60 ~
Thank you, Marco! Yes, and I find that this motivation is something I have to be careful- even this far in- to keep up, or to sharpen. One moment of mindlessly scrolling around the internet and 'whoops!' There's a strong cue presented to you, and along with it possible urges, and now it's time to be mindful about what you're doing, and that you don't want to fall.
This 120 days, as I'm seeing it this time, is not the end-all, but rather a period of training to simply live my life, having changed my habits. Definitely well beyond the 120, I can see that I'll still need to be vigilant, and not take anything for granted.
@ Leonidas ~
I bet there were variations of your version (maybe you saw yourself in a palace surrounded by p-material
). My version points to poverty, which lends to my past, but it's also a metaphorical impoverishment of soul. To your point, it speaks of all the pain, the emotional deprivation in my own life, and seeing porn as if it were a savior, as if it were the only thing that cared for me. I know this to be quite the opposite now, and a complete lie!That's a good thought process to have, seeing the fantasies, or memories of porn that come to mind time-to-time as unreal, and a puff of smoke with no real substance. The momentary pleasure always promises to satisfy, but never really does, and we're left hurting worse than before!
Thank you guys for coming by!
berrylewis29
Member
Phin, you've commented on my journal a few times, and I regret I've not commented on yours...though I've read it! I feel like our journeys are somewhat similar, and I'm thankful that I am rebooting at the same time as you. It was been so helpful hearing from you and resonating so much with your thoughts. I'm hopeful in your success and trust that you'll make it! I certainly feel like I'll make it!
Keep posting and encouraging others, friend.
Keep posting and encouraging others, friend.
Hey berrylewis!
I think your comment above constitutes as you commenting on my journal, so- thank you!
It is helpful (and even ordained) that our journeys resonate, as we can 'sharpen' each other in our efforts.
You and I will certainly make it, and be successful! We have to, what other choice do we have? It is scary to imagine ourselves, trying to live our 'surface life' with this ugliness hanging onto us in the background! It's like an erosion of the soul and spirit, and no telling the invisible damage done to our loved ones, too!
We will train for a new life without these habits, and will look back years from now (Lord willing) and rejoice in our new found freedom, and all the benefits that came with it!
I think your comment above constitutes as you commenting on my journal, so- thank you!
It is helpful (and even ordained) that our journeys resonate, as we can 'sharpen' each other in our efforts.
You and I will certainly make it, and be successful! We have to, what other choice do we have? It is scary to imagine ourselves, trying to live our 'surface life' with this ugliness hanging onto us in the background! It's like an erosion of the soul and spirit, and no telling the invisible damage done to our loved ones, too!
We will train for a new life without these habits, and will look back years from now (Lord willing) and rejoice in our new found freedom, and all the benefits that came with it!
Day 96!
This is 12/15 or 4/5 toward my overall goal of 120 days.
This is also 3 months and 4 days or 13 weeks and 5 days into this recovery effort.
Today I hit my goal of 96 days without P, PMO, MO, and without P-Subs or edging.
This also enters my final phase of 4 color-coded phases which divide these 15 sets of 8 days. Thus, I have only 3 more mini-goals to hit before reaching my 120 days! This is only 24 days away!
How do I feel?
As they say, 'Life goes on'. But, that's a good thing, because I'm no longer trying to hide from life in escapist habits and fantasy. I feel life, its pain, its loneliness, its stress, as well as its joy, and happiness.
I feel clean, I feel the hope for a new life. I'm in training to go on without P, PMO, or MO in my life. It's true, and I'm more keen to this now than in past efforts, that, even after a long streak, I can let my guard down, get complacent, mindless, and fall into old habits of p-subs or edging, which typically (if not eventually) lead back to the other unwanted habits. This is why I say I'm training, rather than hitting some magical date in which I'll automatically transform.
But really, transformation is occurring. I am a man who does not look at porn, nor things that lead up to it. I am a man in control of himself. I am a man who will respect women, even if drop-dead gorgeous, even if they seem to want me to look at them lustfully, even if I acknowledge their beauty. I will honor them as the weaker (but equal) vessel and not take advantage of them. I will not be that creepy guy who's always preying on unsuspecting women.
I am finding my freedom, and will- and must jealously- guard it!
Deeper issues or concerns?
Last Sunday there was an episode where I encountered something on IG, and wondered what to do with it. Sure enough, when I went to delete it (something relatively innocent), urges came up. So, for me to delete it would have been the wrong message to my brain, a reaction to an urge, rather than mindful avoidance. So I left it alone.
Then after lunch I came home and got online. I saw a female friend request on FB, and knew that it was a sex-bot. Maybe it was some guy in Africa in his mother's basement, trying to extort money off some older victim. But the picture was 'tailor-made' toward my tastes, and was tantalizing. I felt a rush of urges and excitement. My libido was high, and the physiology of that was: everything was working! Deep down, I hoped that the request was real, that 'she' was real. It would have been flattering and exciting to interact. There was some messaging, and the usual- "Where are you from...", and all the telltale signs that I was being set up for identity theft, or extortion.
How did I deal with this? I acknowledged (nonjudgmentally) that I have deeper emotional needs that want such a connection. So, my reactions were no surprize. But I created space, I accepted the friend request, then did something else (online), that at least gets rid of the 'should-I-or-shouldn't-I?' obsessing. I had to go pee, and was really amazed on how this affected me sexually, how 'horny' this all made me. I went back to Messenger, and sure enough the next thing was, she requested my photo... I could have played into it, "Send me your pic first", but I didn't. I blocked her, and deleted the conversation.
Later on, to take away its mystique, I did further research on them, and I think it is a real female user- but that the scam part is also true.
These kind of potholes on my journey are a danger, but also a learning tool. I use them to practice urge-surfing (a recovery term), and to learn how to deal in real time with what might have tripped me up in the past. This is a snapshot of what this may look like, time-to-time, going forward. And the question remains for me, How to continue, in addition to all I've done thus far, to minimize potential exposure to such things (on IG, Youtube and FB) without giving too much power to external stimuli? It seems whenever I go in to delete a whole slew of things, which on other times I've done when it makes sense, I end up turning around and going back, because it feels like legalism to me. And I know that only feeds the unwanted habits, or their urges.
Yet, coming close to my end-date, I need to carefully navigate this issue so that it's a win for me, and feeds into the overall tone for the days beyond my goal.
As for the above issue, I had strong urges for the rest of the day- and was almost certain I was going to lapse. I was even playing out various scenarios in my head- but never acted on anything: no p-subs, and (this may sound weird) I tried to edge that night, but just wasn't into it. Earlier that evening I did 'pray through it' and felt it change. No harm, no foul.
This is 12/15 or 4/5 toward my overall goal of 120 days.
This is also 3 months and 4 days or 13 weeks and 5 days into this recovery effort.
Today I hit my goal of 96 days without P, PMO, MO, and without P-Subs or edging.
This also enters my final phase of 4 color-coded phases which divide these 15 sets of 8 days. Thus, I have only 3 more mini-goals to hit before reaching my 120 days! This is only 24 days away!
How do I feel?
As they say, 'Life goes on'. But, that's a good thing, because I'm no longer trying to hide from life in escapist habits and fantasy. I feel life, its pain, its loneliness, its stress, as well as its joy, and happiness.
I feel clean, I feel the hope for a new life. I'm in training to go on without P, PMO, or MO in my life. It's true, and I'm more keen to this now than in past efforts, that, even after a long streak, I can let my guard down, get complacent, mindless, and fall into old habits of p-subs or edging, which typically (if not eventually) lead back to the other unwanted habits. This is why I say I'm training, rather than hitting some magical date in which I'll automatically transform.
But really, transformation is occurring. I am a man who does not look at porn, nor things that lead up to it. I am a man in control of himself. I am a man who will respect women, even if drop-dead gorgeous, even if they seem to want me to look at them lustfully, even if I acknowledge their beauty. I will honor them as the weaker (but equal) vessel and not take advantage of them. I will not be that creepy guy who's always preying on unsuspecting women.
I am finding my freedom, and will- and must jealously- guard it!
Deeper issues or concerns?
Last Sunday there was an episode where I encountered something on IG, and wondered what to do with it. Sure enough, when I went to delete it (something relatively innocent), urges came up. So, for me to delete it would have been the wrong message to my brain, a reaction to an urge, rather than mindful avoidance. So I left it alone.
Then after lunch I came home and got online. I saw a female friend request on FB, and knew that it was a sex-bot. Maybe it was some guy in Africa in his mother's basement, trying to extort money off some older victim. But the picture was 'tailor-made' toward my tastes, and was tantalizing. I felt a rush of urges and excitement. My libido was high, and the physiology of that was: everything was working! Deep down, I hoped that the request was real, that 'she' was real. It would have been flattering and exciting to interact. There was some messaging, and the usual- "Where are you from...", and all the telltale signs that I was being set up for identity theft, or extortion.
How did I deal with this? I acknowledged (nonjudgmentally) that I have deeper emotional needs that want such a connection. So, my reactions were no surprize. But I created space, I accepted the friend request, then did something else (online), that at least gets rid of the 'should-I-or-shouldn't-I?' obsessing. I had to go pee, and was really amazed on how this affected me sexually, how 'horny' this all made me. I went back to Messenger, and sure enough the next thing was, she requested my photo... I could have played into it, "Send me your pic first", but I didn't. I blocked her, and deleted the conversation.
Later on, to take away its mystique, I did further research on them, and I think it is a real female user- but that the scam part is also true.
These kind of potholes on my journey are a danger, but also a learning tool. I use them to practice urge-surfing (a recovery term), and to learn how to deal in real time with what might have tripped me up in the past. This is a snapshot of what this may look like, time-to-time, going forward. And the question remains for me, How to continue, in addition to all I've done thus far, to minimize potential exposure to such things (on IG, Youtube and FB) without giving too much power to external stimuli? It seems whenever I go in to delete a whole slew of things, which on other times I've done when it makes sense, I end up turning around and going back, because it feels like legalism to me. And I know that only feeds the unwanted habits, or their urges.
Yet, coming close to my end-date, I need to carefully navigate this issue so that it's a win for me, and feeds into the overall tone for the days beyond my goal.
As for the above issue, I had strong urges for the rest of the day- and was almost certain I was going to lapse. I was even playing out various scenarios in my head- but never acted on anything: no p-subs, and (this may sound weird) I tried to edge that night, but just wasn't into it. Earlier that evening I did 'pray through it' and felt it change. No harm, no foul.
Thank you, Chris!
What a perfect metaphor, poisonous branches trying to creep in, that?s how it feels, too!
Let?s keep this garden from the outside corrupting forces out there!
What a perfect metaphor, poisonous branches trying to creep in, that?s how it feels, too!
Let?s keep this garden from the outside corrupting forces out there!
@ Chris ~
Thank you for reaching out, brother! I'm just about to post an update here, and hopefully create a topic for the 'Porn Addiction Forum'.
On the reboot front, things are going well. However, there's emotional challenges in my personal life. Otherwise, things are great, and I'm grateful for the level of freedom I'm attaining.
Blessings.
Thank you for reaching out, brother! I'm just about to post an update here, and hopefully create a topic for the 'Porn Addiction Forum'.
On the reboot front, things are going well. However, there's emotional challenges in my personal life. Otherwise, things are great, and I'm grateful for the level of freedom I'm attaining.
Blessings.