I am continuing my journey as a man who does not use porn, does not practice auto-eroticism, and does not edge or indulge in p-subs.
My 120 day goal was and continues to be a success, despite the lapse I had late March.
I don?t fully know why that occurred, other than the thought that I continued to have, that I needed to ?finish? watching a certain video (?), and the emotional and external cues I experienced at the time... But I am done trying to analyze it.
Seeing it was indeed episodic, and not part of any relapse, and that it has no residual affects on me, I am continuing on as if it never happened.
However, I continue in a self-imposed 30 day probationary period, ending April 24. This is not punishment, but to ensure that the behavior (or whatever led up to it) is not repeated, reifying old habit patterns.
But I feel good, and am no longer addicted to P, PMO, MO, or to the behaviors surrounding these, what were my former rituals.
Proof: I am returning from a wonderful vacation with my family, which I thoroughly enjoyed. When I was addicted, I would use the whole vacation experience as a big ritual toward the hoped for acting out by seeing porn on cable T.V. whenever the family would go to sleep. Or, if we were in Vegas, I?d be too distracted with the same, and wanting to pick up the discarded porn-brochures they would hand out like gospel tracks...
In the past, each morning I would shower in the motel room, full of regrets for acting out to looking for or seeing something on T.V.
All that is gone! I can now enjoy, honestly enjoy trips without having the addiction as the sole focal point.
This victory is indeed years in the making, but it was so important to establish that period of 4 months without acting out or responding to the urges.
While it wasn?t picture perfect, it was honest enough to mean real habit change. And for that, I am grateful.
My 120 day goal was and continues to be a success, despite the lapse I had late March.
I don?t fully know why that occurred, other than the thought that I continued to have, that I needed to ?finish? watching a certain video (?), and the emotional and external cues I experienced at the time... But I am done trying to analyze it.
Seeing it was indeed episodic, and not part of any relapse, and that it has no residual affects on me, I am continuing on as if it never happened.
However, I continue in a self-imposed 30 day probationary period, ending April 24. This is not punishment, but to ensure that the behavior (or whatever led up to it) is not repeated, reifying old habit patterns.
But I feel good, and am no longer addicted to P, PMO, MO, or to the behaviors surrounding these, what were my former rituals.
Proof: I am returning from a wonderful vacation with my family, which I thoroughly enjoyed. When I was addicted, I would use the whole vacation experience as a big ritual toward the hoped for acting out by seeing porn on cable T.V. whenever the family would go to sleep. Or, if we were in Vegas, I?d be too distracted with the same, and wanting to pick up the discarded porn-brochures they would hand out like gospel tracks...
In the past, each morning I would shower in the motel room, full of regrets for acting out to looking for or seeing something on T.V.
All that is gone! I can now enjoy, honestly enjoy trips without having the addiction as the sole focal point.
This victory is indeed years in the making, but it was so important to establish that period of 4 months without acting out or responding to the urges.
While it wasn?t picture perfect, it was honest enough to mean real habit change. And for that, I am grateful.