Day: 60
This is 6/9 or 2/3 toward my current abstinence challenge of 90 days.
This is also 2 months into this recovery effort, building on previous streaks (139, 19, 53 [19, 35], 2, 14).
Today I hit my mini-goal of 60 days without P, PMO, MO, with no episodes of p-subs or edging.
I have only 3 more mini-goals to hit before reaching 90 days!
How do I feel?
I feel great! I'm excited that this streak is a true abstaining, without compromising with p-subs or edging. This isn't to say that it's always smooth sailing, as even last night I had urges to edge, but dismissed them- was mindful to not react to (for or against) them, but let them pass on by. I also had cues toward some pics I saw on IG, and checked my pulse rate (elevated), and did some deep breathing to calm myself back down, to ground myself in the now moment.
Breaking up these 90 days into 3 color-coded phases, the first 1-30 days are the red phase, 31-60 days are the blue phase, and the final 61-90 are the green phase. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in the Green phase, starting tomorrow! And these color-coded phases are pretty accurate. Because in that first month, it's very volatile. You have behaviors that, if you lapse again, will become habituated (or rehabituated), and thus harder to break. The blue phase is more an intermediary period where your abstinence is turning into habit, and by day 60, the neurochemicals like DeltaPhos B (porn memory) and Hypofrontality (brain fog) have greatly diminished. In the green phase, I can see the end of the journey (by September 1), though in truth, I'll continue on as I am, but trained (and, retrained) to live life without P, PMO, or MO.
I also appreciate that women are attractive and responsive to me, as they have an inner sense for a man in control of himself. They look my way, and there's mutual respect and attraction, as they 'sense' that I'm not a creep or predator, always 'out there' like a shark, seeking to devour them with my insatiable lust. Yes, I admire their beauty, but in a much less objectifying way.
Deeper issues and concerns?
It's true, I have a strange relationship with social media, at least it would appear that way to the onlooker. Has social media caused me to lapse in the past? Many times. But I have found that the more restrictive I am with it, the more 'sensitized' toward it I become. In other words, the more I try to control it directly, the more tempting it is to me.
While I still follow my 'in-and-out' approach generally, how I deal with content on there (say, IG or Youtube) is changing to where I 'allow' certain things to be without judgment, I'll also work with ASMR and use it mindfully toward emotional needs, or even as ERP sessions. On IG I'll save certain things that I might not have before, but nothing that would constitute p-subs for me, though it may have that potential.
Essentially, remembering how I lapsed after my 139 days, what led up to it, and the role that social media played in that, my approach is very mindful of this. I'm following my focus list, and am changing how I view outward stimuli, and following the trek of self-knowledge, basically training myself to not be controlled by these things, while at the same time, not indulging (opposite of abstinence).
Finally, I want to give a little encouragement to some who may be struggling. I'm on my way to hitting my latest abstinence challenge of 90 days, at day 60, this time is after streaks that were only 14 days, and before that, only 2 days long! So, if I can do it, anyone can! Take courage, strengthen your resolve, tweek your methods as needed, and slay this damn dragon!
