How Shall We Escape?

[guitar1968]

Thank you, Guitar! You will keep winning the battle, and you've already won in so many ways.

I know your struggles as you described them in your journal (to which I've responded), and in a lot of ways, I'm literally in that same place to a degree. Hopefully, from the nitty-gritty, and at times less than perfect skirmishes, you can find inspiration for your own struggles.

No matter what, always keep the bigger picture in mind, as we seek to train our brains and hearts to embrace the 'new normal' of living without these unwanted behaviors.

Yes. I've surrendered to the fact that it will be a life long commitment to stay away from it. It's not something that will just heal itself. I'm hoping the need fades and that I restore some of my function with normal sexual encounters. That is the goal. I may be able to heal some of those issues, but I'm sure I'll have to keep fighting the fight against the addiction.

 

[Phineas 808]

Yes. I've surrendered to the fact that it will be a life long commitment to stay away from it. It's not something that will just heal itself. I'm hoping the need fades and that I restore some of my function with normal sexual encounters. That is the goal. I may be able to heal some of those issues, but I'm sure I'll have to keep fighting the fight against the addiction.

Same for me. It's an area where I'll have to be diligent about for the rest of my life. This doesn't mean a constant state of white-knuckling, as I mostly come into a place of peace and equanimity, and am not constantly pining away for porn.

But I do also have my moments (semi-often lately) where I'm thinking about it, entertaining the idea, and even acting out to varying degrees (orange-line behaviors) toward it. It's kind of scary. But this place will change for me eventually: either I'll full on lapse, and reset to 0, which will at least give me a 'fresh start', or through repetitious denial, or dismissing the urges, the urges and their rationalizations/emotions will subside.

Of course the first possibility is true, but more than likely it wouldn't just be the 'one-off', but a strong pull to repeat the behavior will keep me from just establishing a lengthy streak right away... (nature of the beast). The second possibility is of course more desirable.

The need will fade for you, Guitar. Keep on Keep'n on, as they used to say. Eventually, the neural pathways through lack of use, will subside and all but deaden. Neuroplasticity is your salvation. The brain will change, rewire, reboot, and your reward center will be acclimated toward sex in the real world, with real human beings. Touch, smell, sight, hearing, will all be geared toward real women, and not pixalized images.

Be blessed!

 

[Phineas 808]

I want to make a brief entry regarding an apparent ambivalence toward using.

It seems like I'm being wishy-washy, or making compromises, or not caring about my recovery at the moment. While this is possible, I want to say that this is not the case.

I'm recognizing that there's two parts of the brain that explain this: the lower limbic system, where these urges and addictive voice come from, and the cerebral cortex, our thinking and judgment center, where the 'better part' of us wants to do the right thing, the healthy choices.

I'm currently 134 days without any P, PMO, or MO (-1), still, even with my latest struggles.

I feel good, even though I had thoughts of using a while ago (home alone), but I didn't act on them, no strong urges to act on them. I'm continuing on, and am actually in line to beat my longest streak on here (139 days), which I will report on next week- and the Lord is willing.

Be strong, everyone. Dismiss the urges.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Good stuff, man! Discipline is the thing. Building a discipline for breaking the repetitive habit that is this thing.

 

[Orbiter]

I want to make a brief entry regarding an apparent ambivalence toward using.

It seems like I'm being wishy-washy, or making compromises, or not caring about my recovery at the moment. While this is possible, I want to say that this is not the case.

I'm recognizing that there's two parts of the brain that explain this: the lower limbic system, where these urges and addictive voice come from, and the cerebral cortex, our thinking and judgment center, where the 'better part' of us wants to do the right thing, the healthy choices.

I'm currently 134 days without any P, PMO, or MO (-1), still, even with my latest struggles.

I feel good, even though I had thoughts of using a while ago (home alone), but I didn't act on them, no strong urges to act on them. I'm continuing on, and am actually in line to beat my longest streak on here (139 days), which I will report on next week- and the Lord is willing.

Be strong, everyone. Dismiss the urges.

I don't perceive it as an ambivalence personally, more that you've reached the point where you're perhaps working out how exactly to move from 'i'm one hundred and something days clean' towards 'I don't use P and honestly can't remember or even think of the last time I had an uncontrollable urge to'.

For something to be sustainable in the long run, we need to be accountable but reasonable with ourselves about how we manage & dismiss urges right? Perfectionism and an all-or-nothing mentality can often be little more than a thinly disguised excuse to give up and give in. I guess at this stage accountability for you might be more about recognising if this is a 'once off' that was managed or is becoming a pattern of behavour that needs to be more seriously addressed. Beyond that, perhaps laying down the final blows on some of those troublesome cues might be the additional priority as well? (weekends alone, social media etc.)

You're in territory that is uncharted for me so I there's only so much I can say but I do see where you're going with this. Stay vigilant & stay accountable for your actions but do keep up the great work Phineas!

 

[Phineas 808]

Good stuff, man! Discipline is the thing. Building a discipline for breaking the repetitive habit that is this thing.

Thank you, Escape! This is true, and it plays out for me even now. Something as simple as getting ready in the morning, where I used to look at my iPhone prior to getting in the shower- while sitting on 'the throne'. Instead now, it's been my discipline for a while now to read a book instead.

Even with my latest bouts with p-subs, etc, centering around social media, when I get ready in the morning and my phone is still in my hand, I'm like, "What? I don't bring my phone with me when I get ready...", then I'll leave it behind.

In that way, the line is clear for me- if I'm acting out, I'm acting out, but discipline has definitely helped me offset bad habits with better ones.

 

[Phineas 808]

I don't perceive it as an ambivalence personally, more that you've reached the point where you're perhaps working out how exactly to move from 'i'm one hundred and something days clean' towards 'I don't use P and honestly can't remember or even think of the last time I had an uncontrollable urge to'.

For something to be sustainable in the long run, we need to be accountable but reasonable with ourselves about how we manage & dismiss urges right? Perfectionism and an all-or-nothing mentality can often be little more than a thinly disguised excuse to give up and give in. I guess at this stage accountability for you might be more about recognising if this is a 'once off' that was managed or is becoming a pattern of behavour that needs to be more seriously addressed. Beyond that, perhaps laying down the final blows on some of those troublesome cues might be the additional priority as well? (weekends alone, social media etc.)

You're in territory that is uncharted for me so I there's only so much I can say but I do see where you're going with this. Stay vigilant & stay accountable for your actions but do keep up the great work Phineas!

Thank you, Orbiter! That's exactly right- not an ambivalence as such, but being in that space after hitting my abstinence challenge goals, and wondering where to go from here- as one who doesn't use P, PMO, or MO.

There are also some additional dynamics going on: my relation to RN, how to relate as someone who comes by to help (as I'm not deleting my account as before), and not someone who 'needs' to come on here- though I may need to..., if that makes sense.

Again, there were habits being established (via repetition) toward p-subs and edging. I have and focus on addressing social media usage, and dismissing urges. Currently for a few nights back, this has not been an issue for me. Or, if I've had urges, I successfully dismissed them.

Yes, accountability: first toward myself. If I can't be true to myself, everything else is a lie.

Thank you for your support, brother.

 

[Phineas 808]

I updated and added a couple more principles to an earlier post, and reposted it in the 'Porn Addiction' forum:

18 Principles of Recovery

I rearranged a couple of principles (better prioritizing them), as well as making a couple of more principles, including a new #1!

This post is timely for me personally, as it helps me to focus or refocus on what's important going forward, even after hitting my latest goals.

Come check it out, and show it some love.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I updated and added a couple more principles to an earlier post, and reposted it in the 'Porn Addiction' forum:

18 Principles of Recovery

I rearranged a couple of principles (better prioritizing them), as well as making a couple of more principles, including a new #1!

This post is timely for me personally, as it helps me to focus or refocus on what's important going forward, even after hitting my latest goals.

Come check it out, and show it some love.

Keep up the good work with the 18 principles. They are helpful for us.

 

[Phineas 808]

Keep up the good work with the 18 principles. They are helpful for us.

Definitely. I changed number 7, fyi....

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Definitely. I changed number 7, fyi....

 

[workinprogressUK]

It's a really helpful resource. Thanks for taking the time to create and share it. Appreciated.

 

[Phineas 808]

It's a really helpful resource. Thanks for taking the time to create and share it. Appreciated.

You're welcome, WIP! Good seeing you.

 

[Joel]

Hope all is well, Phin. Thought the 18 principles post was great.
Best

 

[Phineas 808]

Hope all is well, Phin. Thought the 18 principles post was great.
Best

Thank you, Joel! Good seeing you, and using your older profile I see...

 

[Phineas 808]

Day: 140!

Today is 140 days without P, PMO, or MO (-1)!

What is the significance of this day? This officially beats my personal best since rejoining Reboot Nation back in November of 2020.

My prior personal best was 139 days, accomplished between November 6, 2020 and March 25, 2021. I had gone 19 days beyond my 120 day abstinence challenge at that time.

I've done longer streaks, having gone over 300 days between March 2019 and March 2020, when I began to slip back into old habits based on the pandemic and other issues. But during that time I had a lot of bad habits regarding p-subs related to social media.

After my previous best last March, I had an ambivalence toward p-use, and was toying with p-memories, and anticipated lapsing to them. I had been using ASMR videos to help sleep, and some weren't a very wise choice for me, and it 'awakened' urges I hadn't dealt with for a while... Needless to say, I lapsed on March 25th.

It has now taken me about 5x tries to beat my latest (90+1 day) abstinence challenge on September 2nd. But here we are, way past that now. I've only MO'd 1x during this current streak.

How do I feel?

I feel good about my abstinence, and count this time as a real recovery effort, despite recent struggles. Part of this is in remembering the whole reason why I rejoined RN to begin with. Also helpful was challenging certain lies I've believed that encourage p-use.

Early in August, I had been dealing with p-subs and edging on and off, and this had only increased (and became somewhat of a habit) in September.

But now I feel fine regarding this. For many nights now, I've either had no urges or easily dismissed urges to either behavior. I'm also no longer in that strange place of anticipating a lapse toward P, PMO, or MO.

Regardless, I'm going forward as a different person, and leaving behind a decades old struggle.

 

[JerryTX]

Excellent job Phineas! Always get read your posts! You are an inspiration to all on the RN!

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you so much, Jerry!

 

[Joel]

Sounds great. Well done on the milestone, and yes - always beware the gateways. With enough experimenting, we become aware of the lies we tell ourselves about these gateways and what we should and shouldn't allow ourselves.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, Joel. I understand what you're saying. Certainly throughout my journal (and my experience) I know what behaviors have been a dangerous or compromising place to be.

But in keeping with taking back power, I must keep this one thing in mind:

I am the gateway...

This means to me that the only thing I need be aware of is myself. Whether I stand or fall is because of me. This doesn't take away from your point at all, though, because if I allow ceratain behaviors to become habit, than one can set themselves up for a fall. And yet, regardless, we always have the power to not give in to our urges.