How Shall We Escape?

[Orbiter]

Thank you, @Wolfman .

Here is the full quote:

I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan.

That's the thing, the secret if there were one, is to never give up, to always try, to believe in one's dreams and in themselves. Here's a couple of other quotes that are similar:

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again... - Proverbs 24:16a.

That's right. Every day is brand new, a new grace, a new chance to get up, to be different, to change. Yes, changes are incremental and can start an unstoppable motion toward transformation. Up close it may not look like much is happening, but little by little we wear away the false self, and give rise to who we were meant to be.

I really needed to read this today so thank you Phineas. In regards to your lapse, I think you are already using it as the proverbial 'canary in a cage' to address lingering habits around social media which is the mindset we should all take to each relapse right? Consolidating the positives of lessons learn and healing made over the previous months rather than falling into the trap of the "oh no not day 1 again" downward spiral.

Wishing you strength, focus & purpose on your 10 day probation period. You got this!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I really needed to read this today so thank you Phineas. In regards to your lapse, I think you are already using it as the proverbial 'canary in a cage' to address lingering habits around social media which is the mindset we should all take to each relapse right? Consolidating the positives of lessons learn and healing made over the previous months rather than falling into the trap of the "oh no not day 1 again" downward spiral.

Wishing you strength, focus & purpose on your 10 day probation period. You got this!

Disrupting the repetitive nature of this "habit" is a key to success.

 

[Phineas 808]

I really needed to read this today so thank you Phineas. In regards to your lapse, I think you are already using it as the proverbial 'canary in a cage' to address lingering habits around social media which is the mindset we should all take to each relapse right? Consolidating the positives of lessons learn and healing made over the previous months rather than falling into the trap of the "oh no not day 1 again" downward spiral.

Wishing you strength, focus & purpose on your 10 day probation period. You got this!

That's right, Orbiter. Never let a good lapse go to waste, lol...!

We can, and always should, learn from every fall, every lapse. In this way we learn ourselves, know ourselves, and can finally beat our unwanted behaviors.

Nelson Mandela said, I never fail, I either win or I learn.

I don't feel like I'm on any 'day-1', either. I feel good, a few days after the lapse, like 'pure' or clean. I think it's because I'm seriously (more serious than before?) addressing the social media issue, in a more concrete way. Even if I did lapse again, and I don't plan on it, I know I will soon find my footing.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

That's right, Orbiter. Never let a good lapse go to waste, lol...!

We can, and always should, learn from every fall, every lapse. In this way we learn ourselves, know ourselves, and can finally beat our unwanted behaviors.

Nelson Mandela said, I never fail, I either win or I learn.

I don't feel like I'm on any 'day-1', either. I feel good, a few days after the lapse, like 'pure' or clean. I think it's because I'm seriously (more serious than before?) addressing the social media issue, in a more concrete way. Even if I did lapse again, and I don't plan on it, I know I will soon find my footing.

I think what we want to avoid is binging, daily use and returning to our old and known porn routine. But being relapse-free is what we actually want above everything. You learn from relapses, of course, but we don't want to "learn from relapses" for the next 10 years. That's why there comes a day when we really need to up our game and show that we are actually progressing for real. Yes, if you go 100 days without porn and then you slip once, this doesn't destroy everything but it doesn't need to become a habit and it doesn't need to become an invitation for the addicted brain that it's okay to relapse once in a while. We want to be done with porn for good, not to taste it from time to time.

 

[Phineas 808]

I think what we want to avoid is binging, daily use and returning to our old and known porn routine. But being relapse-free is what we actually want above everything. You learn from relapses, of course, but we don't want to "learn from relapses" for the next 10 years. That's why there comes a day when we really need to up our game and show that we are actually progressing for real. Yes, if you go 100 days without porn and then you slip once, this doesn't destroy everything but it doesn't need to become a habit and it doesn't need to become an invitation for the addicted brain that it's okay to relapse once in a while. We want to be done with porn for good, not to taste it from time to time.

This is what most people want when they join RN.

I understand and have accepted my own decades-long struggle, and know the place of trauma and brokenness from which it comes, and has driven it.

What's important to me now is that I have broken the habituation of it, the addiction to these behaviors. I'm no longer repeating P, PMO, or MO every week or every 10 days. It was actually (and ironically) such 'black-and-white' thinking as expressed above that prolonged my own struggles. Had I been more compassionate and understanding toward myself, I would have beaten this thing in my early thirties...

Sure, there's a part of me that would want to use occassionally, 'taste it once in a while', but that goes against my own morals and what I want for myself spiritually, and as a human being.

 

[Phineas 808]

One Year on Reboot Nation!!

Also, I hit my 10 day probationary successfully!

I’m marking my one year anniversary after rejoining Reboot Nation on November 17, 2020.

The year in review:

I accomplished 139 day streak (11/6/20 - 3/25/21).

This is how I rejoined Reboot Nation, 11 days in. I wanted that extra edge in going passed my best efforts, which on their own were getting better and better. I began to see real results when I started to change my habits surrounding my phone use, and get control over p-subs. During this time, p-subs and edging were minimal, and my phone-use habits still follow what I set out to change back in September-October of 2020.

This streak ended as I entertained p-memory and nostalgia toward p-use. I also discovered ASMR, which 'awakened' what had laid dormant up to that point. The former habits were no longer there, and it wasn't something that occurred overnight.

Then I had lapsed after failing a 30 day probationary period 19 days later, to MO.

Then it took me 3x tries (4/13/21 - 6/3/21), to accomplish my 90+1 day abstinence challenge (ended 9/2/21).

This was part of my latest streak of 157 days (6/3/21 - 11/7/21). There were 2x episodes of MO during this time.

This streak ended after a strange and lengthy period which began in early August where p-subs and edging were an ever increasing and rehabituated problem for me. But I had several successes as well as failures along this line. I almost 'wanted' to lapse, so I could reset to 0 and refocus.

Currently:

I have completed a 10 day probationary period that the previous lapse hadn't become a re-lapse, or a repeated behavior. It wasn't easy, as on day 1 and day 7 were strong urges to use, but these were dismissed.

I addressed my social media habits with the acronym:

I > integrity M > mindful P > purposeful A > alert C > concise T > truthful.

This is greatly helping me to have that kind of focus I had a year ago when I rejoined RN. It's challenging as these changes are not yet made a habit. But I have to be consistent.

I'm now going on, not (closely) counting days, as if I accomplished an abstinence challenge. I'm going to simply live my life free from P, PMO, and MO. That's what my abstinence challenges train me for, and now I execute that in my day-to-day.

P-subs and edging are something brought under control now, mostly due to the changes concerning social media, and also dismissing urges.

My goal is to make love to my wife once a week, and this is so far an elusive goal. I feel mostly a-sexual when I go to bed. I am able to perform when we do make love, other than the occassional performance anxiety. But even that has improved over the last year.

I'm in a good place, feeling vigilant and not complacent, and have hopes of leaving P, PMO, and MO behind in the dust bins of history.

 

[Phineas 808]

Just to celebrate again, the previous year 2020 - 2021 has been a SUCCESS!

This last year I was able to do two lengthy streaks without P, PMO, MO (x2):

139 days (11/6/20 - 3/25/21)

157 days (6/3/21 - 11/7/21)

From November 6, 2020 to November 17, 2021 = 376 days.

There's been 6x resets (day 0) out of 376 days. Thus there were:

370 days free from P, PMO, and MO (x3) out of this previous year since the abstinence with which I rejoined Reboot Nation.

This is a 98.4% success rate!

(see previous post for more detail, analysis)

Here's to the year spanning 2021 - 2022, let's make it an even better success!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Awesome, man! Things are moving well. Keep up the work. That's what all of us need to do: Finally make it work after many years of being not too successful. That's the aim. You inspire us.

 

[Phineas 808]

In the last 21 days, I have seen two things:

1. By changing my approach toward social media, I ended my months long obsessing over p-subs and edging, which was ever increasing, but had several notable victories. This gave me so far 19 days of solid victory.

2. That life still goes on, with all it's challenges, stresses, and its up and down emotional states. And the human heart, especially mine with all its brokenness, still have it's deep needs.

This passing Thanksgiving holiday was no exception concerning the stresses of life. We had a great time during the holiday, and enjoyed our company, but leading up to the holday, preparation for it, especially regarding stresses with the wife, this time period was very taxing.

What was interesting about this was that I can still go from 0 - 90 in terms of obsession, and this regardless of the fact that P, PMO, and MO were not an issue during the close to 3 week time period! Even p-subs and edging were not issues. How is it that this can so starkly change in a day or two??

My approach currently is in not counting days, and I had to step back from the habit of thinking in those terms. In the future, if I need to count, I have it set up at a moment's notice. But for now to keep winning the war, I must change my tactics time to time, even changing the battlefield.

I will continue to journal here periodically, and of course I hope to be of help to others in their journey. But if I'm a little scarce, I'm never too far away. I simply must keep tweeking the alchemy that is my journey.

Be well, All.

 

[guiganvoger]

Good thinking Phineas, I often reflect that the 90-day challenge is a great place to start but beating real addiction is more than just counting days. In order to conquer the hold that porn has on us, it requires a different way of thinking; constantly making new strategies to tackle the problem and renew motivation.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good thinking Phineas, I often reflect that the 90-day challenge is a great place to start but beating real addiction is more than just counting days. In order to conquer the hold that porn has on us, it requires a different way of thinking; constantly making new strategies to tackle the problem and renew motivation.

Indeed. Thank you, guiganvoger…!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Good thinking Phineas, I often reflect that the 90-day challenge is a great place to start but beating real addiction is more than just counting days. In order to conquer the hold that porn has on us, it requires a different way of thinking; constantly making new strategies to tackle the problem and renew motivation.

I agree that being done with porn requires more than abstinence. Some people have a harder time to make changes in their lives in the initial phase of withdrawal but even like this, after a while, if all we do is abstaining from porn, we have a big chance to return to it and I've seen cases, they had hundreds of days and returned back to porn when things got difficult in their lives. Porn is the ultimate comfort zone. We need mechanisms for dealing with hard days without porn. And without alcohol for me.

 

[Phineas 808]

Checking in on this first day of December.

I did laspe 2x in November, once to P and the other time was to MO.

I want to leave P, PMO, and MO behind in November, behind in 2021 and not carry it over into 2022. It's very possible, as last year I went all the way from 11/6/20 until 3/25/21 !

The month of March has been historically a time to lapse, even relapse for me to some degree or other. But this is all in my head, it just seems that way. There is a natural cyclical nature to my urges or temptations, and it may be distorted thinking tied to natural sexual cycles? Making love to my wife more frequently (at least 1x a week) would be ideal to offset this.

Nonetheless, in thinking about this I coined this phrase to help me focus when that month comes, 'I will march through March!'

It is yet a little while from then, and all I can do is what's right before me now. In that regards, I feel good.

I had urges Monday, but I lacked opportunity. But what really helped me was in thinking, 'This is simply the lower brain wanting it's dopamine hit!' And I thus dismissed the urges.

Be well, All, in your respective journys.

 

[JerryTX]

Good luck and I agree we must move forward focusing on the future and not the past. This week has been stressful and extremely busy and will continue through next week for me. I have had little urges/etc due to I have had little time.. But like you mentioned above it is amazing how you can go from none to all of a sudden the P demon is staring you in the face!!! I have been focusing on what is called the 1st 15. That is the first 15 minutes of my day are spent in the Bible and Prayer. Funny thing is sometimes I just "check the box" to get this done but when I go to it with intent and purpose it's amazing how GOD speaks to me. This sets my day up for success and creates a mindset. Happy December RN and praying for this site.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Phineas, you're doing great, brother! I'm happy to see that you are finally on the right track after so many years. Keep up the good work in December!

 

[Orbiter]

The distance between urges & your thoughts/internal dialogue that you have build over time is very apparent and i'm sure will serve you well in your intentions to 'march through March' or any month from here on out.

You're doing so well Phineas. Keep up the great work!

 

[Orbiter]

Good luck and I agree we must move forward focusing on the future and not the past. This week has been stressful and extremely busy and will continue through next week for me. I have had little urges/etc due to I have had little time.. But like you mentioned above it is amazing how you can go from none to all of a sudden the P demon is staring you in the face!!! I have been focusing on what is called the 1st 15. That is the first 15 minutes of my day are spent in the Bible and Prayer. Funny thing is sometimes I just "check the box" to get this done but when I go to it with intent and purpose it's amazing how GOD speaks to me. This sets my day up for success and creates a mindset. Happy December RN and praying for this site.

I really like this post JerryTX. Though not a religious man myself and I may be somewhat missing your point here, I have being doing a wake up exercise & meditation routine before I do literally anything else. I do this almost every morning and it also takes around 15 or 20 minutes. I just wake up that much earlier to fit it in.

This morning was honestly a textbook 'check the box' situation but it is still amazing to me with even just 'checking the box' how something like this first thing in the morning can completely change your day. It really 'sets up the day', prepares, focuses and puts you into a much better mindset for dealing with even the more difficult parts of the day.

 

[Phineas 808]

I have been focusing on what is called the 1st 15. That is the first 15 minutes of my day are spent in the Bible and Prayer. Funny thing is sometimes I just "check the box" to get this done but when I go to it with intent and purpose it's amazing how GOD speaks to me. This sets my day up for success and creates a mindset.

As I wrote on your journal, Jerry, great strategy!

This early time in the morning, whether one is praying or meditating, reading or writing (in a hard journal), this 'me-time' is essential for starting out establishing who we really are, who we intend to be for the day, for our life.

I agree, and praying before reading the Bible is important for those who do. To ask for our heart to be prepared to receive the word of the Lord sets us up for a time of personal revelation and divine guidance.

 

[Phineas 808]

Phineas, you're doing great, brother! I'm happy to see that you are finally on the right track after so many years. Keep up the good work in December!

Thank you for the encouragement, brother! This far in, I still need that brother-in-arms to support and encourage. Your own efforts will be strengthened and focused as you focus on others- I know that to be true for myself.

Blessings!

 

[Phineas 808]

It really 'sets up the day', prepares, focuses and puts you into a much better mindset for dealing with even the more difficult parts of the day.

I wrote my response to Jerry here before reading what you wrote here, Orbiter. But it's perfect that you 'greet the day' the way you are, and with intent, as Jerry said, your day (and progress) can only benefit!