Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Sounds good, man! You got the plan!
How Shall We Escape?
- Thread starter Phineas 808
- Start date
EarthWalker
Respected Member
I can relate to what you are saying about not having anyone to talk to.
About the female friendship. What does you heart say about this? If you would break this off simply because it might trigger trust issues in your wife...hm... maybe not the best reason? Anyway. Follow your intuition and heart and everything will work out.
Take care
EW
Thank you, EW. This has certainly been an ongoing issue, trying to 'end it' for 2 years now, lol...!
There are many reasons beyond what I mention above, personal feelings for her, dishonoring to my wife (it being secret), possible spiritual conflicts, which we needn't explore here.
I have 3 C's which I used to help in trying to decide what will ultimately happen, if the friendship doesn't end by my current efforts in the meanwhile...
Continuance, Containment, or Cessation.
Continuance isn't sustainable, as it amounts to a 'double-life' almost, living a lie...?
Containment is now where things stand, as I go into periods of silence, for 3-4 months at a time in 2020, but we always reconnect around holidays, birthdays, or if she's in need. She's ESL, and needs my help for her job relating to emails, etc... And sometimes we just miss each other...
Cessation is obviously the ending of the friendship, which if I was serious, I'd block her on all platforms, including emails, etc... But we have such understanding, she's been a trooper even with my 'containment' efforts...
You can see what kind of bombshell this would all be if it were made known to my 'better-half'. You can also see what conflict I have, too, in my soul. This has also been a factor in the past in my acting out toward my other issues (P, PMO, MO).
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EarthWalker
Respected Member
Well brother, whatever you do, I just urge you not to lie to yourself and ask yourself
Does this <insert action> bring me my highest love, joy and happiness?
alternative you can ask yourself.
If you were to die tomorrow would you regret not doing <insert action>?
I find life becomes simpler (not necessarily easier) when we are honest with ourselves and clearly know what we need and want. Very important to ask ourselves good questions and be totally and completely honest with the answers.
Anyway, whatever you decide to do or not do... it is all good. Wishing you well.
Thank you for mentioning the 3 Cs. Makes senes to me.
EW
Does this <insert action> bring me my highest love, joy and happiness?
alternative you can ask yourself.
If you were to die tomorrow would you regret not doing <insert action>?
I find life becomes simpler (not necessarily easier) when we are honest with ourselves and clearly know what we need and want. Very important to ask ourselves good questions and be totally and completely honest with the answers.
Anyway, whatever you decide to do or not do... it is all good. Wishing you well.
Thank you for mentioning the 3 Cs. Makes senes to me.
EW
My semi-often, once in a while, or maybe sooner-than-later, check-in.
It is 45 days since any P, or PMO occurred.
It's also been 28 days or 4 weeks since MO occurred.
There hasn't been any edging episodes.
I've been exploring a new platform to minister on, Tik Tok. And I guided the algorithm to not be 'boring' for me, this ventured somewhat into p-sub territory. This of course is not acceptable for my goals to continue being successful. But it's coming under control, and remains something to watch out for. Because of it's fast moving nature, I'm setting a timer when I go on, and that's helping me. I'm also looking up inspirational and spiritual people/subjects to follow, so as to guide the algorithms toward more wholesome and balanced feeds. It's crazy that my first followers were sex-bots, but such is the nature of the beast, and being an older male target.
Made love to my wife this morning, and all went well. I still deal with unnecessary concerns about Ol' Willy's performance, but he did his job without any issues. Despite a tendency to lean on fantasy, p-subs or p-memory to offset performance anxiety- I do challenge myself in the act to be in the moment, 'with my wife', for all the sights, sounds, and tactile experiences. The emotions of connection would be nice too, lol...
I'm feeling good as I just live life without P, PMO or MO. The new platform is a concern, but that I've not edged is a good thing. I simply have to apply my approach IMPACT (Integrity-Mindful-Purposeful-Alert-Concise-Truthful) toward Tik Tok, as I do toward the other platforms. I feel once the novelty of it wears off, and I continue to guide it away from anything that contradicts the above, it will be well.
My wife and I will probably go out of town for Valentines Day, perhaps today to offset the higher costs raised by the holiday itself.
It is 45 days since any P, or PMO occurred.
It's also been 28 days or 4 weeks since MO occurred.
There hasn't been any edging episodes.
I've been exploring a new platform to minister on, Tik Tok. And I guided the algorithm to not be 'boring' for me, this ventured somewhat into p-sub territory. This of course is not acceptable for my goals to continue being successful. But it's coming under control, and remains something to watch out for. Because of it's fast moving nature, I'm setting a timer when I go on, and that's helping me. I'm also looking up inspirational and spiritual people/subjects to follow, so as to guide the algorithms toward more wholesome and balanced feeds. It's crazy that my first followers were sex-bots, but such is the nature of the beast, and being an older male target.
Made love to my wife this morning, and all went well. I still deal with unnecessary concerns about Ol' Willy's performance, but he did his job without any issues. Despite a tendency to lean on fantasy, p-subs or p-memory to offset performance anxiety- I do challenge myself in the act to be in the moment, 'with my wife', for all the sights, sounds, and tactile experiences. The emotions of connection would be nice too, lol...
I'm feeling good as I just live life without P, PMO or MO. The new platform is a concern, but that I've not edged is a good thing. I simply have to apply my approach IMPACT (Integrity-Mindful-Purposeful-Alert-Concise-Truthful) toward Tik Tok, as I do toward the other platforms. I feel once the novelty of it wears off, and I continue to guide it away from anything that contradicts the above, it will be well.
My wife and I will probably go out of town for Valentines Day, perhaps today to offset the higher costs raised by the holiday itself.
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joepanic
Respected Member
Well done on your progress Phineas
Ive been reading the last several posts here with interest. The whole opposite sex friendship has many dynamics for all people involved. Jealousy usually topping thew list. But we are porn addicts and for some reason it adds another layer of complexity. How did you and this lady become friends. Is your wife naturally jealous. I suppose I should quick ask. Does your wife know about your porn addiction or use? Mine knows I surfed a lot of porn but not that I was outright addicted or am coming to this site. She just knows I don't watch it near as much as I used to. My porn use never bothered her. As for female friends I have a few. some that were there long before we were married and some that began after. None of these were ever kept a secret. There are no issues with my wife regarding these friendships. I guess I am asking is this friendship a secret and why.
cheers
post often it helps me it helps you
Ive been reading the last several posts here with interest. The whole opposite sex friendship has many dynamics for all people involved. Jealousy usually topping thew list. But we are porn addicts and for some reason it adds another layer of complexity. How did you and this lady become friends. Is your wife naturally jealous. I suppose I should quick ask. Does your wife know about your porn addiction or use? Mine knows I surfed a lot of porn but not that I was outright addicted or am coming to this site. She just knows I don't watch it near as much as I used to. My porn use never bothered her. As for female friends I have a few. some that were there long before we were married and some that began after. None of these were ever kept a secret. There are no issues with my wife regarding these friendships. I guess I am asking is this friendship a secret and why.
cheers
post often it helps me it helps you
Thank you, Panic, for your questions. These issues were behind why I rejoined RN back in November of 2020, as the (attempted) loss of that friendship along with my career, and the pandemic, started me back to acting out. I've kept this part out of my journal mostly for its sensitive nature, but, looks like I should talk about this...
Yes, my wife is jealous by nature. This she-friend and I have worked together for 22 years, and became literally best friends during this time. This came on the heels of a 2nd reveal to my wife about my sex-addiction behaviors back in 2003 (1st was in 1994). Our marriage almost ended when I tried to relieve my conscience and tell my wife that I then frequented p-book stores, and the first reveal was that I obsessed about prostitues (interacted, but didn't engage in sexual activities, mostly).
So, there's deep trust issues that would probably sink my marriage if I revealed the nature of this relationship. My current approach is to slowly back away from this friendship to honor my marriage. The damnable thing about this friendship is, feelings aside, the nature of it being secretive. I've tried to make it something my wife knows about (she knew we were friends at work), but my friend prefers the secrecy.
Yes, my wife is jealous by nature. This she-friend and I have worked together for 22 years, and became literally best friends during this time. This came on the heels of a 2nd reveal to my wife about my sex-addiction behaviors back in 2003 (1st was in 1994). Our marriage almost ended when I tried to relieve my conscience and tell my wife that I then frequented p-book stores, and the first reveal was that I obsessed about prostitues (interacted, but didn't engage in sexual activities, mostly).
So, there's deep trust issues that would probably sink my marriage if I revealed the nature of this relationship. My current approach is to slowly back away from this friendship to honor my marriage. The damnable thing about this friendship is, feelings aside, the nature of it being secretive. I've tried to make it something my wife knows about (she knew we were friends at work), but my friend prefers the secrecy.
Posting a little earlier as necessity warrants it. My current streak/s are as follows:
PMO > 50 days
P > 49 days
MO > 32 days
The day difference above between P and PMO are a more accurate count as different (but related) episodes occurred between December 29th and 30th of last year.
The TikTok nonsense kind of got out of hand in terms of p-subs and the eventual veering into edging. Yesterday I deleted about 20+ users, and unsaved various nonsense. But this may have backfired somewhat, as by the evening I was again obsessing- even worse than before.
Edging and p-sub activity brought me to the edge of a cliff, and I all but determined to jump. I did struggle into dangerous territory, but didn't watch anything and backed out. I went to my office to pray it through, and felt victory for that. I went back to bed and awoke an hour later still horny. Thankfully my wife awoke at the same time, and we made love.
Still working to make TikTok a viable platform for me to minister on, just have to guide the algorithms correctly, and use it to help people, and not be a selfish voyeur.
No fault, no reset.
PMO > 50 days
P > 49 days
MO > 32 days
The day difference above between P and PMO are a more accurate count as different (but related) episodes occurred between December 29th and 30th of last year.
The TikTok nonsense kind of got out of hand in terms of p-subs and the eventual veering into edging. Yesterday I deleted about 20+ users, and unsaved various nonsense. But this may have backfired somewhat, as by the evening I was again obsessing- even worse than before.
Edging and p-sub activity brought me to the edge of a cliff, and I all but determined to jump. I did struggle into dangerous territory, but didn't watch anything and backed out. I went to my office to pray it through, and felt victory for that. I went back to bed and awoke an hour later still horny. Thankfully my wife awoke at the same time, and we made love.
Still working to make TikTok a viable platform for me to minister on, just have to guide the algorithms correctly, and use it to help people, and not be a selfish voyeur.
No fault, no reset.
Good morning, all. Hope all are doing well...
PMO > 53 days
P > 52 days
MO > 35 days
So far in the month of February there are 0x episodes of any red-line behaviors. And so far this year I've not viewed any P, or PMO'd. So far I've left all that behind in 2021...
But this was almost not the case! As I reported above, ever since I installed TikTok, I've struggled with it. Last Thursday in the wee hours of the morning I pulled out of what could have been a major lapse. Well, the next night I was super close to giving in... I emphasize this as a message to myself to not take my abstinence nor these efforts for granted, and also to celebrate that I stepped back from the brink.
What happened? I had still been struggling with p-subs on TikTok from the previous day, was upset with my wife from earlier- and have been dealing with more serious feelings of resentment- but my daughter was tired and fell asleep on the bed with her mom, and I went to the couch and let her sleep. This gave me time to myself. An hour later after watching some p-subs, I literally decided to watch P, and probably PMO. I went to pee first. When I came back, and sought to get online via my phone, the internet was down...!
This was just a case of it being spotty in our home (?) at the time, or maybe too many people were online at the time (?), or whatever- and I knew that if I persevered, I would have internet connection again, and could try again. However, I took it as a sign that God 'made a way of escape' like He promises to for those under heavy temptation (1Cor 10:13). So, I opened my Bible app, and listened to that instead as I went to sleep.
Despite my close calls, I'm feeling and doing better. I was not obsessive yesterday, and deleted more follows and likes on the new platform, and feel hopeful that I can make it a useful tool as even IG, FB, and YT are for me.
PMO > 53 days
P > 52 days
MO > 35 days
So far in the month of February there are 0x episodes of any red-line behaviors. And so far this year I've not viewed any P, or PMO'd. So far I've left all that behind in 2021...
But this was almost not the case! As I reported above, ever since I installed TikTok, I've struggled with it. Last Thursday in the wee hours of the morning I pulled out of what could have been a major lapse. Well, the next night I was super close to giving in... I emphasize this as a message to myself to not take my abstinence nor these efforts for granted, and also to celebrate that I stepped back from the brink.
What happened? I had still been struggling with p-subs on TikTok from the previous day, was upset with my wife from earlier- and have been dealing with more serious feelings of resentment- but my daughter was tired and fell asleep on the bed with her mom, and I went to the couch and let her sleep. This gave me time to myself. An hour later after watching some p-subs, I literally decided to watch P, and probably PMO. I went to pee first. When I came back, and sought to get online via my phone, the internet was down...!
This was just a case of it being spotty in our home (?) at the time, or maybe too many people were online at the time (?), or whatever- and I knew that if I persevered, I would have internet connection again, and could try again. However, I took it as a sign that God 'made a way of escape' like He promises to for those under heavy temptation (1Cor 10:13). So, I opened my Bible app, and listened to that instead as I went to sleep.
Despite my close calls, I'm feeling and doing better. I was not obsessive yesterday, and deleted more follows and likes on the new platform, and feel hopeful that I can make it a useful tool as even IG, FB, and YT are for me.
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Quick check in...
As long and as often as I need to post about the above issue regarding the new social media platform, so be it.
I know I will find my equanimity concerning this platform, but it is highly important to make useful to me....
Along that front, I am doing better I feel. I do have a couple follows that could be problamatic, but I feel that a complete purge would only cause me to obsess, or to see these things as 'bigger than life', which is addictive thinking. My strategy is simply to see people as people, and not as sex-goddesses or whatever. If I can be of help, I will be. If not than not. If I'm in a good headspace, I'll delete this or that.
At the same time, I seek to be 'in the Spirit', which is a term that not all will get- but very important and germane to my faith is that I come at life from a 'higher plane', from a place of victory, of exalting spirit above flesh, and 'reign in life'.
This calls for a deeper consecration, but luckily it's an attainable and sustainable thing because it has nothing to do with 'will power' or self restrictive ascetiscim or self-denial. All those efforts land one flat on their face, typically. Rather, a deeper sanctified walk is possible in the Spirit, available to me whenever I want it.
As long and as often as I need to post about the above issue regarding the new social media platform, so be it.
I know I will find my equanimity concerning this platform, but it is highly important to make useful to me....
Along that front, I am doing better I feel. I do have a couple follows that could be problamatic, but I feel that a complete purge would only cause me to obsess, or to see these things as 'bigger than life', which is addictive thinking. My strategy is simply to see people as people, and not as sex-goddesses or whatever. If I can be of help, I will be. If not than not. If I'm in a good headspace, I'll delete this or that.
At the same time, I seek to be 'in the Spirit', which is a term that not all will get- but very important and germane to my faith is that I come at life from a 'higher plane', from a place of victory, of exalting spirit above flesh, and 'reign in life'.
This calls for a deeper consecration, but luckily it's an attainable and sustainable thing because it has nothing to do with 'will power' or self restrictive ascetiscim or self-denial. All those efforts land one flat on their face, typically. Rather, a deeper sanctified walk is possible in the Spirit, available to me whenever I want it.
I have a new motto that I can apply for the rest of my life, and certainly when I'm tempted:
Holiness not loneliness!
This phrase is in line with my faith, but it also speaks deeper to include both my aspirations and the root causes for my lust-driven issues.
My male design comes with a strong sex-drive, which is given not only to encourage propagation of the species, but to also draw me closer to God.
"Deep calleth unto deep..." - Psalms 42:7a.
This is the true situation, and when I'm tempted to lust after a woman's beauty in public, or am driven to 'drink my fill' of lust on social media, or to seek for pleasure in P, PMO or MO, it is only because I'm deep down hungry and thirsty for God. Over the years I've mistaken this drive for a hunger after other things, and these in turn became habits and later addictions, but all the while my true thirst was for the Living Water only He provides.
Knowing, too, that my longing for love, intimacy and affection (yes, even after being married!) is all in truth a longing for Him!
This then is a commitment to turn to God whenever I hunger or thirst after beauty, love or pleasure. He provides to me that state of holiness in Himself and what He accomplished for me, and all my turning is a remembrance of that which is rightfully mine by grace, despite all my previous- or even current failures.
Holiness not loneliness!
This phrase is in line with my faith, but it also speaks deeper to include both my aspirations and the root causes for my lust-driven issues.
My male design comes with a strong sex-drive, which is given not only to encourage propagation of the species, but to also draw me closer to God.
"Deep calleth unto deep..." - Psalms 42:7a.
This is the true situation, and when I'm tempted to lust after a woman's beauty in public, or am driven to 'drink my fill' of lust on social media, or to seek for pleasure in P, PMO or MO, it is only because I'm deep down hungry and thirsty for God. Over the years I've mistaken this drive for a hunger after other things, and these in turn became habits and later addictions, but all the while my true thirst was for the Living Water only He provides.
Knowing, too, that my longing for love, intimacy and affection (yes, even after being married!) is all in truth a longing for Him!
This then is a commitment to turn to God whenever I hunger or thirst after beauty, love or pleasure. He provides to me that state of holiness in Himself and what He accomplished for me, and all my turning is a remembrance of that which is rightfully mine by grace, despite all my previous- or even current failures.
Artemus
Active Member
Your post is both profound and wise, thank you for sharing it. Holiness indeed.
Thank you, Artemus. Hope you're doing well.
End of the Month Report > February 2022:
In the month of February there were 0x lapses that occurred concerning P, PMO or MO. This is hopeful toward my goal of stringing together multiple 0x's month after month.
Currently there are 61, and 62 days since P and PMO occurred, and there are 43 days since my last episode of MO.
But this was almost not the case. While my victory over Instagram was still in the air, I added TikTok to the social media platforms on which I minister, and yes, seek entertainment. Since adding this platform, it's literally been back-and-forth tug-o-war with p-subs, and to a lesser extent, edging. There were two nights where I came very close to crossing my red-line behaviors (P, PMO, MO).
First night I actually looked up terms and did searches, and went to a couple of sites! Normally, this would've been an automatic reset for me, but I didn't watch anything. I was able to talk myself out of it. So, I didn't count this against myself.
Second night, 1 or 2 nights later, I had literally decided I was going to P and/or PMO after a bit of edging. I went to first pee, come back, and then was to do it. But the internet was being spotty or was literally down at that exact time! This I took to be a sign of the Lord's help in overcoming this temptation. And so I again avoided crossing my red-lines.
This could appear (to me) as a technical win, a 'white-knuckling', but I'm not constantly pining away wishing I could PMO. Most times I'm okay, and not thinking about it. My back-and-forth has truly been that, like a massive tug-o-war between my former habits and the new person I seek to be. And each time I make moves toward restricting and/or changing my habits concerning social media- TikTok in this case- they are nonetheless real moves- even if I end up undong and then redoing them...!
Going forward, I'm making a major change.
Normally I'll look at the phone in the mornings when I get up, but not when I'm getting ready. Instead I'll read a book. Then at night, as I'm getting ready for bed, I'll look at the phone again. And of course if I will as I need to throughout the day.
But now I'm to only look at it in the morning when I get up, but not as I'm preparing for sleep. I'll read at that time, also. Besides that, only as needed during the day. This may not sound like much, but it will be a major chunk where my brain will not be engaged with IG, TT, YT, etc...
I'm very hopeful in that I've not crossed those red-lines during this month, and that I'm still on point toward being 100% successful toward my current 90 day period.
In the month of February there were 0x lapses that occurred concerning P, PMO or MO. This is hopeful toward my goal of stringing together multiple 0x's month after month.
Currently there are 61, and 62 days since P and PMO occurred, and there are 43 days since my last episode of MO.
But this was almost not the case. While my victory over Instagram was still in the air, I added TikTok to the social media platforms on which I minister, and yes, seek entertainment. Since adding this platform, it's literally been back-and-forth tug-o-war with p-subs, and to a lesser extent, edging. There were two nights where I came very close to crossing my red-line behaviors (P, PMO, MO).
First night I actually looked up terms and did searches, and went to a couple of sites! Normally, this would've been an automatic reset for me, but I didn't watch anything. I was able to talk myself out of it. So, I didn't count this against myself.
Second night, 1 or 2 nights later, I had literally decided I was going to P and/or PMO after a bit of edging. I went to first pee, come back, and then was to do it. But the internet was being spotty or was literally down at that exact time! This I took to be a sign of the Lord's help in overcoming this temptation. And so I again avoided crossing my red-lines.
This could appear (to me) as a technical win, a 'white-knuckling', but I'm not constantly pining away wishing I could PMO. Most times I'm okay, and not thinking about it. My back-and-forth has truly been that, like a massive tug-o-war between my former habits and the new person I seek to be. And each time I make moves toward restricting and/or changing my habits concerning social media- TikTok in this case- they are nonetheless real moves- even if I end up undong and then redoing them...!
Going forward, I'm making a major change.
Normally I'll look at the phone in the mornings when I get up, but not when I'm getting ready. Instead I'll read a book. Then at night, as I'm getting ready for bed, I'll look at the phone again. And of course if I will as I need to throughout the day.
But now I'm to only look at it in the morning when I get up, but not as I'm preparing for sleep. I'll read at that time, also. Besides that, only as needed during the day. This may not sound like much, but it will be a major chunk where my brain will not be engaged with IG, TT, YT, etc...
I'm very hopeful in that I've not crossed those red-lines during this month, and that I'm still on point toward being 100% successful toward my current 90 day period.
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D
Deleted member 27008
Guest
Congratulations on your progress. I hope it turns into a no-pmo series that will last forever, no longer expressed in days.
Indeed. Thank you, Resurrection.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I like what I'm seeing, man. What you're doing is working. 
I like what I'm seeing, man. What you're doing is working.
Thank you, Escape! Things have definitely improved for me...
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I can definitely see that.