How Shall We Escape?

[Phineas 808]

I have changed my 6 core questions into just 4, which I should be able to ask myself each week or so. The questions themselves may change, at least one or more, if I find a better or more fundamental one to ask.

Where am I now?

I am now 31 days free from P, PMO and MO.

I hit a 30 day mini-goal, which is now set at 40 days. This is a new strategy (inspired by another rebooter) where I set little mini-goals just in front of my reach, kind of like putting steps in front of you. This isn't a far reaching 'abstinence challenge' where I'm after a huge goal, though I do have a set number of days envisioned where I'll cease setting mini-goals. And the 'stronger' I feel, I can even space out the mini-goals a little farther.

I had lapsed at the end of May (5/30 > P), and then again in the beginning of June (6/2 > PMO). So my recent streaks look like this:

64 days > 3 days > current day count.

Say, wasn't ths around the time I was to stop counting and even move on from RN ? My thinking: Having lapsed, I kind of just sped up my plans which I was going to enact after gaining another streak of 3 or 4 months. So, when my lapse kind of just 'hit me' out of the blue, as it were- totally unexpected- I was to just do what I know to do, and move on. But, I may yet do that after I hit my 3 or 4 month goals.

Am I being earnest and diligent in my approach?

I am currently. Yesterday was my free-day for social media, and I was careful as to the content, even seeking to change the algorithms of, say, TikTok. I still post to social media throughout the week for my businesses and/or ministry, and am careful to not get 'hit out of the blue'. Being mindful, and knowing oneself are key here. Whether one lapses or not is all from within themselves, and we can't blame outside forces like 'the internet'. While we don't set ourselves up for failure, we take back our power by saying, 'No' even when we have the liberty to say, 'Yes'. Withuot that chance, we don't really grow.

How did you cope with negative emotions or stress?

This has become a very important issue for me in realizing that all my recent struggles, even within the past week where on Tues and Wed there were p-subs and a little edging, were directly tied to earlier negative emotions. I've not (even to this day!) developed adequate coping methods for when the stresses of life come, or negative emotional states arise. In fact, these maladaptive behaviors are almost a 'go to', and I need to change that. So, not very well.

But I am challenging myself to not tolerate negative emotional states. I know anger, sadness, and even stress (which is anxiety or fear) are 'helpful' emotional states that can work for us if we know how, but I try to bring myself into a more positive state if it doesn't make sense as to why I feel thus and so.

How were deeper needs fulfilled?

For now it makes sense to have this as a separate question, emotions are reactions or states of experience indirectly brought about by our focus, thought processes, and our reactions to outward/inward phenomenon. Needs are different, they're hungers and thirsts that arise from either our spirit, soul (psychological aspect) or our body. Remember the H.A.L.T. acronym used in recovery circles?

Needs being neglected in childhood became major drivers of my own addiction, such as emotional neglect and abuse, as well as rejection. This was at the core home-life level, as well as being bullied in school. Nonetheless, how are these deeper needs being met today? To offset these, or have them legitimately fulfilled is to redirect them from being met through the maladaptive behaviors of P, PMO, or MO.

There were a couple of times this past week where I litterally had to 'snap myself out of' obsessing concerning p-subs, and I knew that I hadn't been faitful in this before, but I addressed my needs by disrupting my actions. I set a timer for when I was obsessing, and I even did some internet searches for 'fovorite fetishes' (but without thumbnail images being seen). The timers disrupted my behavior until I could make better choices. Again, one night obsessing on p-subs, I set it aside, and prayed in tongues in my office until the urges passed. One of my principles for myself is to meet these needs spiritually, to 'drink of the Lord' when I feel this thirst- hopefully before it goes into obsessive behavior. It felt good to work it out this way, and see these deeper needs met through that Living Water that's even Deeper still.

Special Question # 20. Is recovery or sobriety my number one priority?

This is an important question to ask, and it's easy to glibly say, 'Yes, of course!' But is it my number one priority? Now this is a tricky thing, because we don't want to make it an obession- or we don't want to be hyper-vigilant, or white-knuckling in our approach. 'Set it and forget it' ought to be our motto- but the setting of it is to be our number one priority.

Our physical, mental and spiritual health ought to be of primary importance, as everything else flows out of these. And recovering, actually recoverying from these maladaptive behaviors is a big part of this. To just accept that, 'Well, I'm addicted...' and yet not try to end it, break out of it, is to give up... As humans (note to myself) is to always make progress, to keep growing. The opposite of this is, of course, death or dying.

To answer my question, Yes. It is, and complacency I think, is also opposite to this. I don't feel complacent now. And not identifying oneself with the addiction keeps a healthy balance- like, 'I'm doing what's necessary to be healthier in this area, but it's only one part of my overall life, and I can set it, and then go on living life to the full.'

 

[Phineas 808]

So- wife went out of town... She went camping without me. She sprung it on me out of nowhere, and I really wasn't in the headspace. Without wasting time on why I didn't go (not much of a camper), that's not the issue.

Her doing an overnighter anywhere has typically, historically been a 'high-risk' scenario for me going years back. But a lot has changed since the earlier days: I no longer cruise for prostitutes when she's gone (ended 1994), I no longer go to adult bookstores (ended 2003). My struggles now are whether I will find a way to watch nudity on T.V. (I could just access the internet on the bigscreen), or go into my office to watch things on the pc (when daughter's also out of town), or as is more likely, just watch P on my iPhone.

While I no longer obsess to where I miss a whole night of sleep, or go back and forth all night, I don't have a good track-record regarding this. Sometimes it's just that I struggled a little, or p-subs were involved, or m'd without the o, or I'll take time and have a 'decent session' of full on P, PMO. But, there was a time summers ago (back in 2015 or 16) when all I did was listen to an audio file, stopped, and went back to sleep. This was very purposeful, vigilant. Will I do even better now?

This time of obsession has been deemed by me to be very similar to OCD (except for the pleasure factor) that I've gone and studied that as a way to understand my own addiction. Last night, in preparation for the next 2 or 3 nights, I watched videos on OCD and mindfulness.

One thing I will say, and I know not all will understand it, is that what will help to offset obsession is 'radical grace'- that is to say, That even if I do lapse to P, PMO, or MO in the next few nights, have to reset my count to 0, that I am loved and forgiven by God. God has already forgiven me of ALL of my sins: past, present and future. While this may sound like the perfect excuse, this would only be due to not understanding grace. It is more akin to the concept of 'radical acceptance' so important in mindfulness. I've literally undermined near lapses in the past by saying to myself while tempted, "Okay, even if I do X, Y, or Z, God has already forgiven me of that sin and has made me righteous as a free gift."

Now, I'm not saying all this to excuse myself should I lapse, but to nip this thing in the bud. A while back I've prepared an Overnighter Action Plan for such a time as this.

Also, in just a week I'll be celebrating my next mini-goal of 40 days, and I plan to make it.

 

[EarthWalker]

Maybe go camping yourself with a friend or visit an out of town friend? Make a road trip yourself?

 

[Phineas 808]

Maybe go camping yourself with a friend or visit an out of town friend? Make a road trip yourself?

Thank you, EW! Great advice (except for the camping part, lol...). I may just do that in September, as my wife will go to the East Coast with her family.. Though, if I go on a trip for myself (as good as that may be), it will create a faux pas in her mind, where I didn't go with her- but what? I went with myself??

 

[Phineas 808]

Here's a follow up report to the declared issue above, the wife being out of town (night 1).

All went well. I enjoyed a couple drinks in the backyard, smoked a cigar, talked to a good friend of mine and went to bed around 1:00 am. I awoke around 2:50 am for the restroom. Here's what was weird is I had 'the shakes'- I wouldn't classify them as near convulsions (I've had those, too), but it was like, "Why am I feeling this way as if I were still a 'hardcore user'?" Does my body remember the cue of my wife being out of town (and the daughter ended up spending the night at her friend's house), and of being all alone, and the hours of obsession and acting out that entails?

There was no edging sessions, no getting up back and forth, I left my phone charging and didn't look up p-subs, and I didn't watch any P. After wanting to edge- or see where it would take me (just a thought/urge to dismiss), I just held off, waited, and fell asleep.

I'll list off my Overnighter Action Plan categories, so as to assess their usefulness.

1. Did I appreciate what starts the obsessing? In the daytime I was pretty much busy with normal life, and my daughter was home most of the time. But there was no intial acting out. By night time I did watch a couple of TikTok's in the backyard, but this did not become an obsession. There was a negative way my wife left, and later during a phone call, but this turned around as I took care of some customers with my daughter.

2. I did appreciate the hours potentially wasted, and slept a good 5 hours given how early I got up.

3. Maybe coming on here nipped potential obsessions in the bud? I did have this consistent thought: "Hold off, just hold off". I tried to not have any judgements for thoughts I had, but accepted them. Waiting out the urge, I think, is a different way to think of dismissing an urge.

4. I did not watch t.v. as I got ready for bed.

5. Did I start and end in the Spirit? I was mindful of God, I didn't avoid as I may have done in the past when I basically was acting out or planning to. Was thankful for my phone call, the time in the backyard.

6. I did not strategically place my phone in my office, but it remained charging on the floor in the bedroom at a little distance from me.

7. I did make a short list, did some things, but wasn't able to make an upcoming video teaching.

8. Was this a better time than the one had in 2015-16? I would say so. I wasn't actively dismissing urges (at least this is how it felt), but was holding off, waiting, until sleep overtook me.

9. The next morning, this morning, I do feel rested-ish, had sleep, have no guilty conscience, no secrets (relating to P), and I'm happy with how I spent my private time.

10. I was able to enjoy alcohol, but was mindful that my inhibitions were lower, and held off... without judgement.

11. The pc was never an issue.

12. It never got to where I had to pray anything through, and I was in fact a little inebriated when I went to bed...

13. Did I create and maintain a sacred space throughout the day-night? Was busy for most of the day, and felt that I was God-conscious while I enjoyed my evening. It wasn't something I had to purposely set out to do, but it was certainly NOT an 'unsacred space' of acting out...

Overall, a success I think. Thankful.

 

[Phineas 808]

The wife being out of town (night 2).

Yesterday was really strange in terms of emotion, energy and distraction. I was 'up and running' well enough, though I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to.

By lunch time (1:00 pm) I was distracted with TikTok, and a little obsessive. But, I set this aside and went to lunch. Had a good time, journaled a little and worked on my art.

I got home, and nothing seemed to come together. I couldn't focus on anything and was distracted by the most mundane of things. I could tell my trajectory of emotions was such that it would culminate in acting out. I knew where this was going. I found myself accusing myself- and I would say, "No. No judgement here, this is all a prelude to acting out." It was really strange, but I just couldn't focus, had low energy, and instead of making my teaching video, I tried to take a nap. This was interrupted, and afterward I was in a low place emotionally.

I also caught myself 'building a case' against others, complaining about this person or that situation. I knew this, too, was a prelude to acting out.

I had enough of it. I thought, "I don't know how to change this" - my emotional state. But, I countered, "Oh, Yes you do..." I did a little jumping up and down to counter the physical fatigue, then I began to pray in tongues and worship. Eventually I could feel energized, and my mood was changed toward a more postive state.

I had a nice relaxing evening. I had another cigar and beer (this time) in the backyard which took me passed 12:00 am. I did see some distracting content, mostly benign, and was able to set this aside without obsessing.

I turned into bed. I purposed to go to sleep. I awoke 1.5 hours later and had the shakes again(!). I had the thought that I could have a good 2 hour session of looking up stuff, and P, PMO. I didn't try to directly fight this, but got my phone and watched some TikTok videos. But I could see it from a different perspective, either how vain the person was- and wasn't caught up in their 'sexiness' (despite having urges)- and I was able to 'step outside of myself'- objectively- and saw: was I seriously trying to emotionally or sexually connect with 2-dimensional images on a phone? I thought about this existential oddity in contrast to real-life connection, with another human being, with life itself. I set this aside and went to sleep. The time duration for this was probably 10 minutes max.

Here's the thing: I slept with the phone and earphones in my bed without taking this to P or PMO! I didn't spend hours going back-and-forth, I didn't watch P with multiple tabs open (as on Nov 7)! I didn't edge, didn't continue with p-subs. I slept through the night.

What was the difference this time around?

1. Earlier- perhaps due to violating my abstinence (AVE), the physical tiredness, the emtional states > and 1) recognizing these as being a part of a greater 'ritual' toward acting out; and 2) actively changing my mood and physical state toward a more positive and happier mood.

2. Being non-judgmental toward myself, even if there was a 'slip' or violation of my 'rules'. Just accepting myself, radical acceptance.

3. Waiting, or holding off between cue, urge and acting on it. Giving myself space for a different outcome, but not in a forced tug-of-war type of fight. No resistance, but non-judgmentally waiting...

4. Coming here earlier to write about it, offsetting any 'secretive' acting out- to 'come into the light' in anticipating what was to come.

5. Having my mini-goal, and wanting to not reset to 0, but accepting that as a possibility.

6. Wanting to come on here the next day with a 'good report'.

7. Overall mindfulness, compassion toward oneself, radical acceptance, exploring that space between cue/urges and acting on them.

I deem it a success, no fault. I doubt there will be a night 3, but we'll see. Be well, All.

 

[Phineas 808]

 

[Phineas 808]

The wife out of town (night 3). Yes, this was unexpected, as I didn't think I would come on here to post this morning.

I noticed that once I learned (late in the day) that she was to stay over for yet another night, there was some kind of reaction that took it personally. This was all a feeling, and it was probably a projection on my part, but there is some background noise that gives this an emotional tinge.

I was planning that, if there were a third night, to just have a 'normal' evening without any extras. Also, I'm tired from her vacation (ironic, no?).

So how did I do? This evening turned out to be the most challenging of the 3, and while not picture perfect, ended well and was a win. I am still on track to hit my next mini-goal of 40 days.

There was an approach toward t.v. that was part of the [old] ritual, and I let it be what it was. The content, while potentially exciting, wasn't. I knew when to get out and turn it off. But this was contrary to my stated 'rule' of no t.v. before bed in my Overnighter Action Plan.

I did go to sleep right away for an hour, and the first struggle occurred (1:00 am). It was obsessive, but then after a while I set the phone aside and prayed it through in tongues. I went back to sleep for two hours.

Awoke and struggled again (4:00 am). This time I was almost- I say, almost- convinced that I was going to look up P, and/or PMO. It was interesting, though, because once the feed was on benign videos (as I didn't do any obsessive searches), I was okay with it, and it gave me pause to redirect my focus. I knew to pray it through again, but this time to not simply pray about this, but to pray against it (some may know what this means). And to play the audio-Bible on my phone (Psalms) and just listen to that as I fell asleep.

I slept the rest of the way without further incident. Toward the above, there was no P, PMO or MO. Despite orange-line behaviors, no fault.

A deeper analysis of these 3 nights may be forthcoming toward tweeking my Overnighter Action Plan, if needed, and in preparation for this September when my wife will travel to the East Coast.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Mindfulness, it's an occupation isn't it?
One must in a sense separate from oneself. Being a neutral observer puts a whole new perspective on life.
I have been attempting to do this a little more every day. "God", or "Union" allows me to see the underlying network, allows me step back and see my pathetic self. There is "I" and there is "self", and if I separate from self, what do I see?
We are all tapped into the network, the network of life, eternal life, but what does it look like when we are one with it?
The human species is an experiment, an experiment of divine manifestation, created in the "image", but formed of the earth, so we are earth and divinity. Our modern Western society is a BIG part of the problem. Mystics and hermits are no longer revered, because the concept of "insight" no longer matters to people generally. But the merging of the inner with the outer, the oneness with "God", has always been the answer and still is. The methods you describe are practices, and consistent practice has always been key!

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, A. Dan for your comment. In the addiction, one is the opposite of mindful, they are mindless in habit-land. One is reactive rather than purposeful. It is a practice and it takes time to acclimate ourselves to a new way of approaching life.

Meditation, I feel, helps to become more aware, self-aware, and to be mindful in general. The challenge is to be aware of the 'now-moment' and abide there, to find the Self, the I am (without the 'i am this or i am that'), and simply abide as That. I agree with you completely that humanity, made in the divine Image, is a creatural expression of the Creator, or a 'human-replica' of God- but of course so much more than that. I think that Jesus Christ, as the God-man, is a perfect example of what we're all called to be- or challenged to believe, accept, and become aware of.

God became a man so that man may become God. - St. Athanasius.

Mystics and hermits are antithetical to Western Society, and I think that our nature as such- our desire for Oneness, for the Occult (hidden, or secret) was hijacked, warped and became a 'quest' for pornography. It was a craving for love and intimacy found ultimately and solely in God, in True Nature, but distorted through the Western-made perversions of spirituality and the purposeful bastardization of the human meaning into some kind of materialist animal, under 'their' thumb, of course.

Blessings.

 

[Orbiter]

I remember when I quit smoking it had been close to six months free but, due to my city being in lock down for much of that time, I had not been exposed to a situation where people were smoking around me. Once I faced it, I was surprised how strong the pull still was. I think that was because I had not had a chance to both face that situation and change my habit/actions in response, the cue still had, even after that time, so much power to it.

Reading through what you're saying, I feel like what you've been experiencing over the previous few days is very similar to what I experienced that day. This is a deeply ingrained habit that you are not often exposed to and therefore have not had enough opportunities to 'change the script' so to speak of how you respond right?

Perhaps something that we can hang onto here is that, if we make it through this experience, next time WILL be easier because we've not only proven we can but we've changed (if even somewhat) the 'the wife's going away! uh ohhh this is the danger zone where we always act out' narrative that is feeding this urge. The greater benefit of this of course is that you will be free to fully enjoy the time away from your wife.

Perhaps another suggestion might be, once you've made it through this period (which you will) to explore/question if there's a deeper emotional need that is playing into this situation. What does her being away mean to you? What does her leaving you for another day mean to you? Beyond the changes in routine, beyond the time & space you have in your life while she's away.

It struck me at the beginning of this, you writing of experiencing problems/urges which was handled by spending some quality time working with your daughter. I could be wrong but think there's something there that is worth exploring further once you're through the nitty gritty of staying clean through this.

In short, keep up the great work Phineas! Do, act on, use whatever you have to to make it through this period. Don't worry about it being perfect, just make it through. In this struggle lies a very real possibility of freedom, wisdom & growth - perhaps the true reward.

Wishing you well

 

[Phineas 808]

Reading through what you're saying, I feel like what you've been experiencing over the previous few days is very similar to what I experienced that day. This is a deeply ingrained habit that you are not often exposed to and therefore have not had enough opportunities to 'change the script' so to speak of how you respond right?

Perhaps something that we can hang onto here is that, if we make it through this experience, next time WILL be easier because we've not only proven we can but we've changed (if even somewhat) the 'the wife's going away! uh ohhh this is the danger zone where we always act out' narrative that is feeding this urge. The greater benefit of this of course is that you will be free to fully enjoy the time away from your wife.

You captured the gist of my situation, which elsewhere (my Overnighter Action Plan) I refer to as a particular schema that begins to play out, even at the question of her going out of town. You aptly refer to this as a script or a narrative, which is what it is. Some may think, "Oh, how cute, he must love her so much!", no, not the case. I love her, but I do value my alone time. I look forward to this time in healthier ways, too, like you say, to fully enjoy the time away from my wife. And over time, I've gotten better at this. But it is still a major cue- or perhaps 'major' unnecessarily intensifies it?

Exploring the emotional component of this, or its meaning for me, is very important and helpful advice. No doubt it reminds me of how this addiction in general formed in application or externally in my life. The early days (1990's) when I dated my now wife, and the sharing of my particular trauma I endured as a teenager and how she reacted to that, along with the death of my mother at the time (Dec 1992 - Summer 1993) began the secretive double-life, and how that's played out since.

The daughter being there is interesting, our working together. I think at this time I wasn't really playing in to the schema to begin with (?), but her being around and our time together may have given me something I don't normally get. We know we had a fun time together, which we both needed- and alternatively, it could've been stresfful- but it wasn't.

Thank you for your encouragement, Orbiter, and invaluable food for thought, to which I will give more attention in the coming days.

 

[EarthWalker]

I am starting to realize that how we interpret life events is super important. It is not soo much the event(s) that mess us up, but how we interpret them.

The same event can motivate someone to do better can demolish another? Where is the difference? Beliefs and character/mindset/life experience?

I find that spending time alone amplifies things that need to be processed from the past. They just get louder and louder. A great opportunity to identify, locate, and heal, repair and remove.

Hope you have a great weekend Phineas.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, EW! I couldn't agree more! The meaning we give to things, persons, situations or circumstances, especially to the degree we then charge it emotionally, will either mean the happiest or worst moments of our life.

But as humans, we have the power to change meanings, infuse it with a different set of beliefs or new realizations. A traumatic moment is what it is, but given time, it needn't affect us as it once did if we give new meaning or even purpose to the event. Evil will still be evil, but we perhaps reinterpret ourselves and what it means to us now, or how we've grown or changed from that now. How we've overcome...

True also concerning something as benign as one's wife traveling out of town.

Or, even if one lapsed- of course it's a concern as not aligning with our purpose and goals, but for some it's a time of, yes disappointment, but of curiosity and learning, regathering our motivations, refocusing and trying again. A time of self-care, self-love, of believing in oneself, at least daring to.

But for others, it's a time of self-pity, wallowing in the mire as it were, a time of spitting in one's own face if possible, a time of running themselves over a giant cheese grater, or a meat grinder. Hmmm, which one of these two will fair better on their next attempts at abstinence or sobriety?

 

[Phineas 808]

I added a 5th question to my core questions that I should be able to ask weekly or so. I'll reassess frequently whether I'm asking myself the right or most needful of questions. How 'core' are my questions?

Where am I now?

Today I am 38 days free from P, PMO and MO. I am just 2 days shy of my 40 day mini-goal. My next mini-goal will be 50 days.

I'm calm and peaceful this morning, despite marital turbulence yesterday. I'm neither obsessing, nor am I in a ritual. I'm rested and my emotions are equanimous.

Am I being earnest and diligent in my approach?

(I have the previous week or so in mind while posting this) This question encompasses the challenging 3 days of the wife being out of town, what preceded it (not why she left) and what followed it.

There was fighting that preceded her leaving (and how she left was cold-ish in an emotional sense), and that followed her return. Though while she was gone we had good and lengthier than normal conversations (she's usually done talking pretty soon when away).

In lieu of this backdrop of emotional cues, I was fairly earnest and diligent in my approach. I think that this fluctuated somewhat day to day, night to night. The diligence wasn't so much around my rules as they were toward my internal dialogue, and I think this was more important. This is where the battle is either won or lost. If I were to rate each night on a scale of 1 - 10, 10 being the most diligent, and 1 being the most careless and purposeful in seeking out dopamine hits:

Tues = 9.5, Wed = 8, Thurs = 7.5

On her returning, there was no risidual desires to act out, and despite yesterday's fighting, there was a mindfulness of the danger to do so. I did feel that pull, or was aware that this is my 'go to' reaction toward that emotional stimuli, but mindfully redirected that energy or focus.

How did you cope with negative emotions or stress?

What plenty of opportunity there was here! The purpose of this question is to learn new (or healthy) coping methods to replace the maladaptive ones of P, PMO or MO.

I directly addressed negative emotional states and low physical energy levels. I jumped up and down to address the physiological, and utilized my spirit to address my soulical states of being. This was through prayer in the Spirit, or 'tongues'. This completely redirected a definite negative trajectory that would've ended up completing the ritual toward acting out.... Or, it would've been hours of obsessing, going back and forth, losing sleep.

I was very angry yesterday, but kept my calm. I answered in measured and calm tones, using logical and reasonable replies. I was able to be happy (and not fake about it) in front of the daughter who met us for lunch when she arived. I did pull away and keep a distance due to my anger. I did try to listen beyond the (sometimes nonsensical) words, and try and hear her needs. We went to the movies later on, and enjoyed ourselves. It seems better now than it was. As part of a healthy coping strategy, meeting her needs is definitely a part of that. Think holistically, not selfishly.

How were deeper needs fulfilled?

My needs come to the fore when my wife goes out of town for somewhat explored reasons (mother-wounding, neglect, abandonment, rejection, is that how I'm seeing that sub-consciously, even though I'm quite okay and even desirous of her going out of town?).

It was nourishing talking to my good friend (the subject of previous journal entries), laughing, catching up and venting (her to me). It was nourishing to perform that delivery with my daughter, and the good time that was... I made good effort to address the deeper needs of what it means to be home alone, and having a good time in the backyard, cigar, whisky (night 1) and cigar, beer (night 2) is part of that.

Also addressing my needs through prayer and worship as a means of drinking from the Lord when I felt thirsty on a deeper level reflected by sexual appetites, was so, so important.

What are you doing to work toward your future self?

This question is wide in scope as to all it encompasses, but it is laser focused (as it ought to be) for what I must do each day toward my future self. Who is this future-self? He is a man of integrity, a hard worker, a minister of the Gospel full of Holy Ghost power and anointing, he is providing for his family through various 'tent-making' ministries (3 websites that represent different aspects of this), by making money.

I'm working through issues, getting a new website up and running, trying to create or generate leads in one thing (B.W.) and to promote the other thing (A.A.), all in support of the other (L.B.M.).

All this with my wife in the background NOT supporting me, which makes it tough. In myself, I have to ascertain what is profitable and what's a waste of time, and to not give up even with 1,000 doors slammed in my face. But she just sees me NOT making money... And I haven't had her support from day 1 of me transitioning out of my 9 - 5, but it is what it is.

Special Question # 5. How have you connected with friends or family?

Ooh, interesting that this question should come up now... (randomly selected out of 30 possibilities). I was able to connect with my best friend during this alone time, which was very nourishing. And, despite our issues or conflicts, I was able to take my wife to the movies last night and we had a good time. I think that's mostly what she wants is to be with me, to have a good time, despite me not wanting to go camping and all of that...

So, overall good things are happening. I see the value in these questions and the frequency of asking them. I'm so grateful (and humble) that I didn't have to reset during this time- but if I had to, that I'm in a positive trajectory away from this person who I used to be, and am working toward being that man who does not use pornography or masturbation to offset the pains of life.

 

[Blondie]

Insightful as always Phineas.

 

[Phineas 808]

Insightful as always Phineas.

Thank you so much, @Blondie !

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Evil will still be evil

Even that is open to interpretation.
I would say that evil becomes less evil when it is deluded with good. Doing evil with good intentions and vice versa.....
the interplay between the opposites is fascinating and all part of the "big picture", the divine drama
"God" and "good" share the same root in the English/Germanic lineage...what is of God is good, and "God" became "good", but God came first, and I am not sure that "God" is the opposite of evil, except for in our human interpretation as what we "perceive" to be a world of duality....
I must accept good and evil as we interpret them as opposites but both part of life, because one doesn't exist without the other...if one vanishes, then the other ceases to exist altogether, which is impossible, or perhaps becomes a non dual world in which only "God" exists and nothing else, which was the state of the world at some point
Rebellion against the Natural order of things could be interpreted as "evil", like so many modern human perversions....
How about how we treat "sex"?
Do we have any idea what we are doing? I don't think so. Why are we so rebellious? Are we all little "Satans"? Do we think that we are the highest form of intelligence? Here we are on this spinning planet floating through the universe, buzzing around like bees around a beehive. It's crazy.
But we have the ability to contemplate this, despite our earthly desires; we have the ability to connect to the divine and independent of desire through Spiritual practice. I think the charismatic "Paul of Tarsus" talked about this a little....he recommended abstaining from sexual activity to devote your life to Spiritual practice.
Quite honestly, when you take the sexual tension away from relationships, it makes things easier. I remember once a female friend I had when I was 18 or so, told me that if we had sex it would ruin our friendship, and we never did have sex, and I watched her go through a great deal of "boyfriends". I think that was a real friendship, and in hindsight, I appreciate it.
Even though my wife moved out and even though we haven't had sex in four years, I have not "moved on" to another sex partner, even though I fantasized about it. So, now I am choosing to eliminate the sexual fantasies. What is this doing to my relationship to my wife? Actually, it's improving it, and I don't want to go back to the way things were, ever.
I am building a life around "monk mode". A new identity, a new "world view".
I enjoy your thread, because you are thoughtful and Spiritual in your approach.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, A.D. for your comments, and am grateful for our interactions. I get to talk about things I don't normally get to in this forum, and it has the benefits of taking our recovery efforts to a deeper spiritual and even mystical level...

For evil, it was a reference to trauma. I appreciate your point and my view on evil, whether it's moral evil (sin) or natural evil (the edge of a knife), is that it's relative in certain respects. Is it a lie if I'm protecting the Jews from the Nazis? Is it a 'dangerous cliff' if I never walk to the edge?

My views on evil are more metaphysical that it doesn't truly exist, or- that it is nothingness in an absolute sense, absolute privation and non-being. You're right, evil is not the opposite of God: for one, that would infuse 'evil' with an existence it doesn't have; for another, it would limit God to a duality to which He doesn't belong.

All that is evil in the world, for an example I'll refer to those who (unfortunately) hurt children, which I sat as a juror recently in convicting a pedo. The harming of a child for selfish reasons is a nothingness in that it serves one's selfish pleasures in denial of life, in denial of true Being. One's fleeting pleasures (a nothingness) is elevated above the intrinsic and infinite value of a child's wellbeing as a human being, and hence an immoral choice toward nothingness and privation over and above the good of the child and the universe to which he/she belongs.

That segues into the issue of our own sexuality. There's two (at least) versions of us: the one we live out existentially day to day and the other that exists metaphysically, a perfect us, (here's the ubermensch, lol!). The one is relatively existent/non-existent and lives in a world of shadows, often blinded by misguided and self-created, societally conditioned illusions and delusions. The other is rooted in God/Christ-Logos, and is the truest self. It is you as God knew you in pre-temporal eternity. To live in such a way that serves the fleeting pleasures of our existential self contrary to our highest good, which is after our metaphysical truth and identity, is to serve evil, to engender an evil that works against us.

Blessings.

 

[Phineas 808]

Here is my weekly check-in.

Where am I now?

I am currently 45 days free from P, PMO, and MO.

I hit my 40 day mini-goal last Tuesday, and my next mini-goal will be 50 days.

I'm equanimous, albeit under the weather due to a cold (I don't think it's related to a lab ). I am getting on, and feel like I'm resting and hydrating.

I feel hopeful that I'm making a true go of my recovery, that my streak is substantial and can continue into triple-digit territory, though we're but half-way to that. This could be my 'lengthy streak' for the year, and hopefully carry over into 2023.

Am I being earnest and diligent in my approach?

I feel that I am. Yesterday was my free-day for social media, where I allow myself to be entertained. Algorithms are still what they are on TitkTok, and so I get the users who communicate their message physically, if you catch my drift. I did have a user come up that I would've obsessed over had I not just followed her (for now?). There may be 2 - 3 users like that...

My thinking is between being overly restrictive and actually working with stimuli in a way that tells me that I'm in control. This is in the spirit of ERP or exposure therapy.

Sure enough, I'd have user-x or user-y come up, but I'd look at it from a different perspective. I was mindful when or if the user's video was illiciting an urge to obsess on it in any way.

How did you cope with negative emotions or stress?

I would catch negative self-talk, like everytime I'd say, "I hate it when....". I either change that to 'strongly dislike' or analyize why I'm feeling so negative. So, trying to redirect my feelings into more positive territory is key. I'm challenging myself to enjoy the short time we have here on earth, not being so negative or down, but enjoying this gift called 'life'.

How were deeper needs fulfilled?

My wife and I made love last week, so that was good. So many times I shut her down, by not allowing Ol' Willy to awaken- what, am I asexual when it comes to my wife?? I feel that way most times, but I went with it this time (as she usually initiates it). And we had a good time.

I didn't feel obsessive at any time this past week. How about in public? I don't have a strong draw toward any one woman, just all of them, lol... I don't think I obsessed over any? But this may be a matter of opportunity?

I did key in on a talk-show host on T.V., and was taken aback by her beauty- but was she even really that beautiful? I need to be mindful of these issues. I did 'cheat' a little on my social media routine, and I knew I needed a little 'pick-me-up'. But because I was under the weather, I allowed this. It never became obsessive or p-subs.

What are you doing to work toward your future self?

Continuing to work on B and C, but not wanting to neglect A. Thankfully, I worked on that. I did have a video that I couldn't move off my phone (state of the art, right?), and will have to reteach it... so that sucked. It seemed that strange challenges would arise concerning my efforts toward my future self, but, anything worthwhile is going to be a struggle, right? Not giving up, and hopeful. I'm seeing hopeful signs. A young lady wants me to baptize her in a river, so that's special. And yesterday I shipped off an item, and also contributed to the household by doing jury duty, lol... I almost expected not to be paid, lol..., so grateful to be a part of the justice system when called upon.

So, little signs of life. And I'm grateful.

Special Question #8. What are your long-term/short-term goals?

Again, interesting that this question comes up, given the above statements. These questions are in the spirit of this quote:

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. - Socrates *

*Character from Way of the Peaceful Warrior, by Dan Millman

In that spirit, my long-term goals are to be fruitful toward God, to be used by Him to preach and teach the Gospel. To be anointed to where it shifts spiritual atmospheres, and things are affected on earth. To be a blessing...

In the short-term, I'm working on two or three 'tent-making ministries' that will go to support the longer term vision. These are referred to as B and C above, whereas A is the main enchilada. I'm seeing signs of good things, but must continue to work hard to bring about the life that I want to provide to my family and myself, so that I'm freed up to pursue my actual calling.

You can see why P, PMO and MO are antithetical to my goals. It's not who I am, really. Thoughts become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, and character becomes destiny. So, the unwanted behaviors, beause they seek to poison who I am on a cellular level, are the biggest threats to my dreams.