I have changed my 6 core questions into just 4, which I should be able to ask myself each week or so. The questions themselves may change, at least one or more, if I find a better or more fundamental one to ask.
Where am I now?
I am now
31 days free from P, PMO and MO.
I hit a
30 day mini-goal, which is now set at
40 days. This is a new strategy (inspired by another rebooter) where I set little mini-goals just in front of my reach, kind of like putting steps in front of you. This isn't a far reaching 'abstinence challenge' where I'm after a huge goal, though I do have a set number of days envisioned where I'll cease setting mini-goals. And the 'stronger' I feel, I can even space out the mini-goals a little farther.
I had lapsed at the end of May (5/30 >
P), and then again in the beginning of June (6/2 >
PMO). So my recent streaks look like this:
64 days >
3 days >
current day count.
Say, wasn't ths around the time I was to stop counting and even move on from RN
? My thinking: Having lapsed, I kind of just sped up my plans which I was going to enact after gaining another streak of 3 or 4 months. So, when my lapse kind of just 'hit me' out of the blue, as it were- totally unexpected- I was to just do what I know to do, and move on. But, I may yet do that after I hit my 3 or 4 month goals.
Am I being earnest and diligent in my approach?
I am currently. Yesterday was my free-day for social media, and I was careful as to the content, even seeking to change the algorithms of, say, TikTok. I still post to social media throughout the week for my businesses and/or ministry, and am careful to not get 'hit out of the blue'. Being mindful, and knowing oneself are key here. Whether one lapses or not is all from within themselves, and we can't blame outside forces like 'the internet'. While we don't set ourselves up for failure, we take back our power by saying, 'No' even when we have the liberty to say, 'Yes'. Withuot that chance, we don't really grow.
How did you cope with negative emotions or stress?
This has become a very important issue for me in realizing that all my recent struggles, even within the past week where on Tues and Wed there were p-subs and a little edging, were directly tied to earlier negative emotions. I've not (even to this day!) developed adequate coping methods for when the stresses of life come, or negative emotional states arise. In fact, these maladaptive behaviors are almost a 'go to', and I need to change that. So, not very well.
But I am challenging myself to not tolerate negative emotional states. I know anger, sadness, and even stress (which is anxiety or fear) are 'helpful' emotional states that can work for us if we know how, but I try to bring myself into a more positive state if it doesn't make sense as to why I feel thus and so.
How were deeper needs fulfilled?
For now it makes sense to have this as a separate question, emotions are reactions or states of experience indirectly brought about by our focus, thought processes, and our reactions to outward/inward phenomenon. Needs are different, they're hungers and thirsts that arise from either our spirit, soul (psychological aspect) or our body. Remember the H.A.L.T. acronym used in recovery circles?
Needs being neglected in childhood became major drivers of my own addiction, such as emotional neglect and abuse, as well as rejection. This was at the core home-life level, as well as being bullied in school. Nonetheless, how are these deeper needs being met today? To offset these, or have them legitimately fulfilled is to redirect them from being met through the maladaptive behaviors of P, PMO, or MO.
There were a couple of times this past week where I litterally had to 'snap myself out of' obsessing concerning p-subs, and I knew that I hadn't been faitful in this before, but I addressed my needs by disrupting my actions. I set a timer for when I was obsessing, and I even did some internet searches for 'fovorite fetishes' (but without thumbnail images being seen). The timers disrupted my behavior until I could make better choices. Again, one night obsessing on p-subs, I set it aside, and prayed in tongues in my office until the urges passed. One of my principles for myself is to meet these needs spiritually, to 'drink of the Lord' when I feel this thirst- hopefully before it goes into obsessive behavior. It felt good to work it out this way, and see these deeper needs met through that Living Water that's even Deeper still.
Special Question # 20. Is recovery or sobriety my number one priority?
This is an important question to ask, and it's easy to glibly say, 'Yes, of course!' But is it my number one priority? Now this is a tricky thing, because we don't want to make it an obession- or we don't want to be hyper-vigilant, or white-knuckling in our approach. 'Set it and forget it' ought to be our motto- but the setting of it is to be our number one priority.
Our physical, mental and spiritual health ought to be of primary importance, as everything else flows out of these. And recovering, actually recoverying from these maladaptive behaviors is a big part of this. To just accept that, 'Well, I'm addicted...' and yet not try to end it, break out of it, is to give up... As humans (note to myself) is to always make progress, to keep growing. The opposite of this is, of course, death or dying.
To answer my question, Yes. It is, and complacency I think, is also opposite to this. I don't feel complacent now. And not identifying oneself with the addiction keeps a healthy balance- like, 'I'm doing what's necessary to be healthier in this area, but it's only one part of my overall life, and I can set it, and then go on living life to the full.'
