How Shall We Escape?

[Phineas 808]

I almost forgot to mention:

Today is 19 years since I stepped foot in a porno-book store and watched porn or PMO'd while there (x6).

The last time, July 17, 2003, was told to my wife after she unexplainably beat me home from across town (I left a little earlier in a separate car). In my hubris, I though I could go to x-site, get one off really quick, and then beat my wife home. No! She looked so quizzicle that I told her everything (2nd big mistake). This almost ended our marriage, and we had a 6 month old child at the time!

I won't here debate why that was not a good move on my part (none of it), but that in doing so, made the next 10 years or so very challenging.

Well, since then came out the iPhones, and they are a potential 'porno-bookstore' in one's pocket, and that's what we've been dealing with now.

But the good news is that habits can be changed, and though the picture may not yet be perfect, I've made exceptional strides in my life dealing with sex and porn addiction (e.g. no longer cruising for prostitutes, ended 1994).

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Phineas 808 I think I am neurotic, so negativity is very strong in me. I am now practicing CBT and DBT aggressively to counter the negative self talk. It takes practice and I think I am getting better. Also more effort in daily life is making me feel better about myself. Please give CBT and DBT a try. No need to read big text or go for therapy. Just pull off Google summary and start on a bit at a time. Best of luck!

 

[Phineas 808]

Phineas 808, I think I am neurotic, so negativity is very strong in me. I am now practicing CBT and DBT aggressively to counter the negative self talk. It takes practice and I think I am getting better. Also more effort in daily life is making me feel better about myself. Please give CBT and DBT a try. No need to read big text or go for therapy. Just pull off Google summary and start on a bit at a time. Best of luck!

Thank you for your advice, TAN.

I have/do utilize CBT in my various approaches, though I may not necessarily be aware that I'm doing it at this point. But my strategies either come from or mirror that approach.

I'll look more into DBT, as I haven't heard of it until now. I do practice a dialectical approach in other areas or practices in my life.

Blessings.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

@Phineas 808 I think I am neurotic, so negativity is very strong in me. I am now practicing CBT and DBT aggressively to counter the negative self talk. It takes practice and I think I am getting better. Also more effort in daily life is making me feel better about myself. Please give CBT and DBT a try. No need to read big text or go for therapy. Just pull off Google summary and start on a bit at a time. Best of luck!

Porn definitely increases my neuroticism level by a lot.

This is what Wikipedia says:

"In the study of psychology, neuroticism has been considered a fundamental personality trait. For example, in the Big Five approach to personality trait theory, individuals with high scores for neuroticism are more likely than average to be moody and to experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness. Such people are thought to respond worse to stressors and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations, such as minor frustrations, as appearing hopelessly difficult. They are described as often being self-conscious and shy, and tending to have trouble controlling urges and delaying gratification."

This is definitely me when binging PMO.

 

[Phineas 808]

Posting after returning from our 28th wedding anniversary- and depending on how that trip went could color this post. But this is a forum about fixing ourselves, finding change, and not to work out all our marital issues. So, not sure how I'm to post going forward... but here goes...

I am currently 52 days free from P, PMO and MO.

I hit my mini-goal of 50 days last Friday. My next goal is 65 days, 15 days from my previous goal. This number will represent going past a strange wall of 64 days, which I've hit now twice this year. So hitting this goal will mean that I'm currently in the best streak of this year. My best for this year so far hasn't gone past this, and so it's important. My goal is to continue this streak well beyond this into next year 2023, and have that as my next lengthy (and hopefully, my forever) streak.

I am being diligent in my approach. Yesterday was my social media 'free-day', though there wasn't much time for that as we were out of town for our 28th wedding anniversary.

My diligence needs to be such, especially in lieu of our celebration which fell short of expectations, and thus became a source for tension, stress, fighting, accusation, blame, guilt-tripping, and actual guilt.

My wife and I are both getting over [non-lab related >?] flue-like symptoms. So, there's that. We decided to go anyway (mistake?), as we were both feeling a little better. That was all fine, and the trip itself started off okay (we just went about 65 miles max from our home base). But because it wasn't planned out, we kind of 'winged it'- serendipity, right? There were indeed serendipitous moments (a winery, in addition to the wine we bought simply gave us a bottle of wine because it was our anniversary and we were so nice to her). But when we arrived at our destination, there was an ongoing festival (which we didn't know about), but that meant that the rooms were full. We envisioned a b&b, but were to have to settle for a hotel/motel type of room. We found one at a good rate, but she couldn't stay there. It wasn't intimate enough: fair.

Long story short, we both drove home in silence. I knew she was ruminating, building a case of blame against me how this was all my fault.

At this point, there's a lot of fodder I could throw her way, and that's not really my intention. But what a perfect segue into a more meaningful (and helpful to myself) post.

This is not meant as an excuse, but I grew up without a father (he left, or we left him when I was but 4 years of age). This lack of a father figure means that it's very challenging to have direction, to shape, to have initiative, to plan trips- or plan much of anything... Now, I've gotten better at this over the years, but it's been slow going- heck, I'm 55 for crying out loud!

This father-wounding has left me trying to figure out manhood for most of my life, and pornography hasn't been much of a help in regards to that.

I've been enjoying lately the 'super power' of being attractive to women in general, because of my self-control, and my not wasting seed. But there's so much more to rediscovering our manhood or masculinity on the other side of porn-addiction than this attraction, important in its own right. There's being able to step up, take responsibility and blame when things don't quite work out, and being able to plan, to execute, to have vision, to be creative, to love- and this is most important- to love one's wife, one's family. This one is so difficult for me, as I can list 1,000 reasons to not love, to be selfish, to have selfish considerations here. While I'm not to be walked on as a doormat, I'm to have dignity, and self-respect, but love is always selfless and even self-sacrificing.

So, with all those considerations, I have to go forward and figure this out, even when she's standing there- as judge, jury and executioner- wanting to simply freeze-frame me into her neatly built boxes of 'this is how you've always been'.

Addendum: We're being amicable and affectionate this morning, so that's good news.

 

[Blondie]

Hey Phineas, congrats on accomplishing your mini goal of 50 days. Keep it up sir.

Sorry to hear about your trip and how it turned out. These things happen sometimes, but great job on staying clean through it all. Whatever happens, remember this; these emotions will settle down and won't last forever.

You are able to handle this, and porn will not help you in any way.

This father-wounding has left me trying to figure out manhood for most of my life, and pornography hasn't been much of a help in regards to that.

This touched me, because even though I have a father, I still have felt the same way sometimes. Who knows what this means, but I'll have to reflect on it more.

Best

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, @Blondie! I know those are big questions, 'family of origin' type of issues, but so important for longer term healing.

Blessings to you!

 

[Blondie]

I've been enjoying lately the 'super power' of being attractive to women in general, because of my self-control, and my not wasting seed. But there's so much more to rediscovering our manhood or masculinity on the other side of porn-addiction than this attraction, important in its own right. There's being able to step up, take responsibility and blame when things don't quite work out, and being able to plan, to execute, to have vision, to be creative, to love- and this is most important- to love one's wife, one's family.

I really like this.

 

[Phineas 808]

Porn addiction can be envisioned as a 9 headed hydra, such as Heracles had to fight as his 2nd labor. This isn't intended to inflate porn as an undefeatable larger than life force outside of ourselves, but to simply identify the multi-faceted nature of it as a defeatable beast. As we say, 'Know your enemy'- so it is here.

If we see pornography addiction as a 9 headed hydra, what would be its body? What would be its tail or heads?

The body of this addiction is shame, the tail is past traumas, and its “9 heads” (though it could have more or less) are:

1. Secretiveness
2. Narcissism
3. Escapism
4. Isolationism
5. Pride
6. Misogyny
7. Guilt
8. Mindlessness or ignorance
9. Faulty Beliefs

This shows the interconnectedness of the drivers of this addiction. But it is not some all-powerful force 'out there', but that which we've created in our minds through fautly beliefs and repetetive habits.

As the hero in this story, what would be our weapons and armor?

We need the sword of knowledge, the helmet of mindfulness or awareness, and the shield of method, planning or strategy.

Stand in your power, take the sword of knowledge- sharpen it by learning about this addiction, learn about yourself: know thyself. This is how you will cut off the heads of this hydra. Put on the helmet of mindfulness, be aware in the present moment. Be present in the 'now' moment of your life, not mindless in habit-land. And take as your shield whatever methodology works for your life. Those habits that you have in place to replace the unwanted habits, use habit to dismantle the bad habits. This shield may need to be altered and tweeked to best serve you, if this or that doesn't work, try something else- but above all, never ever give up the fight. You are, after all, the hero of this story.

 

[Blondie]

This is great Phineas! I don't even know what to say... really powerful stuff.

I really like the nine heads concept and what those symbolize.

This shield may need to be altered and tweeked to best serve you, if this or that doesn't work, try something else- but above all, never ever give up the fight. You are, after all, the hero of this story.

This.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that we find a method or methods that work for us. I know mine is an amalgam of many things, and that's okay, as long as it works!

Nice job Phineas, beautifully written.

I need to reflect more on the 9 heads and what that means for me.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, Blondie!

Same for me, I have multiple methods from different disciplines- from spirituality to the latest in cutting edge mindfulness tactics. I'm a firm believer in using a multi-discipline approach, whatever works for the individual.

You'll see that among the heads isn't much that's out there, like a bill board with a scantily clad woman on it, or the seedy part of town, or women dressed in summer clothes (which isn't much, lol...!), it's not even necessarily what happened to us at age 5... Each of those 9 heads are subjective 'reactions' to things, or beliefs and perceptions. In one sense we can see how powerful the mind is, that it can create such a problematic dragon in our lives- but at the same time, it's all in our mind and habits. We are what we repeatedly do..., and just as thoughts can dissipate, so too can our self-created dragons be chased away as a bad dream in the night.

Be well, brother!

 

[OrangeSpider]

Porn addiction can be envisioned as a 9 headed hydra, such as Heracles had to fight as his 2nd labor. This isn't intended to inflate porn as an undefeatable larger than life force outside of ourselves, but to simply identify the multi-faceted nature of it as a defeatable beast. As we say, 'Know your enemy'- so it is here.

If we see pornography addiction as a 9 headed hydra, what would be its body? What would be its tail or heads?

The body of this addiction is shame, the tail is past traumas, and its “9 heads” (though it could have more or less) are:

1. Secretiveness
2. Narcissism
3. Escapism
4. Isolationism
5. Pride
6. Misogyny
7. Guilt
8. Mindlessness or ignorance
9. Faulty Beliefs

This shows the interconnectedness of the drivers of this addiction. But it is not some all-powerful force 'out there', but that which we've created in our minds through fautly beliefs and repetetive habits.

As the hero in this story, what would be our weapons and armor?

We need the sword of knowledge, the helmet of mindfulness or awareness, and the shield of method, planning or strategy.

Stand in your power, take the sword of knowledge- sharpen it by learning about this addiction, learn about yourself: know thyself. This is how you will cut off the heads of this hydra. Put on the helmet of mindfulness, be aware in the present moment. Be present in the 'now' moment of your life, not mindless in habit-land. And take as your shield whatever methodology works for your life. Those habits that you have in place to replace the unwanted habits, use habit to dismantle the bad habits. This shield may need to be altered and tweeked to best serve you, if this or that doesn't work, try something else- but above all, never ever give up the fight. You are, after all, the hero of this story.

View attachment 706

This is very good, thank you!

 

[Phineas 808]

@OrangeSpider, you're welcome, brother!

 

[Phineas 808]

Good morning, All. Giving my once-in-a-while and infrequent update or check-in.

I am currently 66 days free from P, PMO, and MO.

This is over 2 months without the unwanted behaviors. And during the month of July there were 0x episodes of P, PMO, or MO.

This ongoing streak is now the longest of the year, with hopes of being extended into next year. This broke through what was one of those strange walls. It is the 3rd time I hit 64 days this year:

1st 64 = 12/30/21 - 3/4/22 > During this time I still had the bad habits (p-subs and edging) that were established since August of last year. Though there was struggle, and intermittent victories, my habits worked against me.

2nd 64 = 3/27/22 - 5/30/22 > This period followed changing my phone habits and creating a social media routine where I allow myself a free day.

3rd 64 = 6/2/22 - Ongoing > It was a concern that I'd come into the same trouble that caused struggle in late May, and so was very cautious during this time, and was mindful as to emotional states. But this 'wall' was passed through with no issues or episodes.

I heard a slogan from the group, The Mindful Habit, which I don't follow too closely: It takes a habit to break a habit.

I couldn't agree more. Changing my phone habits and imposing a social media routine, as well as challenging the content I watch, has been a game changer for me, as it was from day 1 (with deleting Pinterest). Now, coming on to social media 1x a week shows me in stark contrast my former habits versus how I am throughout the week. I'm able to ask myself, 'Why this follow', or I can more readily catch myself if I'm at all acting out through this medium.

If I'm more quiet here on RN going forward, know that I'm not too far away if anyone needs my help. I'm not going away but will enage less and less as I feel that I'm moving on from these struggles, from identifying with them. This will be true, regardless of success or failure. I know what works for me and what I want out of this recovery.

This is not a goodbye, nor am I declaring that I'm 'cured'. I'm very well aware that I could 'turn on a dime', but I also know what freedom looks like, and am hopeful.

 

[Ezel]

Great stuff Phineas, you do you my man.

And whatever happens feel free to come back and share with us your experiences, we really could learn a thing or two from it.

See you around champ...

 

[Phineas 808]

Great stuff freedom, you do you my man.

And whatever happens feel free to come back and share with us your experiences, we really could learn a thing or two from it.

See you around champ...

Thank you, Ezel! There are a handful of users on here that I especially care about, and you're one of them, brother!

That means I pay extra attention, and will be helpful where I can. If you ever need to message me, just reach out.

And I hear your advice, and will share whenever I'm inspired to do so.

Blessings to you!

 

[Blondie]

I'm glad everything is working out for you Phineas.

Always a pleasure seeing your updates.

Onward!

 

[Phineas 808]

Good morning, All.

Coming on, occasionally only as the need- or wish- arises.

I'm doing well. I'm not currently obsessing. My overall arch is upward toward progress, healing and leaving these behaviors behind.

I still follow my schedule toward social media being 1x a week, except I'm posting to my various platforms for either business or ministry. I still have to be careful, mindful as to content- even on my 'free-day'. I do find myself allowing for exceptions (to coming on), but I also remind myself how I need to be somewhat strict in this area, as to fall back into old social media or phone habits is unacceptable.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. If at all I find myself in a downward slide, upset, angry, sad or depressed, if it no longer makes sense to carry the feelings on (because even our negative feelings have a purpose), then I'll change my physiology, my focus, and my self-talk > whatever will alter my state.

My approach for years now has been kind of inbetween two schools of thought concerning habit change or overcoming an addiction:

1. The will-power, grit your teeth, white-knuckled all-or-nothing approach; and

2. The non-will power, mindfulness, and a radical acceptance (coupled with a radical grace) approach.

Sometimes the differences are subtle, and sometimes the one approach can help the other- or at least appear to. The first approach gives you the illusion that you're in control, whereas the other one is deeper and more subtle, and it relies not so much on behavior ultimately as it does on layers of insight, understanding and knowing.

As such my approach now looks like this:

1. I no longer count days.

2. I no longer set goals.

3. I no longer track lapses (summer 2023). There is therefore no 'Day 0'.

4. In the event of a lapse, I learn as much as I can from the experience, and go on, infusing it with as little meaning as possible. Admittedly, this sounds contradictory. It has meaning as a behavior or occurrence, but as to who I am, or what it means for my identity, it means nothing.

6. There is no day 0 in lieu of a lapse, and hence, no resetting (the ammendment to no. 3 makes this statement more true).

7. I still dismiss urges, and this includes thoughts that lead up to it as being from the lower brain.

8. Overall, I don't think about it, and this is why to minimize interacting on RN: to no longer identify with the unwanted behaviors.

9. At the same time, I do appreciate being able to utilize a forum where anonymity is a safe place to work out our thoughts as we become new people.

 

[EarthWalker]

Keep it up brother. Onwards and upwards!

 

[Phineas 808]

Keep it up brother. Onwards and upwards!

Thank you, EW! Your encouragement means everything. Blessings!