How Shall We Escape?

[Phineas 808]

Good morning, All.

Coming on, occasionally only as the need- or wish- arises.

I'm doing well. I'm not currently obsessing. My overall arch is upward toward progress, healing and leaving these behaviors behind.

I still follow my schedule toward social media being 1x a week, except I'm posting to my various platforms for either business or ministry. I still have to be careful, mindful as to content- even on my 'free-day'. I do find myself allowing for exceptions (to coming on), but I also remind myself how I need to be somewhat strict in this area, as to fall back into old social media or phone habits is unacceptable.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. If at all I find myself in a downward slide, upset, angry, sad or depressed, if it no longer makes sense to carry the feelings on (because even our negative feelings have a purpose), then I'll change my physiology, my focus, and my self-talk > whatever will alter my state.

My approach for years now has been kind of inbetween two schools of thought concerning habit change or overcoming an addiction:

1. The will-power, grit your teeth, white-knuckled all-or-nothing approach; and

2. The non-will power, mindfulness, and a radical acceptance (coupled with a radical grace) approach.

Sometimes the differences are subtle, and sometimes the one approach can help the other- or at least appear to. The first approach gives you the illusion that you're in control, whereas the other one is deeper and more subtle, and it relies not so much on behavior ultimately as it does on layers of insight, understanding and knowing.

As such my approach now looks like this:

1. I no longer count days.

2. I no longer set goals.

3. I no longer track lapses (summer 2023). There is therefore no 'Day 0'.

4. In the event of a lapse, I learn as much as I can from the experience, and go on, infusing it with as little meaning as possible. Admittedly, this sounds contradictory. It has meaning as a behavior or occurrence, but as to who I am, or what it means for my identity, it means nothing.

6. There is no day 0 in lieu of a lapse, and hence, no resetting (the ammendment to no. 3 makes this statement more true).

7. I still dismiss urges, and this includes thoughts that lead up to it as being from the lower brain.

8. Overall, I don't think about it, and this is why to minimize interacting on RN: to no longer identify with the unwanted behaviors.

9. At the same time, I do appreciate being able to utilize a forum where anonymity is a safe place to work out our thoughts as we become new people.

 

[EarthWalker]

Keep it up brother. Onwards and upwards!

 

[Phineas 808]

Keep it up brother. Onwards and upwards!

Thank you, EW! Your encouragement means everything. Blessings!

 

[Ezel]

I'm glad you are killing it Phineas, look man, you do what is best for you as long as you keep yourself away from that filth, then things will start falling into place, like they already have in your case.
Your progress is amazing , a lot of people when they leave the forum they go back to porn, but you did the complete opposite and you are still killing it , like a phoenix who rises from the ashes.
A living legend Indeed . Welcome back champ .

 

[Phineas 808]

I'm glad you are killing it Phineas, look man, you do what is best for you as long as you keep yourself away from that filth, then things will start falling into place, like they already have in your case.
Your progress is amazing , a lot of people when they leave the forum they go back to porn, but you did the complete opposite and you are still killing it , like a Phineas who rises from the ashes.
A living legend Indeed . Welcome back champ .

Thank you, brother! Your words mean a lot! Indeed, I may be silent- or not- but whether I'm around the forum or not, I'm about moving on and changing from the man I used to be.

Good job on your efforts, too, as they will be richly rewarded!

 

[Phineas 808]

I want to add something for any curious...

My battle against P and MO stretches back literally decades, but taking on different forms. This (since Nov 2020) has been my 2nd account here on Reboot Nation (the first was between 2014 - 2019).

I realized recently from my physical journals that in the last 5 years I hit over 350 days 2x (without closely counting)!

1st was between July 2017 and July 2018;

2nd was between March 2019 and March 2020.

So, this has been a back-and-forth struggle. But what I'm learning over the years, and especially this year, have been immensely helpful. The three biggest lessons for me are:

1. Change the habits that surround your habits: for me, social media and iphone use.

2. Spirituality and/or intimacy with a loved one.

Whatever one's beliefs are, give it your all! Get close to God, and let Him satisfy your deepest needs. If you're not religious, find this in your loved ones and life in general.

3. Allow yourself to move on.

Allow yourself to heal from this. Give yourself permission to be your ideal and best self.

Blessings, All.

 

[Blondie]

Glad to see you're doing great Phineas! Happy to see you're doing your own thing and that it's working, which is all that matters in the end.

It's always great to see you here and there in the comment section offering your wisdom.

Bless you brother!

 

[Phineas 808]

Glad to see you're doing great Phineas! Happy to see you're doing your own thing and that it's working, which is all that matters in the end.

It's always great to see you here and there in the comment section offering your wisdom.

Bless you brother!

Thank you so much, Blondie!

I'm always inspired by your posts and your wit, and of course by your progress!

I look forward to celebrating with you 365 days (1 year!) in a couple of days...!

Well done, sir! Blessings to you as well.

 

[Phineas 808]

The wife's out of town, but not on vacation. Last night was night-1, and tonight is possibly night-2. It would be a lot of driving to expect her back tonight, but we'll see.

When she was away for vacation 2-3 weeks ago, I did mostly well. It didn't start off well, and we're talking 8 full days 8 nights, not to mention the days she left and returned. For most, no big deal. For me, not as big a deal as before, but potentially an obsessive time if I let it. Again, this has greatly improved over the years. If there was struggle, I could typically work this out and dismiss the urges, or at least distract and disrupt. A big thing for me to prevent lapsing here is the concept of practicing the pause. An example:

On the last night before my wife's return on 9/14, I awoke about 3 am with urges. The daughter was away spending the night at her friend's house, and so I had the whole house to myself. I know that the pc is a possibility during these times. Sure enough, I had urges- but they really weren't that strong- but the story (schema) of struggling was playing out in my mind. This would only have fed and increased the urges to obsession (akin to OCD). So, I got up, set up a spare chair in my office to prop my feet on (as if I was going to act out on the pc). Got a blanket (see how comfy I made myself in the past?), as I would've 'normally' done. But, instead of taking the blanket to my office, I went out to the sunroom, and after some prayers, went to sleep out there on the couch. Pausing and disrupting are very helpful if things go beyond mere dismissal.

Last night (night-1), I awoke after 2 hours of sleep about 2:45 am, and got my iPhone. I did a little TikTok, and the excitement/urges were there, and I knew if I continued in this way it would've spiraled into a lapse into P/PMO. But I practiced the pause and allowed non-related TikTok's to distract me, and at one point I knew to open up YouTube instead. Here, I looked up what's called ASMR, and found a multi-hour reading of the Scriptures (in a female voice, of course), and went to sleep after that- with no episodes, and no red-line behavior.

I write this down for future reference, and if it will help others in a similar situation. And, tonight could be a repeat performance...

One thing to mention, though I generally do a lot better with this than in the past, she left in a very negative way, angry and fighting with me, and that played into the [perceived] need for medication. Thankfully I was aware of all this playing out.

 

[Ezel]

Well done Phineas, hard work pays off my man, stick to the path brother. God bless...

 

[Phineas 808]

Well done Phineas, hard work pays off my man, stick to the path brother. God bless...

Thank you, brother! Indeed, the culmination of years fighting this thing, trial and error, lol...! God bless you, too!

 

[Phineas 808]

This will be what is turning into a different kind of post for me. It began earlier, but it is morphing into journal entries that will truly help me as I go forward in this journey.

It is a completely different understanding from what I've been doing for the past x-years. Though, of course not entirely different. Because behind any successes, and the lengthier streaks I've had in recent years (and even 5 years ago), the 'spirit' of this deeper understanding were always at work, outward methodological differences notwisthstanding.

I went back and updated my (now) 6 Core Questions and my 30 Special Questions to reflect this 'new approach'. I'll ask 1x question from each of these categories below.

In keeping with this, I'll begin with stating certain things- which I may not have believed deep down before. I'll state an affirmation, but it would sound hollow, unbelievable, or out of reach for me. But this is the crux of the matter, beliefs are among other fundamental and deeper understandings that are now being fully explored. Before, it was all about methodology, plans, approaches, goals, tactics, to try and change from without unwanted behaviors. But now, it's all about getting as deep as possible to affect change from within. True, before I would actually have both approaches to varying degrees- but as an example, I'd always say, "I need to change what porn means for me", like, why did I always return to it- as I must've seen some value in it, despite trying to quit it. Anyways, here goes...

I am no longer a porn-user.
I am a man who no longer uses porn or masturbation.
I quit, I no longer rely on porn or masturbation, p-subs or edging to alter my mood.
I no longer feed an addiction to dopamine.
There is no value in porn. There is nothing there for me but an immediate high followed by shame.
I am not quitting porn, I've quit. I am not reccovering from porn or sex addiction, I am recovered.
I am free! I am free! I am free! I celebrate my freedom, I rejoice in my salvation. I am a new man!

These are not mere empty affirmations, some kind of wishful thinking. More is going on, but namely this: that there are two worlds in front of me, one is illusory and non-existent (even if engaged in), and one is true, real, and actually the default mode even if faulty behaviors are engaged in. This isn't some clever way to 'get away with it', but rather a challenge and a shift to not live in some perpetual recoveryism, but to actually walk out and live in the freedom and salvation that is inherently yours.

Core Question #2. Am I trying to fix myself? Like, is there 'a plan', is there 'a goal'?

Currently, No. This may sound scandalous, but this is a major reason why I'm still dealing with this stuff in my life, even after years of trying to fix myself. During those times when I didn't pay as much attention to it, I did better. I had quit posting or even paying much attention to RN, and had no obvious plan, wasn't trying to fix anything. If I lapsed, I'd just go on paying it as little attention as possible. Of course this wasn't always easy for me, as I'm prone toward shame- and if there was a repeat performance ("chaser effect"), I'd conclude that I had a problem, and I'd start trying to fix things, create plans, make goals, etc...

Getting away from that now. Going back to what works the best for me, although wiser, I hope. I'm not going to create a world where a lapse is inevitable or even encouraged. But if internal pain, brokenness, and outside stress and cues elicit a response from me, or even a lapse, I will do what I know works, including dismissing urges, and being self-compassionate.

The reason why this question would be a 'core question' is because of my tendency to see a problem that may or may not exist, and try to fix it. But this has only prolonged my own healing.

Special Question #29. Are you turning toward the Lord to meet your emotional/spiritual needs?

Yes, more and more. However, I'm not perfect in this, and sometimes fail in this regard. Ideally, at the slightest tinge or craving, I'm to turn aside whatever this looks like based on context, and pray, worship, speak in tongues, until the mood alters.

This can be contrasted with simply dismissing urges, which if mindfully done, is quite sufficient. But if urges persist, or the need becomes stronger, approaching it spiritually has more than once averted a lapse.

Be blessed, All.

 

[Simon2]

Thank you for that. Your journey shows how this "hero's quest" can lead to the magic Castle on the other side. A deeper more meaningful understanding of ourselves and our life.

 

[Blondie]

That was great @Phineas 808, thank you for that.

I've always agreed with the mindset of "I'm a past addict" or "Past porn user" is better than the alternative of acting like it's still a part of you, and nothing you could ever really escape from. Doing this just seems a better mindset for a better future - it's pointless to add more shame to shame. My life won't be defined by this, period! It was a bad habit I unfortunately got evolved in, with little understanding of the side effects and damage it could cause me. I'm not innocent, but I WAS innocent originally, and more shame won't get me or anyone else out of this shit.

Thank you for everything you do here.

Best brother.

 

[Phineas 808]

@SimonM ~ Thank you, brother. I think this is where fundamental change can occur for all of us, on a deeper 'cellular' level, especially for us 'long term' users, who've dealt with this crap for years. Rearranging the furniture certainly helps, but to go deeper, to the basement, lol, is where we can affect real change.

@Blondie ~ Exactly, brother! I recall reading you saying as much. I will not be defined by this, period! I like that...

It was a part of our story, but not the whole story (like it seemed sometimes). I like how you said that, 'Yes, I wasn't innocent- but I started out innocent'. I've been thinking about that 7 - 9 year old (?) boy who picked up pages from a porno mag on the playground, and how this insidiously lured me into the porn-trap, and presented as 'the answer' to my chaotic past and neglected self of those times.

This is a simple acknowledgement that innocence and faultlessness is our default mode, and was certainly our 'factory settings'. Reboot, indeed.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good morning, All.

I thought this morning I'll start with my special questions, and then comment more freely toward the end- seeing what feels more natural, real, going forward.

Core Question #1. Am I mindfully in the present moment?

This was a very good question to ask myself this morning, because it really took me off guard. And that's the whole reason why I use dice to determine what questions to ask myself, lol... because it gives me that randomness (as if someone were actually asking me these).

But, yes, in the moment I am taking deep breaths and being as present as I can be. And what else can we be, except we're too much in our heads, a non-existent past or future?

For sure, earlier, I was doing some devotional reading, and I caught myself just thinking about various issues and problems going on in my life while I was reading! It was like the reading was rote or mechanical. Was I being mindless in the present moment? Yes. I literally took the 'devotion' out of 'devotional' at that point. But the good news is I caught this, and corrected it. Why do anything if you're not truly present to do it?

One of the things that my wife notes since the years ago that I started recovering was that I'm more present in the moment.

Special Question # 28. Is it a sin-issue (moral), or an addiction issue (biological)?

Please note: this question is specifically to me, and not anyone else in my journal (unless one finds it helpful). This question comes from my own history and belief system.

"It" of course is P, PMO or MO. I think initially that it started out, well, I would say as both. It was biological and psychological that I had both emotional and adolescent sexual drives or needs, but that there was also a context of morality through which this had to be filtered, defined, and executed or not.

I think this 'both/and' situation is still true today. As things morphed into a physiological or neurological addiction, I still had to navigate the moral implications of this- and one could say- I still do. The darkest place one has imagined themselves would be to have thrown away their life in some motel room, divorced, working a menial job just to get by, and than spending every remaining hour in some porn-induced coma! What dreams we may have for ourselves! This is clearly the addiction's (lower brain's) hope for the future, but would it not be a moral imperative to want the best for yourself? What is intrinsically more valuable? Would it not be a moral issue, if one has all this potential (whatever that may be), and yet wastes it in selfish indulgence?

To be sure, I don't hold that fantasy as any viable version of my future, but the lower brain reveals its hand in the occassional twisted dream...

I'm doing well, and continue in an upward trajectory. And I think what's of the most importance for me now in this journey is to continue addressing the fundamental question: what does porn mean for me? What value did (or do) I see in it that I would return to it?

I am a man who doesn't look at porn, nor masturbates to alter my moods or emotional pain.
I am not recovering, but recovered from a soul-sucking addiction.
I am a man in control of himself, publicly and privately.

When things go sideways, and the pains of life come, when stress is laid on the hidden fissures or whatever yet needs healing, I stand true to myself and what I want out of life.

Regardless, I love and believe in myself, even in the face of failure or of success, of victory or defeat.

Be well, All.

 

[Blondie]

? Yes. I literally took the 'devotion' out of 'devotional' at that point. But the good news is I caught this, and corrected it. Why do anything if you're not truly present to do it?

This is good @Phineas 808. Thanks

I forget about this sometimes. I often live in my head (no, not that one!) and forget the present, or even sometimes, try to forget the present. Struggling with that at the moment to be honest.

It's amazing how often I forget these basics, it's like I need a flowchart or something. They say Benjamin Franklin would practice one virtue for everyday of the week. For example, on Monday he would try to be more assertive or truthful throughout the day, etc., and on Tuesdays something else lol. It's kind of funny, but maybe it would work!

Thank you sir.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, too, Blondie! Yes, it seems to be the nature of our minds to wander, to fixate in either the future or the past.

What I have found to be true is that I can affect the speed or business of my mind by breathing deeper and slower intentionally, mindfully. Heck, I've pinched myself to snap out of what I can call a dissociativeness, or mindlessness. There's also what's called EPT tapping, too.

Be blessed, brother!

 

[Phineas 808]

The Myth of Day 0

In Greek mythology, a man named Sisyphus, who founded what became Corinth, claimed in his hubris that his cleverness surpassed that of Zeus himself. As a punishment, Hades (or Thanatos) had him push a huge boulder up a steep hill in Tatarus for eternity. Each time Sisyphus got the boulder almost to the top, it would roll back down to the bottom of the hill. He then had to start all over again, rolling the massive boulder up to the top, only for it to roll back down before he could complete the task.

In like manner we often view our Reboot and recovery efforts, especially if we're counting days or have a specific goal in mind. Obviously we're after rebooting, which takes about 90 days or 3 months to heal or start healing. And so counting this or another amount makes sense, although individual mileage may vary. But the myth is that if you lapse or slip, the boulder of rebooting or recovery rolls all the way back down the hill to 'day 0' and then you have to start all over again, having lost all progress.

That of course is a myth! Yet it's a myth we keep telling ourselves when we fail. But has all progress indeed been lost? No! Now, this depends on the degree of exposure, where either little to nothing has been lost, or if one has binged for days on end, then, yes, there may have been siginificant loss. I think it was Scandanavian Bob who said in a Youtube video that after a lapse, one loses maybe 2 weeks or 20 days of healing, but that one sets themselves back even more if they binge.

So, are lengthy streaks necessary? Absolutely! Your aim is to quit, right? Creating enough distance between you and your unwanted behaviors of P, PMO, (or for some) MO, abstinence is your friend. You're giving yourself the best opportunity to heal. But viewing yourself as Sisyphus, rolling all the way back down the hill after a lapse is only demoralizing and counterproductive to your overall efforts. A giant boulder or a speed bump? Which one feels better? It may seem like a massive boulder at times, especially in the beginning, but seeing things in their proper perspective will save you literally years of struggling.

Should we count days? If it serves you, by all means! Particularly, if you're going for an actual Reboot, you should definitely have 90 days as target, and I've seen 120 or more days as well. Afterwards, do what you think is best. I myself no longer count days, particularly because of my own tendencies toward 'black-and-white' thinking or an 'all-or-nothing' approach.

Bottom line: a laspe or slip does not mean that you are truly at day 0. Sure, if you must restart your counter, I get that, you want to be honest and accountable to yourself, to your reboot. But while there may have been a setback, not all progress has been lost.

 

[Blondie]

Preach it brother @Phineas 808!