Finding Peace


I am a 24 year old male who's had a porn addiction since I was about 10-11 years old. It started when I moved to a new place and another kid who was a few years older brought over porn DVDs to my home. Him, my brother and I sat in our basement watching them together.

I lived with my mom at the time who was nowhere to be found because of a crack addiction she struggled with.

After the videos I found masturbation a bit later and began to do it to just thoughts since I hadn?t gotten a phone yet. Eventually I moved in with my dad and he would let me borrow his cell phone and I would watch a ton of porn on it at night.

Eventually I moved in with my mom again. I wasn?t the best behaved child growing. I think I was so hateful that my mom was a crack addict that life wasn?t so important to me. So I fought, I sold drugs, and got locked up many times.

Juvenile Jail was also another place where I masturbated quite heavily. People sell photos of porn stars. Or you could make a FEFE (kind of like a pocket pussy).

At about the age of 15 I was released from jail for the last time. I had gotten into sports and the competitive attitude I developed kept me away from the crime life. Also the drugs and alcohol I used when I was in that life.

Although I was changing a new leaf this porn addiction never left. Because I was older I was now getting more advanced technology like smartphones and laptops. This only made the addiction worse. I?d sit at home and masturbate long hours in my room to endless porn videos.

Early into high school I lost my virginity. I have had many women since then but to me they were mostly sex objects and I didn?t even realize it. I didn?t realize how much I had thought about just having sex with them. I never valued the feelings, emotions and the relationships. I guess porn had already gone into shaped my thoughts. I always wanted to do the things that I had seen on porn as well.

Through college my porn use went down but I still did it and I still treated many women the same way. I eventually dropped college and began just working.

After a random encounter with a girl at the gym we began going on many dates. That girl eventually broke my heart but I learned so much about myself through the depression I felt after. My porn addiction had gotten worse. I began looking into things like ?shemale porn? after seeing an advertisement for it on a website. I also realized that I may have a reactive attachment disorder due to my mom being a crack addict. This disorder seems to cause a lot of social anxiety and uncomfortability in social situations.

I also began to realize how my social life had fell apart. In high school and college I was quite popular and easy to talk to. Well at least I was more comfortable talking to people. Maybe I was a bit weird to them but now I barely even have a conversation without anxiety stirring up in me.

After my heart got broke I decided to go and travel. I booked a one way trip to Nicaragua and traveled a few countries of Central America and Mexico. I got a lot of time to think and there wasn?t much of an opportunity for porn use due to the fact that I was staying in dorm rooms in hostels. In Guatemala I found a lover who I ended up moving in with because of covid. She had two children but she also taught me many lessons. We lived together so long that I got to know her and learn about myself in the process. I told her everything, porn addiction, crack addict mother and her level of care brought me to tears at one point. I realized during our sex that my penis was desensitized. I couldn?t feel much. I also realized that I had delayed ejaculation. I could never finish for her without pulling out and masturbating for a while. I also PMO?d after sex with her and was too afraid to tell her about the shemale porn. Once she made me take off of porn for a week and that was the best sex I had in a long time.

I eventually left. I couldn?t handle the children. That trip gave me a ton of time to think about stuff though. I realized that I wanted to make an effort to change myself. I want to be able to connect with people, have confidence and socialize well. This is why I would like to quit porn.

Did I use porn today?
I have not used porn today

What were my triggers?
Definitely my room, especially before I go to sleep at night.

How did I soothe your my anxiety or stress?
I?ve been getting into meditation and hiking

What am I grateful for today?
Being given the opportunity to better myself.

Day counter! 4 or 5 days.


Active Member
Hey man, I just read your story and can relate to it so much, I had a rough time myself with drugs, alcohol and crime (Although the longest time in jail was a weekend-arrest for me =D). You seem to be an intelligent guy, leave that fucking porn behind! It was the last addiction to battle for me and it feels so good to finally leave it behind. I feel free for the first time in my life!
You can do the same man!