Life and Peace (Romans 8:6)

[berrylewis29]

Day 110

Pretty much feel like I'm on cruise control right now. I can't remember my last real urge to use P. Triggers still have power, but I'm simply not finding as many triggers because I'm generally staying away from most social media that would take me down that path. The only triggers I'm experiencing lately are relatively innocent and unavoidable things like attractive women on television (especially news anchors). In fact, my wife and I were watching a new tv series a couple nights ago and without warning there was a quick scene with a topless woman. It did nothing for me! I had no emotional or chemical response. But when an attractive news reporter is on tv, I tend to feel I need to change the channel. Not sure what that's about, but I guess its about a strong, mature, attractive woman who seems to be in charge (this was a common theme in my search for P videos).

I'm also experiencing another trigger that I didn't expect, and I need to make a change. I have found myself reading through reboot journals on this site, and while they are incredibly helpful in keeping me on task, I'm finding that I'm particularly interested in the journals where guys go into detail about their addiction. These posts use explicit language and explain sexual scenarios that leave little to the imagination. This causes me to recall P scenes and images in my mind, and honestly, I've noticed that I find it exciting. I'm not saying this to shame the guys who post these journals...this is MY problem! I'm glad they are finding freedom in finally voicing the extent of their addiction, and I'm sure many guys don't have a problem reading the details. However, for me, I'm finding that reading these more explicit journals has become a compulsive thing. I have found that I intentionally search for them and ignore the journals that don't go into much sexual detail.

I apologize for this and realize it makes me sound like a terrible member of Reboot Nation.

Because of this, I'm going to take a break from being on this site. I still plan to journal and keep up with the handful of journals that I've followed in healthy ways, but I need to stop perusing. I'll schedule time to journal and read journals in a way that isn't compulsive.

Anyway, it feels great to be 110 days into this journey! I've made it this far without P or M. Sex with my wife is great. I'm more clear minded and purposeful about life in general. I feel that I have the tools and the strength to fight urges when they arise. I no longer lust after real women I see (I was a guy with wandering eyes, and it always made me feel gross). I'm about to get a huge promotion at work, and until now I didn't feel ready to take the responsibility...but now I feel confident and excited about this new role. Without P as a distraction, I finally feel like I can do anything.

110 Days P and M free!

 

[Phineas 808]

But when an attractive news reporter is on tv, I tend to feel I need to change the channel. Not sure what that's about, but I guess its about a strong, mature, attractive woman who seems to be in charge (this was a common theme in my search for P videos).

I'm also experiencing another trigger that I didn't expect, and I need to make a change. I have found myself reading through reboot journals on this site, and while they are incredibly helpful in keeping me on task, I'm finding that I'm particularly interested in the journals where guys go into detail about their addiction. These posts use explicit language and explain sexual scenarios that leave little to the imagination. This causes me to recall P scenes and images in my mind, and honestly, I've noticed that I find it exciting. I'm not saying this to shame the guys who post these journals...this is MY problem! I'm glad they are finding freedom in finally voicing the extent of their addiction, and I'm sure many guys don't have a problem reading the details. However, for me, I'm finding that reading these more explicit journals has become a compulsive thing. I have found that I intentionally search for them and ignore the journals that don't go into much sexual detail.

I apologize for this and realize it makes me sound like a terrible member of Reboot Nation.

First of all, congrats on hitting tripple digit territory!

I wanted to comment on this earlier, forgive my late reply...

Far from being a terrible member of RN, you are actually quite 'normal' amongst the members here! Both of these issues you mention are actually opportunities to learn to dismiss urges, and learn that you're actually in control, and not these outward stimuli.

1. Weather reporters: If I may suggest, instead of switching the channel right away, set a 3 minute timer and watch it. While doing so, neither react for or against the attractive reporter. Breathe deep, and simply watch (as an outside observer) your reactions, nonjudgmentally. When the timer goes off, you can change the channel, but check your pulse rate, and is your breathing shallow? Just breathe through this until you calm down.

2. Using RN as P-Subs: Call this what it is, but without judgement. I've often thought that certain users would read journals with that intent, but it's simply the lower brain craving its dopamine hits. Instead of avoiding this, as with the T.V. reporters above, use it to 'urge-surf', and set a timer for 3-minutes. Read, but be aware as an outside observer of what's going on. This is only if you're obsessing about it. Keep a deep breath, and when the timer goes off, change the page to something else.

These examples are an opportunity to practice ERP (Exposure Response Prevention), this is a secret to desensitizing the neural pathways that are still overly sensitized. You expose yourself to the tempting material, but without reacting or responding to it- nonjudgmentally. This teaches you that you're in control, and not outward stimuli.

**IMPORTANT** Don't let your addicted lower brain steal this important forum that's helped you up to now. Don't let it become P-Subs. If it is right now, you can change this by taking away its power as noted above.

Be well, brother, you got this.

 

[berrylewis29]

Thanks for the reply Phin! Encouraging for sure. I?ve been able to handle this well. Just glad I could vent here some.

Today marks 120 days without P or MO! I?m pumped for this milestone and I think I?ve drawn strength from counting days. I def have weaker moments but I?m able to handle them now. I know I?m changing.

I won?t post long today as I?m sitting in the woods listening to turkeys gobble and in my happy place! So thankful for this life and for the grace to defeat this addiction!

120 days!

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats, berry, on 120 days: the end of all flesh, symbolically speaking... (Gen 6:3; Acts 1:15; 2:1-4)!

That is a significant time spent away from these unwanted behaviors. For one, your neural chemicals that kept this as such a need before, and tied you to the memories of it in an accute way, have subsided. For another, the habit pattern established by yourself over the years has changed, and you are replacing it with healthier habits, like eavesdropping on Turkeys, ha ha!

Have fun.

 

[berrylewis29]

Warning: possible trigger

I've not seen, searched for, stumbled upon or indulged in porn whatsoever since December 10th. It's gotten to the point that I don't even feel tempted. However, today I just stumbled across an image. It was totally unintentional. I was searching for a person on Twitter for my work (a particular speaker that I was researching) but I couldn't figure out which account was his. In the process of scrolling through the multiple matching names, one of them was apparently a porn account and the image was of a woman giving a bj.

I immediately scrolled quickly past it and didn't linger at all. This was a victory in itself. I also felt my heart jump in my chest. And even now as I write this, I can still see the image in my head even though it was only there for a millisecond. I've been tempted by attractive women on tv or whatever in these past 120+ days, but have not come across anything remotely like this. I think this will be my first real test. In the past, seeing an image like that even briefly would've led me down an inevitable path toward MO...regardless of how much I tried not to. This was due to the trigger and how my brain had already started down a path that seemed impossible to stop.

I don't consider this a lapse at all. It was an accident and I didn't linger or honestly even enjoy it (I'm actually angry that it happened!). I do, however, consider it a challenge to how I'll react when I stumble across tempting images for the rest of my life. My goal is not to be a person who never encounters sexual images (this is an impossible task in our overly sexualized world). Instead, it is to be a person who acts and reacts toward these images in ways that honors God, my wife and my kids and actually gives me more resolve to be the person I'm called to me.

I feel like this incident helped to show me that this is happening in my life: the brief image seemed so foreign to me...like its something from another world/industry/dark place that I don't belong anymore. I'm saddened for the people in the image and for ever buying what they'll trying to sell. I'm not that person anymore.

I write this immediately after this incident so that I can record it and so that I can help take away its power. I'm curious to see if I'll be tempted to search for more images in the next day or so because of this "trigger". I really don't even want to call it a trigger because it already feels like it has no power over me. I'm more confident than ever that I'll be victorious in this. And in the end, I'll be glad for this encounter because it will prove that I'm healing and that I can freaking live my life without worrying about every little flash of breast in a movie or whatever other trash this world throws at me. Bring it on world...I'm over it.

 

[berrylewis29]

Day 133

133 day PMO free is a random day to celebrate, but I write tonight because I?m in a situation that used to wreck me every time. My wife and kids are away and I?m sitting here alone having just gotten out of the shower, laying in bed with an unfiltered web browser in front of me, and I feel no urge whatsoever to use porn or to m at all. I never would?ve thought this possible 133 days ago!

Just another reminder that this can be beaten no matter how hopeless it seems. I really do believe this thing is behind me. I won?t feel completely out of the woods until I hit a year I think, but I?m starting to get a glimpse of it!

So thankful

 

[Phineas 808]

Good on you, brother!

Your victory is my victory, at least, I celebrate with you.

Onward to greater glories...!

 

[berrylewis29]

152 days PMO free!

I meant to journal at 150 days but I’ve been very busy. It’s getting to the point that I think less about this journal and I’m just kind of living life. But I’ve enjoyed counting days and find power in that. I love knowing that the last time I used p was December 11, 2020 and that it will be the last time I used for the rest of my life. I really believe that now!

- Old triggers don’t have the power they once did.
- Being home alone is refreshing now and not a battle for my holiness.
- Sex with my wife is better than it ever has been.
- I feel confident in relationships and my work.
- I look women in the eyes and don’t see them as objects.

I’m my true self. If I can do it anyone can!

 

[guitar1968]

Just went through your journal and really enjoyed it. You seem like you are on a great path. I hope you stay on it the rest of your life! I feel very encouraged right now after reading this.

 

[berrylewis29]

Just went through your journal and really enjoyed it. You seem like you are on a great path. I hope you stay on it the rest of your life! I feel very encouraged right now after reading this.

Thx for relying and I’m glad to know you were encouraged. I’ve been so encouraged by others here as well! I’ve kept up with your journal as well. Congrats on 30+ days!

 

[berrylewis29]

179 days PMO free

Random day to celebrate, but I'm in a situation I've not yet faced in reboot: I'm sick. I've got a terrible cold and generally staying in bed as much as I can. In the past, these times would include hours of PMO. I guess this was because I was alone, in bed and just felt I deserved it or at least wanted it to help me feel better. And I have felt slight temptation for sure.

I've faced other triggers so far and feel like I'll face this one well, but every time I've faced opportunities to use PMO (travel, home alone, etc...), it always helped to post here. Just acknowledging it early and accepting my weakness here seems to help take away it's power.

I hesitate to say that I'm over this addiction, but I really do feel its behind me. However, I'm seeing mentally stronger every week and look forward to seeing how things will be after a year.

Things I need to watch out for:

- when I'm sick, I watch the movies and shows that my wife doesn't enjoy because its my only chance to watch them! Nothing crazy, but I need to avoid the temptation to watch anything that will trigger me.

- its summer time and I'm more aware of the women around me wearing skimpy clothing. I've been recovering from the reflex of looking at them, but I've noticed lately its becoming easier to get a second glance and harder for me turn away my eyes. I'll need to work on this; not just because I don't want a trigger that takes me to relapse, but also because its a gross thing to do.

I still appreciate reading your journals and hope you all stay strong. Its possible and worth it!

 

[guitar1968]

Congratulations. Glad you are able to be so strong and to have made it this far. I'm hoping I'm as strong along the way.

 

[Phineas 808]

Excellent on being over 179 days, Berry!

Just as you anticipate a time of weakness, and so come here to write, so also if you're watching a movie and anticipate a 'racey' scene in it, simply go get a snack from the kitchen. But don't give it too much power, like, "Oh no, if I see X or Y, I'll be 'triggered' and then fall..." You can anticipate it, and walk away, or distract yourself, then get back to the show... Or, even if you accidentally saw something, just be aware of it nonjudgmentally, and breathe through it until any urges pass.

As far as seeing beauty in public, there's a natural attraction going on there, and it's not 'gross' until one is shamelessly ogling, undressing them in their mind, etc... What helped me earlier was to look up the word for 'lust' in the Greek from Mt 5, and the word is 'epi-thumia' and it's a pretty strong word that can help define the intensity of desire that lust actually is, compared to the more natural admiration that occurs.

I, too, seek to be mindful about this for me. But be careful not to unduly judge yourself as 'gross' for something that you may not even be doing.

Be well.

 

[JerryTX]

Wow! Thanks for posting and enjoyed reading this journal. I am day 58 and this is encouraging to read your success and the endurance you have built. Posted about it today-- James 1: 1-4! Oh and I love the entire Chapter of Romans 8! So impactful to us here!

Stay strong and congrats on a successful journey.

 

[berrylewis29]

Day 200

It's crazy how you think you're free from this thing and then suddenly you're really tempted to relapse! A friend of mine recommended ASMR videos to help relax, so I did a search for them on Youtube and dang...most of them were innocent enough, but I found one of them to be very sensual and forced myself to turn it off. But it did make me crazy curious about it and I just wanted to see if I could find an erotic ASMR video! I have learned that part of my porn addiction is rooted in curiosity...I always liked to just see what I could find. I would think of a sexual scenario and then try to find a video that matched it...down to details like the girl's hair color and facial features. And so thinking that there might be a new type of porn out there in ASMR that I have never experienced made me want to try to find it.

The temptation to relapse this time is stronger than any other time during my reboot. Once, as I posted in an earlier journal, I accidentally stumbled across a pic that triggered me, but even that faded quickly. This ASMR thing is staying in my head...I just want to see what they're all about and know full well that I'll end up down a rabbit hole that will take me to hardcore stuff. I'll be depressed and angry for days after.

I'm journaling today to mark my 200th day, but also because I'm seriously on the verge of relapsing and I have found power in acknowledging the urges here in my journal. Calling it what it is seems to help take away it's power for me. Writing it down seems to make it less attractive. Being on this site helps remind me that I'm not the only guy out there with these temptations...and that we can win!

 

[Phineas 808]

Berry, first of all, brother, congrats on day 200! Very significant mile marker.

Your curiosity seems to mirror mine, like, if I saw a woman dressed in a provactive way (real life, or pixalation), I would end up doing a search if it really affected me. Many a lapse began that way...

For ASMR, I discovered that before I hit my 120 day goal. At first, I did it to address an emotional need, and to fall asleep easier. But, it became p-subs for me really soon. I actually lapsed from my lengthy streak at day 139, partly due to an ASMR video that kind of 'awoke' something in me. Ever since, ASMR videos have been a stumbling block for me time and again. I've deleted follows on Youtube, refollowed them, always thinking it would meet some need in me- but, No. Not worth it, take me as a cautionary tale...

Again, lapsing after a lengthy streak such as yours seems to (not necessarily) be hard to come back from- at least, it takes a while to regain that motivation, and reestablish a lengthy streak. That said, any amount of streak is better than staying down. 1 day away from P, PMO, MO is worth celebrating as a major victory.

 

[berrylewis29]

Berry, first of all, brother, congrats on day 200! Very significant mile marker.

Your curiosity seems to mirror mine, like, if I saw a woman dressed in a provactive way (real life, or pixalation), I would end up doing a search if it really affected me. Many a lapse began that way...

For ASMR, I discovered that before I hit my 120 day goal. At first, I did it to address an emotional need, and to fall asleep easier. But, it became p-subs for me really soon. I actually lapsed from my lengthy streak at day 139, partly due to an ASMR video that kind of 'awoke' something in me. Ever since, ASMR videos have been a stumbling block for me time and again. I've deleted follows on Youtube, refollowed them, always thinking it would meet some need in me- but, No. Not worth it, take me as a cautionary tale...

Again, lapsing after a lengthy streak such as yours seems to (not necessarily) be hard to come back from- at least, it takes a while to regain that motivation, and reestablish a lengthy streak. That said, any amount of streak is better than staying down. 1 day away from P, PMO, MO is worth celebrating as a major victory.

Crazy how similar our curiosity! I think curiosity has always been part of the lure of P for me...even since I was first exposed as a young boy. I understand that may be part of it for most people, but I feel like my curiosity was out of a desire to know what's out there. I loved fetish types of P because it would introduce me to things I had not even thought about before. So dangerous!

 

[berrylewis29]

Day 214

SUPER stressed with work lately, and MAN that does it for me! I've learned during my reboot that stress is probably my biggest trigger. I've not slipped up, but I laid in the bed having a lazy morning before work, and I realized if I'm ever going to relapse, it would be during those times and when I'm stressed. Another reminder to get up and get moving first thing in the morning. I have developed a pattern of reading and praying first thing in the mornings to combat this.

I'm interested lately in the experience guys have had with long successful reboots and how/when they began to notice long-lasting change in the temptation to relapse. I know it may be different for every person, but I'm hopeful that I could get to a point where I can honestly say I don't even worry about relapsing. Or am I destined to live my whole life with this as a lingering thought in my mind...dodging triggers and such. Will I feel different after a full year? I definitely feel different now than I did early on, but I'm hoping to continue gaining strength.

 

[JerryTX]

SUPER stressed with work lately, and MAN that does it for me! I've learned during my reboot that stress is probably my biggest trigger. I've not slipped up, but I laid in the bed having a lazy morning before work, and I realized if I'm ever going to relapse, it would be during those times and when I'm stressed. Another reminder to get up and get moving first thing in the morning. I have developed a pattern of reading and praying first thing in the mornings to combat this.

I'm interested lately in the experience guys have had with long successful reboots and how/when they began to notice long-lasting change in the temptation to relapse. I know it may be different for every person, but I'm hopeful that I could get to a point where I can honestly say I don't even worry about relapsing. Or am I destined to live my whole life with this as a lingering thought in my mind...dodging triggers and such. Will I feel different after a full year? I definitely feel different now than I did early on, but I'm hoping to continue gaining strength.

Day 214 is impressive and congrats!! Just day 93 here but I have similarities with stress and boredom! I to have to get moving any time I think a trigger/temptation is coming. To your point yes it's gotten easier but not gone. Heck even today I had to close the IG knowing that a few more clicks would put me somewhere I don't want or need to be. I sort of feel at this point I have battled the P demon for so long that I will always be in recovery. Like you I hope to continue to gain strength to the point this is not even an "afterthought"! Again awesome job and keep fighting.

 

[Phineas 808]

I'm interested lately in the experience guys have had with long successful reboots and how/when they began to notice long-lasting change in the temptation to relapse. I know it may be different for every person, but I'm hopeful that I could get to a point where I can honestly say I don't even worry about relapsing. Or am I destined to live my whole life with this as a lingering thought in my mind...dodging triggers and such. Will I feel different after a full year? I definitely feel different now than I did early on, but I'm hoping to continue gaining strength.

I think for me, during a lengthy streak it takes a little going astray to find myself out in the woods again, trying to get my way back to the path. But I think it would be, again true for me, that for my whole life I'll have to be 'smart' or wise about what I allow into my eye-gate. It's the little foxes that spoil the vine, and we have to keep that in mind- even though, we can view our successes and celebrate them.