A long journey...

[marco_60]

Reboot is proceeding smoothly. Since the last update I had no relapse, usual MWs, some fantasies during the day which have provoked an erection a couple of times.
However, I do not really understand if my brain has completely forgotten M, and if I still need M to get an excitement which brings to E. For sure I have not looked at any P but it could perfectly be that my brain unconsciously remembers some images and some movies, and I am simply not aware.
The restrictions due to Covid affect negatively the social life. I work a lot from home, I only see women the few times I go to shop (a couple of times a week). Besides, we all wear masks, thus we only can cross sometimes the eyes with some ladies, but it is impossible to get any feeling from these opportunities.
Yet, I am confident that waiting enough without  giving to the temptation of relapsing I will get rid of my ED, because this is what happened at the end of the former reboot.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Yet, I am confident that waiting enough without  giving to the temptation of relapsing I will get rid of my ED, because this is what happened at the end of the former reboot.

You're doing great. It really is a waiting game, but it's made much more challenging due to the negative effects of COVID. Hang in there, friend!

 

[marco_60]

This morning I woke up rather early. While I l was laying in bed, half sleeping, I started to have a fantasy, and this time finally I had a full erection. Of course I did nothing (no fap). It is a mark towards the final target. Already now when I am in public places I feel reactive when I see some attractive women. Maybe I am wrong, but these for me are signs that my brain is switching to the usual erotic excitation mode.
I think that to this new mode contributes also the situation at work. I scored two important results during the past week, and this gave me not only more self-confidence but also retrieved some tensions and concerns, which are giving me a feeling of inner freedom. My mind is more free to look around and catch opportunities. Unfortunately this pandemic does not allow any freedom, but I look forward to few months from now  .

 

[Phineas 808]

Well done, Marco!

I definitely think those are all good signs.

 

[roark]

Hi Marco
Glad to hear that!
There's light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[marco_60]

Regular MWs, but I continue to spend my days in isolation, except for shopping every second or third day, thus I have basically no sexual stimulation, now that I have no more P. The weather has been quite sunny and warm, a sort of early spring, but I had no fantasies as I havd had until a couple of weeks ago. I have sex only once a week, during the weekend, with my partner, and again: only regular E but without final Ej. When I was under PMO before rebooting I had instead vigorous and long-lasting Ej's.
I am too busy with work nowadays, I have decided of not going to a MD for now to better investigate this problem. Soon Spring will arrive: I prefer to wait and see if things will improve.

 

[marco_60]

This weekend one good and one bad news. I was with my partner all the weekend, and we had sex many times, both during the night and this morning. My erection works very well, I hold it very long also in the evening (i.e. not in the morning when I have the advantage of the MW). This is ok. The bad news are that, despite very good, prolonged sex sessions, with many reciprocal stimulation, I could not E  . Thanks God, she reached multiple orgasms, but I was unable to release.

I have to understand whether it is a physiological problem or a psychological one. I think I have two possibilities to test the first alternative: 1) try again PMO: if I have E at the end, it means that it is not a physiological problem; 2)  have sex with an escort really attracting, and see whether I can reach O with E, in which case the cause of the problem could not be physiological.

I rule out 1) because I would loose all the benefits of reboot. I also rule out solution 2)  because I am not (yet) vaccinated against Covid, and I feel as very risky to get so near with a girl who possibly meets dozen of men . The last time I had a full and copious E was in June 2019 with an escort, however, before I met my partner: thus the doubt is legitimate...

The third possibility could be that of being checked by a specialist MD, and eventually get some testosteron. I never did this. I fear that a medical help could have a negative psychological effect on me, like on those who assume Viagra/Cialis: dependence...

Could it be that my brain is still used to the very particular way of being hand stimulated (M) that still, despite allowing me  to get a long erection, does not allow me to get a conclusion (E)? I think that in any case I will wait longer before embarking in any of these paths, both because in these pandemic times it is not wise to undertake actions and because a real, complete reboot can possibly take longer than just three months.

 

[roark]

Hi Marco

From your early posts it seems that you could E just with M before you started to reboot.
If that's the case maybe it's not a physical thing.
I used to have DE when I was younger (to the point that I couldn't ejaculate at all during intercourse) and it was probably linked to PMO and edging, even though at the time I wasn't aware of that and I thought it was some kind of inhibition. I remember I overcame it with time, increasing the level of intimacy with my gf... But I guess all cases are different.
Be sure to stay away from P!

 

[marco_60]

Thank you for your comments, Roark ! I have waited until this weekend before coming back here, because weekends are test days for me: I meet with my girlfriend.
This time I almost arrived to the point of having E, at least I felt that I was very near to that. Since last update I have been very busy at work, and I hae not thought even for a single moment about PMO. I confirm to be out of flatline, I see I look at attractive women with interest, thus this is not the problem. And I continue to be hard when I am with my girlfriend: she reaches multiple O's tus neither this is the problem. Probably when I start having sex I am concerned about reaching O, and this worry negatively affects me.

 

[marco_60]

I am approaching 4 months of reboot without any relapse and/or any PMO. Yesterday I got the first dose of the AZ vaccine and I had some temperature, today I only am a little bit confused but overall I am fine.
Before vaccination I had a weekend with very good time wit my GF (in bed too), but without reaching E. My erection is very strong, my desire too, but I think I have some psychological constraint: I feel I am near to conclude, but then I start to wonder abut myself and I do not finish.
I continue to consider the possibility of trying with an escort, but I want to connect this possibility with the achievement of one professional target: this will give me more confidence in myself. If it is a psychological problem, the removal of all the conditions which could affect my self-confidence would be a prerequisite to attain a result.

 

[marco_60]

Yesterday for the first time I started to feel sperm in my penis, while laying with my girlfriend: I could not ejaculate, but I have the impression that things are going better. It is not only because spring is arriving (it is still rather cold), but also that I am more relaxed, less anxious. Since last July I embarked in few important projects: I moved to a different town because I bought eventually my apartment (I lived renting until now), I moved to a new town, I was concerned with loans and mortcages...but finally things are more stable now, and this helps me to relax and enjoy also my life with my girlfriend. I continue having fantasies about sex with random women, it is just a nofap stimulation and I see that I am reactive to these fantasies.

 

[marco_60]

Today, for the first time since the start of reboot, I thought in a nostalgic way about P. I was not tempted to break the reboot, but I felt some interest to see some movies or check PornHub. I have not done, of course, but I wonder about myself. Maybe it is because the incoming Spring and this general feeling that the pandemic is mitigating its impact start to excite my desires. I am sure I will not relapse, yet it is curious that this happens now.

 

[Phineas 808]

Today, for the first time since the start of reboot, I thought in a nostalgic way about P.

I understand this nostalgia to some extent. For me, there seemed to be an emotional connection to P that beckoned for my reaction... This could be because we yet see some 'value' that P has for us, as if it had anything to offer us...?

This nostalgia, too, can simply be the lower brain trying to get you to engage in your former behaviors.

Of course, today's nostalgia can become tomorrow's regret.

Be well.

 

[marco_60]

Thank you for your words, P808 ! I totally agree about your conclusion. Reading other journals here (not your one, however!), I notice a difference with many people here: the lack of any sense of guilt concerning PMO. I feel it harmful not because of religious convictions, only because it has seriously impaired my sexual performances. Maybe this is why I do not find particularly difficult to "resist" it...

 

[Phineas 808]

Reading other journals here (not your one, however!), I notice a difference with many people here: the lack of any sense of guilt concerning PMO. I feel it harmful not because of religious convictions, only because it has seriously impaired my sexual performances. Maybe this is why I do not find particularly difficult to "resist" it...

Perhaps, brother. Even aside from religious considerations, porn is an immoral and evil problem on an individual and societal level, for sure.

However, moralizing it can be a two-edged sword. It can help, as my whole user name "Phineas" points toward the book of Numbers in the Bible, and how zealous the character was in judging immorality- applying this to myself, of course. This helps me to take it serious on a spiritual level, and to hopefully have the zeal needed to 'burn' this crap out of my heart and life. For me, it's definitely a heart issue, before it's a penis issue (as I don't even suffer from PIED).

The negative side of moralizing this is that it may work against us, as all legalism or self-righteousness tends to do. Because if we approach the law incorrectly (as in, Thou shalt not commit adultery), as from a place of self-righteousness, we can only bring condemnation and shame upon ourselves. This is why we must first come from that place of extreme grace that says,

No matter where you're at, how bad you are, God has forgiven you of ALL sin, and you are now saved and righteous.

Only from that place can we correctly apply moralism, as it should be, from a place of love- first from God, and then from ourselves; from a place of 'done' and not 'do'.

 

[JerryTX]

Perhaps, brother. Even aside from religious considerations, porn is an immoral and evil problem on an individual and societal level, for sure.

However, moralizing it can be a two-edged sword. It can help, as my whole user name "Phineas" points toward the book of Numbers in the Bible, and how zealous the character was in judging immorality- applying this to myself, of course. This helps me to take it serious on a spiritual level, and to hopefully have the zeal needed to 'burn' this crap out of my heart and life. For me, it's definitely a heart issue, before it's a penis issue (as I don't even suffer from PIED).

The negative side of moralizing this is that it may work against us, as all legalism or self-righteousness tends to do. Because if we approach the law incorrectly (as in, Thou shalt not commit adultery), as from a place of self-righteousness, we can only bring condemnation and shame upon ourselves. This is why we must first come from that place of extreme grace that says,

No matter where you're at, how bad you are, God has forgiven you of ALL sin, and you are now saved and righteous.

Only from that place can we correctly apply moralism, as it should be, from a place of love- first from God, and then from ourselves; first from a place of 'done' and not 'do'.

Great answer and dialogue here in this thread. Thanks for everyone sharing! NO PMO

 

[marco_60]

Perhaps, brother. Even aside from religious considerations, porn is an immoral and evil problem on an individual and societal level, for sure.

However, moralizing it can be a two-edged sword.

Thank you for your interesting comments, PH808! I think you touch a sensible issue here. I have to admit that I have never seen the (im)moral aspect of porn and in general of PMO, although I am perfectly aware of the huge human exploitation issues which run around the porn industry, which however are not the issues you mention. I understand that you are a believer while I am an agnostic: yet, it is interesting that, despite our different driving motivations, we both have felt the urge of escaping the inner slavery which PMO represents for human beings.

 

[marco_60]

Finally, almost six months after the start of reboot without any relapse I got a positive result: I could E following a normal stimulation ! It is a first success, I know there will be more failures on the way, but I am happy.

 

[guitar1968]

Finally, almost six months after the start of reboot without any relapse I got a positive result: I could E following a normal stimulation ! It is a first success, I know there will be more failures on the way, but I am happy.

This is great news. Hope you keep coming back and updating us and I hope all is still good.

 

[marco_60]

This is great news. Hope you keep coming back and updating us and I hope all is still good.

Long time since my last report. I feel a little embarrassed to admit, but the chain of good results continues. I rigorously do not make any M, but I am highly reactive to P, and sexually very active with my gf. She is working hard thses days and we have very little time to lay together, but that little time my performances surprised myself. It works, uys! Be perseverant and you too will see the results .