A long journey...

marco_60

Active Member
Recovery is now consolidating :). I had sex without problems with my GF basically every day without any difficulties (certainly summer heat helps, particularly at our age). I do not feel any urge to PMO, and I do not feel any attraction towards pornography. Basically, my two sources of everyday's excitement are my GF and my job.
Guys: if we will be constant it will get to work (y): I am the living proof of this...
 

marco_60

Active Member
A lot of events have happened during this long (two years, nine months and one day) intermission. I have no time right now to describe everything, it is Monday after Easter and I have to go out....but I felt it was important to write again this journal.
 

marco_60

Active Member
As promised, I update this Journal, with the intention of producing an update more or less weekly from now on.

During the two and half years after the last update I have moved to another town, started another job and found a stable, satisfying relationship. This new start has kept me very busy. In particular my new and, I hope, final partner has kept me emotionally busy, as I had to learn to know her and her family. Sex has been very gratifying at the beginning, then there have been long weeks when it was absent, and now we have started again. In the meantime I went through a delicate passage: circumcision, in September last year. Only since few weeks I have regained ny sensitivity, to a point where I have started to appreciate again having intercourses with my partner.

I was quite worried about the loss of paenis sensibility, and to test myself I started again PMO in October and November. But I stopped when I realized that it was not helping, quite the opposite. Now I am in my fourth week without PMO, and I feel I am regaining sexual interest. For me what is particularly harming is P: getting used to sexual stimulation through videos and images implies an equivalent loss of interest towards real women and real sex.

I tend to use PMO when I go through difficulties either with my job and/or with my partner. However, the fear of not getting excited from a sane, direct sexual stimulation is now very strong for me. I am confident I will continue without difficulties on the mentally healthy road of self re-education of my brain.
 

marco_60

Active Member
I notice that some people here seem to be moved by a sense of culprit, as if practicing PMO is a sin and their sexual problems are a divine punishment for this sin. As of me, I do not share these motivations, but I know that for deep believers it is a matter of faith.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I notice that some people here seem to be moved by a sense of culprit, as if practicing PMO is a sin and their sexual problems are a divine punishment for this sin. As of me, I do not share these motivations, but I know that for deep believers it is a matter of faith.

You're right, Marco. Many do have that view, and ironically, that view worked against me for years. When I used to moralize my addiction (not that there's not a moral component), it only strengthened my habits.

If one is religious (and its okay of course if they're not), it's so important to view God- not as punishing one with sexual problems :oops:, but as loving and supportive, understanding our weaknesses. That's helped me immensely, that God loves me, even in spite of my failures.

Regardless, we're all here to help each other. We all, religious or not, recognize that PMO is against the best version of ourselves, and guilting ourselves, shaming ourselves, only tightens the chains. Forgiving yourself (if that's needed), or letting go of the shame is all we need to be the better version of ourselves.
 

Freerider

Active Member
You're right, Marco. Many do have that view, and ironically, that view worked against me for years. When I used to moralize my addiction (not that there's not a moral component), it only strengthened my habits.

If one is religious (and its okay of course if they're not), it's so important to view God- not as punishing one with sexual problems :oops:, but as loving and supportive, understanding our weaknesses. That's helped me immensely, that God loves me, even in spite of my failures.

Regardless, we're all here to help each other. We all, religious or not, recognize that PMO is against the best version of ourselves, and guilting ourselves, shaming ourselves, only tightens the chains. Forgiving yourself (if that's needed), or letting go of the shame is all we need to be the better version of ourselves.
I think that god loves us are we or not believers or what ever we have done. Punishment of sin with sexual problems sound weird for me. Maybe so that when we do bad things it might have some consequences, but its different than somebodys punishment. Keep going reboot!
 

marco_60

Active Member
Weekly update. Third week without PMO. I realize that this time I do not have a long flat period: instead I experienced an increase of sexual desire and a steady improvement of my performances. Last weekend I had two very nice morning session with my girlfriend (already more than four years together, we live twenty meters distance from each other in two different flats). Although I did not reach E the second time I arrived very near to it.

Maybe what makes the difference this time is that sex is not my main concern, I am not worried about my future performances. I do not feel any wish to see P, or to perform M, yet I do not know how it will be in future (but I do not think about it). I have very regular morning woods since I started abstinence, now more than three weeks ago, and my lovely job keeps me interested and active all time.
 

marco_60

Active Member
One week ago I had a very nice surprise: for the first time in many years I had a real O during an ejaculation. It was a normal sex intercourse, I am now used to the fact that I do not E, but this time to my great surprise I reached a complete climax, and while I was still hard, i.e. not a premature E. she was very happy, we stayed almost one minute enjoying the moment.
From time to time these days I feel the interest to see some P, but it is not mentally difficult to avoid giving up, even when I feel pressed. These instincts however probably mean that my brain has not "forgotten" the MO "mode" of operating. The way before me is still long.
 

marco_60

Active Member
Last night I had a very active dream :). I am really amazed because maybe last time was twenty years ago o_O. I woke up and I realized I had had a copious E. The dream was very realistic, I remember I was very excited and I must have also said something during my sleep. Luckily my partner did not wake up.
I regard this as a good sign.
 
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marco_60

Active Member
I felt no push towards PMO since I came back to this journal three weeks ago. But what is more amazing is that this time I do not feel any low interest for sex and women. Quite the opposite, as seen from the recent episodes I have written above. I think this is related to the fact that, after a long struggle, I have solved my job problems and I feel relaxed.
 

marco_60

Active Member
Yesterday I had a boring work day and I was feeling a strong push towards having sex or seeing P. During the night sleep I had again an erotic dream and E, but it was less abundant than few days before. I continue not feeling attracted by PMO, but the push towards sex is high. Probably is the usual Spring effect.
 
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marco_60

Active Member
Yesterday I had one of the best sexual intercourses since many years. Now I do not have any more PIED, I keep away from MO and when by accident I see some pornographic images I turn away without any regrets. As a result, real women and real sex give me again the excitation
necessary to have a complete intercourse.
I can certainly do better, but these tests show that I am on the right track
:).
 
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marco_60

Active Member
The past week I had a couple of temptations to relapse, but it was not difficult to resist. At my age (64) I do not need sex every day, but the incoming Spring raises some more frequent desires in me. I have too much work and bureaucratic annoyances to think all the time about having sex, this is why in some hidden part of my mind the suggestion to relapse at times comes again. This journal, where I record also my progress, helps me remembering the joy of feeling again confident in my sexual capabilities, once free of the mental conditioning of P. Instead of searching for P online I come here and write something: it helps.
 

marco_60

Active Member
The past week went smooth, no PMO but I had a nice morning with my partner. We only have time during the weekend these times, my sexual reaction was good and satisfying. I had no E but this unfortunately for me has become a rule. I wonder why I had basically no flatline since I started again the reboot (April 1st, this year). Yet I have memory of P, although since then I have looked only one or two times porn sites, and never for more than 2-3 minutes. This means that possibly my brain is not completely free. Yet, I do not find difficult to live without PMO. Not until now, at least.
 
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marco_60

Active Member
I was out for job during the past ten days, had no PMO,:), which is something because in the past in my hotel room after work I often looked at porn. But this time I had no temptation to relapse. My interest for sex is not constant every day, yet I register a reasonable self-confidence in myself, based on the recent past activity. This wakes my interest up...
 
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