The voice I always hear - "What's one more day?"

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hi all,

I'm 32, single, and have lived by myself for the last 9 years.  I've known for a long time P could become an addiction, and I know that I historically become addicted to things that give me any kind of escape, yet for some reason, I never thought this would be an addiction of mine, or even that it was slowly becoming one.  I only realized this now, as in the last 18 months I've gotten a good handle on all of my other addictions, yet somehow completely missed this one...and I'm paying for it.  And really, my addiction isn't so much P, or alcohol, or any one thing, but more so self soothing.  Something I unfortunately learned very young, was how to check out of the moment (and more importantly, the pain) and feel better.  Sadly, this behavior, once you start trying to function like a person who actually wants to experience life, just becomes painful self loathing memory (at least for me).

That is where I currently stand, being flooded with memories of ways I self soothed that make me feel inhuman now.  Make me feel like a monster.  Make me feel like all the worst things I always thought of the world.  The best part, if anybody confessed these things to me as if they had done them, I would of course say "Hey, it's not good to do this, not appropriate," but immediately remind them they really have nothing to feel so bad about as their intention was not to hurt anybody, they actually did not hurt anybody, and it wasn't behavior they repeated over and over again.  I've just described all of these memories accurately, and yet, despite me not wanting anyone else to be hard on themselves or feel pain (outside of maybe initial guilt that comes with clarity and awareness, and of course repentance (not necessarily in a religious sense)) I am constantly beating myself down.  Frequently telling myself that I'm unlovable, or unfit for society, or if anyone knew these handful of things, they'd no longer love me or want anything to do with me.  It's insidious.

Anyway, coming back to the PMO, I can clearly see it has become an addiction, and it got a violent shove this year in the isolation due to Covid.  I'm not necessarily addicted to M by itself, but I have definitely used it as an escape at inappropriate times as I will detail below.  But PMO for sure is an addiction of mine.  I check all the boxes from what I've read on this site and YBOP (just bought the book and excited to read it).  I do not suffer from PIED, although I've not been with a woman in nearly 4 years (also another reason I'm sure the addiction has grown as a substitution).  I've been trying to "cutback" for the last 45 days or so, and I've made it at most 9 days in that time, and then I promptly had a bad memory of something I did (which I know is in part to get me to hate myself so I will self soothe) and then had a binge and a breakdown.  The most I've made it since is about 2-3 days.  Right now I'm sitting at about 24 hours, and I'm tired of hurting, and hurting myself, so I decided to stop just lurking on this site and make a post.  Which is why I chose the title I did.  Anytime I try to do something new, cut back on P, cut back on alcohol, adopt a decent diet and exercise program, I always hear, in the most seductive voice, "What's one more day?"  And even more so "There's always tomorrow."  Now there is always tomorrow, however, it can't be an excuse to engage in self destructive behavior today.  I heard the voice last night, and it even said "You already watched P earlier today, why not just close the day out with it?"  This was the first time I said to myself "Fuck you, I'm tired of hurting, I'm not doing it."  It felt really good...for about 10 seconds.  Then I couldn't sleep and cried most of the night.  The phrase "beggars can't be choosers" comes to mind here.

I tried SAA for a bit, but it just wasn't for me.  I didn't necessarily resonate with the acting out piece, and more so, the consequences that followed from their actions.  My only consequence is self hatred, which is damning enough in its own right.  I did love the people at SAA though, so warm and welcoming, and it gave me hope that even as self destructive as I am, I have a chance of coming out of this thing on the other side.  I'm hoping posting here and doing the reading and working with my therapist will be enough.  When I first came to this site and YBOP, it really clicked, and I'm ready.

**POTENTIAL TRIGGER IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH**

I will not go into any graphic detail, but what I touched on earlier, the memories that are coming back to me, all surround M.  I have a memory of M when I was sleeping in the same room with someone several years ago (was probably 25), someone close to me.  I cannot remember this next one for sure, but I may have M'ed when I was sleeping in the same bed as someone (around the same time as the person in the same room, but different person).  The same bed I can't remember if I actually did or not (yet no alcohol or anything was impairing me either).  Both of these times I was in a place I did not want to be, I was not happy.  I was uncomfortable and did not want to be there.  I'm not excusing my behavior in the least, I know it is wrong and a violation, but given my mental state, I was self soothing as I always do.  Really had nothing to do with the people who were near me (though I was attracted to the person who was in the same room with me, but it was not the reason I started...but I have no doubt it added to the need to do the M).  Two or three other memories I have are M-ing while on the phone with someone, most recent being sometime earlier this year after Covid.  Again, it had nothing to do with them, they were long phone calls I did not want to be on, but felt I had to be out of obligation to the person on the other end (not the same person on each call).  I wasn't getting off on being on the phone, nor did I ever proactively call someone with that thought in mind.  But again, not excusing the behavior, I know it is an extreme violation.  I knew these things weren't proper behavior at the time, but I've always been able to rationalize with myself, that if something doesn't hurt another person, meaning it does not have any impact on them, then who cares?  If I'm the only one who knows about it, then what's the harm?  Well now that's biting me.  The other rationalization I had was that this would only take a matter of seconds, literally 45-60 seconds each memory I described (unfortunately given chronic PMO, I've become "efficient").  So, not hurting anybody, I'll only know, takes one minute tops, and there you get dumb decision and self loathing behavior.

I feel so gross with the above.  I realize now the violation these things are and it's making me absolutely hate myself.  As I said earlier, I feel unfit, unlovable, and so so gross.  Telling myself I didn't hurt anyone, nor would I have, doesn't even help anymore.  If I felt there was the slightest chance I'd get caught, I wouldn't have done it, but I knew I wouldn't and I knew it wouldn't hurt anybody, so decided to be stupid.  As my good friend points out, these things did hurt someone though...me.  That is true, because I am suffering as if I did hurt someone in far worse ways.  What's worse is my mind tells me I should suffer.  That I am gross and disgusting, which of course makes me want to give in to any kind of self soothing.  But I'm trying not to.  I also realize the pattern, as I started to cut out P, memories started coming back, memories that allow me to think of myself as these unforgivable labels.  I can't imagine this is purely coincidence.

My issue all my life, I'm realizing, is being hard on myself, not liking myself.  Not liking myself so much that I would do gross things (my friend also does not like the word gross, he prefers inappropriate, which I'm trying to use, but gross is how I feel now).  But of course, only do them, if no one else knew.  It's almost the perfect way to torture myself, do something that is indeed of a violation of someone, but do it in a way they would never know, so they can't hold me accountable, and then I can use it later to self soothe...or now that I'm not self soothing, use it as a way to really hate myself.  Hopefully anyone reading can see why I chose the username I did...right now it's all just pain, and what's worse, self inflicted pain...it truly is worse when you have nowhere to look but in the mirror...but I've also been told when you start to do this, life becomes much more enjoyable.

I'll close.  My goal is obviously not just to quit PMO, but more so to actually care for myself and not hate myself.  Escape the shame, and put all these things behind me.  The hardest part is not feeling like me.  I love to joke around and laugh.  I love caring for people and helping people (though this was also a method I used to avoid dealing with myself).  But everybody can see it and hear it in my voice.  I want to be me again, but a version of me without the bullshit.  P does feel like my last addiction (at the moment) outside of being addicted to hating myself I suppose.  I look forward to being free of both and I look forward to sharing all of it here.  And I really want to change that voice in my head from "What's one more day?" to "What's today?"  A bit corny I know, but it's where I want to be.

Thanks for reading!
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Hi hakid, welcome to the forum. I wish I could tell you there was an easy way to quit PMO, but unfortunately there isn't. You just have to slog through for a number of months directly facing the beast of PMO and not giving in. Just know that once you go past the 60 day mark, it generally gets significantly easier for most people. Good luck.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
akpal2 said:
Hi hakid, welcome to the forum. I wish I could tell you there was an easy way to quit PMO, but unfortunately there isn't. You just have to slog through for a number of months directly facing the beast of PMO and not giving in. Just know that once you go past the 60 day mark, it generally gets significantly easier for most people. Good luck.

Thanks ak, appreciate the encouragement.  It is very hard, any time I get bored or stressed, the thought to PMO comes into my mind.  I'll look forward to 60 days for sure!  I'm assuming this is much harder for all of us right now given the lack of options to get out of the house too.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 2:

Still having thoughts to PMO.  In particular, I have the same thoughts telling me how gross I am, and how bad of a person I am, and then my mind will start to wonder to P, and I can actually feel some relief in the moment.  I have to shake the thought out of my head, but then the self loathing thoughts come back.  Fun little circle.  I won't give into it, just keep trying to remind myself that I did some inappropriate things in my addiction, but it was the addiction and self soothing taking over.  And again, I hurt no one, except myself, although I can't seem to forgive myself anyway.  I keep judging myself from an external viewpoint.  Some imaginary audience where these acts that I did are read off and the crowd is disgusted by me and labels me a creep, and sick, and that I shouldn't be allowed around anyone.

I also overlooked how boredom played a role, particularly with the two incidents I described in my first post on the phone.  When I'm bored, I always start thinking about sex and P.  And that's what it was on the phone.  Only one of the incidents was P involved, the other time was just massive boredom and I M'ed.  Again, not excusing behavior, but I can see now that addiction was driving the behavior.  I've been reading a lot on here how boredom often plays a role in the decision to PMO.  It makes sense.  When we're bored we have nothing to occupy our mind, and in my case, when that happens, and I'm not obsessing over something, or thinking of some way that I'm a bad person, I do stupid shit that I described previously.  I've done it with my other addictions too.  Another fun circle.

Right now, just hoping the self hating thoughts can subside.  I know they're in part driven by my addiction, but it's also what I've done my whole life, hate myself.  I've only just now realized it.  It's brutal though, all these bad things my mind says I am and then I hear that seductive voice asking why do I bother fighting it, if I'm already such a shitty person?  Like I said, I won't give into it, but the days are really hard and long.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 3:

I think I'm going through some withdrawal.  I know it's only Day 3, but it's becoming unbearable.  The self hating thoughts are insanely tough.  When I was PMO-ing last week, these thoughts would occasionally come to me, but they had far less of an effect, as I know later that evening I could PMO.  I'm hoping this new intensity is in large part due to withdrawal.  I'm hoping the withdrawal symptoms I list below are truly that of withdrawal.  I know the depression, anxiety, and not liking myself are things I've always struggled with, but this is something I've never experienced.  Being stuck in the house for work sucks.  I try to plan to get out of the house daily, run errands, or just go on a walk or a drive, but during the day I'm so sad and miserable between meetings.  It's hard to pull it together.

Symptoms:
Depression
Anxiety
Disturbing thoughts
Crying a lot
Past memories bothering me non-stop
Sexual Dreams (one dream in particular someone was sending me homemade P, and I felt so guilty in the dream looking at it, like it was something I knew I shouldn't be doing, but had trouble stopping myself)
Getting chills
Trouble sleeping
Feeling like things will never be better
Feeling worthless/unlovable
So much shame

That's predominantly what I'm struggling with right now.  I'm hoping others have felt similar things?  Anyone else tormented by past mistakes they made, like the memory is telling you how bad of a person you are?

When I start to think about PMO, or even just P, I do feel some relief, but as I said before I have to shake that thought out and tell myself no.  This all really sucks.  I have moments where I ask myself if this is worth it, is being free of PMO truly worth all of this.  I'm hoping it is, because I don't see how anyone can live like this.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
im(not)aquitter said:
Read this:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

I liked it and wanted to share :)

Yep I read this several days ago and it was one of my motivators.  But thank you for sharing, it was nice to read again, especially surrounding the withdrawal.  Hard to embrace it, and think of it as progress, but I'll try!
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 4:

Today was a bit easier to manage, still having the bad thoughts, but nothing that was hurting me as much as this past week.  Felt very cold all day though, which it is cold out, but it's rare that I actually feel cold.  Not sure if another sign of withdrawal?

I can still feel a weight lift when my mind wonders to PMO.  I can feel my mind pulling me to it sometime.  But the thought of it, while it does lift some weight in the moment, makes me feel so shameful.  Every sexual thought makes me feel shameful right now.  And I was so used to having sex on the mind, and now it seems like it's doubled.  Every single thing I see is almost a trigger.  A woman on tv, video game, talking to a woman on a call at work, everything makes me think of sex and PMO.  It's nice to reaffirm my attraction, because I was slightly questioning that sometimes, but this is brutal.

But I was able to focus better today, got out of the house for a little bit which always helps.  I find putting the news on in the background when I'm in between calls helps too.  Helps fill the empty space.  When it's dead silent in my house I can start to feel anxiety setting in.

I've been though this before, where I'll have better days, and then the next day feels like I've reset back to the beginning, so already dreading tomorrow, which only means I'm setting myself up for a shitty day.  Weekends are always tough as well (especially in Covid-land).  I'm pretty confident in my resolve to not PMO, or even MO, but I really need a break from my mind telling me what a horrible person I am and how unlovable I am and what a fraud I am.  I'd give anything for just a few minutes break from that.
 
Hello TheHeartacheKid,

Firstly, welcome. Secondly, I'll try not to write too much (as it's your journal) but I can certainly relate to many of the aspects and challenges you identify. I am a similar age to you and I have known about my PA for almost 10 years. I discovered PA after encountering PIED and PE with my girlfriend at the time, who was in fact my first gf and first sexual partner, and then finding the YBOP website.

At the very beginning of my recovery, it took time to build up any extended period of sobriety. For maybe 4-5 months I'd manage 4 to 6 days clean and then slip, which was very frustrating. However, I felt that even these short periods eventually had a cumulative effect and when I finally broke the cycle of roughly one slip a week, I then went almost 6 months sober. I suppose my point is if you slip, don't get yourself down; a few sober days here and there will soon become a week, which will soon become a month. It takes a while to wean yourself off P so as long as the sober days are outnumbering the P-consumption / PMO days, you're heading in the right direction.

And on the topic of withdrawal symptoms, when I first learnt about PA, it sh*t me up so much that I went tee-total straight away. From where I was at that time PMO-wise - No less than 2-4 PMOs EVERY SINGLE day; I literally couldn't get enough - going tee-total was such a significant change (to my brain) that after maybe 3-4 days of going tee-total I experienced awful withdrawal symptoms. The mood swings were unbelievable (happy, sad, angry, annoyed, depressed, elated, confused), I'd feel hungry but couldn't stomach food, I'd feel nauseous, I'd feel hot then cold, I couldn't sleep, I'd be extremely restless with my body not really feeling like my own, I had truly terrible headaches, and I couldn't focus on anything as millions of thoughts would be racing around my brain and constantly ricocheting off one another. No joke, I thought I was losing my mind. The peak of my withdrawal lasted less than a week and then finally started to calm down but it wasn't a fun period of time at all.  I mention all this not just in the context of my initial withdrawal but also whenever I occasionally consume P and PMO now. If I do PMO now, I ALWAYS experience 2-3 days of poor sleep and then for at least a week, maybe two, I have mild brain fog and I find my thoughts to be very much on the negative side. After three weeks I'm back to normal again but although I consume P much more sparingly (and have been for quite a few years now) I still experience similar symptoms to those of my initial withdrawal, albeit far less worse and for a much shorter duration. I call it a P hangover...

Anyway, I'll leave it at that and wish you all the best. I am back in my family home (due to lockdown and Covid) and have been for almost 10 months now and I have felt mentally and physically 'shackled' for some time now so I can only imagine what a difficult period it has been for you in your situation. I hope that you continue to build up a few sober days here and there because, in my experience, it definitely helps in the first stage of a recovery from PA.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
happydude619 said:
Hello TheHeartacheKid,

Firstly, welcome. Secondly, I'll try not to write too much (as it's your journal) but I can certainly relate to many of the aspects and challenges you identify. I am a similar age to you and I have known about my PA for almost 10 years. I discovered PA after encountering PIED and PE with my girlfriend at the time, who was in fact my first gf and first sexual partner, and then finding the YBOP website.

At the very beginning of my recovery, it took time to build up any extended period of sobriety. For maybe 4-5 months I'd manage 4 to 6 days clean and then slip, which was very frustrating. However, I felt that even these short periods eventually had a cumulative effect and when I finally broke the cycle of roughly one slip a week, I then went almost 6 months sober. I suppose my point is if you slip, don't get yourself down; a few sober days here and there will soon become a week, which will soon become a month. It takes a while to wean yourself off P so as long as the sober days are outnumbering the P-consumption / PMO days, you're heading in the right direction.

And on the topic of withdrawal symptoms, when I first learnt about PA, it sh*t me up so much that I went tee-total straight away. From where I was at that time PMO-wise - No less than 2-4 PMOs EVERY SINGLE day; I literally couldn't get enough - going tee-total was such a significant change (to my brain) that after maybe 3-4 days of going tee-total I experienced awful withdrawal symptoms. The mood swings were unbelievable (happy, sad, angry, annoyed, depressed, elated, confused), I'd feel hungry but couldn't stomach food, I'd feel nauseous, I'd feel hot then cold, I couldn't sleep, I'd be extremely restless with my body not really feeling like my own, I had truly terrible headaches, and I couldn't focus on anything as millions of thoughts would be racing around my brain and constantly ricocheting off one another. No joke, I thought I was losing my mind. The peak of my withdrawal lasted less than a week and then finally started to calm down but it wasn't a fun period of time at all.  I mention all this not just in the context of my initial withdrawal but also whenever I occasionally consume P and PMO now. If I do PMO now, I ALWAYS experience 2-3 days of poor sleep and then for at least a week, maybe two, I have mild brain fog and I find my thoughts to be very much on the negative side. After three weeks I'm back to normal again but although I consume P much more sparingly (and have been for quite a few years now) I still experience similar symptoms to those of my initial withdrawal, albeit far less worse and for a much shorter duration. I call it a P hangover...

Anyway, I'll leave it at that and wish you all the best. I am back in my family home (due to lockdown and Covid) and have been for almost 10 months now and I have felt mentally and physically 'shackled' for some time now so I can only imagine what a difficult period it has been for you in your situation. I hope that you continue to build up a few sober days here and there because, in my experience, it definitely helps in the first stage of a recovery from PA.

Thank you so much for the kind words happydude!  For the last 60 days or so, what you described at first is what I have been doing.  Get a few days in, and then I'd relapse, then another few days and relapse.  I feel the withdrawal I think each time as well.  When I was "using" even as little as once a day I noticed I felt better overall, which clearly indicated the addiction for me.

And yes, the isolation is brutal.  I'm glad you're with your family though, when I was home for Christmas, while it still sucked, it was nice to be around people.  I'm considering going back for a week next month, change of scenery and company.

The hungry and not stomaching food resonates.  I notice I'm hungry, but have little desire to eat, and even when I do eat, nowhere near what I'm accustomed to eating (which may be a blessing in disguise for my bathroom scale :)).

I thank you again for posting and sharing.  I hope to hear from you again!
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 5 without PMO
Day 3 without MO

Negative thoughts are still brutal.  Punishing me for the things I've done, and more so punishing me for things I didn't do.  Punishing me as if some external presence was there passing judgment on me.  The thought of PMO usually accompanies these thoughts, but not giving in.

The addiction is so evident now, looking back.  I'd be at my parents house, just watching tv with them, but I'd be browsing and bookmarking scenes that I could download when I got home.  I had nearly 1000 bookmarks at one point, I was addicted to even just bookmarking.  Looking forward to downloading them and then watching was so thrilling.  I liked to have them on my hard-drive more so then watch on a website on my phone.  Somehow more comforting.  Gluttony as I'm looking back on it.

Over Christmas, when I was home with my parents, I had a thought of how fun it would be to be back home browsing and downloading scene after scene.  I could feel the rush go through my whole body.  Intoxicating.

It's funny, I don't have a strong urge to PMO, the thought comes and it excites me, but it's followed by shame.  Mostly what's in my head repeatedly how bad of a person I am for the things I described in my first post.  Unrelenting.  I know it's the addiction fighting back, but I constantly ask myself why am I putting myself through hell, just to not watch P?  It's more than that, I know, but the voice is there.  Mind telling me even if I slip today, I can get back on track tomorrow.  Mind telling me that I know how to take the pain away.  I won't do it.  But damn, I know I keep saying it, but I'd give anything for just a few minutes break from being inside my head, hating myself so much.
 

imaquitter

Active Member
Keep it up. You are getting the hang of it. I did really stupid things too. If I meditate upon it will only poison my mind.

I try to focus on the person I want to be. The one I want others to see. You know, only a few people could see who I was. My addiction was hidden. And it was dark. Embarrassing. Still so hard to talk about.

I hurt my wife really bad. Even knowing all that I failed again and again. Right now I'm porn free, and I know you can do it too!
I believe in you 😊

Good night!
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Thank you quitter for the encouragement!  I do my best not to ruminate, but it is non-stop in my mind.  But trying to distract myself more.

Day 6 without PMO
Day 0 with MO

Last night I had a pretty good night, the bad thoughts were still there, but reading and posting on here really calmed me down and made me feel pretty good.  Was able to watch a movie and sleep peacefully.  Before sleep I had a lot of urges to PMO.  I did not, kind of laughed it off, and took a melatonin to ensure I slept.

But I had more sexual dreams.  This dream didn't even involve sex, but it was the anticipation of it.  When I woke up, my mind was racing with thoughts of my ex and memories and that is when I MO-ed.  I'm glad because I wasn't thinking about P nor did I even have much of an urge to use it, I only had memory and fantasy of my ex in my head.  But afterward, the negative thoughts started coming back and hurting more.  I could also feel the chaser effect a bit today.  I know there is no clear consensus on what to do about MO, but if nothing else, I'd like to try to space it out.  But I also don't want to get into a habit of looking forward to it either.  Think I'll just have to find more ways to distract myself so that urge isn't quite as bad.

Good news is, not feeling too many urges to PMO.  I do still think about it, and I can feel a bit of a rush, but I'm refusing it.

Biggest concern is forgiving myself from these memories and moving forward.  Everybody I talk to tells me there's not much I need to feel bad about, and there is certainly no call for the punishment my mind is putting me through, but I can't turn it off.  As I said before, my mind has always beaten me up, just never realized it so much until recently.  And I know (or at least I'm hoping) a good portion of this is the addiction fighting back.  I know the rush it would be to start browsing, bookmarking, downloading then watching.  Ugh, going to be tough.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 7 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

Today has sucked.  No chaser effect, but my mind is tormenting with these memories.  Particularly those two times where I MO-ed on the phone with someone else.  I know I just did it out of boredom, and because I didn't want to be on the call.  But it just makes me feel so gross.  Like unfit for society as I said.  I know it's not a turn on or kink of mine, I almost wish it was, I don't think I'd feel quite as bad then.  Just feel like such a creep.  I was just home alone and not paying attention to who was on the phone.  But I can't forgive myself.  My mind won't let me.

Urges to PMO aren't bad, which is good.  I still have thoughts to do it, and I can still feel my mind and body get excited, but I won't give in.  I just really wish I could forgive myself and let this go.  I know the behavior on the phone is linked to my chronic use of PMO and just a coping mechanism, but I just feel so shitty.

Hope others are staying strong.
 

King Leer

Member
One way I look at the guilt and shame of it all is best described by this quote from the movie 'Chinatown' -?You see, Mr. Gittes, most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and right place, they're capable of anything.? anyone is capable of evil or wrong and nowadays almost everyone faces the beast that is porn.  It just effects me our you worse than others. It's all brain chemistry, habit forming, addiction. Don't look at yourself like you are bad for something that could of happened to anyone.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
King Leer said:
One way I look at the guilt and shame of it all is best described by this quote from the movie 'Chinatown' -?You see, Mr. Gittes, most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and right place, they're capable of anything.? anyone is capable of evil or wrong and nowadays almost everyone faces the beast that is porn.  It just effects me our you worse than others. It's all brain chemistry, habit forming, addiction. Don't look at yourself like you are bad for something that could of happened to anyone.

Thank you KL, I've never heard that quote before, really resonates.  I know we're all human, my mind just likes to tell me I'm inhuman.  Thank you for the kind words!
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 8 no PMO
Day 2 no MO

Today I've felt better mentally and emotionally.  Still not great, and I often hear my mind telling me I'll never be free of the shame and that I'm unlovable, etc.  But not hitting me as hard today.  It's nice, but it's still there, still hitting me whenever I laugh, or have an enjoyable moment throughout the day.  Hits me and says I shouldn't be enjoying anything because of who I am.

Did have more urges today to PMO.  Almost like because I was feeling better, then I could PMO and it wouldn't be an addiction, just something fun to do.  I laughed it off, because it is so obviously the addiction talking.  Anytime my mind tries to rationalize something like that, it's clearly not who I want to be talking, but the person I'm trying to leave behind...the addict.

I think a part of me not being able to forgive myself or let these acts (that I talk about ad nauseam) go, is because I'm not linking them to P.  But I'm wondering, does viewing P as often as we do as addicts, lead us to doing things like MO at inappropriate times, even when no P is involved?  I can't remember if I was thinking about P or not.  But regardless, with that much P consumption, it must train our bodies to react a certain way, even when P is not available?  That make sense?
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 9 no PMO
Day 3 no MO

Today was again not so bad mentally.  But again, still not great.  Mind still telling me I'll never be free of the shame and that no one would see me as anything but a creep who is unfit for society.  Not hitting me as hard, though I still have my moments.  It's still brutal.

Interesting, the better I feel, the more I feel to PMO.  Like the addiction wants a reward for not torturing me so much.  Today was probably the strongest urge I had, but at no point did I feel in danger to take a look.  Someone randomly mentioned something today (not P related) and my mind immediately thought to look to see if there were any scenes related to that though.  Even told me I didn't have to PMO, just to see if it exists.  Very cunning, but again, never felt like I was about to look.  Actually what it did was trigger a sexual memory of my ex, which I don't mind because I was really turned on by her in that moment...but I don't like that the memory wasn't enough and my mind thought to find something similar in P.  Hoping with the reboot, the memory becomes enough in that scenario.

Hope others are staying strong and feeling better!
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 10 no PMO


When I woke up today, I did MO.  It was all memory of past experiences, which I liked.  Times I remember very much enjoying.  No thoughts of P or anything like that.  And no chaser effect today either.  I'm not counting those days now unless it becomes a problem, but I'm spacing it out regardless, making sure it's not something I'm actively looking forward to.

However, I did notice I started to get a bit sad afterward, like the self-hating thoughts were a bit stronger, so I'll have to watch that.

Been okay mentally today, but I'm kind of in limbo.  Part of me believes that the things I did were out of addiction and self-soothing and that these things hurt no one but me, however, another part of me still says no one else would get that and think that I'm a creep and should be in jail and that I'm all sorts of bad things.  My mind also keeps telling me I'll never be free of this.  I'll never be able to forgive myself and leave this behind.  It really sucks.

Urges aren't bad.  Thoughts of P still come and I can feel my body reacting and getting excited, but I'm still able to shrug it off pretty easily.  If I wasn't stuck at home, I doubt I'd get many urges...although the isolation did make my addiction worse, so who knows.

Biggest concern is still hating myself for these things I described previously.  I just don't feel like I'll ever get beyond them, and I'll always feel bad for laughing, or like a hypocrite when I'm with friends and such.  It's very hard.
 
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