The voice I always hear - "What's one more day?"
- Thread starter TheHeartacheKid
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TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Thank you KL! Good info there.
Day 11 no PMO
Had a stronger urge to PMO last night and today, there was a trigger last night of a GIF someone sent me that reminded of a scene. But I didn't give in. Wonder if part of the urge is potentially the chaser effect from the MO yesterday? Regardless, it was nothing overpowering. And I felt pretty good last night, which is starting to worry me, the better I feel the more I can feel to look at P.
Mentally today was not as good. Hating myself and beating myself up more today. Whenever I get out of the house it doesn't feel quite as bad, but I'm really sick of this isolation. The negative thoughts are just brutal, so painful. Just like a constant reminder of what a horrible person I am for some of the things I did.
Hope others are feeling better and staying strong.
Day 11 no PMO
Had a stronger urge to PMO last night and today, there was a trigger last night of a GIF someone sent me that reminded of a scene. But I didn't give in. Wonder if part of the urge is potentially the chaser effect from the MO yesterday? Regardless, it was nothing overpowering. And I felt pretty good last night, which is starting to worry me, the better I feel the more I can feel to look at P.
Mentally today was not as good. Hating myself and beating myself up more today. Whenever I get out of the house it doesn't feel quite as bad, but I'm really sick of this isolation. The negative thoughts are just brutal, so painful. Just like a constant reminder of what a horrible person I am for some of the things I did.
Hope others are feeling better and staying strong.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Day 12 no PMO
Day 0 no MO
I put the MO counter back on because I think it's a problem. Not that I chronically want to do it, but I seem to feel worse about myself afterward. The negative thoughts come back and hit me harder. And I don't like how much I'm thinking about my past sexual experiences (even though they are good memories) and P...too much sex on the brain. I want to feel like a human again.
Last night and today really sucked. More urges, and more hating myself for my past. I'm really tired of being stuck in the house alone. May go stay with my parents next month. Really sick of hating myself. I need a break from it. I hope most of it is the addict trying to get me to feel bad enough to use, but man it is brutal.
Really struggling, hope others are doing better and staying strong.
Day 0 no MO
I put the MO counter back on because I think it's a problem. Not that I chronically want to do it, but I seem to feel worse about myself afterward. The negative thoughts come back and hit me harder. And I don't like how much I'm thinking about my past sexual experiences (even though they are good memories) and P...too much sex on the brain. I want to feel like a human again.
Last night and today really sucked. More urges, and more hating myself for my past. I'm really tired of being stuck in the house alone. May go stay with my parents next month. Really sick of hating myself. I need a break from it. I hope most of it is the addict trying to get me to feel bad enough to use, but man it is brutal.
Really struggling, hope others are doing better and staying strong.
King Leer
Active Member
I feel for you being alone is really tough. I mean the rare times my wife is gone it's like dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde. Staying with your parents sounds like a great idea. Gotta lean on anyone willing to lend a shoulder. Have you told them about your current battles? I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with them just a thought. Could be a weird conversation haha. I had to tell my parents when I was 25, 9 years ago, when I was trying to quit so they could take internet off my phone.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Thanks KL. I haven't told them yet, I'd like to, but I'm just not ready to have the conversation. And sex in general is not something that was discussed much in my family, it was always so taboo (as it is in the US in general). I do plan to tell my father some day, just maybe when I get more comfortable. Appreciate the support!
Day 13 no PMO
Day 0 no MO
MO is officially not good for me haha. After I did it today (just to stop the obsessive sexual thoughts) I started getting really sad and cried. So much shame hit me. So that for sure has to go for awhile. I realize the sexual thoughts won't stop if I feed them like that with reward, regardless of if P is involved or not. I'll get through it though.
Still struggling mentally. I am having more moments of levity, but primarily, I still have this feeling that I'll never get over my past actions or forgive myself. So much shame. My friend frequently reminds me the things I did weren't actions to be condoned, but certainly nothing to punish myself like this. All I ever did was hurt myself, nobody else, yet I judge myself as if I did the worst things in the world to people and left a slew of victims in my path. What I did wasn't good, but there were no actual victims (aside from me). But, my mind still tells me that's all irrelevant and that no one could ever love me, and that no one ever will.
Fuck you addiction. Hope others are feeling good and making progress.
Day 13 no PMO
Day 0 no MO
MO is officially not good for me haha. After I did it today (just to stop the obsessive sexual thoughts) I started getting really sad and cried. So much shame hit me. So that for sure has to go for awhile. I realize the sexual thoughts won't stop if I feed them like that with reward, regardless of if P is involved or not. I'll get through it though.
Still struggling mentally. I am having more moments of levity, but primarily, I still have this feeling that I'll never get over my past actions or forgive myself. So much shame. My friend frequently reminds me the things I did weren't actions to be condoned, but certainly nothing to punish myself like this. All I ever did was hurt myself, nobody else, yet I judge myself as if I did the worst things in the world to people and left a slew of victims in my path. What I did wasn't good, but there were no actual victims (aside from me). But, my mind still tells me that's all irrelevant and that no one could ever love me, and that no one ever will.
Fuck you addiction. Hope others are feeling good and making progress.
King Leer
Active Member
Yeah I know the feeling its really hard not to blame and punish yourself mentally. I did that for a long time but something kinda switched I really wish I could tell you what it was that helped. But I don't know. I think it was just realizing what I did in the past had been done and could not be changed. So I just decided to view my past and the things I did unapologetically. Yeah I did those things, yep that was me, so what? I'm not doing them anymore and I let go of guy I was. I tried to quit for moralistic reasons many times and failed. But now I am quitting for phsycological and even physiological reasons. To gain back control of my mind and body from my lower brain. And there is nothing shameful about that!
Hi hakid, there is so much I can relate to reading your posts.
The way you expressed your self-hatred really made me compassionate. I started thinking about how I did not like myself when I was younger and how I hurt myself through various things. I used to smoke a lot just to distract me from being lonely, feeling disconnected or just unworthy of being loved. The same is for porn and excessive masturbation.
Actually, I learned to care about myself and to accept me and the person inside me being hurt having done all kinds of weird things to distract me from that hurt.
Maybe someday you too can forgive yourself. And use your experiences to become the person you want to be.
The way you expressed your self-hatred really made me compassionate. I started thinking about how I did not like myself when I was younger and how I hurt myself through various things. I used to smoke a lot just to distract me from being lonely, feeling disconnected or just unworthy of being loved. The same is for porn and excessive masturbation.
Actually, I learned to care about myself and to accept me and the person inside me being hurt having done all kinds of weird things to distract me from that hurt.
Maybe someday you too can forgive yourself. And use your experiences to become the person you want to be.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Thank you KL and Scott. Both of your comments made me feel a bit better today. I like what you both said, that these things are in the past and yes I did them, but I'm not that person anymore. The forgiving I hope comes soon enough.
Day 14 no PMO
Day 1 no MO
Today sucked. Coming to the forum has helped a bit (thanks again KL and Scott!). But it was still really bad. Couldn't get free of the negative thoughts. Over and over I keep hearing how fucked up I am and how undeserving of love and forgiveness I am. I truly wouldn't wish this on anyone, no matter what they did, no one should suffer like this. Ugh.
Urges weren't really there today. Was playing a video game and some of the female characters made me think of P (the characters are clearly designed by men haha). Other than that not bad at all. But they still come, and I hear the seductive voice again saying "This is how we can feel better," but that's a lie, I'll just feel like shit again after. Also dealing with my mind asking "Are we really never going to watch another scene again? Bit drastic isn't it?" The addict inside us all is a real son of a bitch. I'm not listening to him though. And I don't plan to.
Hoping others here and everywhere else are feeling good and doing well.
Day 14 no PMO
Day 1 no MO
Today sucked. Coming to the forum has helped a bit (thanks again KL and Scott!). But it was still really bad. Couldn't get free of the negative thoughts. Over and over I keep hearing how fucked up I am and how undeserving of love and forgiveness I am. I truly wouldn't wish this on anyone, no matter what they did, no one should suffer like this. Ugh.
Urges weren't really there today. Was playing a video game and some of the female characters made me think of P (the characters are clearly designed by men haha). Other than that not bad at all. But they still come, and I hear the seductive voice again saying "This is how we can feel better," but that's a lie, I'll just feel like shit again after. Also dealing with my mind asking "Are we really never going to watch another scene again? Bit drastic isn't it?" The addict inside us all is a real son of a bitch. I'm not listening to him though. And I don't plan to.
Hoping others here and everywhere else are feeling good and doing well.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Day 15 no PMO
Day 2 no MO
Little better mentally today. Still get sinking feelings like I'll never be free of shame or my past. On calls with people at work and my boss and I keep thinking if they knew what a creepy person I was, they wouldn't want anything to do with me or even fire me. Even laughing I still hear that I shouldn't be able to laugh because I'm so disgusting and gross.
Urges not too bad today, someone randomly had the same name of a P-star I like, and I felt a rush through my body to look at my favorite scene of hers. I didn't, but man, the body is so trained and craving it so bad. Amazing how many triggers there can be in the day.
Stay strong all!
Day 2 no MO
Little better mentally today. Still get sinking feelings like I'll never be free of shame or my past. On calls with people at work and my boss and I keep thinking if they knew what a creepy person I was, they wouldn't want anything to do with me or even fire me. Even laughing I still hear that I shouldn't be able to laugh because I'm so disgusting and gross.
Urges not too bad today, someone randomly had the same name of a P-star I like, and I felt a rush through my body to look at my favorite scene of hers. I didn't, but man, the body is so trained and craving it so bad. Amazing how many triggers there can be in the day.
Stay strong all!
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Day 16 no PMO
Day 3 no MO
Mentally wasn't awful today, but still not good. Feels like there is no escape from the shame and self hate. Mind keeps telling me I'm marked for life. Sometimes it's laughable to think that, considering I'm the one offering the information of my bad acts. There's no corroboration. If I wasn't so trained to hate myself, I'd be out of the woods. So to think I'll never be free is nonsensical. I don't want to hide or sweep the things I did away, but how long can I torment myself for actions, that while not to be condoned, hurt no one?
Urges were a bit stronger today. I assume the longer I go without MO they will get stronger...until they eventually get weaker. Not giving in though. Every time I talk to my friend who knows what I'm dealing with, he asks how many days I have without P, and he's always quick to congratulate me. I love that about all of the addiction groups, and I love that about this forum.
And I will say that to everyone else, no matter how many days you've gone, even if only a few hours, it's something to be proud of. Stay strong all.
Day 3 no MO
Mentally wasn't awful today, but still not good. Feels like there is no escape from the shame and self hate. Mind keeps telling me I'm marked for life. Sometimes it's laughable to think that, considering I'm the one offering the information of my bad acts. There's no corroboration. If I wasn't so trained to hate myself, I'd be out of the woods. So to think I'll never be free is nonsensical. I don't want to hide or sweep the things I did away, but how long can I torment myself for actions, that while not to be condoned, hurt no one?
Urges were a bit stronger today. I assume the longer I go without MO they will get stronger...until they eventually get weaker. Not giving in though. Every time I talk to my friend who knows what I'm dealing with, he asks how many days I have without P, and he's always quick to congratulate me. I love that about all of the addiction groups, and I love that about this forum.
And I will say that to everyone else, no matter how many days you've gone, even if only a few hours, it's something to be proud of. Stay strong all.
King Leer
Active Member
Just a thought. You keep saying the "things I did". But then you say you never actually did anything and or hurt anyone. So By my logic you didn't really do anything. You simply saw some stuff and yes it affected you, but now you are not seeing that stuff anymore. I don't think you really did anything. Chances are whatever you saw was already online before you saw it and is still there. it really has nothing to do with you. The begining and the ending of evil in the world is not related to you watching or not watching porn. It simply exists you might have witnessed it but you have chosen most admirably to stop. I don't know if that helps at all it's just how I would see it.
Chris1986
Active Member
A real trap for us self loathing types is living in those shameful moments letting gain more power and having that shame wrap its self around you suffocating you. As it has been stated the only person you hurt was yourself. You need to work on turning that shame into guilt. That makes a huge difference to your mind set. You are telling yourself you ARE a BAD person and you did BAD things but with a readjustment of your thinking you can see you are deep down a good person who has done some bad things. It's easier to forgive yourself once you can view it as guilt.
I cannot stress enough how useful mindfulness is in this recovery process. Learn to live in the moment and be present. Stop and take a few conscious breaths and keep your focus on your breath. Breathing in. Breathing out. When your mind wanders and it will cause that's what brains do gently bring your thoughts back to the breath. Once you can get that down you can bring your focus to things around you like the sound of the wind. Dog barking out side. Anything as long as it is with you in the present. It really it life changing.
Have you considered professional help at all? I know it's not for everyone but I have been having 1 session a week for like 5 months now and it has done me wonders.
I feel like I have gone on enough for now but I hope you are well.
Be kind to yourself.
I cannot stress enough how useful mindfulness is in this recovery process. Learn to live in the moment and be present. Stop and take a few conscious breaths and keep your focus on your breath. Breathing in. Breathing out. When your mind wanders and it will cause that's what brains do gently bring your thoughts back to the breath. Once you can get that down you can bring your focus to things around you like the sound of the wind. Dog barking out side. Anything as long as it is with you in the present. It really it life changing.
Have you considered professional help at all? I know it's not for everyone but I have been having 1 session a week for like 5 months now and it has done me wonders.
I feel like I have gone on enough for now but I hope you are well.
Be kind to yourself.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Thank you guys, really appreciate the kind words.
KL, the acts I describe in my first post were MOing at inappropriate times (people sleeping in the same room, on very long phone calls when I was bored). The phone stuff particularly bothers me. Only happened twice, and it had nothing to do with the other person, just was bored, and for some reason didn't think to hang-up. Not a kink or anything, was just bored so my mind wandered and it only takes me about a minute to self soothe, so I did. Was like I wasn't even on the phone really, but it still makes me feel so gross. That's where most of my shame is from right now, and I know it's related to the addiction, but I feel like such a lowlife for having done that. Even knowing it was just me tuning out the other person and in one instance looking at P to ignore them, in the other, just trying to survive the call. But feel very gross.
Chris, been in therapy for the last three years, P issue only just came out recently as I didn't even realize it had become such a crutch. Therapy actually makes me feel even worse right now to be discussing it. I know it's just shame though. Mindfulness is something I started recently, but I have trouble sticking with it. I do feel calmer after doing it, which calmer is something I cherish right now. I'll get back into a better routing with it. Thanks!
Thank you ak, we're making it!
KL, the acts I describe in my first post were MOing at inappropriate times (people sleeping in the same room, on very long phone calls when I was bored). The phone stuff particularly bothers me. Only happened twice, and it had nothing to do with the other person, just was bored, and for some reason didn't think to hang-up. Not a kink or anything, was just bored so my mind wandered and it only takes me about a minute to self soothe, so I did. Was like I wasn't even on the phone really, but it still makes me feel so gross. That's where most of my shame is from right now, and I know it's related to the addiction, but I feel like such a lowlife for having done that. Even knowing it was just me tuning out the other person and in one instance looking at P to ignore them, in the other, just trying to survive the call. But feel very gross.
Chris, been in therapy for the last three years, P issue only just came out recently as I didn't even realize it had become such a crutch. Therapy actually makes me feel even worse right now to be discussing it. I know it's just shame though. Mindfulness is something I started recently, but I have trouble sticking with it. I do feel calmer after doing it, which calmer is something I cherish right now. I'll get back into a better routing with it. Thanks!
Thank you ak, we're making it!
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Day 17 no PMO
Day 4 no MO
Urges getting worse with no MO, which is to be expected I suppose. But man the addict is so seductive, I know how good I would feel in the moment to start looking for scenes to PMO. Can still feel the rush in my body even just thinking about doing it. Fighting it, and even trying to fight the thoughts of it. Intoxicating though.
Mentally still struggling with the shame and hating myself. Posting on here and reading other's feedback helps. My friend keeps reminding me that I'm getting better and sound better to him, but it doesn't feel like it. Able to get through bigger chunks of the day without crying/thinking my life is over. Was able to listen to some music for the first time today and actually enjoy it, was able to ignore the negative thoughts briefly. So I guess it would be silly of me to not think I'm improving. I'm also well aware that this self hatred wouldn't be nearly as bad if I wasn't so trained to give into self soothing when feeling bad.
My friend tried to point out how silly it was for me to be feeling so bad, how silly it is to feel bad past the initial memory itself where I recognized what I was feeling and that I only hurt myself. He said no one would read my headline of what actually happened (not what my self hating mind tells me). Headline he gave was actually kind of funny and made me realize how no one would really give a damn about what I am beating myself up for so much. Of course no one would say it's okay to do those things, but beyond that, who would possibly care?
The headline he gave - "Local man hurts no one. Feels bad and hurts himself. Won't accept your help and refuses to help himself." Helps me to realize that whatever I did had nothing to do with anyone else, not some weird attraction or kink. Just another way to hurt myself, to feel gross, so I can self soothe later. Also helped me to realize that no one else telling me it's okay even matters to me, I'll torture myself anyway. It's all up to me. He also points out that the reason I don't find a lot of other people mentioning these types of things, is that while others have probably done similar things where no one was hurt, they just aren't programmed to hate themselves for it, they don't need to mention it out loud, they can feel the guilt and move on and not shame themselves endlessly. I envy that.
Sorry for the long post, helps to write it all out. Thanks for reading and all of the support.
Day 4 no MO
Urges getting worse with no MO, which is to be expected I suppose. But man the addict is so seductive, I know how good I would feel in the moment to start looking for scenes to PMO. Can still feel the rush in my body even just thinking about doing it. Fighting it, and even trying to fight the thoughts of it. Intoxicating though.
Mentally still struggling with the shame and hating myself. Posting on here and reading other's feedback helps. My friend keeps reminding me that I'm getting better and sound better to him, but it doesn't feel like it. Able to get through bigger chunks of the day without crying/thinking my life is over. Was able to listen to some music for the first time today and actually enjoy it, was able to ignore the negative thoughts briefly. So I guess it would be silly of me to not think I'm improving. I'm also well aware that this self hatred wouldn't be nearly as bad if I wasn't so trained to give into self soothing when feeling bad.
My friend tried to point out how silly it was for me to be feeling so bad, how silly it is to feel bad past the initial memory itself where I recognized what I was feeling and that I only hurt myself. He said no one would read my headline of what actually happened (not what my self hating mind tells me). Headline he gave was actually kind of funny and made me realize how no one would really give a damn about what I am beating myself up for so much. Of course no one would say it's okay to do those things, but beyond that, who would possibly care?
The headline he gave - "Local man hurts no one. Feels bad and hurts himself. Won't accept your help and refuses to help himself." Helps me to realize that whatever I did had nothing to do with anyone else, not some weird attraction or kink. Just another way to hurt myself, to feel gross, so I can self soothe later. Also helped me to realize that no one else telling me it's okay even matters to me, I'll torture myself anyway. It's all up to me. He also points out that the reason I don't find a lot of other people mentioning these types of things, is that while others have probably done similar things where no one was hurt, they just aren't programmed to hate themselves for it, they don't need to mention it out loud, they can feel the guilt and move on and not shame themselves endlessly. I envy that.
Sorry for the long post, helps to write it all out. Thanks for reading and all of the support.
Hey man,
Your friend sounds both extreme and very supportive. I've grown connected to every single person on this forum and I know that everyone says this, but I mean it when I say "you are not alone". And true, your friend makes a valid point: we addicts keep beating ourselves down for no rhyme or reason. We've been given the opportunity to improve, who cares if its difficult, we have hope! Focus on the growth and not the past. Genuinely here for you
Your friend sounds both extreme and very supportive. I've grown connected to every single person on this forum and I know that everyone says this, but I mean it when I say "you are not alone". And true, your friend makes a valid point: we addicts keep beating ourselves down for no rhyme or reason. We've been given the opportunity to improve, who cares if its difficult, we have hope! Focus on the growth and not the past. Genuinely here for you
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Thank you anubu, your comment made me feel better before going to bed. Hope you're doing well!
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Day 18 no PMO
Day 5 no MO
I never thought I'd go so long without MO. It's a good feeling, actually. I'm tensed as fuck, but it's still a good feeling. In December, I certainly never thought I'd make it two weeks without P. Although, I never thought I needed to? Both good feelings. Urges still there. But the urges give me a rush, but also fill me with anxiety. Last night before bed, started thinking about P/fantasy and had trouble shaking it. I got very aroused, but also intense nerves. I bet my mind could have told you I had a 50/50 chance of having sex or getting a lethal injection in the same moment...I was that aroused and that anxious. Didn't last long, but it was something. I can't let that sort of thing happen though, for recovery, but also so my mind can accurately gauge what is actually happening.
Mentally a bit better after my therapy today. I've been very honest about my past with my therapist, and while she of course doesn't condone any of the acts I've described, she repeatedly tells me I don't fit the bill of these awful things I think about myself. Funny, my mind almost wants her to tell me I'm a creep or pervert, etc, just so I can hate myself more and then of course self soothe.
Despite being better, still rough. If I laugh, or even get sad, or angry, my mind tells me I'm not entitled to feel those things. Not entitled to laugh and feel joy in a moment because of what a sick fuck I am. It's really rough. Therapist said she has seen people who have actually done horrendous things where people got seriously hurt or serious crimes took place, and no one has expressed the self hatred I have. I guess it's good to be the best at something?
It does worry me though, how much I hate myself. Trying hard to fight the self hatred as well as the addiction is exhausting. I'm staying strong right now, I hope others are as well. Let's try to enjoy the weekend? I think we've earned it (just enjoy in healthy ways).
Day 5 no MO
I never thought I'd go so long without MO. It's a good feeling, actually. I'm tensed as fuck, but it's still a good feeling. In December, I certainly never thought I'd make it two weeks without P. Although, I never thought I needed to? Both good feelings. Urges still there. But the urges give me a rush, but also fill me with anxiety. Last night before bed, started thinking about P/fantasy and had trouble shaking it. I got very aroused, but also intense nerves. I bet my mind could have told you I had a 50/50 chance of having sex or getting a lethal injection in the same moment...I was that aroused and that anxious. Didn't last long, but it was something. I can't let that sort of thing happen though, for recovery, but also so my mind can accurately gauge what is actually happening.
Mentally a bit better after my therapy today. I've been very honest about my past with my therapist, and while she of course doesn't condone any of the acts I've described, she repeatedly tells me I don't fit the bill of these awful things I think about myself. Funny, my mind almost wants her to tell me I'm a creep or pervert, etc, just so I can hate myself more and then of course self soothe.
Despite being better, still rough. If I laugh, or even get sad, or angry, my mind tells me I'm not entitled to feel those things. Not entitled to laugh and feel joy in a moment because of what a sick fuck I am. It's really rough. Therapist said she has seen people who have actually done horrendous things where people got seriously hurt or serious crimes took place, and no one has expressed the self hatred I have. I guess it's good to be the best at something?
It does worry me though, how much I hate myself. Trying hard to fight the self hatred as well as the addiction is exhausting. I'm staying strong right now, I hope others are as well. Let's try to enjoy the weekend? I think we've earned it (just enjoy in healthy ways
).TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Haha, thanks ak! My sense of humor has been the one thing I consistently like about myself. Have a good weekend man!