The voice I always hear - "What's one more day?"

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 0 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

Sigh...I actually had a good night last night, felt as good as I have in a long time.  But then I woke up in the middle of the night, and this scene popped into my head, and I could not get it out of my head.  So I MO to memories (but the scene is what drove me to MO really).  I was also in a fair amount of pain all night (muscle spasms).  Forgot how discomfort plays into the addiction.  Woke up today and still couldn't get the scene out of my head.  Went for a walk in the cold, came back, played a game but couldn't stop obsessing, so I gave in.  And gave in a few more times today.  Just didn't do the right things for myself today to remove myself from the situation.  Obsessive thoughts is always something I've struggled with though, particularly when those thoughts induce pain/sadness/anger.  I'm also sure a good bit of this was chaser effect.

I know not to be too hard on myself, but I am mad.  I knew I wouldn't feel good after, and I don't.  I know it doesn't completely undue all of my progress either, just need to reset a number is all.  Still irritating.  I didn't realize me feeling decent could also lead to me PMO.  I'm aware now, but of course the negative self hatred thoughts have returned, with the added bonus of reminding me of a relapse.

Some good did come out of it though, I was pretty disgusted by what I was watching (and it wasn't anything extreme).  I wasn't really enjoying it.  It was definitely a rush, but I just didn't like what I was seeing.  Not sex itself repulses me, just watching other people do it on a screen.  So hopefully I can remember that going forward.

One other good thing, when I MO without P in the middle of the night, it was so much better than I can remember it being, the feeling that is.  I read it's common for everything to feel so much better after giving up P.  I'll look forward to having actual sex again...in time though.

Anyone else struggling with a relapse, don't beat yourself up, we're human.  Anyone on the verge of a relapse, it's not worth it.  Hope others are staying strong.

 

[anubu0]

Hey man.

Sorry to hear about that. Its hard when those urges blindside you. Remember the path to success is not binary; its not fail or win. Instead, its fail, then fail again maybe, then succeed for a while, then fail again, and then ultimately be triumphant. Learn from your mistakes and really focus on how you can better your situation. Feel free to reach out if you need anything.

 

[SebUK]

Day 0 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

Sigh...I actually had a good night last night, felt as good as I have in a long time.  But then I woke up in the middle of the night, and this scene popped into my head, and I could not get it out of my head.  So I MO to memories (but the scene is what drove me to MO really).  I was also in a fair amount of pain all night (muscle spasms).  Forgot how discomfort plays into the addiction.  Woke up today and still couldn't get the scene out of my head.  Went for a walk in the cold, came back, played a game but couldn't stop obsessing, so I gave in.  And gave in a few more times today.  Just didn't do the right things for myself today to remove myself from the situation.  Obsessive thoughts is always something I've struggled with though, particularly when those thoughts induce pain/sadness/anger.  I'm also sure a good bit of this was chaser effect.

I know not to be too hard on myself, but I am mad.  I knew I wouldn't feel good after, and I don't.  I know it doesn't completely undue all of my progress either, just need to reset a number is all.  Still irritating.  I didn't realize me feeling decent could also lead to me PMO.  I'm aware now, but of course the negative self hatred thoughts have returned, with the added bonus of reminding me of a relapse.

Some good did come out of it though, I was pretty disgusted by what I was watching (and it wasn't anything extreme).  I wasn't really enjoying it.  It was definitely a rush, but I just didn't like what I was seeing.  Not sex itself repulses me, just watching other people do it on a screen.  So hopefully I can remember that going forward.

One other good thing, when I MO without P in the middle of the night, it was so much better than I can remember it being, the feeling that is.  I read it's common for everything to feel so much better after giving up P.  I'll look forward to having actual sex again...in time though.

Anyone else struggling with a relapse, don't beat yourself up, we're human.  Anyone on the verge of a relapse, it's not worth it.  Hope others are staying strong.

haha... I can relate to so much of this!
- relapsing when feeling good - check
- not enjoying what I'm looking at WHILE relapsing - check
- enjoying sex and MO a hundred times more after a clean streak of no P - check

One suggestion you could try is to put less onus on the counter. I find it isn't helpful for me personally. I basically watch the number and tie my self-esteem and progress to it. When I relapse I feel quite a bit more worse because I know I have to watch the number from 0 again. And having a high number is a bit of a double edged sword - it can make you want to reward yourself for getting such a 'high number'. But up to you - a lot of people find it helpful so each to their own!

The other thought I had is wanting vs liking. You clearly do not like what you're looking at. Same as me (except for maybe the first hour where I literally am buzzing with adrenaline - shaking even). But the addiction doesn't really care if you like it, it just wants it. This is such a tragic thing if you dwell on it for a bit. We are compulsively looking at something we don't even LIKE.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Hey man.

Sorry to hear about that. Its hard when those urges blindside you. Remember the path to success is not binary; its not fail or win. Instead, its fail, then fail again maybe, then succeed for a while, then fail again, and then ultimately be triumphant. Learn from your mistakes and really focus on how you can better your situation. Feel free to reach out if you need anything.

Thanks anubu, I read your comment last night and it helped me get through the rest of the evening.  Today it also helped with the little urges I had.  Appreciate it friend.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 0 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

Sigh...I actually had a good night last night, felt as good as I have in a long time.  But then I woke up in the middle of the night, and this scene popped into my head, and I could not get it out of my head.  So I MO to memories (but the scene is what drove me to MO really).  I was also in a fair amount of pain all night (muscle spasms).  Forgot how discomfort plays into the addiction.  Woke up today and still couldn't get the scene out of my head.  Went for a walk in the cold, came back, played a game but couldn't stop obsessing, so I gave in.  And gave in a few more times today.  Just didn't do the right things for myself today to remove myself from the situation.  Obsessive thoughts is always something I've struggled with though, particularly when those thoughts induce pain/sadness/anger.  I'm also sure a good bit of this was chaser effect.

I know not to be too hard on myself, but I am mad.  I knew I wouldn't feel good after, and I don't.  I know it doesn't completely undue all of my progress either, just need to reset a number is all.  Still irritating.  I didn't realize me feeling decent could also lead to me PMO.  I'm aware now, but of course the negative self hatred thoughts have returned, with the added bonus of reminding me of a relapse.

Some good did come out of it though, I was pretty disgusted by what I was watching (and it wasn't anything extreme).  I wasn't really enjoying it.  It was definitely a rush, but I just didn't like what I was seeing.  Not sex itself repulses me, just watching other people do it on a screen.  So hopefully I can remember that going forward.

One other good thing, when I MO without P in the middle of the night, it was so much better than I can remember it being, the feeling that is.  I read it's common for everything to feel so much better after giving up P.  I'll look forward to having actual sex again...in time though.

Anyone else struggling with a relapse, don't beat yourself up, we're human.  Anyone on the verge of a relapse, it's not worth it.  Hope others are staying strong.

haha... I can relate to so much of this!
- relapsing when feeling good - check
- not enjoying what I'm looking at WHILE relapsing - check
- enjoying sex and MO a hundred times more after a clean streak of no P - check

One suggestion you could try is to put less onus on the counter. I find it isn't helpful for me personally. I basically watch the number and tie my self-esteem and progress to it. When I relapse I feel quite a bit more worse because I know I have to watch the number from 0 again. And having a high number is a bit of a double edged sword - it can make you want to reward yourself for getting such a 'high number'. But up to you - a lot of people find it helpful so each to their own!

The other thought I had is wanting vs liking. You clearly do not like what you're looking at. Same as me (except for maybe the first hour where I literally am buzzing with adrenaline - shaking even). But the addiction doesn't really care if you like it, it just wants it. This is such a tragic thing if you dwell on it for a bit. We are compulsively looking at something we don't even LIKE.

Thanks man.  Mostly thank you for validating the few things I wrote out (urges when feeling good, MO feeling better).  Nice to know I'm not just making things up.

And yeah I agree, the counter isn't that important, it's motivating, but yeah, the feeling of resetting to 0 got me down, but not too much.  My friend helped me to realize the past 30 days compared to the 30 days before that and how much consumption had gone down.  So still feeling good.  Thanks again!

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 1 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

The one MO today was pure chaser effect, it wasn't even enjoyable.  Wasn't even driven by P urges, just a memory of my ex.  Regardless, wasn't something I enjoyed overly in the moment, and certainly not after.

Feeling decent today despite the relapse.  Still a little mad at myself, but I'm alright.  Urges weren't bad at all, and the few I got, the comments here and watching one of Terry Crews' videos helped me stave them off.

Mentally doing a bit better today, talked to another friend about the addiction and the acts that keep tormenting me.  He immediately said that he's done far worse things and that while the behavior isn't to be repeated, it's nothing to feel bad about.  Made me feel better just to hear someone say it.  Still feeling shitty and having moments of bad self hatred, but not as powerful today.  Which is nice, because I expected a kick in the ass after the relapse.  Hoping that doesn't come during the week.

Appreciate all of the support, hoping we all have a good week.

 

[akpal2]

sorry to hear that hak, i hate resetting the counter as well. I checked to see if i was progressing and after 15 days i masturbated just to touch. the chaser effect then took over for the next 10 days. I am now on Day 10 again with a little bit of looking at pics/edging yesterday and day before but no PMO. Thankfully i got away in time. I don't want to go down from my double digit score to 0 again. It absolutely kills me.

But yes, you're definitely making progress. Forget the counter if you can. I remember there used to be a link to a counter that you could put in your signature in the early days of this site. I don't see the link now, not sure what happened to that, but i found it helpful.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Thanks ak!  Counter sucks, but it's alright.  New counter can be fun...I was a math major, so I enjoy counting

Day 2 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

Not really feeling any urges today, but I was also very busy.  Still having some flashes of P though, looking forward to that going away.  I don't remember thinking of it throughout the day until I started to fight it.  Or maybe, more accurate to say, I don't remember thinking about it so much. 

Mentally was better today.  Self hatred still fucking there, as I suspect it will be for a long time, but not so powerful today.  Getting better at forcing myself to power through and do the things I like even when my mind tells me I'm not supposed to enjoy anything.  This covid makes everything so much more difficult, as soon as I get out of the house, I can feel a weight lift a bit.  I know this wouldn't be so damn hard if not for Covid and limited outside options.

Good day today, so I'm thankful for that, hope they continue, although I can hear the self hatred telling me it won't.  Fuck it though, even if I wasn't an addict, not everyday would be good.

Stay strong all.  Goodnight!

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 3 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

After I posted last night ended up MO before bed.  Sexual thoughts were very prominent, probably because my body is so accustomed to PMO before bed.  Feel fine today, but I still want to cut way back on that.

Today started out good, but work sucked today.  Stress never really let up until well into the evening, and I noticed as the stress built, so did my self hatred and negative thoughts.  Now I'm a bit better, but it is still so exhausting.  I truly hope no one ever has to feel what it's like to have your own mind say things like  "You don't deserve to laugh, you don't deserve to listen to music, etc."  Sucks.  But the last few days have been better...not great, but better.  I'll take it for now.

Goodnight all.

 

[King Leer]

Yeah work can be a stressor for sure. I am so friggin happy go lucky at the start of my shift and after the commute home I am ready to rip someone's head off. 

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Yep!  And worked sucked again today, but it finished much better.  Thanks KL.

Day 4 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

Stress got to me this morning.  Knew today was going to be rough and as I was laying in bed half awake and half dreading the day, a bunch of sexual thoughts came into my mind.  Fortunately what led me to MO was again just memory of real sexual experiences, but still not thrilled about my mind going to that when stressed.  Trying to get a better lock on it.  I am pleased I didn't PMO though.  No doubt in the past, last night and at some point today I would have taken several minutes to PMO.  I definitely wanted to, but fortunately didn't.

Self hatred feels like it's losing some steam.  Able to laugh and joke around more without feeling like some fraudulent creep.  But it's still not easy.  I associate myself with so much evil in the world.  My friend said something he read that people often can't stand how much of themselves they see in another person.  He then pointed out that I'm doing the opposite, seeing bad things, crimes, sadness, evil in the world and associating myself with it, despite possessing none of those same traits.  Which I realize is 100% illogical, but it's how I feel.  I see any headline about a crime or anything, and immediately feel like shit, like I committed it.  My therapist and friends I talk to always roll their eyes when I say that.  Again I know it's just silly of me to think that (and also wrong of me to pass any judgement on what I'm reading), but it's what I hear in my head.

Sigh, even as typing this I can feel how much fun it would be to just escape for a few minutes and PMO.  Except it wouldn't be fun, it would just make me feel worse after.  Fucking addiction.

Stay strong all!

 

[SebUK]

Stress is such a major trigger I reckon. I know some people say that we have it lucky these days. Like don't have to worry about starving or freezing to death, and all the technology and knowledge we have etc compared to say someone living 500 years ago. But... life is much more complex now and therefore more stressful in a way I reckon. I don't know how to explain it but I think modern life has some major negatives compared to the simpler life a long time ago. And office jobs. I read some research saying people who are construction workers are much happier than office workers because they can actually see what they're doing and feel like they are literally building something. Compared to an office worker who might get paid well but feel like what they are doing is completely pointless. How does the latter play out in terms of that person's self esteem and happiness?

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 5 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

Last night I was very tempted, ended up looking up the wikipedia on a softcore star I loved in highschool?  Very desperate haha.  I did end up hardcore site, but I backed out of it as soon as it loaded.  Whole ordeal was probably 2-3 minutes tops.  Didn't touch myself or anything, but I was certainly trying to push up against my own boundary and tear it down.  Glad I didn't, but man, this thing sucks.

I do find myself having more urges, and wanting to PMO bad.  Well I shouldn't say I "want" to, but my mind and body certainly craving it.

Feeling okay today with self hatred.  It's still there lurking, feels like it's waiting to pounce sometimes.  Still have plenty of moments where a bad thought will come in and my stomach will sink and I'll think how am I ever going to get beyond the things I did?  I'm tired of hating myself and thinking so little of myself.

I'm going home to my parents next weekend for a couple weeks, so it'll be nice to be out of the isolation.  Last time I was there I let myself PMO.  Never binged or anything, but I was definitely "managing" as they call it.  That was also before I found this site and started taking this seriously.  Regardless I'll need to be careful.  Fortunately the only time I need to worry about it is when I go to sleep vs being in my house alone when I can have at it anytime.

Hope others are doing well.  Take care all!

 

[akpal2]

Good luck Hak, enjoy at your parents place and try to get these 2 weeks clean under your belt. Will be an incredible confidence booster having 20 days of no PMO. I am rooting for you.

 

[King Leer]

Sounds like you are making some progress in your outlook that's good.its a huge part of moving on. Keep it up

 

[Pdub]

Isolation can be tough to deal with and there's a common theme in a lot of journals right now that this last year under quarantine has been really difficult.  Keep at it!

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Thanks KL and Pdub for the encouragement!

Day 6 no PMO
Day 2 no MO

Busier day today, so no major urges or anything.  Therapy today was rough, talked more about where my self hatred stems from.  Rough in a good way I guess, but very painful.

My cousin, his friend, and I are starting a podcast (because it's such an original idea), which is nice to have something to do.  Did our first recording tonight, but after, when we were just talking, somehow P came up.  And my cousin said "P is pretty much the worst thing a man can watch."  That's all he said and I didn't ask him what he meant (he very well could have meant for the reasons we're all suffering), and he has no idea I'm dealing with an addiction, but I heard it and felt so much shame.  Felt like they wouldn't want me doing this with them if they knew I was an addict or the things I did.  Any little thing like that just makes me feel so shitty.  But, the actual recording was very fun.  Something to look forward to.

Mentally wasn't as good today, but I've also not been able to get out of the house the last two days due to work and such.  I will this weekend.  But just felt more like no one would want anything to do with me, or unlovable, unfit for society.  Not even so much because of the P, just the few things I talked about previously.  Feels like someone standing on my chest, not letting me breathe...sadly that person standing on my chest is me.  Was on the phone with my good friend who knows everything, and we were talking how we normally do, and I just couldn't enjoy it.  Kept thinking that why should I be allowed to enjoy anything.  Sucks.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.  For those still dealing with pseudo lockdowns and such, hope we can get some fresh air at least.

 

[akpal2]

Thanks KL and Pdub for the encouragement!

Day 6 no PMO
Day 2 no MO

Busier day today, so no major urges or anything.  Therapy today was rough, talked more about where my self hatred stems from.  Rough in a good way I guess, but very painful.

My cousin, his friend, and I are starting a podcast (because it's such an original idea), which is nice to have something to do.  Did our first recording tonight, but after, when we were just talking, somehow P came up.  And my cousin said "P is pretty much the worst thing a man can watch."  That's all he said and I didn't ask him what he meant (he very well could have meant for the reasons we're all suffering), and he has no idea I'm dealing with an addiction, but I heard it and felt so much shame.  Felt like they wouldn't want me doing this with them if they knew I was an addict or the things I did.  Any little thing like that just makes me feel so shitty.  But, the actual recording was very fun.  Something to look forward to.

Mentally wasn't as good today, but I've also not been able to get out of the house the last two days due to work and such.  I will this weekend.  But just felt more like no one would want anything to do with me, or unlovable, unfit for society.  Not even so much because of the P, just the few things I talked about previously.  Feels like someone standing on my chest, not letting me breathe...sadly that person standing on my chest is me.  Was on the phone with my good friend who knows everything, and we were talking how we normally do, and I just couldn't enjoy it.  Kept thinking that why should I be allowed to enjoy anything.  Sucks.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.  For those still dealing with pseudo lockdowns and such, hope we can get some fresh air at least.

Hak, I hope the therapy helps you heal better and better but you definitely seem to be making progress on the PMO front. I find it incredible that you are able to go without PMO for streaks with all the other issues you are dealing with. It's very motivating. The addictions require patience to deal with which ironically is the hardest thing to do in p addiction. After all, P is the ultimate addiction of instant gratification.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Hak, I hope the therapy helps you heal better and better but you definitely seem to be making progress on the PMO front. I find it incredible that you are able to go without PMO for streaks with all the other issues you are dealing with. It's very motivating. The addictions require patience to deal with which ironically is the hardest thing to do in p addiction. After all, P is the ultimate addiction of instant gratification.

Thanks ak, appreciate the encouragement.  I read your comment the other night when I was relapsing and it made me feel better and helped me realized what lead to it. 

Day 2 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

After my last post on Friday, I just kept feeling worse and worse.  Those feelings of hating myself and thinking myself a monster had gotten into me, so around 3-4am in the night (when I couldn't sleep) P came into my mind, and I gave in.  Felt so shitty after.  Even texted my friend in the middle of the night so he'd see it in the morning and I could hold myself accountable, but I still struggled on Saturday.  Sometimes I was able to stop myself, other times not.

Some good news though, I truly enjoyed it less and less with each time.  What I was watching, the act itself, just disgusted me for the first time.  The act of PMO I mean, just felt so cheap and gross.  Haven't thought much about P since.  Some urges, but nothing big yet, but I also know I'm still on a bit of come down.  Chaser effect is there, but has worn off today.  Haven't MO'ed or even thought it since the middle of the night.

I was still able to accomplish something on Saturday, I forced myself to write something.  Not a journal entry or anything, just something fun for myself.  I love writing, got away from it a long time ago, trying to get back into it.  Really enjoyed myself when I was writing...it was the worst poem ever, but I laughed a lot writing it haha.

I can see now depression has been slowly effecting me for a long time, removing different things I enjoy, and building on this addiction.  And with Covid this year and isolation, it just became unbearable.  I'm tired of hating myself and beating myself up.  I know I'll keep doing it for awhile, because that's all I know how to do, but it has to go.  I need to learn to forgive myself for the things I did in my addiction, especially when the person I hurt was me, over and over again.  Need to stop caring what other people would think of me, or thinking myself a hypocrite/fraud.

Long road, but I'm trying.  Hope others are staying strong.  Addiction and depression can seriously fuck off.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 3 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

No urges at all today really.  Couple of flashes of P in my head but that was it.  Not as many sexual thoughts/memories either, which is nice.  Hope that continues, but we'll see as I get more days in.

Mentally better today.  Still had some bad moments, still can't really stand anyone saying "good job" or "thank you" or really any good thing about/to me.  I immediately hear that same voice telling me I'm unworthy of all of that and no one would want anything to do with me.  I don't know how many times I've typed the exact same thing here.  I realize my journal must be extremely repetitious (just found out this was a word, and it's so much better than repetitive).  Oddly enough, repeating things over and over gives me comfort.  Well, except for these emotionally crippling thoughts .  I struggle to see myself coming out on the other side of depression/beating myself up.  I hope though.

But, it was better today.  Didn't feel as heavy today.  I need to be careful though because when I felt better two weeks ago, I relapsed.  What a shit feeling it was to relapse...both times.

Looking forward to going home this weekend to my parents.  Bringing them some gifts and such.  It'll be nice to be around them for awhile.  Helps keep me accountable during the day as I can't be sneaking away to go PMO...at least not without someone asking why do I keep going to my room for short bursts.