The voice I always hear - "What's one more day?"

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 6 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

Been awhile.  Would make several days, feel good about myself and relapse.  Just a cycle.  And I only binge now because I know the next day I have to get back on the wagon.  I do want to be done with this, but I can't deny I enjoy it at times.  Which is perfectly normal, but it's not something that I want to be normal for me.

This week had been better until last night and this morning.  I haven't given in.  I don't want to, in fact this morning was the first time I had that strong of an urge and came out of it.  But I did still MO to memory of real sexual experiences.  That's obviously not a good solution, but it did stop me from relapsing and I felt great about not using P.  But now the urges are getting strong.

Haven't been posting a large part due to how much work I've been doing, but also because I wanted to get back on a real streak.

I'm tired of hating myself, I know that's primarily why I use P (I'm also addicted of course), but it also reinforces those creep feelings I have about myself.  And some of the intrusive thoughts I'm having have been absolutely awful.  Just the worst things in the world coming into my mind, trying to tell me I'm into all of those things.  I know that's not true because the thoughts make me feel so terrible mentally and physically.  Sometimes they are so bad I could cry/vomit.  But how do I counteract those thoughts?  Start thinking about women and that leads to P.  Fuck off depression.

Hope others are doing well.  Stay strong all, if these vaccines are legit, we'll all get a little bit of help when things start opening up more (for those of us still in places with limited options). 

As always, fuck you addiction.
 

scott.84

Member
Hey hakid,

congrats on achieving one day. I'm sure you can go another 8)

And don't be so hard on yourself. You may have some issues, but that makes you, at least in my opinion, more likeable since you are suffering. People who suffer don't deserve to be treated badly. I know how hard it is to learn to accept (and maybe even like) oneself with all of the flaws and imperfection every human being has. But eventually, what's the point in hating oneself? It just makes you feel bad. It discourages you from reaching your goals. So give it a try and be kind to yourself. You deserve it :)
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 1 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

Been awhile, I'll have more to say later.  Not doing very well.  Fuck you addiction.  Hope others are doing well and hanging in.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
scott.84 said:
Hey hakid,

congrats on achieving one day. I'm sure you can go another 8)

And don't be so hard on yourself. You may have some issues, but that makes you, at least in my opinion, more likeable since you are suffering. People who suffer don't deserve to be treated badly. I know how hard it is to learn to accept (and maybe even like) oneself with all of the flaws and imperfection every human being has. But eventually, what's the point in hating oneself? It just makes you feel bad. It discourages you from reaching your goals. So give it a try and be kind to yourself. You deserve it :)

Thanks Scott, I needed this tonight.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 1 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

I'm about as low as I've been.  When I came back home after being at my parents (and finally putting together a streak and sticking it out while there), I gave in for a whole week.  I felt so much better that week.  Thoughts weren't bad, and even if I got them I could deflect them.  I could normalize my past mistakes into what they were and weren't.  I felt like me...but I also didn't.  I knew it wasn't real.  I knew I was hiding again.  As much as I loved it, I think I hated it just as much underneath.  Dreams and thoughts are all bad.  The sick shit going through my head gives me so much anxiety and makes me cry.  And not P, just truly intrusive thoughts.  I see the pattern though, these thoughts make me feel hopeless/helpless, I find some way of pulling myself out of that thought process and feel a bit of relief, but then I get an urge to reward myself and give in.  Rinse and Repeat.  Most I've made it since that first week was maybe 4 days.

Trying to pull through.  Been working weird times too with my project right now.  The last few weeks have always had some disturbance in a sleep cycle.  Which we planned for and knew about, but I didn't realize how much that would impact me during withdrawal and such.

Also being back in my apartment and alone is really brutal.  I don't need to be around people all the time, but I do struggle with abandonment and Covid has removed the office setting which was so nice to have everyday.  I've said this many times, but I didn't realize how much I enjoyed that.  I was in much better mood being back at my parents and around other people, especially ones who love me (though I never missed an opportunity to tell myself they wouldn't love me if they knew the things I did/thought).

I want to get back to posting here, just felt ashamed because I couldn't control myself.  I truly do hate myself, and I hate that I hate myself.  I can't describe how many "coping fantasies" I have about not being me.  Well, not being this version of me I should say.  Not suicidal, but can't say that not being alive doesn't sound appealing when I get really low.

I'm rambling now.  Take care of yourselves all, be good to yourselves too, please.  Stay strong friends.
 
E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
I know this misery very well. It's like "yesterday" I was there. On March 11 I wrote "Back to misery". I was feeling completely like shit. But today I feel alright. Things get better when we face the discomfort and suffering. It helps me to navigate through pain with the mentality "This will make me stronger and my life will get better as a result" instead of "Fuck, man, this sucks, I can't wait until it's over, I wish I didn't have to go through this." It made a level of difference for me, I wouldn't have been 13 days clean without it, yesterday was a very tough day with a lot of urges I was this close, walking the thin line between "Give up" and "Don't give up" but reminding myself that I was facing the suffering to get stronger saved me. Porn has created a crybaby mentality in me and I'm doing this to walk away from it. You can do it, man. We have more potential than this, we can endure more than we think. We are stronger than we tell ourselves we are. Being strong is not something you are born with, it's something you build over time. Only facing the obstacles, suffering, pain, discomfort, makes you stronger, not "comfort". When we are ready to give up, we haven't reached our limit yet.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Thanks Escape.  Glad you're doing well, I hope I can get there too.

Day 2 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

I'm not doing well at all.  Just remembering more and more weird thoughts I had previously.  Passing thoughts that meant nothing at the time, but now I'm using to convince myself that I'm some awful and sick person.  It's hard for me to imagine this is all stemming from the addiction fighting back.  Hard to imagine it's all withdrawal.

I hope the rest of you are doing well and hanging in.  Be good to yourselves.
 
E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
You'll get there. We are never beaten. Making it to two weeks after complete misery showed me that I can and showed me that others can too.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 3 no PMO
Day 2 no MO

Had pretty good therapy today.  She thinks I might be OCD.  Apparently you don't have to be obsessive and compulsive to be OCD, just one or the other.  I never knew this.  I'll be sure to ask more questions about it next session to make sure I understand.  I don't have much in the way of compulsions, but obsessive thoughts have always been a struggle for me.  Very painful.  She wants me to consider medication.  I've always been leery of medication because my mom was addicted to all sorts of pills, but I'm also tired of hating myself and feeling this way.  So we'll see.

She also actually encouraged MO without the use of P.  I'll have to play that by ear, but right now I'm not planning to MO (my intrusive thoughts pretty much stifle any arousal I get right now anyway).  She did say if I do start to MO, to maybe figure out an acceptable frequency so it doesn't get out of control.  But for now, I'd like to stay away and take a break.

Have a good weekend all, take care of yourselves.
 
E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Good things, man. It's our duty to do everything we can to heal. Heal the mind and the body will follow. Masturbation is a much debated topic. Some say it's not a problem if you don't watch or think about porn. Some advocate avoidance. I would say, if it's detrimental for you in any way, it's probably not a good idea, at least for now. I don't do it for my reasons and they are:
1) It pushes me hard to porn because I crave more stimulation than masturbation without porn could ever offer. As a "still addict" I crave more dopamine than that.
2) It makes me remember that I'm a completely lonely guy and this brings sadness and depression. It somehow makes me feel like a loser a little bit like "This is all you can do? You don't need to be anybody for your hand." It's a long story of complete disaster with girls and being associated with my porn addiction. Plus, I've been jerking my dick in various ways since I was 7, for comfort. It just makes me sick. I don't think I will ever again enjoy masturbation, it's too ingrained in my brain.

But you do what you gotta do.
 

bob

Respected Member
TheHeartacheKid said:
She wants me to consider medication.

I would encourage this as well. I am ADD and medication has been extremely helpful.

TheHeartacheKid said:
She also actually encouraged MO without the use of P.

This I would not agree with. I have been working on this quite a while and recently stated (here on RN) that the occasional mo wasn't a problem. Now I am staying away from mo. It is extremely difficult to maintain it on an occasional level of activity. Don't beat yourself up if you do but I would work to stay away from it. Difficult and challenging but I feel it is helpful. At least until you feel you have some time behind you. My 2 cents.

What ever you do remember, self compassion is extremely important. This challenge does not define you!

Peace
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Thanks Bob and Escape.  Appreciate the support and the insight!

Day 4 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

I did MO this morning.  Didn't really make me feel like shit like it did the last few months, but I also really wasn't sure why I was doing it.  I want to go at least a week (if not more) without it.

Did have some urges today, as I always do once I get a bit of relief and start to feel better from thoughts and self hatred.  But I fucking made it.  Going to make it through tomorrow too, and that will be the first full weekend (F/S/S) that I haven't PMO in a few months.  Feels good to know that I got through the urges today.  I know tomorrow they will be worse, but I have a slew of things to do to occupy my mind and time.

Stay strong all.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 5 no PMO

Made it through the GD weekend!  First time in awhile to clear all three days.  Feel good.  Dealt with some urges today, almost looked at one of the actress's Instagram that I liked, but I stopped myself.  For one, I felt creepy and pathetic.  Two, if I'm going to do that shit, I might as well just PMO.  Still dealing with feeling like absolute garbage, and hating myself and same old same old.  But I'm actually proud of myself for once.  I gotta be careful though, I can feel the urges building.

Take care all, let's have a good week.  And of course, fuck you addiction.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Day 0 no PMO

Ugh, so much for my victory of making it through the weekend.  Pissed it away today.  I actually remember at one point missing not hating myself.

Back at it.
 

Jacek

New Member
Hi TheHeartacheKid,

Just remember that you are not the only one and alone in your struggle which as you already experience is not going to be fast and easy.
I'm sure that with all this struggle if you would count the days in month that you did PMO/MO before starting this journal and right now, from that bigger perspective even if you not yet have long periods of days in the row, you make small step by step changes, small few day breaks from the addiction and eventually you will make them longer and longer. I'm sure you are on the right path to overcome it, just keep on going, keep learning, keep changing your life as a whole for better, wish you(and me, because I am walking the same path) persistence and hope for the best!
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Thank you Jack.  I hope you're doing well.

Day 1 no PMO

Back to the obsessive thoughts and agony.  It's pure torture, and I did it to myself.  Pattern is crystal clear, PMO, feel like absolute hell, find a bit of a reprieve, let my guard down and PMO.

I truly do hate myself, and I know I shouldn't and all of that, but I do.  I'm even having intrusive thoughts in my dreams now.  Didn't know that was a thing.  And of course when I wake up, I immediately use the dream against myself to make myself feel worse.

I'm not suicidal, but I see how people get there.  Had a high-school friend who committed suicide a couple weeks ago.  I hadn't talked to him in a long time, but it was still upsetting to hear.  Actually, I didn't really feel anything.  Another friend and therapist both said I simply don't have any emotion left to feel anything like that, I'm too busy feeling bad all the time.  But it still makes me feel inhuman.  My thoughts make me feel inhuman and my lack of emotion does.

There are some journals on here that are truly inspirational.  I apologize to those who come here and get bummed out.  I hope to one day turn it around.  Until then, just another day.  Stay strong all, please be good to yourselves, you've all earned it.

Fuck you addiction.  And fuck you lack of self control.
 
E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
TheHeartacheKid said:
Thank you Jack.  I hope you're doing well.

Day 1 no PMO

Back to the obsessive thoughts and agony.  It's pure torture, and I did it to myself.  Pattern is crystal clear, PMO, feel like absolute hell, find a bit of a reprieve, let my guard down and PMO.

I truly do hate myself, and I know I shouldn't and all of that, but I do.  I'm even having intrusive thoughts in my dreams now.  Didn't know that was a thing.  And of course when I wake up, I immediately use the dream against myself to make myself feel worse.

I'm not suicidal, but I see how people get there.  Had a high-school friend who committed suicide a couple weeks ago.  I hadn't talked to him in a long time, but it was still upsetting to hear.  Actually, I didn't really feel anything.  Another friend and therapist both said I simply don't have any emotion left to feel anything like that, I'm too busy feeling bad all the time.  But it still makes me feel inhuman.  My thoughts make me feel inhuman and my lack of emotion does.

There are some journals on here that are truly inspirational.  I apologize to those who come here and get bummed out.  I hope to one day turn it around.  Until then, just another day.  Stay strong all, please be good to yourselves, you've all earned it.

Fuck you addiction.  And fuck you lack of self control.

I've had a period of about 6-7 years feeling like what you're describing. It went between the age of 17-18 until I was about 24-25. I was extremely depressed and suicidal and drinking myself to sleep a few times a week. I know what's like to be at the bottom of the hole mentally. That's what misery looks like. But it's possible to get out. On March 11 I was finished but today the recovery looks possible for me. You have more potential than you think and you have the ability to endure this suffering, go through it and escape. It's very possible. Misery doesn't last forever, it only lasts as long as we let it last. The only way is to face it. I've been going through my current withdrawal suffering for almost 20 days but I will do it once and be done with it, I don't want to repeat the loop. The loop is like this: Go a period of time cold turkey, hard craving and urges start, I might tolerate them for a couple of days (if I even do that), relapse, binge which "resets" myself to 0, "postpone" the withdrawal in this way until I reach again about 10 days and the "suffering" of craving and urges start again. And this goes over and over as long as I let it go. This could easily turn into a lifelong marathon of "Relapse-Restart". That's why I decided to face this shit once and for all. It's going to suck big time but it's the only way. If I can get myself up from complete misery and have 19 "perfect" days of porn sobriety, you can too. Do you know when I had 19 "perfect days" last time? In September 2020. This means for 6 months I constantly relapsed under 10 days. Time flies, man. Don't postpone it anymore, start today, it's going to suck really bad, I can't sugarcoat this, but it's what we have to do. It's our duty to face the suffering because it's our duty to recover from this bullshit addiction. Don't rely on motivation alone. Motivation fades away after a period of time. You could pump yourself up now and relapse 5 days later when the pump deflates itself. We need to be driven. We need a purpose and to work toward that. What's your goal with this recovery? Write down why you want to recover and focus on this goal.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Thanks escape.  I'm trying to take it on, feeling alright at the moment for a change.

Day 2 no PMO

Today not as bad.  Another good therapy session.  But the next couple of days are when my urges will come back strong.  I'm going to my parents on Friday for a week since it's Easter (and there is no such thing as an office anymore).  Hopefully that helps.  I really want to make it to double digits again, and hopefully even more.

Stay strong all!  Goodnight!
 
Hey TheHeartacheKid,

It's been a while since I commented so thought I'd check-in.

From what I've read (in your journal) over the last couple months, I can certainly relate and sympathise with your sense of frustration in not being able to build-up much momentum; say a week or so clean then a slip.  I most certainly have that particular 'Been There. Done That. Got the T-shirt' T-shirt! Anyway, I've noticed something in your posts that resonates somewhat with me and how I've recently changed how I approach my recovery, notably in the way I track my 'clean' days.

Around 3 weeks ago, I PMO'd. Prior to this, I'd managed to go 220 days PMO free, which was a significant achievement and the longest PMO-free period I'd had in quite a few years. However, I was counting the days as PMO free when I didn't P+M+O (i.e as a trio of things). On reflection, I was probably lying to myself about how well I was doing because I'd regularly look at P, or M, or PM. I avoided PMO'ing but I was still failing when it came to avoiding P or M.  As I discuss in far greater depth in my journal - not that I suggest in anyway you subject yourself to reading my crazed mutterings, I hasten to add!! - the PMO incident just over 3 weeks ago kind of forced me into having a moment of serious self-reflection and has sort of caused me to have a complete reset of how I approach my recovery. Firstly, I decided that I needed to stop lying to myself and not just count days in the context of PMO-free being a clean day if, for example, I'd still consumed P. A bit like you I now count each day with P, M and O assessed separately, with each now marked with a traffic light system. I can no longer just look at swathes of 'green' days because pepper-potted throughout there is now the odd 'amber' here and there, although happily the couple ambers are confined to 'M' only.

Also since the PMO event, I had actually done one of the things I've been telling myself to do for so long but conveniently had not implemented. As context, for so long now, when 10pm arrived, I'd switch on my tv and turn over to one of those 'babe' call-in channels, not to call in or anything but just to watch. For the record I've done this almost every night of the week for maybe a year now. Well, a few months ago I wrote down a list of 4-5 things I must to to aid my recovery, one of which was to switch my tv off (at the plug) before 10pm and just get in bed, thereby eliminating the opportunity and temptation to watch these babe call-in shows. Pressing a plug switch is so incredibly simple, quick and easy to do but up until recently, I was incapable of doing this most basic of actions, and so consumed stimulating material. Following my recent PMO, I've been so strict and every night without fail, my plug is switched-off well in advance of 10pm and so far, I have not once been tempted to watch these call-in shows.  In a funny kind of way, switching of the plug has sort of become a symbolic gesture, but is also now habitual, which is a very important step in my recovery.

Now, and after typing all the above, I've done what I often do and have slightly forgotten the point I was ultimately heading towards! However, I think the point I was aiming for is maybe try looking into P, M and O on a separate basis (in the context of counting days). Not sure how you count your days but my Excel sheet allows me to notice trends that may have preceded a PMO. And now that I've started tracking P, M and O separately I will be able see if a few ambers in the 'P' column then cause reds in the 'M' column (and so on) - I'm sure you know exactly what I'm saying so I'll stop now before I begin sounding patronising ;) .  Also, maybe have a moment of self-reflection and give yourself a strong pep talk to force yourself into implementing those good behaviours you know that you should and easily could - like me and my switching of the tv before 10pm - but you just haven't been able to manage just yet. I'm well aware it's easier said than done. However, following my PMO I was really angry with myself for slipping, for bringing to an end my 220 days PMO free, and for cheating myself on how well I was REALLY doing with my recovery. And I managed to focus this anger in a really positive way and I can now, hand on heart, tell the world that that last 3 weeks have been some of the cleanest I've ever had in quite a few years.

Apologies for rambling on a little more than I anticipated but I do hope that you manage to build up some momentum in your recovery. Getting beyond those first few weeks is always the most difficult so I can certainly relate to that and also to our undoubted frustration. Keep at it and don't give up!
 
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