Pdub's journey

Pdub

Member
I completely fell off the wagon some time ago.  I convinced myself that PMO was alright... if it was done once in a while.  I tried sticking to a once a month indulgence, which turned into twice a month, which turned into once a week, which turned into multiple times a week.  Soon after all my gains of being able to stay erect and half sex with my wife were gone.  I tried looking at porn before we had sex and it made it worse.  I tried watching porn all day while she was at work but not letting myself orgasm.  That worked once, then never again.  I was in a rut and digging myself a deeper one.

I started tracking how many days in between sex it had been.  It shocked me how quickly the tallies lined up... but I kept on PMO'ing.  My wife and I started going to counseling.  We argue less these days, but still aren't having sex as often as I'd like.  Once a month, maybe? After being unable to perform for so long, she doesn't even engage me anymore.  Things are not like they were when we first got married, which is normal, but it feels like we are both in our early sixties and not having sex at all.

I'm 25 days without looking at or seeking out porn.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Welcome back!

I'm early in my recovery, but when I first started to quit, I too would convince myself that PMO in moderation is okay.  And it absolutely is...just not for addicts :(.  Same thing happened to me, where I just kept bargaining with myself and letting it happen more and more often.  But as you know, you're not the only one to convince themselves of that.  Sorry to hear you're struggling, but you've already got a nice start!  25 days!  I have several friends in marriage counseling and for the most part they are all doing better, and one of the first things they always say is how much it helped with their sex life.  So you're making good decisions for yourself and marriage.

I'm glad you're back and posting.  Stay strong Pdub.
 

Pdub

Member
My previous journal attempt: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=17374.0

I've been exercising more regularly, trying to get my heart rate up and improve cardio strength.  I'm trying a dry January to avoid too much alcohol (so far so good).

My wife tried to engage me this morning while laying in bed.  I felt nothing.  My libido is still gone, zilch, nada.  According to my Rewire Companion app I am at 26 days since I last looked at porn.

The urges come and go.  It seems like when I get an urge my wife isn't in the mood, so I take care of myself (without porn), only to have her the next day seem interested.  I then can't seem to get myself in the mood.

I think even with no porn stimuli, masturbation is still causing relationship damage.  I have to stop completely and can't just go softcore stopping pornography viewing or use.  I need to cut out PMO and MO on its own.

Today I'm going to start that process.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Good luck Pdub!  I also decided to cut out MO as well, tried to keep it in, but, for one, I wasn't even enjoying it, and two, it just made me want P more.

But man, 26 days!  Amazing!  Good for you.  Stay strong!
 

Pdub

Member
29 days without PMO.

My wife is asking why we aren't having sex.  My libido is gone and I can't get an erection for anything right now.  I am in a deep flatline.  Despite nearly a month of not looking at or seeking out porn, I am still suffering from my addiction.  It is affecting my marriage.  We have not had sex in two months now.

I reflected on last year and think that my three horsemen - Boredom, Loneliness, and Anger - somehow became stronger when I was forced into quarantine.  I am one of the lucky few to work from home.  While this may sound great, the pitfall of being alone all the time is that no one can call you out for PMO.

I accept it was mostly my own willpower that lapsed.  A desire to stay clean simply vanished and I indulged myself in fantasies because I could not go anywhere.  I was (am) bored out of my mind, lonely, and angry at the world.  Despite these challenges, I must grow to the challenge and become a better person.

Dry January is still going well.  I will not drink this month.  I must not.
 
D

Deleted member 17609

Guest
Keep it up, friend. Things improve as time goes by, but we have to commit to it. There is nothing worse than this feeling of despair, of being trapped. Try to fix your problems one at the time. Porn addiction is one problem, and relationship issues are a different matter, even if they seem intertwined.

Good luck.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Pdub said:
29 days without PMO.

My wife is asking why we aren't having sex.  My libido is gone and I can't get an erection for anything right now.  I am in a deep flatline.  Despite nearly a month of not looking at or seeking out porn, I am still suffering from my addiction.  It is affecting my marriage.  We have not had sex in two months now.

I reflected on last year and think that my three horsemen - Boredom, Loneliness, and Anger - somehow became stronger when I was forced into quarantine.  I am one of the lucky few to work from home.  While this may sound great, the pitfall of being alone all the time is that no one can call you out for PMO.

I accept it was mostly my own willpower that lapsed.  A desire to stay clean simply vanished and I indulged myself in fantasies because I could not go anywhere.  I was (am) bored out of my mind, lonely, and angry at the world.  Despite these challenges, I must grow to the challenge and become a better person.

Dry January is still going well.  I will not drink this month.  I must not.

100% with the quarantine.  Human's are not made to live like this, in isolation, inside all of the time.  It amplifies our "habits", usually the bad ones, and they become even powerful and harder to break.  My therapist mentioned that those suffering from a P addiction get a rather violent shove in prolonged isolation (thank you very much Covid!).  I'm sure that's true of all addictions though in this time. 

But I had the same issue, I indulged in more and more because why not?  No one around, nothing to do, so why not?  Addiction sucks.  Addiction in isolation is just unfair.  But you're doing well.  Keep up the progress, 29 days is awesome!
 

Pdub

Member
30 days of no PMO.

I broke my Dry January last night and had some drinks.  I don't feel great about that today, but will dust myself off and try to finish up the month with as many days sober as possible.  It may be moving the goal post a bit to say "Well I only had one day of drinking", but that is still a success in some ways compared to my habits of drinking nearly every day last year.

I woke up this morning with a semi - something that has not happened for months.  I've been here before and I know that it is part of the healing process.  I'm happy things are improving and seeing success reinforces I am doing the right thing.  It took longer this time than before.  I can only assume that my brain rewired in some way that made it think "If I wait longer, I will be rewarded."

Not this time, brain.  Not this time.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Ask any alcoholic if making it 12 days and only having a couple of drinks one day is amazing, you will get a resounding yes (and not saying you are alcoholic, just wanted to give perspective).  You're not moving the goal post at all, after a "relapse" your goal hasn't changed and it sounds like you were able to control yourself.  And battling addiction while giving up another vice...not exactly a walk in the park, but you're doing it!

I too have the reward thing in my head, in that I've gone so long and been so good, time for a treat!  But you saw it coming and identified it was just more bullshit from the addict.  You're doing extremely well, I truly envy the clarity you seem to have.  Keep it up!
 

Pdub

Member
31 days of no PMO.

My wife told me last night that we only had sex 8 times last year.  It was a slap in the face and painful to hear.  She said she believes the main reason is because of my ED.  I have extremely low arousal to real stimuli at present, but can easily gain an erection for porn, so this is PIED.  It has been like this for nearly all of last year.  Right now I'm in a flatline of epic proportions.  With no porn, trying to get myself ready, I can do so -by myself- with some work and mental focus.  As soon as I introduce a partner or try to have sex, I lose my erection entirely.

This leads to performance anxiety, depression, feelings of guilt, anger, and loneliness.  I'm afraid to tell my wife that I relapsed last year, because I am worried she will leave me.  However the PIED problem I have is causing so much damage that she may leave me anyway.  All I can do is hope and pray for a change, a flicker of life, for PIED to go away entirely so I can show her that things have changed.  That I am serious this time.  That I won't make the same mistakes.

I know I must take this one day at a time and that there is no magic bullet.  I wish I had never let it get this far.
 
D

Deleted member 17609

Guest
Tough situation. Rooting for you, friend. I know what it is to be in a relationship while having PIED, and what it can do to you.

You seem to know what you have to do, and you are on a good streak right now, so that?s good. The only thing I would like to tell you is to try to not put pressure on yourself. As I said, your situation is delicate, so I understand how you feel. But you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and I think it?s not good for you right now. If you feel you must have sex for the sake of your relationship, it could be a good idea to think about other ways to share intimacy with your wife. Using your tongue and fingers can be a good way to have sex if your erections are not good enough. ED pills is also another alternative, even though I know many guys don?t agree with this. But I have read many many recovery stories from guys who used them at some point and still recovered, so it?s definitely an option to consider.

Good luck. I know it ain?t easy, but there is hope.
 

Pdub

Member
32 days of no PMO.  One day at a time.

I'm still in a flatline and have little to no libido.  No sex dreams, no wet dreams, nothing.  In some ways this is great because I don't feel tempted to look at porn as much.  In other ways I'm wondering if things still work downstairs.  I know from previous experience that testing this will not be surprising - I'll instantly jump to life and get an erection.  PIED is real and my brain hasn't given up on waiting for my next relapse.

The other night I had music pop into my head I hadn't heard in a while.  It was music from a porn video I used to watch.  It took forever to get it out of my head.  Just like listening to music back in high school and playing video games, hearing that music burned images into my brain that are hard to forget. 

Breathing exercises seem to help me center myself and pull away from urges, so I've been reading up on those.
 

Pdub

Member
33 days of no PMO.

I was able to, with less effort, get an erection yesterday (by myself).  I didn't push it and wanted just some minor success.  One day at a time.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
"The other night I had music pop into my head I hadn't heard in a while.  It was music from a porn video I used to watch.  It took forever to get it out of my head.  Just like listening to music back in high school and playing video games, hearing that music burned images into my brain that are hard to forget.

Breathing exercises seem to help me center myself and pull away from urges, so I've been reading up on those."

Mindfulness is one of your most power weapons in leaving this addiction behind you. Keep working on it and it will always be there to help you out of tricky situations.

I'm sorry that I haven't read your previous journal but have you any idea where your addiction stems from? What is your pain that you are running away from with addiction?
 

Pdub

Member
35 days of no PMO.

I'm sorry that I haven't read your previous journal but have you any idea where your addiction stems from? What is your pain that you are running away from with addiction?

I've been a substance abuser since I was 13 with cannabis, and about 22 when I started drinking.  Part of me thinks it was an escalation of my dopamine drive looking for that next rush, especially while high and drunk at the same time.  I've been married for a long time and my spouse had opposite work hour schedules for a long time, so I was alone a lot.  Loneliness, anger when we fought, and boredom are my main obstacles.

Yesterday I had sex and was able to climax, but my PIED was in full force.  I had to use my imagination to get myself going, and I'll admit it was someone I had seen in a P movie.  I'm ashamed of this, but couldn't make it work any other way.  There was literally no response down below, but suddenly when using my imagination things started to come around.

I almost want to say this was a relapse even though I did not seek out artificial stimuli, I still fired up those neural pathways and gave in slightly.  I need to be on guard because this may cause me more urges in the future.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Any idea what drove you to substance abuse at that age?
Maybe try some counselling i found it has helped me really piece things together about where my pain stemmed from originally.

I wouldn't call that a relapse but its as good as an alcoholic spending time in a bar. Danger zone for sure but take some pride in having enough awareness that you called it out. Now you can work on taking steps not to repeat this.
Rooting for you.
 

Pdub

Member
36 days of no PMO.

Any idea what drove you to substance abuse at that age?

I know exactly where it came from (parental issues) and am at peace with it.  At this point I simply need to start making changes in my life for the better, which is what any good counselor would tell me.  The most damaging addiction I have right now is using pornography.  It needs to go away.

Still in a flatline.  No chaser effect currently.  I plan on taking a cold shower and lifting weights if I suddenly get urges.  Such is the nature of being stuck in quarantine at home by yourself.
 

Pdub

Member
42 days of no PMO.

It's been almost a week since I last checked in.  Time really flies sometimes.

I have been waking up with morning wood nearly every day, which has not happened for months.  I had some urges to look at porn last week while my wife was at work, but I took cold showers and made myself some green tea.  So far, so good.
 

Pdub

Member
46 days no PMO!

I find myself still in a flatline but something is tickling the back of my head.  I had a dream last night that was highly erotic, but no sex was involved.  I woke up feeling horny as hell, turning to my wife with a lascivious eye.  Thoughts of pornstars danced in my head all morning, and I've got this urge to browse for P online as I write this.

I'm not going to, though.  I'm going to leave the house and go to the store to get some flowers for my wife.  Part of this rebooting process is learning how to redirect those energies toward something more useful.  In my case it is actually having sex with my wife instead of pixels on a screen.

The urges are real this time.  I don't think I've ever felt this fucking horny.  Time to get out of the house before I do something I'll regret.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
You're in control is sounds like.  Good for you for getting out of the house and not giving yourself any opportunities to relapse.  The erotic/sexual dreams suck, seems like they set me up for the whole day of thinking about sex/P.  But you're aware of it, and defusing it.  Stay strong, friend.
 
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