Untethered Soul

I

Impermanence

Member
Hi, I m 25.  I have struggled with porn and masturbation for almost 8 years now. I have done alot of reading on overcoming porn , studied Psychology, did meditation, went for counseling to overcome this monster that I have been fighting in secrecy.  This struggle is still with me- I masturbated to porn today and I was looking for reboot community  so that I could reach out for help and put myself togather... and I am happy to be here.

The reason why I named my journal as 'Untethered Soul' is to indicate that even if my mind and body is prisoned by this  destructive behaviour, my soul remains pure and free. I have fallen down a 1000 times and I may fall another 1000 times but I haven't given up on myself & I will never give up on myself untill I am fully Liberated..
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Percept95 said:
Hi, I m 25. I have struggled with porn and masturbation for almost 8 years now. I have done alot of reading on overcoming porn , studied Psychology, did meditation, went for counseling to overcome this monster that I have been fighting in secrecy. This struggle is still with me- I masturbated to porn today and I was looking for reboot community so that I could reach out for help and put myself togather... and I am happy to be here.

The reason why I named my journal as 'Untethered Soul' is to indicate that even if my mind and body is prisoned by this destructive behaviour, my soul remains pure and free. I have fallen down a 1000 times and I may fall another 1000 times but I haven't given up on myself & I will never give up on myself untill I am fully Liberated..
Click to expand...
I am back after a long time now. I am 27 now. Still struggling with PMO. I saw a user post daily account of happenings and he noted public accountability helps. So I am going to to try it myself.
 
I

Impermanence

Member
I masturbated to porn yesterday. It feels like whole weekend is ruined. Just before relapsing I had a call with HR. Nothing serious was discussed yet something in me felt fear and stuck/ frozen. I started with watching subtle search of hot black girls and within no time I was scrolling nudes and then full fledge porn videos - Step mom and son and what not.. masturbated to porn 3 times

After the relapse I was feeling drained and wondering why did this happen. I started journaling just to process what had happened- I was only present to brain Fog- Nothing was coming. There was no 'I' 'self' to speak from.

So I started writing from third person- As I wrote repressed anger towards self was arising- Steve is useless, worthless, doesn't deserve to live, he never learns, better dead than alive -all sorts of abuses were being pours on self. ( It was all the abuse that I had suffered at the hands of my uncle and father that would normally hid was showing up as self was in this vulnerable/ shameful position.)
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Day 1.

Today, I meditated in a group for 5 hr. As I sat noticing my breath. The erotic images of what I had seen yesterday was showing up in bits and pieces. It was difficult to sit through. But I was able to silence my mind to some extend.

I came home. Had lunch. and was sitting in my room alone for some time. Again the craving started showing up.After last relapse I had made changes to phone themes and notification so it is condusive to nofapping. Earlier i had a vpn button in notification that would mean I could instantly turn it on and jump on my impulse to masturbate. today I didn't have that button there so that saved me from instantly jumping on my craving.

Instead i started looking for apps on Playstore to track and overcome PMO. with searches and finds I got to interesting article on how porn causes severe alterations in Brain - 1) Sensitization, 2) Desensitization, 3) Dysfunctional prefrontal circuits (hypofrontality), 4) Dysfunctional stress circuits.
Here's a detail article on it https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/reb...ction-cause-irreversible-damage-to-the-brain/

That's how I got back to RebootNation. Feels good to be back. From here on will post daily on my daily happenings in my journey to Recovery from PMO. All the best to me (Once again)

(Note:- Have changed my profile name to 'Impermanence' as it reflects state of nature of things- Not to act on Impulses as 'this shall pass too'.)
 
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I

Impermanence

Member
Day 2.
Had a heavy work day. Handled some difficult work cases. Strong Emotions were stuck in the head. Came home mediated for a hour- still the mind was not calming down. I did sense tiny bit of craving to escape the difficult emotions- but didn't turn towards PMO.
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Day 3

Yesterday night a friend asked me how I am doing ?.. And I answered life and work is full of challenges and learnings.. and I m kind of loving it.

Thats how I feel today too. Life is full of challenges and learnings and I m loving it.

I think the postive changes has been due to:-

1) My long standing practice of Vipassana meditation. From the day of relapse I have been mediating morning and evening daily 1hr each sitting. It helps process daily triggers and stressors that otherwise would have pushed me to relapse. Number of relapse has been less. I can't imagine a life without this mediation- If I had not taken a 10days Vipassana retreat in 2018, god knows where I would have been now. Also I help others get established in Dhamma by serving at many places and postions helping other get Dana of Vipassana meditation. This has been cardinal in increasing my merits and keeping me on my moral track with falls here and there.

2) Along with Meditation I have also been going to personal therapy. I m so grateful to have a trauma centric therapist who deeply understands what I m going through. Most of the addictions have a root in unhealed trauma. Our nervous systems use addictions (PMO is recognised as behavioural addiction) as a way to sooth the pain of trauma. As Bessel Van der Kolk say Body keeps the score - Nothing of trauma suffered by the body is forgotten. It is all stored in the body and when it becomes overwhelming for nervous system it relies on coping mechanism ( unhealthy/ healthy) to sooth the pain. I have long been working on my pain & trauma with series of therapists from time to time. Now I have good body centred therapist. She has been helping me do real deep work.

3) Lastly meaningful service has been another contributing factor to having meaningful life that stops me from going completely array. I myself have been supporting terminally ill patients in the best of my capacity. The work is difficult and witnessing pain in my patients brings me in touch with hard surfaces & suffering in me. This pain that shows up is also an opportunity to to attend suffering fully and heal it fully in me without running away from it or covering or numbing it with Temporary pleasures of PMO.

I fully accept the imperfections of being a human and I also acknowledge that stating these postive points of my life on Day 3 in no way means that I m free from PMO. All I am saying that right now the life is challenging and I am learning and I loving it all.. all of the full catastrophe called life.
 
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R

Recovery Will Come

Active Member
Impermanence said:
Hi, I m 25. I have struggled with porn and masturbation for almost 8 years now. I have done alot of reading on overcoming porn , studied Psychology, did meditation, went for counseling to overcome this monster that I have been fighting in secrecy. This struggle is still with me- I masturbated to porn today and I was looking for reboot community so that I could reach out for help and put myself togather... and I am happy to be here.

The reason why I named my journal as 'Untethered Soul' is to indicate that even if my mind and body is prisoned by this destructive behaviour, my soul remains pure and free. I have fallen down a 1000 times and I may fall another 1000 times but I haven't given up on myself & I will never give up on myself untill I am fully Liberated..
Click to expand...
I Ike the mindset I’ve failed and relapsed countless times for the past 8 years myself but I’m in the position now to succeed and currently in Week 10… Keep going and your making the right decision to quit!! Trust me it’s definitely worth it….The benefits are amazing.. Rebooting is the right path
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Recovery Will Come said:
I Ike the mindset I’ve failed and relapsed countless times for the past 8 years myself but I’m in the position now to succeed and currently in Week 10… Keep going and your making the right decision to quit!! Trust me it’s definitely worth it….The benefits are amazing.. Rebooting is the right path
Click to expand...
Thank you @Recovery Will Come for your support.I am very happy to hear about your progress and benefits.. Best of 'will' rather than 'luck' as we can count on former than later.
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Day 4

Key highlights of the day

Had No desire for PMO.. I did notice my body engaging in different meaningful professional relationships. I did feel a need to be more organised and have better time management

As I meditated at the end at one point I came across an interesting thought that said what do i seek? ( Focusing on thought is not the point in meditation but I allowed this time). Thought was I don't seek Money or satisfaction but rather what i seek is to reach my fullest potential.. My focus on work & personal and contemplative practices has been geared toward reaching this goal of fullest potential and PMO has always been a hindrance to self-direction.

Lastly, it's guru poornima today - Guru Purnima has been celebrated to commemorate Gautam Buddha's first sermon to his first five disciples in Uttar Pradesh's Sarnath.

The Practical teachings of Buddha that liberated him and many others from suffering is still preserved and is taught in the form of 10 days meditation retreat courses all around the world- The technique is called Vipassana Meditation. The technique is known to help with addiction and turn even prisoners into compassionate beings. Sharing the details here in the hopes that just like the technique is helping me cope with my and many others suffering.. may those who read my journal also benefit from this technique.

Here are the details on the courses
https://www.dhamma.org/en/index.

May you all be happy and peaceful 🙏
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Day 5

Feeling stronger today. Also connected with good old friends and meditators. Feeling like my normal self.

BECOMING AWARE OF MY MINDS PATTERN
I am amazed at one thing though -how feeling normal self makes me also feel casual about PMO. Casual in the sense that although I had masturbated to porn 5 days back today I don't feel the bad effects of PMO and it's some part of me feel 'may be it's okay', 'may be it's not that bad'... This is the time to be more on guard as this is how the mind tricks. As I will move to weekends my mind will say .. it's not that bad.. let's take a tinny peek at some romantic couples hugging and then slowly move into nudity and from there would make me watch sex gifs and
Now that i have already reached here my mind would say why not look at some step mom and son porn , interracial.. it never ends!. In no time I'll be back to ground zero.. cursing and abusing part in me that fall off the edge.

This is how my PMO cycle works.today I am aware of it..I m not going to let my guard down. Come what may👊
 
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I

Impermanence

Member
Day 7,

Today was smooth sail. Heading strong👍

Mind keeps revealing new inner mysteries & wisdom arises in every meditation sittings. Grateful for the life🙏
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Day 8

Good day. Being sunday meditated for almost 5 hrs.. I sensed ease and humor in me as I interacted with significant others. I also had a really deep conversation with a relative that otherwise I would just do a ritual of 'hello/ hi / how r you and bye'

I did sense sexual energy show up here and there- one in presence of a female friend. I also sensed it as I was going through music app one or two songs had dp with female figures that had a 'pull' factor that would slightly subtly trigger PMO pathways.

I urge myself to be careful and around even music apps. They can trigger relapse too.

Another thing worth noting is in afternoon i was feeling unwell- nausea like feeling. Probably coz of what I eat during this time I sensed a strong need to MO just to feel better. I observed the urge come up and waited and noticed it pass away. When in unease also PMO calls something worth noting and remembering.

wishing the very best to me for next week.👍
 
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I

Impermanence

Member
Day 9
Early Morning erotic dream lead to unconscious morning wood and I waking up to pleasent sensation as my part pushed against the bed. If i had to wake up few moments later I would have woken up to ejection.. Tricks that mind play on us are unimaginable!. Still going strong.

At work i notice mind going from being attracted to one female to another female. It is natural wiring but the awareness of monkey mind jumping from one branch to another- make me look at it with wonder and surprise at the same with kindness.

O mind so foolish.. May you grow strong and wise🙏
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Day 11,
Past 2 days has been very tiring- overwork, skipped/delayed meals, delayed sleep. Body felt tired and fatigued. Somehow mind is not tired. Mind is fresh and in good shape. May be because of my meditation practice.

No desire felt for PMO. Going good 👍.
 
I

Impermanence

Member
Day 12,

Today I found some part in me getting attracted to a girl at work ( especially on noticing her hips). Something in me was shouting OMG!.. I really don't know whether it's okay or not to have some part in me shout like that- the part seem primitive and felt strongly pulled to notice her hips.

On other hand I shared a good interaction with another Girl- she spoke about her spiritual inclinations and I was listening being present to her- it was nice to connect with a real women.

Wishing will and wishing well to self as I go forward.. May I and May all beings be happy and peaceful 🙏
 
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