Mind is 'still' like that of a clear water..I m actually surpirsed at how I can sit with suffering of one patient after another and can still flexibly move from different modes of my Nervous system without getting stuck in one state or the other for a long time.
Before I use to be in the hyperaroused ( on the edge/ nervous/ fearful) state of mind and would use PMO as a way to regulate my nervous system down only to get momentary relief of pleasure and then get stuck in Hypo-aroused mode (depressed/stuck/shameful)
Today I realised that I am more in window of tolarance- where my social system and emotional system is online and can better engage (50-60%) with others.
That's a good boost to keep on with my self-care
Daily reboot nation track posts.
Daily Morning & Evening Meditation.
PMO (Off at all cost)
Life challenges continue. Facing them on with necessary support - Personal therapy, meditation and tomorrow I also have a group sitting (Vipassana community support) and Also getting good support from Reboot nation community.
Was re-watching Shawshank redemption today.. A qoute by Andy on Hope stuck in my head. In a letter to Red he writes " Remember Red, Hope is a good thing, may be the best of things, and no good things ever die"...
I am hopeful as I move forward. Hopeful that I will make it ..one day at time.
Today I lost a patient to cancer. He was well known person and had really made big difference in people's life through his work. His sudden death taught me an important lessen on life and death. That no matter how much money or fame you have.. no matter 'n' number of people are praying for you.. Death waits for non.. it makes an equal justice with all living beings.
In essence our time is really limited. I really don't know how much long I have to live.. having seen a child and young adults die to illness has bought me although more face to face with this harsh truth.
I don't want to waste my time on meger things like PMO. When I come to die I want to know that I have lived fully- without any regrets.
I love what you're saying about our limited time here. We don't value the time we're given enough often I think. And once it's gone it's not coming back. We better make the most of the one life we have! No time for P.
Day well spent surrounded by dhamma filled people full of morality (silā) We had a 10th day of a 10 day course of Vipassana at Goa. meeting fellow servers and dhamma friends. It was heart warming to see glowing faces with Joy and happiness.
Those who wish to try this technique can attend this life changes course:-
Today has been weird day. Despite having done deep meditative sittings in morning half..in evening I have felt pulled by temptations.
early recalls of naked figures of women and desire to engage in some pleasure showing up here and there in mind.
I m observing this desire / temptation. May I think and act in a best interest of self and others. May I be happy and peaceful.
Yesterday was day 23..I saw a women who was dressed very seductively. I noticed my mind going in short circuit on looking at her. It's mysterious how mind when noticing something beautiful, fit, shaped and right curves... REACTS... and reacts with sensation.. sensation that is so fast and so quick.. TICKLE like sensations in stomach and pelvic region.. I am certain if I were to speak to that women my behaviour would have been also influenced by this unconscious sensation.. by being Overfriendly and Permissive.. There would have been very little choice and freedom of action..
I wonder if same women was to sell me something that I wouldn't necessarily want.. how much of an influence this Sensation tickle or pull that I felt would have played into me buying that product..
Ahrhh!.. things that women can make a man do.. I suppose this sensation is good in a healthy relationship.. not otherwise ( PMO ).. I m glad all this noticing is just noticing and my mind is not fragile to act on these difficult sensations. If this was few weeks back I sure would have fallen back on PMO.
I was parking my bike at work place and there was some road obstruction that i was struggling with. There was an insect that was passing by near the tires which I was mindful not to trash.
As I was doing all the adjustment, twisting & turing One of the colleague that I work with was passing by. Somthing in me told me to Quicken (possibly Shame or something) and I speed up and trashed the insect. Something in me felt bad for what I had done.
This incident was tiny yet had an impact on me. How our small actions can do harm to others. In the context of PMO (in past).Post PMO I remember feeling impulsive, Irrational, mindless and having no control over Thoughts, Feeling or Behaviour. In such a state I must have unknowing harmed many.
My sincere apology to all those I have hurt. May you all be free from suffering and find peace
I'd like to add something about hope - hope is the guy you turn when you take no actions and would like for someone else to do the driving for you. I realize that it might sound a bit negative but I'm saying this because I don't think that you need hope. You are doing the heavy lifting, not hope. You're quitting this, not hope. Don't hope, do. And you're doing just that. Keep it up.