Untethered Soul

Day 41 & 42,

Travel, Half sleepless nights, tiredness , work, learning , growing , meaningful conversations with patients and caregivers. Alot has happened in last two days.

Still going strong with resolve. I m deeply happy!🌻
Day 43- 45.

When I woke up on the morning of day 44..I woke up to natural ejection.. It was an unconscious mind that had expressed past hidden patterns. Perhaps it was natural bodies process. There was no porn or masturbation involved. It all naturally happened.

I continued my day like any other normal day. There was no shame or guilt coz I had not chosen to engage in it.

Day 45 was very busy day and full of professional learnings. All going great. Little slowing down would help a bit as a part of self care.
Day 46-47

I m doing okay. Today when travelling back i met a driver who was sharing about his infatuation for PMO. He was married for 10 years had two kids. No intimate relationship with wife. Wife stayed seperate he was supporting financially but didn't have love of affection for wife.

He shared his one time encounter with a women in red light area. The excitement and with craze that he explained it all in details. The amount of lust that was present in the vehicle was too overwhelming for my nervous system to take in. I remember having eraction in resonance as i listened to what he shared..

A pure animal obsession he had. He seem to me also someone with engage in vouygarisum.He went on to even say that rapes reduce coz of red light area like he had seen. I was listening in surprise as he expressed it all. And my concerns for him were did he used protection. Is his family okay.

Why was i even there in that vehicle. Listening to him as he shared. This the third case I had been whiteness to of a betrayal and lust ploughing through the life of families.pure madness!

He didn't seem to care about changing.

As i came to my GH. I was sitting with sensation that were triggered in me with this whole interaction. I do not wish to go back on this path. Today I really feel like I need support. i know you all are there to support.
Day 48
There was some sexual attraction towards one female today that I felt.

There was also a deeper connection with a part in me that was initially numb but as it witnessed a geniune care and unconditional love that my facilitator experienced during a therapeutic exchange with a student- The numb part experienced love.

I m still sitting with it 🌷
Day 61-62 (8th Sept)

All going great. Deepening my connection with self through meditation and openning up myself more and more to others - connection with others. Without PMO life is becoming easier and easier 🏵️🏵️🏵️
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Day 63-Day 71 (16 Sept)

Growing, Growing and Growing many fold personally, Professional , Mentally and spiritually💜🔆🌻. No PMO life feels awesome🙌✌️
Day 75
Strong impulses to watch porn and to masturbate felt. Noticed myself skimming through bikini girls pics.. now need is felt to further indulge. Don't know what to do.. just download VPn browser.. I know what's coming next
Don't do it! It's never worth it once you're done. Never. Stay strong my friend!
SimonM. thanks for caring enough to support me as a friend. Some part in me was not listening to me and persisted to seek porn. I caved in after 75 days of steongly staying away from it. I am present to shame, i do feel upset.. i am not angry though as this is the furthest i have gotten second time and acknowledge that spirit in me to push through for so many days.
I must also mention that during these 75 days of not masturbating to porn i had almost attained god like spirit and energy in me. Everything, every challenge felt like a cup of tea. Mental capacity for manifold and so was relational capacity to stay present to any sort of distress in me and others.

Today post PM I become present to some sort of social withdrawal, inferiority, presence of shame and reluctance and also stepping back from challenges sense present in me . Also care and concern for others seem to have taken backseat.

I have decided to start reboot second time. may i be successful, may I be peaceful, may I have strength to endure and stick to my path of porn free life 🌻
Reboot 2 - Day 1,
Pornographic images shows up in mind even as i sit to meditate. There is urge that aslo shows up in body to engage again in porn images. Some part in me justifies it as okay , pleasurable and sweet. as I write something saying in ..That i like it when I m touching my genitals as I watch sexy curvey naked bodies and step mother & son kind of shocking and loving bond.

My sense of focus-moral and shilas have shaken.i pray to my soul to support me to walk with me as opposites to against me in this journey of reboot🙏🌻
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R2- Day 2
Every moment feels heavy, Lethargic, dry.. like zest for life is lost.. desire for life has taken backseat.. like i just want to go to sleep or hide and wake up when all this is over.

I was the one who would support other people's life.. today i don't feel like engaging much.

Despite all this rough patch I stll want to focus on what's positive .. so no matter how I feel I'll also acknowledge one thing that I am grateful.