Untethered Soul

From sunday to tuesday I have masturbated atleast 6 times 5 of it to the porn. It's saddening to see that something in me seeks this and I don't have any conscious control over it.

From today on I have decided that I will restart the reboot (3) with an option to have masturbation but without porn. And see how that works.

Green Code:- You are allowed to masturbate without porn. (MwP)
Last edited:


Respected Member
It happens Impermanence, don't be too hard on yourself. All you can do is get back up and keep on going.

It's saddening to see that something in me seeks this and I don't have any conscious control over it.
You do have control, it's just a weak muscle that needs to be strengthened.

Search your heart for the reasons of your relapse and learn from this, then, keep on going.

It happens Impermanence, don't be too hard on yourself. All you can do is get back up and keep on going.

You do have control, it's just a weak muscle that needs to be strengthened.

Search your heart for the reasons of your relapse and learn from this, then, keep on going.

Thanks Blondie. I really needed this supportive words.. I have known God like strength in the absence of PMO.. today it feels hard to navigate. I don't even know how i got through the day.. I'll try to do as you say get up, look in heart for reasons, try again and keep going👍
R3- Day 1
Feeling exhausted in one part of my brain and .. memory, concentration, judgement has taken backseat not functioning fully..

Wishing well for self and days to come
This is the law of nature,
which no one can escape:
a defiled mind remains agitated,
an unstained mind is happy.

–S.N. Goenka

Dhamma qoute of the day .. so true 🙏
I don't know what to say about today pritty weird day. Internally i felt confused, impulse driven, face was dead and lifeless. My colleague could sense something different in me and needing a vacation to recuperate from the state i was in she called me disoriented, multiple things on mind , agitated. I had a same sense of me and I exactly knew where it all was coming frkm. Memory was not supportive, judgement plagued. I don't know how i got through the day.

On other hand there was some part of the day there were many people who deeply appreciated my work. Perhaps on past experience of my self and some good things that i was still able to do despite the boiled vegetable state.

Hence i call this day weird day..

I did some self compassion practice.. that was helpful to recognise the fatigue i was going through.

May I be strong, may I walk the pure path of dhamma and grow many folds spiritually. May the best of good that develop in me reach the each and everyone in need. May i be happy and peaceful and may I share this happiness , Peace and harmony with others 🙏🌻.

When head is messed up it is so easy for mind to get angry, hold grudges. It easily feels hurt and want to share hurt by spreading bad about others that hurt us. This is so not me. Who is this that I have become?. Lying and hiding and shrinking from challenges. This is definately not me.. Agitated, distracted... Not really me!

This is all my own making. And just like I received good fruits of good times. I will receive spoiled fruited of wasted time. When mind-body-spirit is not in sync every things that we strive for always seems to be hard to achieve.

I am not angry or upset or sad. All I am is I want my this self to learn from this mind-body-spiritual poverish times. May I be happy, May I be peaceful and may I be free from this self inflicted suffering.
Yesterday was day 4. I have noticed one thing when I am in this phase i often step down from whom who i am. In a sense that i would do a job like that of a clerical which is not in my profile. There is more permissiveness in my personality. i guess it's coz of messed up judgement system as a result of PMO.

There also little regard for self care.I need a hair cut, i have tooth and a Spex that needs fixing. But little regard for getting it done

Huge Difference in level of energy , concentration and tasks, communication and empathy / resonance. They are all low. Wishing well for me.

May I remember all this that PMO has put me through. May I reach my best self soon. May I be happy and peaceful and share the same with others.
R3-D5&6 (2 & 3rd Oct)

Yesterday I did have a craving I even noticed myself latch the door in an impulse but somehow instead of seeking porn I made a call to a colleague over a something she wanted to discuss. Somehow impulse subsided.

Today as I was browsing some youtube videos i saw a semi nude picture in a person's profile in comments section by accident. Some part in me was aware of something in me pinning its attention to it.. some other part wishing well that may the person who put this up may he walk on the right path , that may he be well and help others live well. This mettā sensation has helped me earlier disconnect from porn material earlier. It did help out to some extent this time too.

I was also aware of how much our culture has become sex centric/eroticisim centric as i happen to watch jeans advertisement on TV again by accident.. I decided it's best to avoid any triggers so turned off my youtube and so forth.

Another important realisation is when I m at 75th + days the libido/sex energy is y recovered from last binge. There is higher desire to engage is PMO at that time. so I need to start preparing myself from now on for the battle that is yet to come. That means physical resilience development through yoga and exercise, green code in place if impulse arises, food and sleep and regular meditation checks, (protective factors)

making a list of triggers like boredom / over arousal / hyperarousal /holidays/ lack of connection / no way out cornered feeling are some triggers. (Risk factors).

will create my own book for resilience to go through hard times starting tomorrow incorporating all learnings so far...
R3 -D7- (4t Oct)

I m okay now. I do notice some part of me at times getting narrow and stuck on attractive female body parts and shapes in real time. In real sense it may be natural but my last relapse has certainly influenced my visual perceptions.

Another subtler noticing there were some events in last week that I could have felt better if I had not PM'ed /in first place- my human senstive side seem numb and shutdown.

Wishing self well again🙏
R3-D 34,- (oct 31st) Had a good run so far. But yesterday night felt an urge to feel good. Naturally instead of moving to Porn i made a choice to allow myself to only masturba te without porn. On an suprising note it was one of the best i have had so far.

Having felt best pleasure. Mind was craving for more in morning so did it again. Then i noticed mind asking for aid with porn. Noticed me moving towards it. Instead of opening porn site. Opened rebootnation. And writing this entry.

I really don't want to go on that path again. mind stay strong
December start till now I have fully engaged in PMO. I m unable to regulate or point as to why this is happening.

I feel like i need a break from professional and even personal life. I wish to become a monk for few years to fully study my mind in isolation without any external distractions. May be go to foot of Himalayas stay and meditate there. I will be turning 28 in coming march - perhaps go then.

I m really tired going through this cycle of committing to reboot and then falling on my face. I have been doing this for over 10years. I know humans are designed to procreate and sexuality & lust is part of what it means to be human. But what I have been searching for (since the sensible age of 17 ) mental stability - equanimity. And i have had it for brief periods in my life - the confidence, fearlessness, the mental flexibility & clarity that comes with it is limitless. I want to be in that state. Not masturbating to porn. Monk way seems the only way.
R4-D1:- I have been going down the ditch again. The only problem I have in my life is this - Uncontrollable & insatiable Passion & Lust- it hinder my professional work, my relationships, my life choices and my spiritual progress.

From yesterday night I have Masturbated to Pron thrice. And after every act there is cloud of shaming thoughts , Regret that I shouldn't have done shows up. But I still act again on lust impluses anyways. I don't understand this part.

It's painful to see my actions incoherent with my spiritual belief system. Hence I am restarting my reboot journey.