Lost case. Relapse in day 60

Strecker

Member
Well, first of all, I think I should talk a little about myself. I have been a passive user of this forum for quite some time, and I recognize that without what I have read and learned here, I would never have gotten this far. I am usually quite reluctant to participate actively, but I think I owe it to this forum, and above all, I hope that this post will help someone, or that at least someone can learn something from my mistakes. So I will try to structure this post, to facilitate its reading.

BACKGROUND:

I am currently 44 years old, unhappily married with one son. From a very young age I suffered mistreatment (physical and psychological) and beatings by my mother, a chronic depressive person with suicidal tendencies. My childhood was a living hell, and I was always a sad child without friends. I don't remember any girl ever even trying to talk to me, so around 12 years old I started with porn, at first with magazines, and later with videos and movies.

My adolescence was horrible, alternating arguing, crying and yelling at home with bulling and abuse from my schoolmates. I became a shy and faint-hearted teenager, without any friend. Since the beginning of the Internet, back in my 14-16 years, I already masturbated looking for perversions on the net.

Since then, and until today I have used internet porn at least two or three times a day, usually a lot more. Every fucking day I have wasted hours and hours edging or just masturbating to porn.

SUMMARY: 44-year-old male with 30 years of intensive and daily porn behind me, including edging, compulsive masturbation, increasingly strange deviations and all the practices that in this forum are classified as toxic and negative. Depressed, suicidal, socially incompetent and with erectile dysfunction with real women. A lost case with my dopamine receptors burned and crushed by three decades of constant porn.

SYMPTOMS BEFORE THE RESET:

* Social insecurity, inability to make friends, lack of interest in making contact or simply talking with other people. Stage panic, to the point of ruining my career as a scientist.

* Disinterest in real sex, panic of failing in bed with a woman. Sex is stressful for me, more like passing a test rather than the pleasurable experience it is supposed to be.

* Tiredness, lack of energy, and total lack of motivation to do anything (apart from watching porn, of course). Even the basics (like cleaning up, or even making my breakfast) require huge amounts of willpower to get done.

* Depression. Life is gray, sad, empty and meaningless. I have become an atheist (which curiously I see as a positive). In recent years, the only thing that made me smile was the idea of throwing myself on the train tracks when I returned each day from work. For me, life is nothing but a sentence to be served.

* Fed up even with porn. Right from the beginning, thirty years ago, I started with deviant porn, to the point of being unable to get turned on by normal sex. But the tastes of my later years pass the line of the sick. To this day, masturbation is not as pleasant as it used to be. Even so, I have suffered from "compulsive masturbation", masturbating at work or even while driving!

* Erectile dysfunction. My first attempt at sex (and my first kiss) was with a prostitute at 21 years old. I was so terrified that I failed miserably. Since then, performance with women has always been variable. When I had sex, I have never been able to get turned on with my partner, and I had to imagine porn fantasies to be able to fulfill in bed.

RESET. BENEFITS, OBSTACLES AND PROBLEMS OBSERVED.

The first week has been hell, with constant temptations to go back to porn, anxiety, depression, and brain fog.

The second week has also been very hard, with greater depression if possible, until on the 11th I reached the flat line. From there, everything has been much easier, to the point that it has taken almost no effort to keep going, especially the last few weeks.

Here I should note that the reboot was not as optimal as I would like, due to the following problems:

* Sport: From the first day I joined a gym, to take advantage of my free time, and with great effort I managed to go every day. From the second week, all gyms were closed due to anti-coronavirus measures. Sport in discarded. I cannot report any effect here for this reason.

* Social life: I am Spanish, but I live in Germany for work reasons. Because of the language, the mentality of the people and my own introverted nature, I have no friends, acquaintances, or social contacts. I tried to meet new people, but because of the anti-coronavirus measures, everything is closed. Social life is discarded.

* Rewiring / Relationship with the opposite sex: I live in a matrimonial prison where sex is non-existent. For personal reasons, under no circumstances would I try to rewire with my wife, and due to anti-coronavirus measures, contact with other women is impossible. Rewiring is discarded.

Considering the antecedents and the obstacles exposed, I didn't really expect any real effect ... but I also had nothing to lose by trying. Still, in just two months I have already noticed the following benefits:

* Increased mood. From the 30th onwards, my mood has become "normal", which compared to the usual "suicidal bitter depressive" just a month before, is already a big step forward. Suicidal thoughts have disappeared in this second month.

* Decrease in social anxiety: In the last month I have noticed less fear of talking to people. Sometimes I even wanted to chat a bit with other people, which has never happened to me. I have also noticed a greater tendency to confront people when conflict has arisen, rather than shy away from problems as I have done so far. This is a subtle change, I have not got super powers or anything like that.

* Energy: The last month I have noticed an increase in energy. I leave my job still with energy, when it is normal for me to leave exhausted. Even on my days off I used to be exhausted, unlike this last month.

* Libido: I'm still not attracted to women without involving porn fantasies. I guess it's too early, I'm too burned out, and I also don't have any contact with women. Even so, the wet dreams have appeared again, and the tone of the fantasies has dropped quite a bit.

RELAPSE.

The relapse has come on the 60th day. After a month of confinement due to coronavirus, I found out that the measures are going to continue for another month. The idea of being locked up with my wife and my son for another suffocating and endless month, with no gym, no contact with other people, no bars, no restaurants, no cinemas, no friends, no beers (which mostly happened to me, due to the language barrier)... Well, I just fell apart. Porn is one of the few things that gave me pleasure in life, and as other users have written in this forum, it is like a curtain that stuns you, and that hides the absolute emptiness that is your existance.

In just two days of relapse, the suicidal thoughts and depression have returned. Life is empty and meaningless. I am exhausted again as soon as I get up and the desire to talk to anyone has disappeared, in addition to arguing even more with my wife.

I am writing this so people will think twice before making the same mistake as me. It took me two months to get all those benefits... and only two days to lose them.


ANNEX: VIAGRA AND SIMILAR.

One point that I think is interesting is that I have repeatedly tried Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. Usually they have not worked, and I have not achieved erections (or any attraction) with my physical partner, BUT, when I return home and put myself in front of the computer, the same pills that failed half an hour before have produced erections of hours, to the point to be painful. And without taking any additional doses.

My experience is that these drugs artificially maintain erections, but do not help to achieve them. They do not work on libido, and without interest in your partner, there are no erections, and therefore they do nothing.

On the other hand, I have seen the side effects. Due to panic of failing in bed, sometimes I have taken so much that my lips have darkened, and if I get an erection, orgasm is almost impossible. Personally, I do not recommend them, at least until the initial problem has been solved: that of being attracted to real women, and not with pixels on a screen.


To finish, I apologize for the length of the post. I think people should see that there are not only success stories in this forum, and that it is normal to fall from time to time. But above all I want people to see that even in extreme and hopeless cases like mine, in just a couple of months positive effects have already appeared. That there is a light at the end of the road, however hard it may be, and that if someone like me has started to recover, anyone can.

Thanks to all the participants in this forum, for the help they are offering to people like me.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Relapses happen. I doubt there are many addicts who don't relapse on their way to recovery. Just remember how you felt the benefit of quitting for 60 days and remove to improve on that. You can do it! Others have beaten this addiction.

Stay strong, don't let the relapse become a 6 month binge. Things will get better, but it can be a slow process.

Good luck!

mouse
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Strecker, first of all, welcome!

You?re right to say that not all stories on here should be success stories, but neither should you present your story as a failure coming out of the gate.

Really, I see neither success nor failure, but a lot of men (and women) trying, working at changing their lives. Habit change is very possible, but not easy.

I think 60 days without your addiction is wonderful! The fact that you keep trying, even after a lapse is itself a success! It?s not for no reason that this forum doesn?t have a category titled, ?Reboot Failures?- because even if your habits persist for decades (as mine have), the fact is that we should always try new things to beat our addiction and never give up trying.

I think in many of our cases, we should focus on changing the mental attitudes that kept us addicted for years, before looking for the physical benefits (which take a little longer) of stopping porn.

You can do it, just pick yourself up and keep going!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Strecker said:
To finish, I apologize for the length of the post. I think people should see that there are not only success stories in this forum, and that it is normal to fall from time to time. But above all I want people to see that even in extreme and hopeless cases like mine, in just a couple of months positive effects have already appeared. That there is a light at the end of the road, however hard it may be, and that if someone like me has started to recover, anyone can.

Hola Strecker. Congrats on 60 days of sacrifice.... increased energy, libido, confidence and positivity you've enjoyed. As you say... "there's light at the end of the road", and it's a light you can regain quickly. It's clear that you want to get your recovery back on track. Congrats on that willingness! Apply a bit of first aid... RUN. Remove yourself from P opportunities... shut the laptop or tablet of phone down and walk away. Undistort your thinking.... you're far from being a lost cause. You've achieved a lot and should consider yourself to have made great strides. Never forget the bad times on P.... the "absolute emptiness of your existence" behind the curtain. Build time between the trigger / stimulus to use P and any action in the wrong direction. Whether that's "offering it up to your higher power"... "boxing your chimp".... "cooling your hot system"... prayer.... Create distance between stimulus and action. You can do this. If you need help on how.... message somebody here who appears to have a similar outlook on life to yourself.

I love a Joe Rogan quote, me. How's this one;
?We define ourselves far too often by our past failures. That?s not you. You are this person right now. You?re the person who has learned from those failures. Build confidence and momentum with each good decision you make from here on out and choose to be inspired.?

Wishing you confidence and strength, my friend. You can do this.
 

roark

Member
Hi Streamer
Thanks for your post. It's a relief knowing that you had all those improvements while rebooting.
I wish all the best for your next try
 

marco_60

Active Member
I appreciate your sincerity, Strecker! The admission of a failure would be impossible without a brave attitude, and you have it. I also had relapses the previous time, but instead of admitting I simply abandoned my journal and the Forum here. The only thing I would like to say is this: most of your symptoms are also our own symptoms, thus you are not alone! From my only and previous reboot experience, few years ago, I think it will take time before one sees some improvements in libido, possibly few months. Thus, do not despair: and when you feel the urge to relapse again just come here and write it down: I think it helps.
 

Strecker

Member
Hallo again! It took me almost an entire month to reach again day 5!

What initially was intended as a ?one or two days of relax, just to take a little pause from this process? has become half a moth festival of porn. Now I am sure I have lost all the benefits, so I tried to start over again... just to fail miserably. I thought it would be easy to have a good streak again, but the last two weeks I just... could not stop it.

It took all my willpower to raise my head again and go back to the fight. I should have paid a little more attention to the post of Mousemat1 ?Stay strong, don't let the relapse become a 6 month binge.?

So, now I reached again Day 5, and again, let this serve as a warning to those who read this post. A single slip can easily become in weeks or months fapping in front your computer, and that will for sure erase all the improvements you made.

It takes a lot of effort to stand up again. Thanks once more to the people here, coming back to this forum really helped me to go back to the fight.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Strecker said:
Well, first of all, I think I should talk a little about myself. I have been a passive user of this forum for quite some time, and I recognize that without what I have read and learned here, I would never have gotten this far. I am usually quite reluctant to participate actively, but I think I owe it to this forum, and above all, I hope that this post will help someone, or that at least someone can learn something from my mistakes. So I will try to structure this post, to facilitate its reading.

BACKGROUND:

I am currently 44 years old, unhappily married with one son. From a very young age I suffered mistreatment (physical and psychological) and beatings by my mother, a chronic depressive person with suicidal tendencies. My childhood was a living hell, and I was always a sad child without friends. I don't remember any girl ever even trying to talk to me, so around 12 years old I started with porn, at first with magazines, and later with videos and movies.

My adolescence was horrible, alternating arguing, crying and yelling at home with bulling and abuse from my schoolmates. I became a shy and faint-hearted teenager, without any friend. Since the beginning of the Internet, back in my 14-16 years, I already masturbated looking for perversions on the net.

Since then, and until today I have used internet porn at least two or three times a day, usually a lot more. Every fucking day I have wasted hours and hours edging or just masturbating to porn.

SUMMARY: 44-year-old male with 30 years of intensive and daily porn behind me, including edging, compulsive masturbation, increasingly strange deviations and all the practices that in this forum are classified as toxic and negative. Depressed, suicidal, socially incompetent and with erectile dysfunction with real women. A lost case with my dopamine receptors burned and crushed by three decades of constant porn.

SYMPTOMS BEFORE THE RESET:

* Social insecurity, inability to make friends, lack of interest in making contact or simply talking with other people. Stage panic, to the point of ruining my career as a scientist.

* Disinterest in real sex, panic of failing in bed with a woman. Sex is stressful for me, more like passing a test rather than the pleasurable experience it is supposed to be.

* Tiredness, lack of energy, and total lack of motivation to do anything (apart from watching porn, of course). Even the basics (like cleaning up, or even making my breakfast) require huge amounts of willpower to get done.

* Depression. Life is gray, sad, empty and meaningless. I have become an atheist (which curiously I see as a positive). In recent years, the only thing that made me smile was the idea of throwing myself on the train tracks when I returned each day from work. For me, life is nothing but a sentence to be served.

* Fed up even with porn. Right from the beginning, thirty years ago, I started with deviant porn, to the point of being unable to get turned on by normal sex. But the tastes of my later years pass the line of the sick. To this day, masturbation is not as pleasant as it used to be. Even so, I have suffered from "compulsive masturbation", masturbating at work or even while driving!

* Erectile dysfunction. My first attempt at sex (and my first kiss) was with a prostitute at 21 years old. I was so terrified that I failed miserably. Since then, performance with women has always been variable. When I had sex, I have never been able to get turned on with my partner, and I had to imagine porn fantasies to be able to fulfill in bed.

RESET. BENEFITS, OBSTACLES AND PROBLEMS OBSERVED.

The first week has been hell, with constant temptations to go back to porn, anxiety, depression, and brain fog.

The second week has also been very hard, with greater depression if possible, until on the 11th I reached the flat line. From there, everything has been much easier, to the point that it has taken almost no effort to keep going, especially the last few weeks.

Here I should note that the reboot was not as optimal as I would like, due to the following problems:

* Sport: From the first day I joined a gym, to take advantage of my free time, and with great effort I managed to go every day. From the second week, all gyms were closed due to anti-coronavirus measures. Sport in discarded. I cannot report any effect here for this reason.

* Social life: I am Spanish, but I live in Germany for work reasons. Because of the language, the mentality of the people and my own introverted nature, I have no friends, acquaintances, or social contacts. I tried to meet new people, but because of the anti-coronavirus measures, everything is closed. Social life is discarded.

* Rewiring / Relationship with the opposite sex: I live in a matrimonial prison where sex is non-existent. For personal reasons, under no circumstances would I try to rewire with my wife, and due to anti-coronavirus measures, contact with other women is impossible. Rewiring is discarded.

Considering the antecedents and the obstacles exposed, I didn't really expect any real effect ... but I also had nothing to lose by trying. Still, in just two months I have already noticed the following benefits:

* Increased mood. From the 30th onwards, my mood has become "normal", which compared to the usual "suicidal bitter depressive" just a month before, is already a big step forward. Suicidal thoughts have disappeared in this second month.

* Decrease in social anxiety: In the last month I have noticed less fear of talking to people. Sometimes I even wanted to chat a bit with other people, which has never happened to me. I have also noticed a greater tendency to confront people when conflict has arisen, rather than shy away from problems as I have done so far. This is a subtle change, I have not got super powers or anything like that.

* Energy: The last month I have noticed an increase in energy. I leave my job still with energy, when it is normal for me to leave exhausted. Even on my days off I used to be exhausted, unlike this last month.

* Libido: I'm still not attracted to women without involving porn fantasies. I guess it's too early, I'm too burned out, and I also don't have any contact with women. Even so, the wet dreams have appeared again, and the tone of the fantasies has dropped quite a bit.

RELAPSE.

The relapse has come on the 60th day. After a month of confinement due to coronavirus, I found out that the measures are going to continue for another month. The idea of being locked up with my wife and my son for another suffocating and endless month, with no gym, no contact with other people, no bars, no restaurants, no cinemas, no friends, no beers (which mostly happened to me, due to the language barrier)... Well, I just fell apart. Porn is one of the few things that gave me pleasure in life, and as other users have written in this forum, it is like a curtain that stuns you, and that hides the absolute emptiness that is your existance.

In just two days of relapse, the suicidal thoughts and depression have returned. Life is empty and meaningless. I am exhausted again as soon as I get up and the desire to talk to anyone has disappeared, in addition to arguing even more with my wife.

I am writing this so people will think twice before making the same mistake as me. It took me two months to get all those benefits... and only two days to lose them.


ANNEX: VIAGRA AND SIMILAR.

One point that I think is interesting is that I have repeatedly tried Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. Usually they have not worked, and I have not achieved erections (or any attraction) with my physical partner, BUT, when I return home and put myself in front of the computer, the same pills that failed half an hour before have produced erections of hours, to the point to be painful. And without taking any additional doses.

My experience is that these drugs artificially maintain erections, but do not help to achieve them. They do not work on libido, and without interest in your partner, there are no erections, and therefore they do nothing.

On the other hand, I have seen the side effects. Due to panic of failing in bed, sometimes I have taken so much that my lips have darkened, and if I get an erection, orgasm is almost impossible. Personally, I do not recommend them, at least until the initial problem has been solved: that of being attracted to real women, and not with pixels on a screen.


To finish, I apologize for the length of the post. I think people should see that there are not only success stories in this forum, and that it is normal to fall from time to time. But above all I want people to see that even in extreme and hopeless cases like mine, in just a couple of months positive effects have already appeared. That there is a light at the end of the road, however hard it may be, and that if someone like me has started to recover, anyone can.

Thanks to all the participants in this forum, for the help they are offering to people like me.

This is a great post and a lot of things ring true.

The chaser effect can be devastating. The "just one time and i won't do it again" never happens. It snowballs into a full blown relapse unfortunately. I was on the receiving end of it a couple of weeks ago.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Very brave and resilent to come back, Strecker!

You can do this, and we're here to help.

A side note: I think how we frame lapses or slips can either encourage or prevent a full blown relapse. There is what is called the Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE), you can read about it Here.

Always remember your greater goal, and that you're even trying at all. You have to be your own best friend, and not judge yourself (even if others did) when you lapse, and pick yourself up immediately afterwards.

You can and always should learn from a lapse, and change your plan accordingly. Identify whatever outer habits that may be working against you. And always check your determination. But this isn't all will power, as we all know. It's fundamentally a matter of habit-change. Change your habits, and you change your life. Doing the same old things repeatedly and expecting change is a form of insanity.

I've lapsed, and afterward found it extremely difficult to pick up and try again. But at other times, I've been able to get 'dead-dog' serious with myself, and bounce back with a greater intensity of focus. One of the secrets to bouncing back is to never blame 'triggers' or outside forces, circumstances, etc.. Always see that it was all from within yourself, your choice in the moment, that led to a relapse. This gives you a greater sense of empowerment that you are, after all, in control.

 

Strecker

Member
Well, I haven't post anything here for a long time. Today is for me the 40th day of my new streak without porn. After going through the well-known previous states again (deep depression followed by a week of irritability), I finally notice slight improvements again, and my mood has been quite positive for the last week.

This second reboot has been easier than the previous one, despite having the same factors against (gyms closed due to the coronavirus, total absence of social contact due to the coronavirus, impossibility of rewiring with real women due to the coronavirus). I am currently going through a much deeper flat line than the first time, with a total absence of thoughts related to sex (only 3 months ago I was CONSTANTLY thinking about sex/pornography) or any attraction towards the opposite sex.

This is partly an advantage, because the last days I had a complete absence of urges, and I do not feel the need to watch porn on the internet. But on the other hand, I feel that something is missing, and I find myself empty inside, with the feeling that I am missing something important in life. I think that now the greatest danger are not the urges, but what is known as the "Void relapse", that is to say, returning to the old habits due to boredom and the lack of meaning that a life without sex has (which was the reason for my last relapse).

PD: Thanks to Phineas 808 for your post on Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE), I found it very interesting  :D.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Your welcome, Strecker...! It really gave me perspective back in the day...

By the way, I reread your opening post, and (I'm surprised I didn't say before?), but I found an affinity in your story. In particular, the 'mother wounding' that you endured. My mother's abuse was primarily emotional with neglect, but occasionally physically abusive as well. I took note when you mentioned the 'shouting'- I can totally relate. Also, the bullying from classmates also was something that made me suicidal in the 7th grade...

While my own approach is primarily about simple habit change, I do acknowledge in myself the deep emotional component that often drives my urges... Having lacked emotional nurturing, and enduring abuse instead (you can read a little of my own story on my page 1), it seemed that illicit women (prostitues or porn) were always 'there' for me as a kind of savior...

Good luck and much strength in your journey, as I will follow it with interest. Congrats also on 40+ days free!

 

Cosmo

Active Member
Awesome report, Strecker. Congrats on 40 days free. I know with all the COVID restrictions, life certainly seems boring and void of meaning at times, but try not to lose your perspective. You're rebooting from PA, which is a very difficult and meaningful endeavor in its own right. Wishing you well, friend!
 

edgedanc3r

New Member
Every time you relapse, its just practice for when you're done with it for good.

This is the first time I'm taking quitting really seriously. I never faced it down as an addiction until now.
I've tried to "quit" dozens of times before I discovered YBOP and Reboot Nation. This for me is what I am considering my first real attempt to quit for good. I don't think I've gone more than 2 - 3 weeks since my I started in my teens.

Your description of this attempt under these circumstances seems pretty awesome to me!
I'm on day 6 and I hope I can make it as far as you did!
60 days is an impressive run!
I am going to consider it as inspiration to do as well as you did this time.

Don't give up bro!  I will rooting for you to make it even further this time!

Feel free to PM me any time as your story has many similarities to mine.
I also speak a little Spanish if that could ever be helpful.

-Edge
 
Hey buddy. You got a dose of what 60 days of sobriety feels like,  do it again. Sounds like you were pretty pleased with how you felt. Do it again,  last I checked there was absolutely nothing holding you back. And when you reach your next 60 days, remember how shitty you felt going back to porn.  Stay strong.  Porn is no longer an option.
 

Strecker

Member
Back to 0. Report of a defeat.

A couple of days ago I reset the counter to 0, of my own free will. After a new reboot, much less clean than the first time, I finally reached day 55, with some (too many perhaps) moments on the verge of relapse.

A few days ago I thought I was ready to do a "test". I read somewhere that a flat line can last a long time if there is no external stimulus, and that therefore the process of "rewiring" with the opposite sex is so important. So I took some courage (and some Taladafil, in case courage alone wasn't enough) and tried having sex with a real woman, rather than with pixels on a screen.

The result has been a failure. Despite the Taladafil, and even despite the beauty of the girl, I only achieved an erection of about 60%, which disappeared after a few minutes. After the defeat, I have tried to analyze the event in a cold and rational way.

On the positive side, the ?performance anxiety?, despite being there, has been much lower than I expected, which may be a result of the confidence gained during all this time without porn. I was just relaxed, maybe a little nervous, instead of feeling like a terrified mouse, which was my usual state in previous attempts long before NO-FAP.

After the disaster, a few hours later I tried to stimulate myself with pornography at home (and that is why I have returned to 0 of my own free will). In front of the computer I achieved a fast erection, hard as a stone. This indicates that the Taladafil works. Two days later, I was still having hard erections, so physical problem is discarded. Everything works fine down there.

The problem is clearly psychological. Throughout my life, I have only been able to get turned on by using fantasy or porn. Although it sounds sad, during the "test" I realised that I was subconsciously trying to get hard using some fantasy stored in my brain, while a real girl was interfering with the process. And it's hard to say, but I think after so long my brain just doesn't know any other way to get turned on. I am not attracted to real women, but to fantasy or porn. To be more direct, I could easily get turned on by watching a video of a porn actress, but I would fail if I were in bed with that same porn actress. Paradoxical, or not?

So I start from 0 again, but with a different approach. It's not just about eliminating porn on the computer, but about eliminating it from my head, and stopping fantasizing (which I think is going to be almost impossible) until my brain is attracted to real women. No porn, no masturbation... and no fantasies while in a matrimonial prison amid severe confinement due to the coronavirus. It's going to be close to impossible, being realistic.

Anyway, the report ends here. I do not know if anyone can learn anything from my mistakes, and the truth is that, although it is comprehensible, I am somewhat discouraged, and tempted to forget all this and go back to sit in front of a porn website. If anyone has been through something similar, and has any advice after reading this, I would be very grateful.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Sorry to hear about this. In fact, this is my biggest fear. What if I can't reset my brain. I'm 53. Been masturbating to porn my whole entire life. Is a reboot really possible? I have the same performance anxiety and I don't know how to get past that, especially with the declining ability to perform over the last 10 years or more. I start to think the same thing as you. If I can't have sex, I might as well just watch porn and masturbate. At least then I get to feel something.

So, I'm just starting again. It's been a few years since I have tried quitting. I really am tired of feeling this way and I hope you get a few replies from someone who has been in this same boat and has figured some things out!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
So I start from 0 again, but with a different approach. It's not just about eliminating porn on the computer, but about eliminating it from my head, and stopping fantasizing (which I think is going to be almost impossible) until my brain is attracted to real women. No porn, no masturbation...

...If anyone has been through something similar, and has any advice after reading this, I would be very grateful.

Hi Strecker, forgive the late reply...

If this is applicable, while I don't suffer from PIED, I think that Porn use has caused me performance anxiety at times, and I'll resort to either a p-sub, or fantasy (or porn memory) in my head to ensure that I stay erect. Undoubtedly in the past, this has caused me to lapse a time or two...

The challenge for me, and I think I was more or less successful with it last night, is that I'll challenge myself to just be in the moment. When we're 'doing it' I'll just focus on her (in a dark room), the touch, the sounds, the smells, etc... I try to take in the 'real-world' sex as much as possible without running to my head.

Admittedly this is still a challenge for me, as occasionally, I'll rely on a memory or fantasy... So, maybe it comes down to trusting ourselves, trusting the moment, that it will be enough?

Be well.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Back to 0. Report of a defeat.

The problem is clearly psychological. Throughout my life, I have only been able to get turned on by using fantasy or porn. Although it sounds sad, during the "test" I realised that I was subconsciously trying to get hard using some fantasy stored in my brain, while a real girl was interfering with the process. And it's hard to say, but I think after so long my brain just doesn't know any other way to get turned on. I am not attracted to real women, but to fantasy or porn. To be more direct, I could easily get turned on by watching a video of a porn actress, but I would fail if I were in bed with that same porn actress. Paradoxical, or not?

So I start from 0 again, but with a different approach. It's not just about eliminating porn on the computer, but about eliminating it from my head, and stopping fantasizing (which I think is going to be almost impossible) until my brain is attracted to real women. No porn, no masturbation... and no fantasies while in a matrimonial prison amid severe confinement due to the coronavirus. It's going to be close to impossible, being realistic.

Anyway, the report ends here. I do not know if anyone can learn anything from my mistakes, and the truth is that, although it is comprehensible, I am somewhat discouraged, and tempted to forget all this and go back to sit in front of a porn website. If anyone has been through something similar, and has any advice after reading this, I would be very grateful.
I can identify with your challenge, having found it easier to stop viewing porn than to stop fantasising. Continuing with fantasy inevitably looped me back to watching porn though. I've been on here for 7-8 years, I think. This is my 4th proper attempt at healing. For the last 8 months I've been able to stop the fantasy. Over the years I thought that might not be possible, because fantasy was my "safe place" whenever I felt overwhelmed, anxious, bored, afraid or pretty much any emotion I didn't want. I think taming your brain can just take a lot longer than a forum with a 90-day focus would suggest. The Richard Carlson book, Stop Thinking, Start Living, helped me, more than anything else that I've studied, to stay in the here and now. I've viewed porn once in the last 11 months and, although my libido is pretty much zero and I have a bunch of other problems, ED isn't one of them. The book is pretty badly written but I found it helpful. Hope this reply gives you some encouragement.
 
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