Starting a new diary

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
This next week is my last week of work before I have three months off. I have asked for this time off from my job to sort out this problem. I am also terrified of relapsing over and over again in the first week. The porn part of my brain will rationalise it like so: "You have three months off - why not enjoy it by binging? You then have 3 months to recover!" Which is ridiculous logic but hey, who said this addiction was logical.
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Spot on man.  My brain did the same thing when I was home over Christmas with my parents.  I was off for two weeks so I let myself enjoy until I went back home and to work.  Just made that first week back home (and alone) worse.  Good you are prepared for it.  Seeing it coming makes it so much less powerful.  You're in good shape.

That said, I might suggest over-planning for that first week.  Plan multiple things each day (plan more than you can do), that way you have backups.  And don't feel bad if you can't complete some of the things you have, just have them there so you have something to occupy the time.

You're doing good man, looking forward to hearing how this goes for you!
 

SebUK

Active Member
Aussie_85 said:
Hey mate,

From first-hand experience don't isolate/hermit it. It's literally the opposite of what humans need, we need stimulation, interaction. I'm a bit introverted in that i don't really like people or socializing, could be due to long term addiction not sure yet - but I do know just getting out of the house is essential. You work, that's getting out of the house. Walk daily, I've got a dog - a golden retriever who is my best mate - i have to walk him daily (rain hail or shine) or he gets sooky and I feel like a shit owner. Avoid the beach, women these days with the beach attire might just be to triggering for you at this stage.

I understand your triggers, it's rational - see a hot woman - want sex.

Look at it this way - see a hot chick - think "i know this is how i usually get triggered but every time i relapse it's pushing me further and further away from the reality of actually having a chick like that to not only have sex with, but be close to and have a relationship with so I'm not so fucking lonely anymore - porn is the opposite of where I want to go."

Something along those lines so that you view porn and relapsing with hatred.
Yeah I really find people stressful but part of that is down to the anxiety created by the porn. Ironically I originally started using porn as a way to 'self-sooth' after going out and having a crappy time socially. And now the porn itself has made it harder to go out and socialise. Vicious cycle.

Agree getting out of the house is essential.

The other thing you wrote in another thread is about saying stuff out loud. I think that's important too. I reckon it helps make that point of view stronger than the internal voices trying to get you to do the wrong thing.
 

SebUK

Active Member
Phineas 808 said:
Welcome back, SebNZ!

Sorry about your previous journal, and your current struggles...

I like what you said about hope, and your hope is more concrete because you have three months of progress to prove that you can and will do this thing!

Walking with you.
Cheers mate!

Yeah I do have 3 months but it seems like a long time ago now, even though it was only a few weeks! Bizarre how time works. I can't help feeling it is a bit pathetic that three months is a big achievement too :( Bah! Those are dumb negative thoughts.
 

SebUK

Active Member
TheHeartacheKid said:
This next week is my last week of work before I have three months off. I have asked for this time off from my job to sort out this problem. I am also terrified of relapsing over and over again in the first week. The porn part of my brain will rationalise it like so: "You have three months off - why not enjoy it by binging? You then have 3 months to recover!" Which is ridiculous logic but hey, who said this addiction was logical.

Spot on man.  My brain did the same thing when I was home over Christmas with my parents.  I was off for two weeks so I let myself enjoy until I went back home and to work.  Just made that first week back home (and alone) worse.  Good you are prepared for it.  Seeing it coming makes it so much less powerful.  You're in good shape.

That said, I might suggest over-planning for that first week.  Plan multiple things each day (plan more than you can do), that way you have backups.  And don't feel bad if you can't complete some of the things you have, just have them there so you have something to occupy the time.

You're doing good man, looking forward to hearing how this goes for you!
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Yep this is a good plan - to have multiple things to do all day. I will start on that tomorrow. If I don't have a structure set up and some things to do, the chance of relapse is way higher.

The big risk here is $$$. My inclination normally is if I don't have money coming in, to stay in and do cheap things. That inevitably means being drawn to porn because it is free, highly exciting and highly arousing. So I need to make sure I don't cheap out and fall into a relapse because of that!
 

SebUK

Active Member
Today was another fairly uneventful day! I got all my tasks done, including a good stint on music production, which was good. I really really need to start doing some more exciting things though. The social anxiety is what is holding me back at the moment, but that is finally starting to fade. So hopefully I can start getting more active and out there in the next few days. Not much else to report. No major urges in terms of porn.

Oh I have put my android phone in a difficult place to reach (the basement in another area of the building), as I find most of my relapses tend to be on that phone (because I know how to disable my antiporn software). So that is helping too.

What else... mood is a bit higher today than the last few days, despite the weather being a bit crappy.

I'm watching a LOT of movies, like at least one a night, even on week nights! I used to only watch movies on Friday or Saturday so this is a big change. Not exactly "getting out there" but at least I really enjoy movies and it's a lot better watching them than watching porn.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Sounds like things are going well at the moment SebNZ. Good job on getting that & phone out of reach, those things are the devil. I should probably check out more movies myself, it seems like a nice, easy activity  a good substitute for P bingeing.

Great going SebNZ, keep it up!
 

SebUK

Active Member
Haha phones are the devil, that much is true! Yeah movies are great. I find even the not so good ones are pretty easy to watch and reasonably entertaining. And they require very little effort so when you're feeling a bit tired they are a good option I reckon.

I also need to start finding some good books!

Public holiday here today, again not much happening in my life. I went to the supermarket to buy some stuff. First time I've been out in a while. Making myself sound like quite the recluse, which is kind of true! Did see two girls wearing not too much but didn't look for fear of being massively triggered.

Tomorrow back to work for three days until my long break. I'm also going out on Saturday night to a club, so I'll have to be careful though. My inclination will be to drink (to reduce anxiety) - the risk is when I come home. Have to be really careful here - I don't want to start the break on a binge. Hopefully by writing these thoughts down, I make it less likely.
 

SebUK

Active Member
What is up ya'll...

My cat is meowing at me as I type this. Meoooooooow. Hungry probably. Hmmm... train of thought diary.

Somewhat anxious today as the urges are coming back pretty strong. I didn't take my medication yesterday so that could be one reason. I took it about an hour ago so will carefully monitor whether the urges go away over the next 12 hours or so. Hopefully they do.

Work was pretty meh. Busy but ... somewhat unsatisfying. I have a feeling all the work I've been doing is not going to go anywhere. I get paid pretty well at my job and the work is relatively straight forward. But it is extremely unsatisfying sometimes. I don't think it's too good for my self-esteem for that reason. So might be time to start thinking about another job or even another career. I can always come back to this but I'm not sure it's good for me right now.

Other than that today was pretty good. Anxiety is definitely noticeably down from a week ago. Mood is stable and slowly increasing. Still very low energy. SSRIs just destroy my energy.

Hope everyone is doing well.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hey man, hopefully your urges go down.  Probably not a coincidence that work wasn't all that great, so you had some anxiety and urges.  It's all connected.  Happened to me the past few days.

I also get the not being satisfied with your job.  I go through bouts of that as well.  But something that helps, is just actually listening to other people tell me how much I'm helping them.  Not so much that I'm doing a good job, just that what I'm doing makes a difference to them, even if it's something as simple as responding to an email.  Not sure if you're afforded such opportunities at your job, but I can't imagine there's no chance you get that feedback at all.  May not necessarily completely satisfy you, but for me, it helps me remember that what I'm doing may not necessarily be what I want to do forever, but today it made some difference to someone else, and that's usually enough for the day.
 

SebUK

Active Member
Hey man, hopefully your urges go down.  Probably not a coincidence that work wasn't all that great, so you had some anxiety and urges.  It's all connected.  Happened to me the past few days.

I also get the not being satisfied with your job.  I go through bouts of that as well.  But something that helps, is just actually listening to other people tell me how much I'm helping them.  Not so much that I'm doing a good job, just that what I'm doing makes a difference to them, even if it's something as simple as responding to an email.  Not sure if you're afforded such opportunities at your job, but I can't imagine there's no chance you get that feedback at all.  May not necessarily completely satisfy you, but for me, it helps me remember that what I'm doing may not necessarily be what I want to do forever, but today it made some difference to someone else, and that's usually enough for the day.
thanks for the support and thoughts mate. Yeah definitely work has something to do with it. I generally don't mind my job but it has been a bit dissatisfying over the last six months or so. It will be interesting to see if the urges go away once my break starts. Then I will know the dissatisfaction and frustration with the job are triggering my relapses.

I like your idea of focusing on the small wins each day. I definitely don't do that enough :) Good advice!

Urges are still there, latent, sitting in the back, watching me it feels like. I don't think they're strong enough to make me relapse at the moment but I definitely don't feel as confident as I did a few months ago when I was on a clean streak and barely even thinking about porn. In fact, I remember (and the diary, had it not been lost, will show) that I had begun to think of porn as disgusting and ridiculous. quite keen to get back to that cycle but doesn't seem like it's available to me at the moment.

FWIW I'm taking Naltrexone and Sertraline as my medication. I really do not want to be taking them but I think they generally help. The Sertraline basically ensures that when I relapse I don't go into epic despair / sadness/ suicidal thoughts. OTOH it kills my energy, especially since I started taking a stronger dose recently to try and boost my mood some more and thereby avoid relapsing. Quite a pain trying to get the balance right and I often think of quitting them altogether. Unfortunately I know what my moods are like when I'm off them - not good at all. And I get angry really easily and dwell on the negative for a long time. The SSRI keeps me from going that low although I feel a bit dull in general. Not ideal... sigh.

the Naltrexone is totally different. I started taking it after reading a medical journal article about a psychiatrist who had started treating his porn addicted patients with it with some success. I told my own psychiatrist and convinced him to let me take it. Initially I had good success but then I started relapsing again. I'm still taking it on and off even though I'm really not sure it's helping. I will try and use this break to scientifically test these drugs out properly.

Ugh what a mess my life is in some ways!

I also realise I am turning 40 this year. F******. I have 'lost' a good chunk of my 20s and 30s to this disease (yeah I'm going to call it that). I put the scare quotes because it was really my choice to look at porn all this time - it isn't something happening to me - I am choosing to keep relapsing. That is important to keep in mind. But having said that, I still think it's a disease too. As per the ybop.com website, I have basically damaged my brain and as a result it is now extremely easy for me to slip into the dark hole.

Hopefully in the future they invent some kind of treatment to seal up the dark hole everyone here is trying to avoid falling into.

Hope everyone is doing well.
 

Aussie_85

Active Member
Hey mate,

Can relate to the SSRI/SNRI's being a struggle. Effexor was the medication that really scared me, withdrawals worse than porn...but only lasted 2 weeks - after tapering. Probably been on about 6 diff meds over the last decade, effexor helped with my anxiety but after about a year started pooping out, doc increased dose - and it didn't agree with me at all.

If you think you need them to help you get through it then take them, listen to the advice of your doctor/shrink - but be aware that they love nothing more than filling out that script - meds have their place for sure.

I feel your pain on thinking about time wasted on porn, but mate - your still young. at least another 20 years of youthful life left both sexually and physically etc before I'll call you an old C***. I'm only 5 years of the big four 0 myself. Use the pain, really harness it and let it push you into your new life.

Fighting with you bro.
 

SebUK

Active Member
Hey mate,

Can relate to the SSRI/SNRI's being a struggle. Effexor was the medication that really scared me, withdrawals worse than porn...but only lasted 2 weeks - after tapering. Probably been on about 6 diff meds over the last decade, effexor helped with my anxiety but after about a year started pooping out, doc increased dose - and it didn't agree with me at all.

If you think you need them to help you get through it then take them, listen to the advice of your doctor/shrink - but be aware that they love nothing more than filling out that script - meds have their place for sure.

I feel your pain on thinking about time wasted on porn, but mate - your still young. at least another 20 years of youthful life left both sexually and physically etc before I'll call you an old C***. I'm only 5 years of the big four 0 myself. Use the pain, really harness it and let it push you into your new life.

Fighting with you bro.
Hmm interesting. I didn't even know about SNRI's, had to google them. Did you find them any better than SSRIs? I'm tempted to ditch the Sertraline if I can find something better. Agree with you on the doctor's being keen to prescribe them though haha... I wonder if they get bonuses the more they prescribe. I'm pretty sure that's the case in the US but not sure if it's the same in other Western countries.

Funny thing happened to me today. I realised I was 38 and not 39! How dumb is that! I've spent the last year thinking I was 39 and since the NY I've been thinking about turning 40. And I'm 38! Idiot! LOL

Tomorrow is my first day of my break. Looking forward to it. I have not had any relapses over the weekend, which I was a bit worried about, so that's fantastic. My mood is quite good as a result and my energy levels are decent (although still sleeping more than normal). I did not go out on Saturday night, which was a bit of a downer. But on the plus side, I avoided drinking and therefore a hangover (and potentially a relapse).

I'm feeling pretty confident now about this reboot. The urges are quite low at the moment. Hopefully stays that way.

Incidentally I watched a terrible movie called Eden Lake, which stars Michael Fassbender. Did not enjoy at all and the ending made me quite angry (which is rare for me when I'm on this medication). I couldn't stop thinking about it and it stopped me from getting to sleep. Interestingly I wrote a negative review of it on reddit and that made me feel better and the thoughts have mostly gone away now. Interesting how writing things down can get them out of your mind.
 

Aussie_85

Active Member
SebNZ said:
Hmm interesting. I didn't even know about SNRI's, had to google them. Did you find them any better than SSRIs? I'm tempted to ditch the Sertraline if I can find something better. Agree with you on the doctor's being keen to prescribe them though haha... I wonder if they get bonuses the more they prescribe. I'm pretty sure that's the case in the US but not sure if it's the same in other Western countries.

Funny thing happened to me today. I realised I was 38 and not 39! How dumb is that! I've spent the last year thinking I was 39 and since the NY I've been thinking about turning 40. And I'm 38! Idiot! LOL

Tomorrow is my first day of my break. Looking forward to it. I have not had any relapses over the weekend, which I was a bit worried about, so that's fantastic. My mood is quite good as a result and my energy levels are decent (although still sleeping more than normal). I did not go out on Saturday night, which was a bit of a downer. But on the plus side, I avoided drinking and therefore a hangover (and potentially a relapse).

I'm feeling pretty confident now about this reboot. The urges are quite low at the moment. Hopefully stays that way.

Incidentally I watched a terrible movie called Eden Lake, which stars Michael Fassbender. Did not enjoy at all and the ending made me quite angry (which is rare for me when I'm on this medication). I couldn't stop thinking about it and it stopped me from getting to sleep. Interestingly I wrote a negative review of it on reddit and that made me feel better and the thoughts have mostly gone away now. Interesting how writing things down can get them out of your mind.

Hey mate,

No not really with the SNRI/SSRI differences - much of the same really.

I'm 90% sure doctors here don't get paid for writing scripts - what I'm almost 100% sure of though, is heaps of GP's are incompetent when it comes to psych meds. The time spent in university studying mental health and the meds that treat it is minimal & basic.

They are taught that if a patient presents with said symptoms - depression, anxiety - offer them these medications ( there's a lot) then counselling services, and book a check-up appointment in one months time. they explain common side effects from medications, that are easily accessible on goggle - however what I found was that they left most of the important shit out with Effexor, man i had a tough time getting on and coming off that medication - google "Effexor Withdrawals" and check out all the people going through absolute hell. That's when I started losing faith in GP's.

A year or so after i was of Effexor, I was struggling with anxiety again - went back (to a different GP) and asked to try a med i read good things about, Luvox (fluvoxamine). The Doctor seemed keen to help, writing up a mental health care plan - asking if i wanted to go see a psychologist to talk about my issues - no thanks I replied - been there done that. "So how does that make you feel, Aussie?, Why don't you try thinking of it this way?" - psychology is a complete waste of time For Me, but i know of many people personally who it has helped - the issue with me though is a chemical imbalance in my brain from addiction - anyway I digress.

The GP then prescribes me Luxov at it's recommended starting dose - and then i ask if there's anything I can take along with it to help the initial side effects, because of the hard time I'd had with Effexor, Sure he said - and then wrote out a prescription for Valium "Yay, Yummy" I thought.

A few days later i became violently ill, couldn't walk because i was so dizzy, lips were tinged blue - turns out you cant take Luvox and Valium together - it interacts with each other and can be in the worst cases, fatal. My GF Googled it after seeing how unwell I was.

I stopped all meds immediately and have never even thought about asking for help from a GP again - in my personal opinion, be careful - sure there are some great GP's out there - get a referral to see a psychiatrist - their job is literally to diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe meds, they don't council.

As i previously said meds have helped me a lot, when i needed them - but not much is actually known about them. For "simple" Depression/ Anxiety, i believe diet, exercise, therapy (works for some and not others) and building up other healthy hobbies and social skills long term is the solution.

This is just my take on the whole psych med thing, I'm not a doctor.

Being one year younger is a mistake I'd like to make mate  ;D 8)

Stay strong and vigilant during your break, stay busy - keep a routine. Even if it's a basic as " go to woolies once a day and buy dinner for the night, walk for 30 mins, watch TV - it's the routine that keeps you sharp bro.

Aussie.
 

SebUK

Active Member
Geez that's a bloody scary story. I pretty much agree with everything you're saying. I'm not super keen on drugs that affect your brain, not least because the people who invented the drugs don't really know why they work, just that they do work (for some people). They are definitely helping me but I'm keen to get off them ASAP. I'm actually stopping Naltrexone and will carefully monitor my urges to see if they start increasing again.

Regarding counselling, yeah again, I think they can give you some good ideas, but I have seen probably 7-8 over the years (including group therapy) and my problem is actually worse than at the beginning. So, in terms of effectiveness, it is not very high. Fortunately most of it was free, otherwise I would be pretty pissed haha.

I also think it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. I really do think I've "broken" my brain in a way.

Incidentally, before I took ecstasy (when I was about 21), my moods were a lot more stable. I had a ceiling and a floor, mood-wise. I never got really sad or depressed or tired, and I never got really happy. After taking E, and experiencing the high, that is when I started getting epic low moods. I'm almost certain that the drug 'broke' the floor and ceiling in my brain. Not sure it was worth it TBH. I had some good nights on E but looking back, I probably wouldn't have taken it if I had known the long-term impact. I can't prove that I'm right on this but I'm pretty sure I am.

Also agree on the structure side of things. I have a to-do list on my computer and phone that I go through each day. So far it's working well. Ticking off each item (no matter how small) gives me a little dopamine buzz and I feel like I'm making progress.
 

SebUK

Active Member
Pretty good day today. Didn't achieve a helluva lot but mind was clear, no urges and I basically just did my routine, which involved a lot of music production/music/DJing stuff!

I watched a good movie: Green Book. It's a nice feel good movie and that was a nice change after all the dark and bleak movies I've been watching!

Weather here is pretty poor. In terms of an Aussie summer, I'd rank it a 5/10! Still a couple of months to go though...

Dah dah dah what else. I've stopped taking Naltrexone a few days ago. So far there has been no change in my urges. Since it is so bloody expensive I'll see how I go without it, just need to be careful and start taking it again if there are any signs of relapse.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Tonight I will watch PREDATOR! (the original, with the legend known as Arnie).
 

Aussie_85

Active Member
Good work man - you seem super positive.

What kind of music do you make/mix? I was really into Hard-Trance/Hardstyle back in the day (10+ years ago) the EDM scene has....changed, and not for the better imo lol.

The weather is so shit either pissing down rain with 100% humidity or 30+ Celsius unbearable heat - i hate summer.

Predator is a classic, i have all of them  8)

 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hey sebnz

Glad to hear your time off is going well.  Sounds like you're spending some good time with yourself and doing more things you like!  Very happy to read your last few journal entries.  Inspiring. 

Green Book and Predator are both on my list!  I don't know how I've never seen Predator considering what a huge Arnold fan I was growing up.

Take care and keep enjoying your time off!  Very happy for you!
 

SebUK

Active Member
Thanks my dudes! Yep I'm feeling pretty positive, much better than a couple of weeks ago. I'll put this down to 1) not having a relapse since then and 2) being on a three month holiday...haha.

Kid: you got to watch Predator! It's classic Arnie. Not his best, but certainly not his worst :) Have you seen Pumping Iron? Also weirdly inspiring in terms of this addiction.

Aussie: I make tech house, progressive, deep house. Still learning and got a long way to go. But I've been DJing for a lot longer, although most of that time has been bedroom DJing :p I have had a few gigs recently though, which were fun. Aiming to get back into it this year. I swear to god I bet I would have made some amazing tunes and played some amazing gigs now if it hadn't been for this addiction. It's been like a massive hand brake on my whole life :( Although again, I've always been choosing to use, I can't avoid taking that responsibility.

Incidentally I just watched a film called Ibiza with Gillian Jacobs 8> (I have the biggest crush on her, she reminds me of a girl I used to like back in 2010 - the cool hipster vibe). Anyway the film is loaded with what I consider 'bad' EDM. I know some people like it and good for them, but I really don't like it. Hard trance is alright - one of my mates used to be into that back in the 2000s. But I'm more into the mellower stuff :)

Today I again didn't do much except music stuff. I woke up way too late though (don't ask) and even though I still managed to do my whole routine, I felt a bit guilty about waking up so late. I think I have a really fucked up body clock compared to most people. I tend to stay awake until 3am and get up at 11ish. I feel that is 'natural' for me and I would probably be quite happy having that pattern for the rest of my life.

A bit of a deeper thought to end this entry. I said above that I have a crush on Gillian Jacobs. If I think about it, this is mostly because of how she looks and also partly because of her personality. But if she looked different, the personality wouldn't carry her on its own, if that makes sense. I feel a bit annoyed at this... I can't relate to romantic comedies at all because of it. In fact, I can't relate to romance at all. It could partly be the SSRIs, but I feel completely dull/numb to 'love'. And I don't even miss it. It is one of the highs that the SSRI's block you from feeling I guess.

I can barely remember feeling that 'in love' feeling, you know the butterflies in the stomach feeling years and years ago. I think the last time I felt that was about 10 years ago. And I vaguely get it if I think about that hipster girl and/or Gillian Jacobs (lol) but again, I don't know her and so I'm just basing that on how she looks. Which is fucked up and makes me feel uber superficial.

What a rambling post. I apologise to anyone who read through it all! Maybe someone will understand what I'm saying.

TL:DR I don't feel sentimental/love type emotions anymore and I don't actually care.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
I have not seen it!  I see it's a pseudo documentary, is this where he likens lifting to orgasming?  One of the greatest bits of an interview I've seen.  I think they replayed it on the Graham Norton show (I so wish I lived in UK sometimes) and got his reaction to it.  I believe he kinda stood by it haha.  Anyway, I'll have to check that out too!

I miss movies, most recent 'new' one I watched was Tenet.  And I'll need to watch it again to fully get it haha.

The love thing I also struggle with.  I have moments where I question if I've ever loved anything/anybody or if I will be able to.  I know it's bullshit because I love my friends and family.  The not loving the women I was with was just indicative of my piss poor decisions and the toxic environments I allowed to be created.

However, while absolutely your lack of interest love/emotion is probably primarily related to the SSRIs, I think addiction plays into it as well.  Addiction has the ability to strip the joy from normal things like that and make us not even desire them anymore (they are work after all).  But, I believe as you work through the addiction, those feelings and interests will come back.  Not sure how that will work with the SSRI, but you may not even need to take those (or as much) when you've conquered this thing.

All of that to say, note how you feel, but don't give it any thought right now.  We're all in limbo.  My friend told me my feelings are important, but not every feeling is noteworthy or discussion worthy.  Which what he means, is a fair amount of our feelings/thoughts in this state of mind are bullshit the addiction is fighting back with.  So, I've no doubt that will return to you in some fashion.  So don't sweat it :).
 
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