Starting a new diary

[SebUK]

Just checking in again. Mood and especially energy are still relatively good thanks to coming off the SSRIs. On the porn...still using. But no epic 5 hour binges At least... I do it before I go to bed to relax and help me get to sleep. This is the really obvious pattern. Or at 5pm when I am tired. I find if I put all the blockers on my phone etc I tend to go for the worst most degrading porn straight away. Whereas if I leave one device unlocked, then, for some reason, I can look at standard porn and get the relapse over more quickly. I have no idea why.

Seeing the psychologist again on Thursday. He has given me some homework to do which mainly involves thinking about why I want to change and what are the pros and cons of doing so.

I'm also doing a lot more exercise (I got an apple watch, which is quite good for encouraging this) and eating more (and enjoying eating more). On the latter, instead of impoverishing myself every day to try and lose body fat (which I think contributes to relapses at the end of the day) I've decided to eat more or less what I want and do more exercise. I'm fairly sure this won't lead to fat loss but I think it will boost my mood levels (from the eating of nice food and doing more exercise).

 

[SebUK]

Hello!

My week is going alright so far. I'm going to see my psychologist tomorrow morning. I've done my homework Looking forward to a helpful session. It's good to be going to a professional - I really couldn't do this on my own anymore.

My actual life is looking a bit healthier now. I'm going out more, doing more exercise and am doing good habits that make me feel happy.

On that point, I've cut gaming out completely. Well almost, I played for about 30 minutes yesterday. Something about it doesn't feel right anymore. One of the things I've realised over the last few months is that I'm really not that happy with my life. The parts I am happy with are to do with escapism: gaming, movies and to some extent music. The real world, including my job, is something I suffer to enable my escapist activities. Oh and of course porn is part of my sexual escapist activities (with a dose of excitement thrown in). My life has evolved (devolved?) into an escapist-centric one basically.

A book I'm reading makes the case that those who seek escapism do so due to low self-esteem (check!); they find the real world painful and frightening and seek to numb themselves from it via whatever means available. This is completely applicable to me.

So gaming is out, or at least greatly moderated. Movies and TV... I'm on the fence with. I've never had an unhealthy relationship with movies and TV as I never tend to binge on them like I do with gaming and porn.

Music stays because again, I never binge on it. It's fun and enjoyable, but it's also work in a way. I don't feel myself escaping from anything really. It's just a pleasurable experience creating music and manipulating it and mixing it when I'm DJing.

Porn is obviously gone. That is the most obvious case of escapism. If I see a beautiful women on the street, I feel resentful and angry, although I'm pretty good at suppressing those feelings super quickly. When I get home, I often relapse. The resentfulness and anger is mixed with despair at not having the skill or confidence to talk to the woman for fear of rejection. This is the fear of the world that the book is referring to.

Problem is, porn is filling a need. If I get rid of it, I will need to get over my fear of rejection. Easier said than done.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Hi SebNZ, catching up on your journal.  I resonate so much with what you said about escapism.  It's so key for me.  It's what P is, it's what gaming is, movies, all of it.  Some level of escape is good.  Games are good like that, but I too have to be careful, lest I play a game for an entire day, like 12 hours straight.  I always hate when I do that, because I lose the whole day, but I also lose a whole day of dread because of reality.  I've gotten better at limiting myself to 2-3 hours, if that.  I applaud you for cutting it out while also trying to cut out P.  Tall order, but good that you are recognizing behavior that has no benefit to you.

The low self esteem, fear of rejection, not being able to talk to women and then using P as that escape to feel better...yep, I have and do all of that.  Viscous cycle.  Almost like seeing an attractive woman makes us resent ourselves more, so then we give into P which causes more distress.  But as you said, P fills a need, certainly fills it for me and acts as a substitute for loneliness.

Hang in there my friend, glad things are going well with the therapist.  Your posts indicate you're getting a good grasp on things, so really all you may have left now is just to execute.  Easier said than done, but based on the success you've already had and the realizations you're making, I have no doubt you'll be successful.  Stay strong.

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

Hi SebNZ, catching up on your journal.  I resonate so much with what you said about escapism.  It's so key for me.  It's what P is, it's what gaming is, movies, all of it.  Some level of escape is good.  Games are good like that, but I too have to be careful, lest I play a game for an entire day, like 12 hours straight.  I always hate when I do that, because I lose the whole day, but I also lose a whole day of dread because of reality.  I've gotten better at limiting myself to 2-3 hours, if that.  I applaud you for cutting it out while also trying to cut out P.  Tall order, but good that you are recognizing behavior that has no benefit to you.

Definitely. I am an escapism slave, I've been since I was 7. And to be honest, I'm tired of living my life like that. I ditched alcohol and now porn is next. Escapism could get out of hand quickly, while you tell yourself: "Not me, I won't do it every day, I am not like them." I did this with alcohol. I said: "It won't be me, not now that I know about it. They became addicted because they were idiots and drank every day, I will only drink once in a while and that's normal." Say this again now after more than 10 years of drinking a lot. Thank God I didn't end up a complete alcoholic but there were circumstances that didn't let me get to this, I would've for sure. And everything for escapism and comfort. Fuckin bullshit. Escapism has eaten too many years from my life. It's taken me too much to realize that escapism/self-medication/coping/comfort, whatever you want to call it, was not healing anything in my life and only adding problems.

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

The low self esteem, fear of rejection, not being able to talk to women and then using P as that escape to feel better...yep, I have and do all of that.  Viscous cycle.  Almost like seeing an attractive woman makes us resent ourselves more, so then we give into P which causes more distress.  But as you said, P fills a need, certainly fills it for me and acts as a substitute for loneliness.

Yes, that's me. The story of my life, man.

 

[happydude619]

Hey there SebNZ,

It's been a while since I caught up on your journal, or posted in it, so thought I'd drop by, so to speak. Reading your post from around a month ago, the below very much resonated with me:

However I had a bit of an epiphany last night while thinking about this in bed. Instead of attacking the problem at the action point, which is kind of the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff approach, maybe I should change my environment and daily structure so I'm not having those thoughts in the first place. I can't change my genetics, but I can change my environment. My environment at the moment has developed in a way that really pushes me towards porn. This is because:
- I live alone
- I'm off work
- I have a decent amount of money
- I have no responsibilities (no GF, children)
- I have friends but they never 'pop in'
- My hobbies are very much focused on the computer or a TV (music production, DJing, gaming, online shopping, movies/TV)
- I have a very structured daily routine that, again, mainly involves the computer with some limited social interaction and outside time.

I have probably developed my life like this for a couple of reasons. 1) I'm quite shy and sensitive so over time I have withdrawn from society, and this has gathered pace as I've gained the ability to do it more and more (e.g. being able to afford to live by myself was only an option since a few years ago). 2) This structure is conducive to porn use.

In fact, I think my porn use thrives on this life structure. Or put another way, porn use helps me MAINTAIN this structure. I'm able to get my sexual and excitement needs met through porn and I can keep doing all of the above things. If I do decide to go out socially, and it doesn't go well, I can come home and satisfy myself with porn. The structure is quite sustainable in an extremely maladaptive way.

This is why using things like Covenant Eyes or will power to white knuckle my way through is never going to work. They are like a pathetic amount of power against all the structural forces I have in place that are maintaining the addiction.

So I have some decisions to make I guess. Continue living within this structure and keep hoping (pretending?) that I'm going to stop looking at porn. Or, start breaking down the structure and replace it with different things. Like, instead of living by myself, move in with a housemate. Or take up a hobby that requires a lot of outside time, like a sport.

Although my 'environment' list is slightly different to yours, it's probably different to the extent that lemons and limes are different, or carrots and parsnips; apologies for a somewhat terrible analogy!! In essence, even though my list is not exactly the same, there are many similarities but more importantly, the outcomes of these environmental situations probably cause very similar outcomes for us both. One of these outcomes being a tendency towards using P, particularly when it's proactive usage. I, too, found that when I'd go out socially, pre-Covid-19 of course, be it for after-work drinks, drinks with friends or a full-blown night out, the consumption of alcohol combined with almost never managing to garner any female attention, even if just minor or in passing, would often result in a feeling of deep melancholy. By the time I returned back to my flat, the Tube journey home had given me more than enough time to focus on my loneliness and let me add another occasion to my mental tracker where all other my friends were being 'hit on' except me. By the time I got in bed, the alcohol-induced 'f*ck it' mindset was usually in full swing and I'd PMO just feel some sort of sense of pleasure and 'intimacy'. Many a sober period was disrupted by a high blood-alcohol level.

Regarding internet P-blockers, in the early days of my recovery - maybe Years 1 or 2 - I installed a P-blocker during a really difficult period, recovery-wise. The problem I experienced was that when the mood took me (re: wanting to consume P), I begin furiously hunting for any website, image or video that the P-blocker wasn't picking-up. I'd sometimes be searching for 30+ minutes, just to find something to 'get off', and would quickly whip myself into a kind if frenzy, desperate to find some P. Not too long after installing the P blocker I needed a new laptop and I made the conscious decision not reinstall the P-blocker, for two reasons.  Firstly, I reflected that the furious hunting and searching for P was probably doing far more damage (in all senses of the word) than if I was able to rapidly access P and then quickly PMO. And secondly, I felt that my recovery would never truly work if I was having to rely on a P-blocker; to recover properly requires total self control rather than a reliance on supplementary measures. In short, I agree with you about P-blockers.

Lastly, regarding the structure of your current situation, I again agree that it's important to consider what may need to be changed, even if reluctantly. The items you mention are relatively big decisions and therefore big changes but don't forget that just small changes can have significant effects. Not to elaborate too much but after a recent PMO event that brought to the end a significant period of sobriety, I implemented what was, by anyone's standards, a very small change. The change was to switch off my tv, at the plug socket, before 10pm EVERY night. This was because for such a long time now I'd tune into those 'babe' call in shows that started at 10pm. I wouldn't call in but would enjoy watching. And once I was watching I would often then start consuming P on my phone. They we both intrinsically linked. Since I've made sure my tv is switched off before 10pm, my avoidance of P and stimulating material has been close to perfect. So yeah, do consider changing things up and maybe moving out of your 'comfort zone' a little but also reflect on changing those less significant, but maybe habitual, 'structures' in your life that may be things that indirectly and / or subtly push you towards P consumption.

Anyway, hope you have been keeping well since your last post and that the healthy habits and routines you were working on are continuing.

hd619

 

[SebUK]

Hi everyone

Long time no post!

Jumping back on here because I'm still struggling (!!) and this has helped me in the past. Writing stuff in a public forum seems to be more effective for me than just writing a private diary. I guess it is a form of accountability.

During the last 1.5 years, like most people, I've been in lockdown. Probably like most of you, this has been a struggle when it has come to this addiction. More time alone, more time to get bored, more time to feel a bit down, all massive triggers for me. On the plus side, less public triggers, but for me that hasn't helped so much over the last 1.5 years.

I still struggle with the type of stuff I look at. It's degrading crap that for some reason I'm drawn to.

I have given up on the idea of trying to work out whether it's innate or something I've conditioned myself. I think it could be both. It's not really the point. The point is to manage this problem for the rest of my life. I can either do a bad job of managing it, which could end very badly for me, psychologically and physically potentially. Or I can do a very good job of managing it, and lead a more or less normal life. Hopefully, the damage I've done to myself with porn alleviates over time. But if it doesn't, that doesn't matter - I still need to manage it.

Not the most optimistic first entry for a while but a truthful one.

It would be great to come back and say wow my life is amazing I don't look at porn anymore and everything has improved. Actually I was feeling pretty good last Thursday before I relapsed on Friday night. So I know I can get back there. It is sad how quickly my mood drops after a relapse, and how long it takes to get back.

It is a strange thing what we do to ourselves with this problem. One thing I've stopped doing is depersonalising the addiction - making it something that is happening to me. That is not true. I am choosing to look at this stuff. I have to take responsibility for that.

Deep breath. Hope everyone is doing okay out there. This forum has an interesting new look!

 

[SebUK]

Daily report in.

Today was a bit shit for the most part, but then marked by a nice thing. Basically felt super anxious all day and generally unhappy. Almost 100% because of my relapse on Friday and Saturday. Unbelievably I almost tripped again on Monday night. Despite everything! Once I've lapsed, it is extremely easy to fall back into multiple relapses across nights. It's not quite "who gives a f***". It's more like "I feel so bad and this will make me feel better, even temporarily". On Monday night I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning. Eventually my mind turned to p and my initial thinking upon thinking about it was to try and work out why I look at it. That quickly slipped into "Have a look at it". Annoying.

The dumb thing is, and I'm sure I've written this somewhere in my journal, is that after a few days or a week off the stuff, I have a lot less of these thoughts. It's like I'm giving myself a reward to feel better because I've gotten out of the pit. This often goes for a few weeks or sometimes even a few months.

I don't think I've gone more than three months in the last fifteen years (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) without porn or relapsing.

Depressingly last night I was reading a very old diary I wrote in (in a word doc) from 2005. Some of the stuff could have been written yesterday. That is so. F*****. Depressing.

Actually that's what I read before I went to bed and almost lapsed again, so I probably shouldn't think about it too much now. It just makes me very nihilistic about ever getting on top of this problem.

Only three months! After 15 years. Anyway...

The GOOD thing that happened was I found a new apartment to live in, which should be way better than the one I'm in. I applied and got accepted within 30 minutes! That is a really good thing and I've barely given myself any credit for it.

In fact, a psycho-hilarious thing happened to me today. After a meeting that I felt went badly for me, I started walking around my house chastising myself. I then realised what I was doing and told myself to be nicer to myself. I then started berating myself for being so nasty to myself. Do you see what I did here? I was berating myself for being nasty to myself! This is some kind of f**** up psycho inception. But also kind of funny.

Anyway that's my essay for today.

Good night all!

 

[SebUK]

Last couple of days have been pretty average. Relapsed again on Wednesday night. Quite a bad one for about 3 hours. Sigh!

Felt so awful that I took the rest of the week off. On Thursday I just played a new computer all game to distract myself. Today I'm feeling marginally better. Fortunately the weather is fairly nice.

At the same time I'm now in the process of moving out. This is a good thing as it will give me something to focus on and help me get out of this current 'relapse cycle'. Anyone else have clusters of binges before getting free? I think that's a fairly common thing with addictions.

Yesterday I had absolutely desire for p or mb. I suspect today will be the same and most likely the rest of the weekend.

Unfortunately, with my binges I think I need to hit rock bottom to then get 'escape velocity' and stop binging. Anyway we will see if that's the case.

Hope everyone is well.

 

[SebUK]

Today has been a better day. I tided up the house, did all my daily tasks (music, meditation, moving house stuff) and most importantly, had no relapses. This is often the case on a Sunday after I've had a relapse on Friday/Saturday. One of the reasons for this is I have to go to work tomorrow. This is a good 'protector' but it's also an accelerator as an annoying/stressful day at work can sometimes be a trigger. Generally work is a barrier to relapsing though.

I say 'go to' work, but I'm actually working from home because of the pandemic. However, I actually have requested (and received) approval to go into work. I haven't been doing this for the last two months (and in fact only made use of it for two weeks), which in retrospect was a bad idea. It was justifiable - there was noone else in the office and it seemed strange for me to go in. But being at home every day alone is just a recipe for disaster.

Had a bit of a cry today - not sure why it started - I was listening to a podcast with Sam Harris and Ricky Gervais and they were talking about crying and how it can feel good, and I remember agreeing. Later on I felt a bit sad and did actually let out a tear or two. It does make you feel better. This is a odd way to put it, but it's like throwing up. When you throw up, you remove the bad stuff/alcohol or whatever it is from your stomach. Your body rewards you by flooding your brain with some kind of chemical (this is actually true). I think crying must work in a similar way but instead of physically removing food/alcohol, you're removing 'bad' emotions. Or just properly expressing them.

I do find it hard to cry though, which is annoying. I think I'd feel a lot better if I did.

 

[SebUK]

This week has been a better one. After starting a book no dopamine, called Dopamine Nation - definitely worth a read, I decided to quit MB at the same time as porn. For the past few weeks of failures I've been trying to MB (to keep the pressure off) while not looking at porn. I think both are linked in my brain, so when I do one, I need to do the other. Probably these parts are linked in my brain, unfortunately. This makes sense to me as when I'm MB or sleeping with someone, I often think of porn. And when I'm looking at porn I'm obviously MBing. So I don't think it's possible for me to just choose one to quit and keep going with the other, they will keep activating each other and I will not make any progress.

Anyway I'm up to eight days so far and I'm feeling better. My anxiety is lower, my confidence is up and my mood is better and improving. Friday nights and Saturday nights (the ones just gone at least) were very hard though. Usually I use MB as a relief, but I haven't done that.

I'm hoping next Friday and Saturday will be easier but I doubt it. I will need to develop some strategies before Friday to ensure I get through.

The book says after 28 days, your brain should recover in *most* people. I don't think, unfortunately, that I am most people. I think I have 'damaged' my brain with excessive extreme porn use and it will take a lot longer.

But I don't know that for sure and I'm keen to try and get to 28 days and see how I feel.

The book also acknowledges (as does the YBOP website) that even once you're feeling better, it is very easy to fall off the wagon because of the way you've changed your brain. The brain pathways are still there and just need to be triggered. And it's very easy to trigger them. This is especially going to be the case in summer :/ And I like the beach...which makes things harder for obvious reasons. I will have to avoid looking, and this is going to be tiring and/or frustrating. But I can't just lock myself in my house for the rest of my life.

Anyway, a good week overall

 

[SebUK]

About 12 days free of porn and no MB either. Anxiety is generally much lower although it spiked SUPER high when I was at the beach the other day. No wonder why - lots of hot female bodies everywhere. At first I enjoyed it and then at the end I started to feel super anxious. Like I was post relapse without having a relapse. A strange feeling. It didn't feel too good though. When I got home I tried to have a cold shower (as apparently it's effective) and managed a tepid one. Still probably helped. I didn't relapse either, which is great!

I have finished the book Dopamine Nation. Thoroughly recommend it. Really insightful in terms of pain/pleasure and how it relates to porn addiction.

One thing that is helping me is that I'm moving out in a few weeks. This gives me a project to focus on. I notice when I'm kind of drifting, I'm much more prone to relapsing. Although it's a vicious cycle - when I relapse I want to drift more.

I'm also staying off the dating apps for this 28 day cycle, and I think that's helping too. Just not having to worry about that shit for now, is a good thing.

The other thing worth mentioning is that I have realised I sit in front of screens way too much of the day. I knew this already really, but I didn't think it was a big deal. But it is. Each screen is basically a way to stimulate yourself. Porn, websites, gaming, TV shows. All aimed at the same thing, hooking you in and keeping the dopamine buzz going. Now obviously physical activities have a dopamine link too. E.g. exercise. But there is something insidious about screens. How we can just sit there and keep clicking and typing away. I don't know. Don't think it's very good for us.

I recall before I got a computer actually. When I was 12. All my life before that was normal. I played sports and did outside stuff and that felt okay. I really liked video games. Maybe I instinctively knew there was a rush to be had from the 'screen'. When I got my first computer at 13, that is actually when I can trace thing started to go downhill. At first it was okay because my mum restricted the time I could be on the computer and it was in the lounge. Then a year later I think I convinced her to allow me to have it in my room. That is when the isolation started. Around that time I started playing Starcraft a lot and isolating myself from others, dropping out of my sports.

It wasn't linear. I became more social again when I was 15/16 (part of the reason I was isolating wasn't the computer, I was an angsty self conscious teenager). And even more social when I left home at 19. I then went out quite a bit between 19-23 before moving home again to go back to uni.

Wow what a long post! I'm a bit tired of writing so will continue this tomorrow. Good to write it all out.

Hope everyone is going well.

 

[SebUK]

15 days no P no MB.

Mood generally okay. Was very good earlier today when I was cycling down near the beach where I live - really nice cycle path that runs all the way down the path and it was a beautiful sunny day. Really good for the mental health!

Also, there were triggers everywhere but they were less enticing than the last time I cycled down near the beach, which is a positive.

My mood is a bit more resilient too. Now that I feel like I'm getting on top of porn/mb, I feel more self-confident. So, if something annoying happens in my life (which it did later on in the afternoon), I'm a bit stronger to handle it. I don't close down and want to sleep and worse, want to relapse, to feel better.

My efforts are being helped hugely by my focus on diet and exercise. This is starting to turn into quite an obsession. I keep turning it around in my head whether it's unhealthy or not. At the moment, I think it's very healthy. It's keeping me busy for a start. Boredom = relapse. Second, it's leading to greater self-confidence. Third, I'm feeling better because my diet is better and exercise is making me feel better.

I was reading one of my old diaries from literally 10 years ago (2011, and specifically October), and weirdly I was also in a 'clean' period where I was very obsessed with exercise and diet. At this time I remember going for 3 months without bad porn. What I had set up was a laptop that only had access to certain porn websites, and nothing that made me feel ill. I also added a few sites I needed for work. This set up enabled me to go for 3 months without 'relapsing'. Although by my standards at the moment, I would have been continuously relapsing.

I bring this up for a few reasons. First, when I read it I was mighty depressed. 10 years later and I'm still struggling with this crap. And it's gotten worse in some ways. Second, at least I'm making progress in that I'm going without p and MB this time. Third, it is clear exercise and diet are a really good outlet for me to focus on something that makes me feel good and which isn't p/mb.

Hopefully I can do better this time.

 

[SebUK]

20 days no P no MB.

So my mood was really good today, helped by the nice weather here at the moment. Fairly busy day at work including a meeting where I needed to participate amongst some senior people which made me quite nervous. Not having looked at p/mb made me a lot more confident, which was good. Afterwards, just a huge feeling of relief. It was like adrenaline building up to that.

Then the rest of the day was fine again. Went and sat out in the sun after work and just felt good.

My baseline anxiety is way down.

Then, on the train home, I was bombarded with a whole lot of girls wearing very tight clothing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My mind went into overdrive, even though I was not paying attention to them/forcing myself not to look. I get home, and it feels like my brain is all mashed up. Hard to concentrate and just no energy / motivation. This is annoying as before that I was feeling fairly energetic. I had dinner and watched a bit of TV and felt the same way. Very frustrated. Not even, like, aroused, just frustrated in a hard to describe way. But it made me feel tired.

So I had a 1.5 hour nap and have just woken up at 9pm. I then drank a tea and am sitting here typing this.

I feel…our environments are really unnatural. They are not suited to who we are as basically, animals with a high sex drive. I feel like I'm walking a narrow path that I can fall off quite easily into the abyss. It doesn't feel that fair to be honest. The standards we have to hold ourselves too. This is dangerous thinking…the kind of thinking that leads me to a relapse. I normally shut these thoughts down - since the last 20 days - and that has worked. Now they are coming out.

The other thing is I'm moving next week. I'm always quite good at managing my relapse before a big life event. I am quite worried I will relapse after I have finished my move, and things have settled. This is a huge trigger for me. I do not want to relapse.

At the same time, I feel very frustrated. Hopefully, in the morning I feel better. Right now, I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode.

These metaphors are also dumb. Many men throughout history and now go for days, weeks, months and YEARS without looking at porn and without MB. I can do that too. It will not KILL me to do so for four weeks, or even a bit longer.

But right now it feels like it will kill me, or hurt me, or make me feel sick. And it is definitely doing the latter!

 

[SebUK]

Hello all! I'm back here again to write in this journal.

Since November 2021, which seems like an age ago, I was doing pretty well until mid February. At that point I started dating again and also stopped my fat loss diet. Both of these things led to a relapse, which has then led to a cycle of relapses, the last of which was yesterday.

So I'm not feeling the greatest. I feel pretty sick actually. I'm currently on holiday and going back to work next Tuesday, which I'm not looking forward to because of the anxiety. The material I'm looking at is nasty and degrading and makes me feel ashamed.

I know my problem is to do with the damage I've done to my brain through looking at porn. And I know the original reason I began looking at porn was because of low self-esteem. This is the core problem I need to fix. But even if I do fix that, I've still damaged my brain and per the YBOP literature, created pathways in my brain that can be very easily triggered when I'm feeling stressed, bored, lonely, tired, you name it. This sucks. Even after four and a half months porn free, I still was vulnerable and as I mentioned above in mid-February I relapsed due to some stress during the week (a work presentation) and a date that went okay but ended up where the girl was not interested. Due to these two things I relapsed. And then I've been relapsing ever since!

My psychologist focuses on the self-esteem issue. He says I always don't feel good enough and that is what drives me towards porn. I think this is accurate in some cases, like the above relapse. But it's not the case all the time. Sometimes I relapse even when I'm feeling okay. I might just be feeling a bit bored or tired and again this is where the YBOP literature is so spot on. Where it talks about your brain being desensitised to things that I'd normally enjoy - that is 100% true. That is the main cause of my relapse yesterday, I think. I had done some things on the computer and gone to the gym. I was sitting on the couch and just felt… meh. I could have done any number of things: gone out for a walk, listened to music, watched some TV, played video games, messaged friends to go out for a coffee, but what my thoughts were: "I am so tired and bored. Let's run an experiment. Let's open some porn on my phone and see if it wakes me up. That will test the theory about my brain being desensitised." I then did this and ended up relapsing/edging for three hours. Nice trick, brain.

My main source of relapsing at the moment is my smart phone. I'm replacing it with a dumb phone and in fact am going to the shops shortly to buy a dumb phone. But even then, I have a computer in the house. That will be the single point of failure. I also have a lockbox I have used in the past to store my smart phone when I've been at risk of relapse. This has worked several times but the problem with it is I only have a small window of time to put the phone in the lockbox before I relapse. At least with the computer, it takes longer to break through. I would need to uninstall CE and that is embarrassing as I have a good accountability partner who would ask about it. But with the smart phone, I can just wipe it, or delete CE, and relapse. Basically, the lockbox/smart phone approach doesn't work 100% of the time. I need an approach that works 100% of the time.

So I will get rid of the smart phone (leave it at work) and switch to a dumb phone. Then on my home computer, I will have to be ready to put my internet access in a lockbox (the router?) when I feel a relapse coming on. I can feel it coming on because my identity starts switching and I feel like I'm becoming someone else. This is the guy who likes porn and thinks it's fine and wants me to learn how to live with it. As soon as I've PMO'd, that guy disappears and the normal 'me' returns. It's really fucking weird TBH. Right now for example 'the other guy' is almost silent (because of relapse yesterday he's had his fun). But he will come back in the next few days and that's when I need to be ready.

I need to break this cycle as I'm really unhappy and somewhat suicidal. I feel okay today but in the last couple of weeks I've come closer than ever to ending things. This is a rational choice for me. The shame of what I've done…it would be better to end things than be found out.

But I feel somewhat optimistic after reading the YBOP stuff. I know I just have to fight through the withdrawal symptoms over the next two weeks or so. That will not be fun, but I can do it. I've done it in the past and I can do it again. It will be easier if the smart phone is gone too.

 

[particularly_respecting]

Hope you're feeling better brother - I believe in you and I think you have the drive to change your behavior

Dumb phone is a great idea
Unfortunately it's not really possible for me because I need certain apps for work, but I like the idea
Did you get one in the end? I am interested to hear how useful it is for you
And yes agree that it's tough to fight relapses in the moment (see my recent journal entry ) but it sounds like you are really thinking about your defenses and I like that

Stay strong brother - you got this!

 

[Orbiter]

Welcome back SebUK,

Sorry to hear of your recent difficulties. With that said, with your renewed focus & support, i'm sure you can turn this around!

While the dumb phone is definitely a good idea, I would be cautious of relying on it as anything more than a 'supplementary' measure. After all, anything with the internet can be used to PMO and once the addict mind has made the decision, this is long past inevitable.

It seems looking back on your post that rejection was the primary 'trigger' in this case right?

Though it's probably not realistically possible to entirely eliminate, perhaps it might be best for the first two or so weeks to minimise exposing yourself to situations where you feel rejected?

Where would be the 'danger' situations or instances you feel this? Dating? social media? Overly avoidant, dismissive or critical friends? Work? Family members?

Obviously this is something that will need to be addressed sooner or later but, in the short term, perhaps taking steps to consciously minimise this is something to consider?

Wishing you well,

Orbiter

 

[SebUK]

Hope you're feeling better brother - I believe in you and I think you have the drive to change your behavior

Dumb phone is a great idea
Unfortunately it's not really possible for me because I need certain apps for work, but I like the idea
Did you get one in the end? I am interested to hear how useful it is for you
And yes agree that it's tough to fight relapses in the moment (see my recent journal entry ) but it sounds like you are really thinking about your defenses and I like that

Stay strong brother - you got this!

Hey man! How are you?

Yeah I did buy a dumb phone but I haven't set it up yet as I need the SIM which is still in the post. As I expected, I'm having second thoughts too, for the reasons you mentioned. Modern life is a bit annoying without a smart phone. I'm trying to use my smart phone as little as possible and get used to that. For example, I log all the food I eat for diet reasons. Normally I use my smart phone but I've started using my desktop instead. I've also started using my desktop for podcasts too. I've also ordered a mp3 player so I don't need the smart phone for music. I actually don't use my smart phone as much as most people. The problem is when I use it for porn/edging for hours. It's super easy to quickly wipe the OS on a smart phone or just delete accountability apps.

Anyway, as well as reducing my usage, I put it in the lockbox from 6pm to 6am. So there is no temptation during the twilight hours to use it.

I'm not certain this will work to be honest. I may be tricking myself again into thinking I can control it. It only takes a few minutes before the other 'me' takes over and suddenly I'm lying on my bed edging to porn.

I will take a look at your journal!

 

[SebUK]

Welcome back SebUK,

Sorry to hear of your recent difficulties. With that said, with your renewed focus & support, i'm sure you can turn this around!

While the dumb phone is definitely a good idea, I would be cautious of relying on it as anything more than a 'supplementary' measure. After all, anything with the internet can be used to PMO and once the addict mind has made the decision, this is long past inevitable.

It seems looking back on your post that rejection was the primary 'trigger' in this case right?

Though it's probably not realistically possible to entirely eliminate, perhaps it might be best for the first two or so weeks to minimise exposing yourself to situations where you feel rejected?

Where would be the 'danger' situations or instances you feel this? Dating? social media? Overly avoidant, dismissive or critical friends? Work? Family members?

Obviously this is something that will need to be addressed sooner or later but, in the short term, perhaps taking steps to consciously minimise this is something to consider?

Wishing you well,

Orbiter

Hi mate!

Rejection is definitely a huge trigger for me. All the things you noted are the situations where I feel rejected, especially dating.

Accordingly I'm off online dating for a while, maybe permanently. When I go out and about, I avoid looking at pretty girls, which is also a huge trigger. In fact, I avoid making eye contact with everyone when I'm walking around. (I do make eye contact when I'm talking to someone though ). This is an anti-social thing to do but it is helping me to not build up this rejection feeling.

Work is another trigger. I don't like my job and I don't feel very good at it. I'm going to spend some time today trying to find a new job or work out a way to change my role.

Hope you're going well!

 

[SebUK]

Today I'm feeling okay. I almost had a relapse last night. It was 8pm and I had been at work all day. It was my first day back in two weeks (one week holiday, and most of one week off sick due to this problem). It was good to be back and everyone was kind. But after work I was tired. I watched TV for two hours from 6 to 8 pm and then had nothing else to do. I've uninstalled all my games so there is no distractions there. The idea is to force myself to do something other than look at a screen. Unfortunately and as I expected, my mind was drawn to porn. I'm sitting there thinking "So I've done my job, I've eaten, I've watched all the TV I wanted to, and now I have two hours left before bed time. And there is nothing as appealing as porn." Fortunately I had locked my smart phone away. And I was too tired to try and break the accountability on my desktop. This is when my tiredness works for me. I want a quick fix (porn) but if it's not quick and easy, I can't be bothered. So I ended up eating some junk food to try and distract myself, and watching more TV.

This is not ideal. But it is better than looking at porn. I'm hoping my energy increases a bit over the next few days so I can do something more at the end of the day.

A bit worried.