So this is my start of rebooting.

scott.84

Member
Day 15

* Completed two weeks without PMO.
* Completed a whole month without orgasm.

I can't believe I did this. I'm proud and kinda sad at the same time. Still thinking about porn sometimes. Missing it. Thinking about some of the actors I liked. As if they were some kind of friends I used to know. Scenes and pictures come to my head. I'm glad I could withstand. Feeling like I have much more time now. But also feeling sometimes lonely and bored. Questioning my instincts, too. Like "Shouldn't I be much more horny after such a long time without masturbating? Without orgasm?" and temptations like "Wouldn't it be great to watch porn now? After two weeks of abstinence it might blow my mind!".
I know I have to be strong. I know I can do it. I know it won't be easy. I have to face the loneliness and the emptiness that periodically comes over me. Porn does not fix that. It just covers it up. It's good to write this to my journal to remind me of this.
 
Great job man! I'm right there with you! I guess I'm in a flatline. I do find myself missing porn and thinking about all the models I would chat with jerk to. We have to remember, as you said, that it doesn't fix our problems and just covers them up. It's holding us up from being truly happy! When we aren't able to perform with our partners, and I'm married, then it's just a horrible feeling. I have come out of a flatline before but then relapsed so I know there's light at the end of the tunnel. It's just hard to see the light when in a flatline, unfortunately.
 

scott.84

Member
Thanks guys for your support. Appreciate it :)

Today was worse than yesterday. I'm definitely in a flatline right now. Not feeling very motivated, low libido. Thoughts of going back to porn occasionally. Not because I feel aroused, but because I want to feel something. Although I'm feeling bad I was able to fight these thoughts off by reminding me of how bad I would feel afterwards if I returned to watching porn. Somehow still feeling bad. But I know this will pass. I hope so. I guess I'll go to bed early today because sleeping might just be the right thing to do in this mood.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Scott, from previous experience, I see the flatline as a friend. You should see it as one too. Think about it, which do you rather prefer. Days where you have no urges in the flatline or days where the urge to PMO is uncontrollable?
 

scott.84

Member
Day 22

Just a short update on my reboot, since there haven't been any mentionable events in the past few days: I Completed three weeks yesterday. It's good to stay away from porn. I'm glad I made that decision, although I'm missing it sometimes. There have been a few occasions where I started touching my dick just to see if it's still working. I know it's dangerous, since it could easily lead to a relapse, but fortunately I could stop every time it was hard. Since it was easy to get hard, I guess I'm on the right way. I'm really looking forward to having an orgasm again... Haven't had one since the beginning of this year  :-\

@ak
You're right. I really appreciate not having a too hard time. Sometimes I worry something is wrong because I read so much about relapses and urges here... But maybe I'm worrying about nothing or they are still lying ahead...

Anyways, I'll keep going for 90 days without PMO.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
scott.84 said:
@ak
You're right. I really appreciate not having a too hard time. Sometimes I worry something is wrong because I read so much about relapses and urges here... But maybe I'm worrying about nothing or they are still lying ahead...

Anyways, I'll keep going for 90 days without PMO.
Congratulations on the three weeks. I think if it's 22 days and you're feeling good, that's fantastic and there's nothing to worry about. Remember an individuals experience of urges can significantly differ depending on their mindset, emotional ties to their addiction, mental & physical health, personality, cognitive dissonance i.e the habit runs contrary to their identity & beliefs, severity of addiction/escalation amongst many of other things.

I would say be mindful that, if if you feel you have it under control, the erection testing is still a risk. Other than that, keep up the good work!
 

scott.84

Member
Day 27

Last night was demanding. I woke up with a boner and was extremely horny. I couldn't stop myself from playing around with it. Even the slightest touches were very stimulating. It was so hard and it kept that way all the time. This is exactly why I'm rebooting. This is what I'd like to have when I'm having sex with another guy. I felt so potent and proud and I really enjoyed playing around with it and did it several times for several minutes. So I was masturbating last night. I didn't watch porn, though I remembered stuff I'd use to watch in my mind. And I didn't orgasm. I'm glad I didn't. This would most certainly have made things even worse. As I couldn't sleep because of my state of mind, I tried lying on my back with my hands on top of the blanket (what a clich?), thinking about my life and stuff, moving my thoughts away from my urges until I finally fell asleep. There was some deep thinking going on which I really liked. I'm looking forward to go running again. I have more energy now, I noticed that I wake up earlier in the morning and I'm much more vivid. So I need to use that energy that I don't start falling back into old habits.

But I masturbated. There was no P, there was no O, but there was M. And I made a promise to myself not to PMO for 90 days. I don't want to be too hard on myself since I've already made good progress. But I really need to take measures to prevent me from doing this again as I want a proper reboot. And I have already been very lenient towards me as regards erection testing and stuff.

So I won't reset my counter to zero, but I will add another 15 days to my goal. I think that's kinda fair. And I will do that every time when I'm playing around with myself uncontrollably. I think this is quite fair. I don't lose my streak, but I push my goal a litter further away. And of course, if i ever P or O I will definitely set my counter to zero and start over.

What do you think? Do you consider this a relapse? I was thinking about that all day until I came up with that solution of adding 15 days for me.

Cheers, scott
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Hey Scott, that's great progress. In a situation somewhat similar to yours I reset my counter. However, I feel that I didn't lose a lot of progress because I also only masturbated to touch. I was recommended to subtract a few days from my counter, but I decided to reset it to 0 anyways. The days don't matter if I am making progress. But if days really matter to you then yes, add another 20 days to your target.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Idk, hard to say that counts as a relapse for me.  I don't believe there are many humans who do not M.  Especially single ones.  You did something nearly every man does I'm sure.  Only difference is we're addicts, so we have to be more careful.  M is pretty normal though, some might even call it healthy.  Just not in the way we do it.  if you weren't in recovery, you wouldn't think anything of this.

So you have to do what is right for you, but no P involved, sounds like no relapse.  If it helps to add days, do it, but that could also turn into a slippery slope as every time you engage in that behavior, you don't have to reset your counter and just add days.  Could maybe turn into a pseudo pass.  You have to do what's right for you, but I think you did the right thing in noting it down here.  Now just continue on.  Definitely not a relapse, especially given the control you exuded to stop yourself.
 

scott.84

Member
Thanks for your advice, guys. I think I'll keep it that way. For me, it's no big difference between subtracting a few days from my counter or adding some days to my goal. I mean, before masturbating I was on day 27 of 90 (which is 30 %) and now I am on day 28 of 105 (which is 26 %). So in percentages I have definitely made a regression towards my goal, but I can somehow be proud of how long I have kept up so far.

@ak
For me counting days matters to me in order to stay motivated. When I quit smoking, I used to have a counter telling me how long I have stayed sober. That really got me keeping up. In the end, after I had integrated my new non-smoking behaviours in my daily life, the day count wasn't important anymore. For my reboot I have printed out a calendar. Checking off one more day I have managed to stay clean really gives me a good feeling.

@hkid
You're somehow right. If i engage too often in that behaviour, I probably should reset my counter. I'm glad it only happened once until now and it was very important for me to post it here in order to get feedback and being honest with me and you guys.
 

scott.84

Member
Extremely horny right now. It's difficult.

I went jogging today and I have been feeling very sexual afterwards. I haven't been running for about 2 years and being outside and doing sports today somehow got me going... I even started playing around with my dick, and thought about porn... But mostly I was turned on by myself, the smell of my sweaty body and looking at me naked in the mirror... I have been able to stop myself, but I'm still very horny and a part of me has the real fear of relapsing.

I'm enaged in sexting right now and looking at pictures of guys... I don't know what to do... It's really hard right now to distract myself... I just can't stop engaging in sexting... Do you guys encounter similar feelings after doing sports?
 

scott.84

Member
Day 0

Last night I relapsed. I was edging until finally some drops of sperm came out and then I went for it completely. Just after I had finished five weeks (35 days) without PMO (except for some slips) and 52 days without orgasm.

The orgasm wasn't as good as I expected, maybe I ruined it due to the edging. There were also some porn phantasies involved, but I mostly masturbated to touch. Fortunately, I didn't engage in more afterwards and just went to sleep. I'm somehow disappointed that I terminated my streak, but I don't feel as bad as I anticipated. I just accept the fact that I relapsed and that I have to start over.

There have been some thoughts on using porn today. I was thinking that as I already failed I could have a cheat day since today won't count as a new start of rebooting. It would also give me the possibility to see how using porn feels now. But I finally came to the conclusion that if I truly wanted to start a new turn on rebooting, using porn and masturbating is probably the worst I can do. Since it will make my relapse even worse and my next try even harder. I'm still proud I haven't used porn (except for porn memories) since January 18th. And I want to keep it that way.

So tomorrow starts my second try on going 90 days without PMO. But you guys were right: Erection testing and stimulating is a slippery slope towards relapsing. So I will take that as a relapse in the future and reset my counter instead of adding days. I need to be more careful with this.

So long,
scott
 

scott.84

Member
Day 3 Day 0

I looked at porn today. I was sexting with a guy I have chatted with a while ago and we got in touch again. He sent me pictures and videos. At first I didn't look at them, but after work I just couldn't withstand to watch. And I touched my dick while doing it, which got really hard. I stopped, went running... And just now, I looked at porn again. I was really standing in front of the computer, like frozen, and couldn't do one thing or another until I finally browsed to a site looking at pictures... It was like there were two parts of me fighting and I just couldn't control myself. I feel ashamed now. Like I was doing so well in my first run and now I am back at zero after just two days. And I what makes things even worse is that I looked at porn which I absolutely wanted to prevent.

What should I do? I somehow fear that I miss someting if I don't engange in online dating, on the other hand it is a huge trap that could lead to never reaching my goal of 90 days.

I'm kinda frustrated right now :(
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hey Scott.  Sorry that you're feeling frustrated.  I often feel the same way.  That feeling like two different people really resonates with me.  And in a way, it helps to see it as two different people, you being the one who wants to be done and move on, and the other being the addict.  Both obviously the same person in reality, but two different motivations conflicting.  And spoiler alert, the addict's an asshole :).

I of course can't tell you what to do with the online dating, but it is a potential trigger for you.  Could you start a small goal?  Maybe 7-14 days with no online dating, seeing how that goes?  Maybe giving yourself that clean slate, will give you the push you need to get back on track?

And by the way, when I relapse, I have to fight hard not to do it again the next day.  You're okay though, friend.  You made it nearly a month!  So there should be no doubt in your mind that you can do it.  Rooting for you!
 

scott.84

Member
Day 1

After a weekend full of relapsing, I'm back at rebooting. On Saturday my urges for porn were enormous. I was researching for scenes, pornstars and new stuff like in the old days. Since I had deleted all of the collected porn on my computer, I downloaded what I was interested in. On both evenings of the weekend I kinda celebrated. I was viewing my new loot, masturbating and edging until finally releasing to it. Mutliple times. I wanted to screw up completely. I contradicted each and every rule I had given myself before rebooting. I enjoyed it. I'm honest. I really did. After such a long time, it really felt great to have porn, masturbation and orgasm altogether. So I had as much of it as I could.

But yesterday, after I really had enough of PMO, it became clear to me that I didn't enjoy that as much as I enjoyed staying away from porn and masturbation. It sounds weird, but I think I somehow needed that tremendous relapse in order to figure out what I really want. And it's clearly not porn. As much as I indulged in those sessions, I figured out that they offer a short-term satisfaction but in the long term they won't make me happy. The good feeling doesn't even last until the next day. While staying away from porn was really giving me more energy and more time for important things.

So I'm back at it. I deleted all of the stuff I downloaded last weekend. I put the family filter in place. I also think that staying away from online dating might be beneficial. At least for some time.

After a weekend full of relapsing, I'm feeling good on my first day without PMO.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hey Scott, hope you're doing well.  Pulling yourself out of full weekend of relapsing isn't easy, so good for you for doing it!  And you deleted everything.  I too fall prey to downloading and such and it is hard to delete, so another reason to pat yourself on the back.  I hope you had a good week. 
 

scott.84

Member
Day 7

Thx for feedback guys! It really helps me right now.

I haven't been around here much lately since my week went quite smooth regarding my reboot. But today I had a minor slip. I was just so bored and felt lonely. People wouldn't have time to meet up, I just couldn't figure out anything to do with myself and yesterday I have finished watching Breaking Bad (I started watching during my first reboot). After watching Youtube videos for quite a while I started looking for porn models and new scenes and eventually came across pictures. I even played with the thoughts of downloading stuff and masturbating to it just to make that awful feeling of being lonely go away... Didn't touch myself though. And eventually stopped.

Afterwards I just laid down in my bed listening to music. That kinda relaxed me and I didn't feel so bad anymore. I'm feeling quite good now that I didn't go the easy way back to PMO. It somehow gave me a new insight that feeling lonely and bored is much more of a trigger to me than I thought. I definitely need plans for the weekend and some new hobbies, I guess.
 
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