So this is my start of rebooting.

scott.84

Member
Day 81 Day 1

I relapsed yesterday. Somehow my mind tricked me into downloading and watching porn. At first, I only wanted to watch without touching myself in order to see if it would get me aroused. But after a while I started touching and suddenly became extremely aroused. I stopped before I had an orgasm, but I guess my dick was already overstimulated and sensitive so after about 20 seconds, I came nonetheless. It was good. It felt really nice (although it was ruined).

Well, afterwards I felt quite stupid. It sucks to relapse so close to my 90 day goal. But actually, I feel quite good today. Last night I had strong urges to masturbate again, even thought about watching porn. But I didn't. That's one good thing. Also, I have no signs of a flatline and I'm somehow ok with my failure.

So what now? I don't think that I will start a 90 day reboot again. The official end of my reboot would have been on July 26th, so I think I'll stay away from PMO until I reach that date. And from that day on, I will try to stay away from porn but allow myself occasional masturbation and having sex.

I mean, rebooting is not about counting days, it's about changing habits. And I have already made progress in changing my behaviour. This relapse yesterday won't tear all of that apart.

Cheers,
scott
 
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EarthWalker

Respected Member
Similar story here. Got a bit possessed, come on...watch P without touching yourself you will see how much you have progressed. A bit of a struggle to shake that off. Then ended up MOing to P fantasy anyway.

It will get better. It is getting better.

Seeing us free from P.
EW
 

yogi

Active Member
That's the typical script of a relapse scene.

Have lived through that several times. What's amazing is how the brain almost shuts down when you encounter the porn, as if someone else is controlling you (it's actually the hardwired habit pathways in our brain that light up).

Anyway we will overcome this.
 

scott.84

Member
Thank you! Reading that I'm not the only one encountering this is really helpful. And I am sure we will overcome this and finally be free from porn, too :)
 

scott.84

Member
Day 1

On Saturday, I totally fucked up. I think there were several reasons for this. I would have liked some company, but unfortunately nobody had time. So I wanted to go to a quarry pond, but because of the weather I finally didn't go. I had the feeling that there might be a thunderstorm coming up. So I was bored. I felt lonely. Due to the heat I couldn't really motivate myself to do anything. So I finally ended up bingeing to porn. I started looking up stuff. At first, I didn't want to download it (at least I told myself that). Later I downloaded it and watched it and edged for hours until I finally orgasmed.
On Sunday, I knew I was quite vulnerable to fall back again. So I decided to go jogging, which I haven't done the whole weak before due to the warm weather. That felt quite good. I really got in a good mood after that bad Saturday feelings. But later, I got at it again. There was some stuff which I wasn't able to get for free. And since I wanted to watch that badly, I actually paid for it. Something, which I haven't done very often.
Later I also binged to all that stuff and masturbated till I was finally empty. It really felt that way. I was empty both physically and emotionally. The last time I didn't really enjoy it. I just did it because. Well. I just did it.

So today, I'm going for a new start. I'm feeling quite bad. The weeks before, when I was still in reboot mode, I felt much better. Today I'm just exhausted. I'm feeling kinda lonely and disconnected. I know this will pass. It has always passed and there are much better days to come.

But what I'm sure of now, is that I don't want to watch porn again. I really got carried away on Saturday. After feeling lonely and sad, my mind was literally occupied with porn. It was good at the moment to suppress the bad feelings that I had. But actually, everything got worse once I started giving in to porn. As much as I used to like it, I don't want it anymore.

So this time, I will allow myself to have sex. I want to have real sexual encounters with people, not pixels. I even think that masturbating is okay when it happens occasionally. But I want to reduce that to as little as possible and for the restart I want no masturbation at all for the next 30 days.
The main thing is: I absolutely don't want any porn. I was very lax as regards to looking at pictures from Google Search or looking up new stuff from models I like. I will count all of that as a relapse in the future.

So much for now. Thanks for reading.
Have a nice day,
scott
 
I believe in you. Next time you get the urge to watch porn, remember "If getting upset about something unpleasant is like being bitten by a snake, desiring to grasp for what seems pleasant is like grabbing the snake's tail- sooner or later, it will bite you".
 

yogi

Active Member
Scott, dust it off and start afresh. Believe in yourself!

Remember, each day, each hour you decide not to fap, you are weakening your addiction pathways.
You will have to do this consciously, mindfully.

The erotic pictures are there all over the place. No one can escape them. That's not a priority.
The priority is to be able to get to a point where you can firmly say " Even if I come across an explicit material I trust myself not to get excited or lured back into fapping". That is real victory over addiction.

Cheering for you!
 

scott.84

Member
Day 12

Thanks yogi & Jnana! Today is day 12 of my current reboot process. I was quite successful in avoiding porn. I didn't look models up, I didn't visit any kind of database sites, didn't check for updates on sites I like. The only occurrence where I came across porn was when I had to cancel my membership I bought during my last relapse. I had to go to that website and scroll to the bottom of the page to finally find the link letting me cancel my membership. Of course, they had a new video released and I almost erratically clicked on the preview button and watched for about a minute. As soon as I realized what was going on I stopped it. That was the only occurrence and it didn't set me back completely.

I somehow feel that this reboot is different. In my opinion even looking up porn without finally consuming it is keeping the addiction pathways alive. So the best thing to do is to avoid it completely. I think that was a major flaw of my first reboot.

So I'm doing quite good. I'm feeling okay. There are some moments when I'm still missing it. But I'm also implementing new habits like meditating and reading which keep me occupied and busy. I'm somehow replacing my old porn habit with new ones which really move me forward.

So that's it for now. Have a great weekend,
scott
 
Yes, don't trod on those beaten pathways! Watching without touching will inevitably lead back to the same thing. I think it's a mistake many people here are making. I myself did the same before reading YBOP. Now I know better. Let's get through this together good sir.
 

scott.84

Member
Day 15

Today I've had some rough urges to watch porn. I felt lonely and bored. Didn't know what to do with myself. I almost slipped, but I could prevent myself from going any further. Feeling lonely and bored is a great trigger for me.
 

yogi

Active Member
Continue to resist the urge bro
And try doing something else instead of thinking about the urge.
 

scott.84

Member
Thank you guys! I'm still struggling, with a few moments where I was really close to giving up. But I'm on day 17 without porn and I want to keep it that way.
 

scott.84

Member
Day 1
Friday night, I relapsed hard. I have to admit, there was drug use involved. At the moment, I have some stress at work because there is an upcoming deadline for a project I am responsible for. Also, there are three exams in September (I study besides my job) and I was really lazy during the last weeks. I have somehow the fear of failing and I guess I just wanted to escape that anxiety on Friday evening. Additionally, I was feeling quite lonely that evening.

Under the influence of the substance, I began to masturbate. Just to my body and the sensations of it. That was quite good. I also had a good erection.

Afterwards, I was still horny and decided to watch some porn. And damn! That really made me clear how strong the connection between my brain and my dick is. I got a rock hard erection to porn, even after I had masturbated before. To be honest, I was worried of being physically unable to get good erections, so I started to do kegel exercises twice a day about six weeks ago. And fuck I was really impressed of how hard my dick can get now. To be clear, I think I was always able to get good erections, I just wasn't aware of them because I was more engaged with porn than my dick when masturbating. And when having sex, I always had difficulties to get hard and to keep it.

After that, I kept going for quite a while. And I kept having rock hard erections. Sadly, they were due to the porn. When masturbating only to my body, my erection wasn't that hard. But what gives me hope is that I can get them.

What's to learn from that?
1. I don't have a physical issue with my dick. It can get really hard and keep it up.
2. My brain is conditioned to react more on porn than on normal sexual stimulus.
3. Anxiety and feeling uncomfortable make me watch porn.

What do do now?
1. Never watch porn again.
2. Don't distract myself from my anxiety. Neither with porn, nor with other things. I need to face what makes me feel uncomfortable, that's the only way I can overcome it.
3. Continue meditating, reading, doing sports and other exercises that make me feel good.

Today I'm starting a new streak. Maybe I needed that experience to become even clearer about how damaging porn is to me. And how I abuse it to distract me from negative feelings instead of facing them.

Have a great week,
scott
 

AJM

Active Member
Hey Scott,
Had an overview of your journal.
Your journey has been hard and you have faced and won many fights.
Do you think Substance is most often the trigger ??
Reflect back on what is the discomforting thought /hurt/pain that you numb each time with pot/PMOing.
Face it and go through it dont numb it.
More power to you.
 

scott.84

Member
I don't think that drugs are a trigger for me. I don't use drugs very often. It was the first time in months. I don't even drink alcohol regularly. I guess there was just so much stress building up in weeks that I needed a valve to release the pressure.
You're totally right, I need to cope with my feelings in another way than numbing them. Being mindful and concentrating on my emotions will be a major focus for my upcoming streak.
 

scott.84

Member
Day 13

I haven't been very active on this forum lately, since my reboot was going quite good after my last relapse. The first week I didn't have much cravings for porn or masturbation. I enjoyed being abstinent.

This week was very stressful for me. I had an important presentation yesterday and there were some moments, where I was overwhelmed by the anxiety that I would not get everything done until the deadline. So I had a few occasions this week, where I was so stressed and nervous that I started looking for porn. Fortunately, I stopped myself and didn't go any further. And despite my anxiety, the presentation yesterday went very well.

Today I'm feeling kinda tired. My firm had a small party for the employees and I had quite some alcohol. Also I'm feeling a bit lonely. And I have kind of a feeling, that I'll never find someone to be together with. Half an hour ago, I have (and I know I shouldn't have) looked up if there is new porn stuff. And one of my favorite models has released a new scene today.

So right now I'm trying to not fall back to my old habits and watch it. It's so stupid that I looked it up. Now it's in my head. I know it exists. And a part of me wants to watch it.

This is the reason I'm writing this now. I'm trying to distract myself, keep myself occupied. Also, I hope writing this here makes it more unlikely to relapse since you all now know about it. Wish me luck, guys.
 

AJM

Active Member
Hey scott ,
Day 13 is great.
Its good to know that you are aware of your triggers, and handle those well.
stay vigilant. TC
 
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