Reboot Journal

Aussie_85

Active Member
Hey guys thanks for the posts and support!

Since my last post unfortunately things have gotten worse, relationship wise. forget about quitting porn at the moment...and i know that sounds like defeatism but it's not - i will quit porn, when i have some sense of peace in my life.

My girlfriend has completely lost her shit, she's going crazy. Blames me for everything, even makes things up example:

Her "Your lazy"

Me " Not sure why you would think that, I've cooked dinner, , the pool, mowed the lawns, fed and walked the dog, fed the cats, changed the kitty litter, went to the supermarket, cleaned the kitchen - sprayed the weeds in the backyard...I've literally been busy all day, so how do you justify calling me lazy?

Her Your an asshole. I hate you, I want you to leave. (crying starts) I do everything for you....your a piece of shit - I'm not attracted to you anymore, your a bad father, you don't care about your daughter."

Me "where's this coming from? why would you say that, I've done nothing wrong?"

Then another bombardment ensues, cutting me down until she breaks me and i go and sit in the bathroom regretting ever being with this woman and having this nightmarish screaming baby with her. Then i feel even worse about regretting my daughter, i love her - she's just very difficult.

She's literally making up lies about me in her head, justifying them - then taking out her anger on me.

Before we started trying for a baby, i sat her down and had a big conversation with her, a serious one. I said this is going to be hard, we already fight a lot and sometimes it seems like you don't love me/ want to be with me....are you SURE this is what you want - yes.

I now no longer want to be with her (obviously) but I'm trapped. She barely lasted 2 months before having a complete melt down..pathetic.weak. I still love and care about her, and the thought of leaving her is terrible...she'd break down. As i type this my daughter is constantly screaming in my ear while my girlfriend sleeps. its 5:21 am. i have to be up in 3 hours to go and have some bullshit family day where I'm supposed to fake being all happy.

I dont know what to do.



 

Maglue

Active Member
I wish I had the answers for you...
But I don't...

Maybe a break from her or something might be beneficial ... time for you to work on your porn addiction...
 
D

Deleted member 17609

Guest
Been a while, Aussie. How are you, man? We all struggle at one point, that’s why there’s a forum like this one: you can write about it here.

Hope you’re well, man.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Freddy

Active Member
Hey guys thanks for the posts and support!

Since my last post unfortunately things have gotten worse, relationship wise. forget about quitting porn at the moment...and i know that sounds like defeatism but it's not - i will quit porn, when i have some sense of peace in my life.

My girlfriend has completely lost her shit, she's going crazy. Blames me for everything, even makes things up example:

Her "Your lazy"

Me " Not sure why you would think that, I've cooked dinner, , the pool, mowed the lawns, fed and walked the dog, fed the cats, changed the kitty litter, went to the supermarket, cleaned the kitchen - sprayed the weeds in the backyard...I've literally been busy all day, so how do you justify calling me lazy?

Her Your an asshole. I hate you, I want you to leave. (crying starts) I do everything for you....your a piece of shit - I'm not attracted to you anymore, your a bad father, you don't care about your daughter."

Me "where's this coming from? why would you say that, I've done nothing wrong?"

Then another bombardment ensues, cutting me down until she breaks me and i go and sit in the bathroom regretting ever being with this woman and having this nightmarish screaming baby with her. Then i feel even worse about regretting my daughter, i love her - she's just very difficult.

She's literally making up lies about me in her head, justifying them - then taking out her anger on me.

Before we started trying for a baby, i sat her down and had a big conversation with her, a serious one. I said this is going to be hard, we already fight a lot and sometimes it seems like you don't love me/ want to be with me....are you SURE this is what you want - yes.

I now no longer want to be with her (obviously) but I'm trapped. She barely lasted 2 months before having a complete melt down..pathetic.weak. I still love and care about her, and the thought of leaving her is terrible...she'd break down. As i type this my daughter is constantly screaming in my ear while my girlfriend sleeps. its 5:21 am. i have to be up in 3 hours to go and have some bullshit family day where I'm supposed to fake being all happy.

I dont know what to do.
Sounds familiar and like narcissistic behavior. Best option would be to force her to het professional help if possible. Things will not change otherwise and in any case you want the mother of your daughter to be well.
 

Aussie_85

Active Member
Hey nation, I’m back!

after months of going back into the dark bottomless Pitt, I’m back to change my life for good. I’m around 3/4 weeks into a hard mode reboot, I haven’t been counting the days, I reached a point where I was miserable and just stopped…

some things I’ve learnt,

I can’t smoke weed/use THC oil. My love for cannabis is no secret, it’s tied into PMO’ing so if I get high, I’ll use porn.

my biggest (perhaps only) triggers are sleep deprivation/ insomnia. There is nothing worse than not being able to sleep. I think I’ve mentally been able to just accept insomnia is a part of my addiction/ withdrawal and I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

loneliness - the biggest trigger by far. It seems to hit around 2 weeks into a reboot for me. I just get this overwhelming sense of being alone and that I don’t really have anyone who truely cares about me. My partner does, my family does to an extent…but my friendships since childhood have always been shallow and fake. Then I start the procrastination merry go round of negative thoughts about everything that goes along with it. I’ve come to realise this is a deep seeded issue of rejection for me and a tactic my brain uses to try and pull me back into using porn - not this time.

so since my absence from the forum - I got a new job, better $ but harder work, physically. I hurt my back 8 weeks ago so have been on workers compensation (insurance). Had an MRI yesterday and have a minor bulging disk, waiting to see a specialist. My daughter is 7 months old! She is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me.

my girlfriend and I still constantly fight, I know she’s not happy with our relationship but she doesn’t admit it - I don’t know what the future holds but I’m hopeful that we can work things out.

we are in an extended lockdown in Sydney with Covid, never ending nightmare.

hope you’ve all been doing well, let’s see how this goes.

Aussie.
 

Aussie_85

Active Member
Really struggling today with withdrawals. Just this super low motivation and a sickly feeling throughout my body. I’m sleeping longer/better however I’m less energised and rested upon waking - strange considering I’ve lived off of 4 hours a night since my daughter was born.

Im starting to remember how when hardcore withdrawals hit, it’s virtually impossible to do basically anything active, I literally feel sick. How I got through it last time was just getting through each day.

Aussie.
 
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