E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Yesterday was very tough but I am not ready to give up yet. I'm stronger than this. This is the first time when I go past 10 days in a while.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Anxiety is lower for today too. The hardest part is the result of how I've conditioned myself to edge to flashbacks when I wake up. Many times it starts on autopilot and I'm not even aware of it for a minute. It's more preponderant when I wake up after sleeping a few hours only, like today, I woke up around 2 A.M. and I caught myself, after a couple of minutes, "watching porn" in my head, on autopilot, and fueling myself with dopamine. The good thing is that I didn't actually start edging. I know I have to be extra vigilant but sometimes I am worried about not being able to catch myself in time, give myself too much dopamine with edging and then lose control and watch porn. I know where all this would lead to. I will be back here writing "Back to misery" again. I am tired of misery. I'm feeling better and I don't want to lose this.
Yes Escape!
Glad to see you've been building some momentum over the last few days! While it's important to be mindful of the flashbacks & p memory, make sure you you're not over-thinking or becoming obsessive about avoiding it. White-knuckling only leads to exhaustion at some point which is not good for recovery.
Remember when they enter your head that it's just neurological junk that is being cleared out of your brain, relax and move on. Worry less, dismiss more!
It's good to see you focusing on some of the positive feelings of being P free. It's difficult in the mental fog of the first few weeks sometimes to appreciate how much better we feel but no matter how bad the urges, none of it is going to be as bad as that feeling just after a relapse.
Porn sucks, relapse sucks and we don't need either.
Keep up the great work!
Glad to see you've been building some momentum over the last few days! While it's important to be mindful of the flashbacks & p memory, make sure you you're not over-thinking or becoming obsessive about avoiding it. White-knuckling only leads to exhaustion at some point which is not good for recovery.
Remember when they enter your head that it's just neurological junk that is being cleared out of your brain, relax and move on. Worry less, dismiss more!
It's good to see you focusing on some of the positive feelings of being P free. It's difficult in the mental fog of the first few weeks sometimes to appreciate how much better we feel but no matter how bad the urges, none of it is going to be as bad as that feeling just after a relapse.
Porn sucks, relapse sucks and we don't need either.
Keep up the great work!
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Orbiter, thanks for support.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Two perfect weeks of recovery. No peeking, no edging to flashbacks...nothing. Absolutely no mistakes. The 12th day was particularly very very difficult. I walked the thin line between "I want the pleasure so bad" and "Don't give up" but I survived. Every time I survive adversity, I learn something about myself: I learn that I can do it, that I am capable of being stronger than I think.
On day 13 I was tempted too but it didn't top the level of day 12. The thing is, if I wait, I will thank myself later. Two days later when things are better I will tell myself "If I had done it on day 12, I wouldn't have been here. It was very hard but it's gone. Everything passes and things get better." Especially when I am so prone to binges. One bad step and I lose everything, it's not fun and easy to do it like this but that's why I need to practice the complete starvation. It's the only way for me right now. I have some level of OCD and perfectionism and not doing this perfectly throws me off. Probably it's not the best approach but my mind doesn't know better. Again, that's why I need to avoid all the mistakes. I know the mistakes, I know what to avoid, it's just a matter of enduring the suffocating craving. I can't do nothing about the craving, I crave P what can I say? But I do know that time will kill the craving.
What has changed so far:
- More energy;
- A lot less anxiety;
- I can concentrate better;
- My mental tolerance is better. Little things that used to bother me don't bother me as much.
- My mind functions better and I find better words and ways to express myself;
I think, overall, giving my brain chemicals a break makes my brain function better and it becomes noticeable. The crazy high levels of dopamine are not healthy for the human brain.
Where was I 14 days ago? In complete misery, "crying in a corner" and struggling to lift myself up. Being a hardcore serial relapser and binger and then exceeding my limits shows that it's possible for me and it's possible for everybody who thinks their situation is too hard or worse - Impossible. There is nothing impossible when it comes to porn recovery. Every hardcore addict has the potential to quit.
Don't waste the time anymore, do it now! Start today!
On day 13 I was tempted too but it didn't top the level of day 12. The thing is, if I wait, I will thank myself later. Two days later when things are better I will tell myself "If I had done it on day 12, I wouldn't have been here. It was very hard but it's gone. Everything passes and things get better." Especially when I am so prone to binges. One bad step and I lose everything, it's not fun and easy to do it like this but that's why I need to practice the complete starvation. It's the only way for me right now. I have some level of OCD and perfectionism and not doing this perfectly throws me off. Probably it's not the best approach but my mind doesn't know better. Again, that's why I need to avoid all the mistakes. I know the mistakes, I know what to avoid, it's just a matter of enduring the suffocating craving. I can't do nothing about the craving, I crave P what can I say? But I do know that time will kill the craving.
What has changed so far:
- More energy;
- A lot less anxiety;
- I can concentrate better;
- My mental tolerance is better. Little things that used to bother me don't bother me as much.
- My mind functions better and I find better words and ways to express myself;
I think, overall, giving my brain chemicals a break makes my brain function better and it becomes noticeable. The crazy high levels of dopamine are not healthy for the human brain.
Where was I 14 days ago? In complete misery, "crying in a corner" and struggling to lift myself up. Being a hardcore serial relapser and binger and then exceeding my limits shows that it's possible for me and it's possible for everybody who thinks their situation is too hard or worse - Impossible. There is nothing impossible when it comes to porn recovery. Every hardcore addict has the potential to quit.
Don't waste the time anymore, do it now! Start today!
Reading through your journal, Escape! I appreciate your struggle, as I can relate in many ways- especially as a [hopefully] former serial relapser!
This is awesome stuff right here, man! Building resilience, inner strength, that's good. Learning how to dismiss urges, no matter how strong, is the key to overcoming this thing.
And, of course, the zero-tolerance attitude is so important. This is why in my journal I always include an assessment on where I'm at with p-subs as well as edging, when I've hit my goals on P/MO, because for me (and sounds like for you), it's all related.
Like yourself, I'm kind of a perfectionist. So, if I slip in these other areas, my reboot or recovery effort feels less genuine or whole. But again, these 'middle-circle' behaviors some call them, act as a kind of buffer zone, to let me know I'm circling the porn-pit.
You're doing great!
This is awesome stuff right here, man! Building resilience, inner strength, that's good. Learning how to dismiss urges, no matter how strong, is the key to overcoming this thing.
And, of course, the zero-tolerance attitude is so important. This is why in my journal I always include an assessment on where I'm at with p-subs as well as edging, when I've hit my goals on P/MO, because for me (and sounds like for you), it's all related.
Like yourself, I'm kind of a perfectionist. So, if I slip in these other areas, my reboot or recovery effort feels less genuine or whole. But again, these 'middle-circle' behaviors some call them, act as a kind of buffer zone, to let me know I'm circling the porn-pit.
You're doing great!
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
You've got this man. And thank you for posting the way you do, I resonate so much with what you say, gives me hope that I can put together several days and get some GD confidence in myself. Keep it up!
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Phineas 808 said:
Man, thanks for support, you are an inspiration for me with your 4 months streak.
I need to resist the craving and urges. It's very tempting. Zero tolerance is key for me because if I don't give myself dopamine hits with porn, I keep myself with lower urges, they are still there but shorter. The more you fuel yourself with dopamine, the stronger and longer the urges are.
I have this OCD and perfectionism, not doing it perfectly throws me off. I know I shouldn't go crazy about edging for 5 minutes but that's how my mind works right now, that would throw me off and make me obsess about it all day, that's why I need to stay away from it completely so I won't have to stress myself out with this thing too, porn recovery is stressful enough. In the future, I will see what's up but for now that's all I have.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
TheHeartacheKid said:
Thank you for support. I am glad for any help I could provide. You should indeed have hope. I don't believe that there is anybody who can't quit porn. The addiction might make us think we can't but it's a lie to keep us trapped, as the addiction is our comfort zone. I've been to the top of the mountain then crashed back to the bottom of the hole, not even to the ground level, to the bottom of the fuckin hole in the ground and then I climbed back to half a month without the junk. On March 11 I was beaten, broken and I didn't know what to do. Now that feels like a distant memory. You can do it too. This addiction needs full attention and "whatever it takes" attitude. We can't half ass it, we can't take it lightly, we can't give ourselves room for even small mistakes.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Very tempted today. Edging to porn looks like a great idea in my head. It really does. I don't want it but my brain says, "Fuck yeah! That's awesome!"
But...
Half a month without the junk, man! I'm on my way to beating a 23 years old long addiction to "comfort". I want this out of my life and I want my life back. I handed my life to "Comfort" on a platter and I paid the price. Now fuck this!
P.S: Blue balls are fuckin real, man. I have a tone of balls. I walk around with billiard balls in my pants.
But...
Half a month without the junk, man! I'm on my way to beating a 23 years old long addiction to "comfort". I want this out of my life and I want my life back. I handed my life to "Comfort" on a platter and I paid the price. Now fuck this!
P.S: Blue balls are fuckin real, man. I have a tone of balls. I walk around with billiard balls in my pants.
As someone who just gave in to PMO earlier today, I can assure you it is of course not a great idea though i'm sure I don't need to tell anyone that.
Congratulations on half a month. I think most of the first month is varying stages of difficult but things will get easier and from the tone of your entries, you seem to already be feeling some of the benefits of being half a month free of this addiction.
Keep up the great work Escape, we're all rooting for you!
Congratulations on half a month. I think most of the first month is varying stages of difficult but things will get easier and from the tone of your entries, you seem to already be feeling some of the benefits of being half a month free of this addiction.
Keep up the great work Escape, we're all rooting for you!
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Orbiter said:
Thanks, man. Thanks for support.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
16 days.
The craving is crazy. I'm walking the thin line. This is as hard as day 12.
The craving is crazy. I'm walking the thin line. This is as hard as day 12.
The cravings will pass, Escape. Even if they scream at you, you can outlast any urge...
Rooting for you.
Rooting for you.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Phineas 808 said:
Thanks for support, man.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
zaraki888 said:
Thanks for support.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
17 days hardmode, no mistakes so far.
Yesterday was nuts. It was tightrope. I even started thinking about masturbation without porn, in an attempt to somehow reduce the urges but I remembered how much I hated masturbation and I didn't want to do it.
I was tempted today too but it couldn't even come close to yesterday. I've felt kind of lethargic for several good hours already. I feel no urges now.
I've been pushing my limits and I saw that I could survive. This can't take me down unless I let and I've let it knock me down too many times. This could easily turn into a lifelong marathon of "Relapse-Restart" type of thing. Of course without relapses I wouldn't know what to do, they are even good... for a period of time... After that if I don't step on the pedal, push my limits and fight to really do it, I could easily end up being here in 10 years writing in the 40+ group "Day 1 I can't do this shit no mo". Seriously, is this what I want? Hell no, I don't want this shit! I don't want to go back to day 1 after 17 days, I've built a too good momentum already. I'm writing this to remind myself that I must not fuck this up.
Yesterday was nuts. It was tightrope. I even started thinking about masturbation without porn, in an attempt to somehow reduce the urges but I remembered how much I hated masturbation and I didn't want to do it.
I was tempted today too but it couldn't even come close to yesterday. I've felt kind of lethargic for several good hours already. I feel no urges now.
I've been pushing my limits and I saw that I could survive. This can't take me down unless I let and I've let it knock me down too many times. This could easily turn into a lifelong marathon of "Relapse-Restart" type of thing. Of course without relapses I wouldn't know what to do, they are even good... for a period of time... After that if I don't step on the pedal, push my limits and fight to really do it, I could easily end up being here in 10 years writing in the 40+ group "Day 1 I can't do this shit no mo". Seriously, is this what I want? Hell no, I don't want this shit! I don't want to go back to day 1 after 17 days, I've built a too good momentum already. I'm writing this to remind myself that I must not fuck this up.
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
18 days.
I crave dopamine like crazy. I feel low, like forcefully deprived of "medication".
I crave dopamine like crazy. I feel low, like forcefully deprived of "medication".
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Stay strong man. You're doing it. I believe the measurement addicts use is 21 days, if you can do without for 21, you know you can beat it altogether. Keep it up!