No dopamine released by porn

  • Thread starter escapeandnevercomeback
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imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey,

you fell, that's ok. Now it's about getting up, finding your horse and get back in the saddle, will you?

When rebooting you'll have a swinging mood in the beginning, because the addiction is fighting against the reboot. That's normal. On 28th of february you felt pretty good and on 1st of March not. What is it that you could have done to feel pretty good again? Exercise? Doing something in the garden? Repair something or clean up a room or throw stuff away?

Also find out about the trigger and do something against it.

Imsor
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
imsorrynotsorry said:
Hey,

you fell, that's ok. Now it's about getting up, finding your horse and get back in the saddle, will you?

When rebooting you'll have a swinging mood in the beginning, because the addiction is fighting against the reboot. That's normal. On 28th of february you felt pretty good and on 1st of March not. What is it that you could have done to feel pretty good again? Exercise? Doing something in the garden? Repair something or clean up a room or throw stuff away?

Also find out about the trigger and do something against it.

Imsor

I work in shifts and the days when I come home tired in the morning are the hardest because I tend to start edging. Also, I don't sleep well during daylight, I wake up after like 2 hours and start edging on autopilot without even realizing like I'm in a trance. This is how it usually starts. Once I get that dopamine going, it's too fuckin hard. I've relapsed 3 times already just like this.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
I'm not doing this shit the right way. The fact that this is day 1 again says a lot about my recovery plan. I know how people want to comment to this: "Relapse is part of the process", "Relapse teaches you about triggers" etc. I know all about this kind of talk, I've been following Reboot Nation since 2018. But I actually don't want to hear it anymore. After 3 years, I know how I relapse, I just don't do this shit right. I need to add those extra pieces that I don't want to add to the plan. What I need is to understand once and for all that I have to lose this pleasure, forever, and it's ability to offer "fake comfort". It's fuckin time to up my game. I've been jerking my dick since I was about 7. I've been jerking off to erotic flashbacks since I was a teenager and binging porn since high school. My long history of seeking comfort through jerking off my dick makes me sick. I'm disgusted by how much time and energy I've invested in this shit since I was a kid. It took too much from me and it's such a big part of my life that makes me be completely disgusted and sick of porn, masturbation and everything related to those fuckin things. That's why I need to stop. 23 years of jerking my dick in various forms just to look for fuckin comfort. I look at my life and I haven't fuckin accomplished shit. I'm 30 with absolutely nothing. And there are so many things I want to do and that I need to do for my life and I simply can't get any motivation, mental strength, mental tolerance, energy and mental stability to do them. I'm always lethargic with a lot of anxiety for fuckin up my dopamine system with this fuckin porn. Like this I will say the same fuckin things when I'm 40. That's why I need to stop. I feel like an old man and I'm only 30. I would fuckin embarass myself if I let people know I'm tired. "How can you tire so quickly at your age?" It's like I can hear them saying it. Truth is, this doesn't happen when I'm away from fuckin porn. But it's not too often when I get a good streak and when I actually feel full of life and energy. I'm supposed to feel full of life and I don't feel shit because of porn.
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
escapeandnevercomeback said:
I'm not doing this shit the right way. The fact that this is day 1 again says a lot about my recovery plan. I know how people want to comment to this: "Relapse is part of the process", "Relapse teaches you about triggers" etc. I know all about this kind of talk, I've been following Reboot Nation since 2018. But I actually don't want to hear it anymore. After 3 years, I know how I relapse, I just don't do this shit right. I need to add those extra pieces that I don't want to add to the plan. What I need is to understand once and for all that I have to lose this pleasure, forever, and it's ability to offer "fake comfort". It's fuckin time to up my game. I've been jerking my dick since I was about 7. I've been jerking off to erotic flashbacks since I was a teenager and binging porn since high school. My long history of seeking comfort through jerking off my dick makes me sick. I'm disgusted by how much time and energy I've invested in this shit since I was a kid. It took too much from me and it's such a big part of my life that makes me be completely disgusted and sick of porn, masturbation and everything related to those fuckin things. That's why I need to stop. 23 years of jerking my dick in various forms just to look for fuckin comfort. I look at my life and I haven't fuckin accomplished shit. I'm 30 with absolutely nothing. And there are so many things I want to do and that I need to do for my life and I simply can't get any motivation, mental strength, mental tolerance, energy and mental stability to do them. I'm always lethargic with a lot of anxiety for fuckin up my dopamine system with this fuckin porn. Like this I will say the same fuckin things when I'm 40. That's why I need to stop. I feel like an old man and I'm only 30. I would fuckin embarass myself if I let people know I'm tired. "How can you tire so quickly at your age?" It's like I can hear them saying it. Truth is, this doesn't happen when I'm away from fuckin porn. But it's not too often when I get a good streak and when I actually feel full of life and energy. I'm supposed to feel full of life and I don't feel shit because of porn.

To the first part of what you are saying, I can appreciate not wanting to hear that "part of the process," so I won't say it.  But I will say, you're right, if you're feeling this way, then it's time to take it up a notch.  So who's in control?  You or the addiction?  It does boil down to just that.  Take control, it's your life.  Fuck the addiction, and fuck coddling.  When you get an urge, if it helps, say something like "Fuck off, I don't do this anymore" and then do something else.  I do appreciate your blunt attitude, it has motivated me at times to just let go of the BS and take control.  So I suggest you use it for yourself for some good. 

One thing I do want to say, and this really has nothing to do with addiction or anything else, just something I wish we all employed as humans...other people's thoughts about you are none of your business.  And quite frankly, irrelevant.  They're not you, and you're not them.  So this pretend audience you have in your head about people judging you for how you feel or what you've done is pure bullshit (and also the people that truly love you would not have these reactions).  Sounds like you wouldn't judge anybody else, or jump to conclusions, so who gives a fuck what others would say or think about you?  You know you, and you know what you want.  That's all anyone really needs.  That's certainly all you need to beat this fucking thing.

Chin up man, you're in control.  Fuck the noise.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
TheHeartacheKid said:
Hey Escape, hope you're making it through the weekend.  Stay strong friend.

Thanks bro. I appreciate the support.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
The thing with quitting porn addiction for me is that I don't have other "joy" in life and neither other coping skills and I've had a hard time figuring out how to make it work. Staying away from porn was hard because of lack of coping skills or things to make me feel better and I would feel empty and low. My life is a little complicated and I need to do some work to bring it to a level that I dream about but it's very difficult without energy and motivation and suffering from social anxiety, all those being what porn does to me.

It's quite a catch 22 isn't it! We don't have these joys or coping mechanisms because we've been using PMO to fill that void but we can't quit PMO because we don't have these joys or coping mechanisms to deal with life. PMO also both drains all our energy & motivation to change this while at the same time providing an easy no-effort habit to fill this void.

With all that said, it doesn't REALLY fill the void does it? Otherwise most of us would have probably given up on quitting some time ago. Also you're over a month off the bottle so perhaps you're stronger than you feel you give yourself credit for?

From your journal, I can tell you take the relapses quite hard and you've probably already read this, but don't forget to be mindful of the Abstinence Violation Effect . It may be different for you but, for me, recognising this cognitive bias has often been the difference between one or two mild relapses and outright hardcore, hours long edging binges. Credit goes to Phineas for the article:

https://louisvilledrugrehab.com/what-is-the-abstinence-violation-effect-and-how-can-it-hurt-recovery/


I've been thinking intensely about what I could do as I saw that I didn't have any real success. I've been relapsing without even reaching 2 weeks lately. And I thought maybe I should start with easier things because "fixing my life" right now seems a lot with this brain affected by porn. Maybe I should start with little things like exercise, starting some hobby that I like etc. You know what I mean? Because I think they also fit in the biggest picture of fixing my life. The "normal life" that I see for me includes them. And I thought I probably made a mistake waiting to quit porn before starting doing anything for me life. I thought it would work but maybe it doesn't. Maybe I should push myself to do some things at the same time. It's very difficult without motivation and energy and anxiety but I really need to do it. People don't grow if they don't leave their comfort zones and venture into the scary unknown. Porn is the ultimate "comfort zone" that keeps you trapped.

Doing Things = Increased Motivation
Doing Nothing = No Motivation

I don't see any reason reason you can't tackle both but definitely start small to gradually build some motivation again. You could smash out a few pushups a day and build on that number each day? Get a healthy start of the day or evening routine in so you're less prone to relapsing at the end of your work (I know you're a shift worker so morning routines may not often be applicable) Spend at least an hour outside of the house a day, even if it's just a walk. Same with the social anxiety - start small. You could go buy something for a store, cafe or whatever and make some small talk with the person serving you, little things to get comfortable with being around people, practice making eye contact if that's an issue etc.

I don't know if you have a goal in life at the moment outside of quitting PMO, I can't see anything in your journal. I should also add the above are just examples off the top of my head but I think even working on ONE of those things is a great start that puts you ahead more than you think.

Also re the living with parents thing, I was also living with my parents when I was 30 and I do remember it being a source of shame that would cloud my self-perception and my social interactions. I had a hard time with it but it's not really that big of a deal plus it does have it's advantages. Perhaps you could work the situation to your advantage and make a savings goal while you're at the parents place so you're in a good position when you move out?

These are all suggestions that you can take or leave but it would be great to open this journal a week from now and read about something other than counting days you've been working towards over that time.

We're either working towards recovery or towards relapse. Do anything positive is going to start taking life in the right direction.
 

Emmen

Member
I just read through your journal and can relate to much of what you said. I've also had that pressure to find someone and have a family. I'm sure being an only child can make it worse, but in my case, I end up comparing myself to my siblings (not just in this aspect, but otherwise too) and that's not necessarily much better.

Maybe spending some time to reflect on your life goals would help you find motivation. Maybe make a bucket list or something?
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Emmen said:
I just read through your journal and can relate to much of what you said. I've also had that pressure to find someone and have a family. I'm sure being an only child can make it worse, but in my case, I end up comparing myself to my siblings (not just in this aspect, but otherwise too) and that's not necessarily much better.

Maybe spending some time to reflect on your life goals would help you find motivation. Maybe make a bucket list or something?

Thanks. I appreciate the support. Yes, I'm my parents' only kid and pretty much a failure in the dating pool so far. This doesn't sound good for me. If I don't have kids, this family is over. On the other hand, I never wanted to marry someone I didn't like just for the sake of it. I don't know, it's complicated. Without getting in to many details about my life (cause it's a long story), maybe I've made the mistake to wait and think it will come my way eventually, that my shit life will magically fix on its own when I "grew up" and it didn't happen which made me understand that I had to work hard on it and for this I need to quit porn because this is the ultimate motivation killer.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Orbiter, thanks for the support and thanks for the awesome link, its a great read. I think it suits me better to start small because I don't feel like doing a lot that suddenly. Porn is the ultimate motivation and energy killer.
 

Emmen

Member
First of all, it's not too late for you when it comes to dating, marrying etc., which is good to keep in mind. But it can seem to remote, too abstract to motivate much in your daily struggles. I think you need to develop a mindset that even if you were to be single for the rest of your days (and in no way am I claiming this will be the case), even then it would matter what that single life would be like. I think you need to find something to motivate you in the here and now.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Day 0 again. What more can I say? Since I started this journal, I don't think I've gone more than 10-11 days between relapses. It's fuckin ridiculous.

When the high is over, the misery takes over.

 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Fuck, man, back to misery again, I can't believe it. I've broken again one of my most important rules and received the punishment. I can't leave it like this, I need to up my game for fuck's sake! The rules are:
1) Avoidance of engaging with the "porn in my head".
2) Complete avoidance of masturbation, masturbation to flashbacks and peeking.
3) No alcohol but I haven't had a drink in 40+ days so this is not a problem right now. I need to keep going with this.
4) Starting to exercise to handle urges better.

I'll add more if I find more.

Remember: When the high is over, the misery takes over. The devil is happy and laughing every time I engage in porn behavior. Only faith could save me. I should start praying for strength to overcome this. I don't need any magical pill, I need strength and I'll do it. I'll work as hard as it needs to be.
 

Emmen

Member
Exercise seems like a good idea. Make sure to find the kind you really enjoy. If it's something you only do because you feel you must, you probably won't stay motivated on the long-term.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
More than 40 days without a drink. Only 2 days without porn but I'm struggling, man.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
You know, I've been thinking about it. In the past, many promising streaks got stopped by alcohol. Either being drunk and doing it or being hangovered. After quitting alcohol almost 50 days ago, my streaks have been ridiculous. But I guess it's because the urges start earlier this time. Back then I needed more time until I started experiencing urges and after surviving a few hard days, the streak was automatically longer. I guess quitting alcohol gave me back part of my brain but I'm not too happy about the fact that I start struggling with urges on day 2  :(
 

Emmen

Member
Could it be the case that you use more porn to compensate for the lack of alcohol? I've definitely had a similar thing between porn and junk food. From what I've read, this kind of thing is very common among any type of addicts. When one stops seeking kicks in one way, it's natural to try and get them some other way.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Emmen said:
Could it be the case that you use more porn to compensate for the lack of alcohol? I've definitely had a similar thing between porn and junk food. From what I've read, this kind of thing is very common among any type of addicts. When one stops seeking kicks in one way, it's natural to try and get them some other way.

It could be.
 
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