Dynami: My Journal

[thessenchill]

I am on Day 14 of my most recent attempt at overcoming what I feel is most responsible for an average and middling life so far. Have not every really communicated on an open forum in the past, but, today I feel like it is better to journal it out and let some thoughts go.

This latest attempt has started after realizing that the past 35 or so years of my life have been lived without fully commiting myself to anything and now its time I changed that. I have read extensively and clearly while I may not have a clear PMO addicition, I have been a user pretty much all my waking life as I remember it and am in a unique sort of bucket, having experienced all the different stages that have been extensively written about and described in all the current literature on PMO. Starting off with memories of looking at pictures in womens magazines, to adult magazines, late night cable, followed by the days of file sharing p2p, then on to websites and now to freely available video on the internet. An absolute classic case.

As I type this up, one of the most common triggers which is something that I probably have always been unable to fight/recognize is when I am left alone at home, starting with the times when I was a teen and my folks left me alone at home, to the days when I was in college as well as working and single and I had the home pretty much to myself to the most recent past 8-9 years since I got married and my wife leaves the house I am here alone. Right now I am fighting the very thing that I know can give a lot of physical pleasure but ends in nothingness.

It starts off with looking at harmless videos on youtube, into a spiral of explicit music videos and then on to different levels of P. I am determined to fight this time as I engage myself in activities that I enjoy, coding, meditation, music, exercise and my startup.

I will keep checking in as and when I feel this way, right now the urge is strong, but my mind is even stronger!!!

 

[roark]

Hi thessenchill

Welcome.
I totally understand you. When I realize that I'm in a path towards P I usually break it abruptly (I make ugly faces, hope no one sees me...). And once I do it I feel stronger because I'm aware I resisted the triggers that once defeated me

I hope you will resist as well because I'm sure P is draining a lot of time and energies, and if you have a startup you cannot give them away

 

[thessenchill]

Thanks for the encouragement Unfortunately even though I was doing really well, an old trigger got to me and I relapsed. It feels as bad as it always does, and restarting each time feels the same. But since I have started the process of sharing and reaffirming my committment to this, I will not allow myself to feel more disappointment than needed and will start over again!!!

 

[joepanic]

Hey Thessenchill    welcome aboard

          Our stories are very similar  how we started  and the path that led us here.  I made the decision 3 years ago  and started looking online for help, found this website and some others  before  the avalanche of online info  came forward.  I had many relapses  over the last 3 years but have finally kicked it.  Even recently I have been going through a bit of depression over a few things but have been able to withstand any urges and not relapse.  This fight is not easy  its mostly uphill  and for not lineal in any way  There will be victories and failures.  Use each as a learning experience.    Does your wife know you look at it or are addicted.  I believe  the decision of if and when  to tell her is yours alone.  Many will  have strong opinions on it. Listen to all they have to say  but in the end it is your decision to make. Some partners will be extremely upset.  Some it may not have bothered  each is different and will react differently.  I also believe that you must quit porn for your own reasons So think about those reasons carefully.

    Good luck 

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[roark]

I will not allow myself to feel more disappointment than needed and will start over again!!!

That's great.
Regret and shame, especially if they lead to depression, are allied with addictions.

 

[thessenchill]

Thanks for your responses. Interestingly it wasn't porn. It was a linear pattern that has followed in the past, some explicit music from female RnB artists, followed by a few peeks at Instagram or a seemingly harmless newsfeed, then a brief interaction with a very attractive young female (not my wife).

My wife is not aware, and I do not plan on speaking to her about it at this time. That being said I have other issues that I believe my masturbation habit has led to situations that I am not super proud of. My wife is a very attractive woman, highly desirable, I find her attractive. But somehow, my pre-occupations and intimacy issues have led us into a very routine life with practically no sex (the last time was over a year ago) or a deeper level of intimacy, just a lot of fondness and affection. This has led me down several slippery slopes, using sites like seeking, having the occasional fling with random women on the side, none of which have ended in actual intercourse. I also have a very dark and introverted side that can be scary at times in the sense that my attachments to real people are far and and few between. All through the different stages of life I have always had a sort of obsessive fantasy with one female that I may or may not act upon. Of all my relationships only one was really fulfilling sexually when I was around 21 but that one ended badly with me spinning a web of lies which then led me down a path of self-reflection and asceticism where I was able to be PMO free for close to three years.

I also identify with a lot of the traits described in No More Mr. Nice Guy and am very aware of my own self and my weaknesses. I read extensively on topics ranging from Vedanta to Karezza and conceptually understand it all. But there is always many a slip between the cup and the lip and my battle is really putting everything I know into a system and a framework that I can follow and benchmark myself against.

I have never really engaged with another person and discussed this, so I hope that this time, the reflections and the journaling and support from others that are in a similar boat will drive me to success and an improved existence.

 

[thessenchill]

Still struggling with pinning it down and staying the course. I thought I was doing well but I am absolutely unable to manage the trigger that happens when my wife steps out of the house. Need to go back to the drawing board and read up on some material to help me eliminate the triggers that cause me to relapse

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

It's not a good idea to try to beat this addiction with willpower alone. It's doable but very very difficult. We need a plan. We need to make porn hard to access through things like installing porn blockers, using internet only when we need it and only the websites we need (eliminating the no purpose mindless surfing that makes finding triggers easier), coming to Reboot Nation to post and read posts for reinforcement of why we're doing this. Another very important thing is to give our best to not engage with hyper sexualized thoughts produced by porn. We have like 1 second to walk away from porn flashbacks and fantasies created by porn or else it gets very difficult because dopamine is released and this starts the big craving for porn. Once the dopamine gets started, the good feeling comes and then it's hard to resist. If urges hit hard, it's not a good idea to sit around and try to resist. It's better to leave the room, go somewhere else. If you feel like you really can't take it anymore, go outside and walk somewhere.